#idk I hope I'm not upsetting anybody too much venting about all this

[blagueofchaos]

💜💜💜💜💜

Thanks 💜💜💜💜

[keysimash]

Hello!!

I do not want to be bothering or rude, I am just curious if you’ve had time or energy to continue Leave, I still love the story so much and am looking forward to find out how it goes!!

But if not it’s ok, I just hope you have a nice day no matter what!! <3

Short answer , it's not discontinued but idk when I will work on it again. Sorry to be a disappointment

Long answer you probably dont want to read

I hate it. I can't even read it. I like my story, I like the plans I HAVE for the story, I just.... cant read my own writing. And this isn't some kind of compliment fishing either, it's gotten to the point I dont even like getting nice comments about it on my ao3 inbox anymore.

I sit down to work on it and I just... can't. All I can think about is how cringy it sounds ... and how bad it is, etc etc

Logically I know I'm actually a pretty good writer. But all I see when I look at this shit is mistakes.

And I come across in my writing as... way too emotional and earnest? If that makes any sense. I've mentioned I never made a plot outline, that shit is sooo obvious when i read it. And how I changed the plot three or four times. And how I changed the plot every time I got upset.

I used to not give a fuck about appealing to other people when I wrote because I didnt have anyone whose opinion I cared about reading it but now I feel like I have to write it not shittily or I'll disappoint everyone and myself. And I'm not capable of writing it not shittily right now because I would

a) have to build off the disjointed skeleton I've already made that's got plot holes and mischaracterizations

b) start over from scratch

And I can't do it right now! I cant!

I keep thinking about how my best friend told me I shouldn't put vent art on the internet at all. I feel disgusting now almost. Like people that take pics of their cuts and post em. I know shes full of shit but I cant shake the feeling. That it's my fault if I trigger somebody. That by writing anything that isnt a joke or fluff I'm doing something gross and self-masturbatory and harmful. "If you interpret the characters in a way the author didnt want you're just wrong..." that's what she said.. Its kirby and Meta knight and magolor for gods sake. What am I doing trying to make a gritty realistic darkfic... from a kids game.... cringe.... (only me tho. Nobody else counts)

Even my other works for other fandoms, it almost feels like they're on a timer as soon as I post them. I go "I like that, that's good" and post, and then a few days later I'm like "oh . That's shit now" and it has nothing to do with engagement or anything, its just like an arbitrary switch flipped in my brain

The only time I was writing well and writing consistently... was when I was being abused... I feel like I've lost my spark ... because maybe the only time I can make anything good is when I'm under so much emotional pressure I feel like I'm about to snap.... but if that were true I should be writing right now haha.

And I can sit here and know all these things, that when I'm stressed my thought process goes all stupid, that I'm actually a good writer, that I'm not hurting anybody by the fic I post, that writing something shit is better than not writing anything at all, but it doesn't do anything to change how I feel.

But. I did say it's not discontinued, didnt I?

If its stressing me out so much well why dont I delete it, well the answer to that is I HATE HATE HATE when authors delete their good shit.... deep down I know a lot of people love my stories and that they have some worth... that's why I haven't deleted them all...

I love writing, still.... writing for cotl feels less bad than kirby cos.. it feels like its expected to be edgy and dark, so I dont feel bad about what I write until later at least... but I still love to write and create....

I just need some time... I miss writing kirby stuff but I just can't face my own writing. I cant face myself. And it order to start writing again -- I think that's my problem. I would have to forgive myself for not being perfect. I would have to admit that , like my writing , its okay to love myself/my writing even with the manymanymany .flaws.

I can't. Not right now. Maybe later tho

I didnt have that last revelation before. Not until I wrote everything out. When I was trying to explain all my feelings to someone else , I ended up explaining it to myself. This post was long overdue anyway

Sorry

[davidrobertjonesimmortal]

I'm bored and unable to fall asleep yet.

