#idk if i could be a rave techno gay but i miss clubbing

[loverboydotcom]

trying to psychoanalyse my multiple dreams about being in berlin last night

[dj-dondondonki]

girly rave in chengdu

went to a rave last weekend in chengdu.

it was fun!

i think it really hit home for me there how closed off from the outside (Western) world China has really become. in Taipei, techno events are usually at least half white Western expats (mostly European guys and rly young exchange students). this chengdu rave was like...almost all Chinese (mostly Szechuanese judging from dialect). except one German girl (why is there always a German?? any rave anywhere in the world???).

it was refreshing, actually, to be at a techno event where the vibe was not mid European guys holding drinks and their overdressed Taiwanese gfs vaping. it reminded me of my first rave, in nyc - a queer rave with a lot of open gay-ness, lesbians, trans people clearly there for the celebration of queerness as much as for the music. at this chengdu event there were a ton of lesbians. a lot of women in general actually -- more women than men, and both the DJs playing that night were women.

(reminded me of something my cousin said: apparently Szechuan is the province in China where women have the highest societal status and comparative equality to men, a factor that influenced Luis Vuitton's decision to open their China flagship in Chengdu??)

the vibe was very house party-esque -- felt like a close-knit community who knew each other well. a lot of ppl were there just to hang out rather than to dance/get wasted. little clusters of friend groups posted up outside the venue all night, gossiping n smoking n hugging n talking each other through gay heartbreak </3 .

i danced a lot and then wanted to chat w people but nobody really approached me :( i even did the thing where i bummed cigarettes as a way to enter a conversation but it did not work, people just gave me a cigarette silently lol. that's something i'm still not used to - the general standoffishness of Asian people at nightclubs. not that i find Americans at raves especially friendly, but i do think American raves (esp very gay ones) have more of a loose, chummy intimate feel -- you can randomly start dancing w strangers, vibing, hugging, whatever -- whereas Asians definitely respect each others' personal space on the dancefloor. it's something i miss a lot about nyc tbh.

the space was super small - two rooms, the smaller room was like the size of my living room in taipei. they had a brazilian DJ playing there and a cute cooler w juice boxes and chrysanthemum tea, etc. the bigger room had a local Chengdu DJ, an older lady, chainsmoking n getting rly drunk and the crowd was going HARD for her. like screaming for their favorite tracks and they were rly rly dancing. apparently they dance till sunrise at these things. there's no official end time it's just when ppl get too tired, usually 6 or 7am.

the one thing i disliked was how much ppl were smoking. they smoke A LOT here, like ppl were chainsmoking like crazy while dancing inside this tiny closed room, it was SOUPY w secondhand smoke. i was coughing the day after and i feel like it's still in my lungs now :'((( why do chinese ppl have to smoke so much???

i've been thinking about raving in general lately n my relationship to it -- there was a time like two years ago when i first started clubbing, when i really thought dancing n clubbing could be like...my meaning in life LOL. my salvation. i was inspired by david mancuso in the 70s, the infamous utopian loft parties, the subversive gay/black subculture that gave rise to techno, and i was hosting these cute!! DIY!! basement parties w my friends thinking that possibly RAVE COULD SAVE THE WORLD. or at least save...people like me? lesbian misfits seeking art n community??

these days i feel like so much older. like idk. maybe dancing n loud techno n drugs is just...dancing n techno n drugs?? you go out enough and everything starts to feel the same, the crowd around you gets younger and younger, you recognize the same characters on the dancefloor no matter where in the world it is.

i think i'm getting to a stage where i either need more out of clubbing (like, i'm craving a clubbing/dancing experience that's more overtly community-based and warm and intentionally uplifting) or maybe, clubbing is no longer satisfying my need for... whatever, a creative/energetic outlet, a sense of vibing and celebration with others.

(also: see this masterpiece of music journalism that describes the clubbing scene in chengdu)