Are you “with” the very last person you kissed? I very happily am! ☺ Ever dated/kissed a someone with the name Casey, Tyler, Ryan, Jordan, Colton, Rebecca, Samantha, Lauren, Taylor, or Ashley? Jordan, Samantha, Taylor, Ashley. Yes. Was your last kiss, standing up, sitting down, or lying down? Sitting down. 😊 Are you happy with the choices you’ve made? For the most part. Are you excited for anything? Seeing My Person and boyfriend again! Do you hate the last person you kissed? FAR from it. You’re stuck in an elevator with one of your worst enemies, what do you do? Ignore ignore ignore. Will this weekend be a good one? ABSOLUTELY! Are you mad at someone right now? Eh. Not enough to worry about it. Do you like to listen to the radio in the car? Oh hell yes. Do you sleep with a fan on? Yep, and a noise machine. How is your hair right now? Probably all kinds of fucked up lol but I’m in bed about to sleep so igaf. Have you ever broken up with someone for someone else? Yes. How many windows are open on your computer? Both of my computers are asleep. Lucky electronics. How tall are you? 5'9"! Is something bothering you? Not that I can think of atm. Have you ever taken a shower with anyone before? Nah don’t think so. Have you ever laughed at something that wasn’t meant to be funny? Oh yeah. All the time. My whole reasoning behind going to see Fifty Shades. Just to laugh. Have you ever told someone of the opposite sex “Fuck you”? I tell everyone that. Do you like to cuddle? I LOVE cuddling. Have you done anything sneaky lately? Yeah, lied to grandparents. Not exactly sorry. Is your hair clean? Yeah! Not bad at least. Last night, did you go to sleep smiling? Every night, because of him. How lame. Were you happy when you woke up today? Please see above and replace night with day lol. What are you drinking right now? Currently working on a Mountain Dew Pitch Black mmm 😍 Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? For sure in boyfriend's car because it fucking yells at me 🙄😒 Does someone have feelings for you? lol I would hope Nick does. Have you ever been cheated on? Yeah. Sucks. Are you hard to please? Not at all! Littlest things excite me and make me happy. What are you craving right now? My boyfriend lol. How are you feeling right now? Ridiculously happy. What are you sick of? My head hurting! Are you missing anyone/something? Miss Sasha. All day every day. Relationship to the last person you called? She's my mommy! Could you date someone shorter than you? Nope, couldn't stand it. Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet? Oh yeah. My grandparents. Do you wear glasses? I do not! Unless I want them as an accessory lol. Where did you sleep last night? My bed. Do you straighten your hair? Sometimes! What color shirt are you wearing? Black 😎 Do you have a best friend? I have a few! #blessed Do you wish you had the chance to go back in time and change something now? Eh. Nothing really comes to mind. Who is the last person you got a text from? Baaaaaabe ☺ Are you excited for winter? To END. When are you at your happiest? With him. LAME. Or with Sasha! Is there anything you wish you did today? Why haven’t you done it? Nah I'm pretty happy with today. Do you prefer to spend your time indoors or outdoors? Depends on the weather. What were you doing before you started this survey? Watching my boyfriend and his nephew play a video game. Can you honestly say that you love yourself? I have my days. 😇 How many people have you kissed? I don't keep count lol Do you just feel awkward when you dance? Yeah for the most part honestly. Do you think you spend too much time feeling upset? More time than I'd like to. Is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance? Nah. No point. Do you own a pair of uggs? FUCK NO. What are your plans for tomorrow? Internship then who knows. Has the person you have feelings for ever told you that you’re attractive? He tells me all the time. 😍 Can you get over people easily? Not at all. Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay? Never. How was your weekend? Pretty good! Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? I do actually. How do you feel right now? Very, very happy. Do you hide your feelings or show them? I am transparent even when I don't want to be. Do you like to have long hair or short hair? Looooong always. What is the last thing you cooked today? I don't really cook. What do you always take with you? Phone! Last person you drove around in a car with? My babe. Do you think relationships are hard? They take work but well worth it when you find the right person for you. What are your plans for this weekend? The next coming weekend? None yet. Any friends who are constantly venting about their significant other? None that I can think of. Have you ever been ice-skating? Yeah! I suck at it but it's super fun! Does the sound of rain at night help you sleep? Sometimes. Have you ever seen an albino person, in person? I don't believe so... Do you like Fuze drinks? Don't think I've tried any. Did the end of Hamilton make you sad? Didn't watch it lol. Have you ever worn a pair of scrubs? Every day I work lol. Do you obsessively apply lip-gloss or lip balm? Nope! Anything in your room that you’re hiding from your parents or someone else? YUP LOL Do you think you’d have what it takes to shoot someone if you had to protect yourself? Yep. What’s your most noticeable flaw? Teeth. And what’s your best feature? Hair probably. Have you ever walked into a massive cobweb? Ugh. Yes. When you can tell that someone’s lying, do you call them out on it? Depends how close we are. Or what mood I'm in lol. Have you ever hallucinated? Yeah. Do you find serial killers fascinating? YES OH MY WORD. Do you like Musicals? Sure. Is your hair damaged? Yeah somewhat. Do you live with anyone that you try to avoid at all costs? Grandparents lol. Who was the last person you threw out of your life? Ex-fiancée. Are you wearing socks? Yes! Do you regret something you did yesterday? I was kinda bitchy to babe. When was the last time you cried? Last weekend. Why were you crying? Thinking about sad shit. Whats the last thing you ate? Broccoli and cheese soup! What kind of bottoms are you wearing? Leggings, always. 💜 What do you hear right now? Video game babe and Jul are playing. How many hours did you sleep last night? Idk, enough I guess. Is something bothering you right now? My head a bit. In the past week have you gotten sick? Nope! In the past week have you felt stupid? Not really. In the past week have you got your hair cut? No, I neeeeed to. What were you doing at 9 AM this morning? Working. 😒 In the past week have you felt sad? Yeah. Has someone disappointed you recently? Eh not really. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? Absolutely. If you could pack up and move, would you? IN A HOT FUCKING SECOND! Do you hate when people smoke around you? Yeeeeees. Can't breathe. Who have you texted in the last 24 hours? Babe, Mom.