#idk navigate life with it. because they make it look like someone who has bpd

[albtrosz]

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[ambitchiovs]

lenny back at it again… i warned y’all about the intros dump. anyway, off to this bitch:

&&. isn’t that [ DEBORAH ANN WOLL ] walking around the hamptons? oh no, nevermind it’s just [ ADELAIDE MONTSERRAT ]. y'know, the [ 19 ] year old [ CIS FEMALE ] known to be quite [ CHARISMATIC and DETERMINED ] but also [ CUNNING and RUTHLESS ]. currently, the police has them as [ A PERSON OF INTEREST ] in the case of samantha wheeler, because they [ WERE PART OF SAMANTHA’S FRIEND GROUND ]. but they go on about their life as [ A STUDENT ]. i wonder what secrets they’re keeping?  [ lenny/23/gmt+3/she/her ]

TW: eating disorders, addiction, mental disorders, possible suicidal thoughts/mentions

DON’T YOU EVER TAME YOUR DEMONS, ALWAYS KEEP THEM ON A LEASH.

In the eyes of Adelaide Montserrat, there was never a girl to be found. If you dare to pry, you will not find what strangers see when they pass her by the crowd. You will look into a bottomless void that threatens to swallow you whole and it will look back at you with smiling teeth. Little Addie, once a girl with pink tutu’s and ballerina shoes, was never one to be meddled with - she would captivate all her teachers and classmates with rosy cheeks and a clever tongue beyond her years, but there was nothing warm or kind about the little girl whose parents held so close she nearly choked to death.

History goes, her father — her biological father, anyhow, was a very powerful politician before he dropped dead. Nobody really knows what happened that night - all everybody seems to know is that all her loved ones seem to fall like dominoes. Her father died when she was 16, during a robbery. The men were never caught, but little Adelaide was left bawling into her mother’s lap. Surprising as it may be, she was actually the product of a one night stand and poor lack of judgement, or so her mother likes to tell her - but Catherine Montserrat was no fool, and she took him for all he had - and as it turns out… That was a lot.

That doesn’t come cheap, for Adelaide, anyways. Being a part of a new family meant she now had a new player to share her inheritance with - and damned if she didn’t do everything she could to throw them off the board. In the eyes of her parents, she could do no wrong - she was pure and pristine and everything they hoped their little girl would be. You’d assume being the younger sibling meant competing for attention - but she never competed. She never even considered it a competition. She won, plain and simple. Her half brother, that man who called himself her “father” now were but pebbles in her shoes, nuisances she had to navigate through to continue on with her luxurious lifestyle. They didn’t understood her, didn’t particularly wanted to, and it was easier to smear on some foundation and bake it with powder than let explain why her skin was cracking. It was easier to strap on those old ballerina shoes and put on a show until her toes were bleeding, than to try and show them what was behind the curtains. And all jewelry in the world, all praise, all money and countless designer bags she accumulated every year could never fill up that gaping hole, that detachment she felt towards the outside world and inability to connect with things and people - even those supposedly closest to her.

You see, Adelaide didn’t lose, because she tailored the game to her whims and batted her heavy set of lashes to make it seem fair. And if she did lose - the game be damned; she’d destroy it and any evidence of her failure with the wrath of a woman scorned. She didn’t want to be a little sister, or a daughter, or something for men to gawk at. She wanted to be something else. Anything other than this vile thing dripping with self-loathing , cloaked in a veil of perfectionism. Something that wasn’t rammed into this golden mold before she even took her very first breath.

Addie’s behavior as well as their parents favoritism only blurred the lines between love and hate between the half-siblings, complicating her understanding of relationships even further. And it certainly didn’t help that her new brother was just as stubborn and competitive as she was. The children were picture perfect, carrying on the legacy of their parents on their backs as if it weighed no more than a feather - while whatever had been good or soft in them began to rot.

But just who is Adelaide Montserrat? The reincarnation of the Virgin Mary to most. The girl with perfect hair, perfect hair and a perfect family. In truth, Adelaide could be seen only as a terror taken human form to those who opposed her, and a perfect, exemplary girl for those who keep a safe distance. What she is, what she truly is, is a game of smoking mirrors - a fragmented girl, scattered into so many pieces to cater to the whims of crowds, that now, when she looks into a mirror, the image that looks back is something recognizable; distorted.

Fueled by her own securities and desire to obtain perfection, paired with the crowd of rich kids that were offered to her as friends growing up, it didn’t take for things to escalate; by the age of only fourteen, poisoning their blood with alcohol, snorting up enough cocaine so she had to carry around wipes and kicking each other in the stomach while crouching over the toilet became somehow ordinary. Encouraged, even. All that deep-rooted self-hatred had to spill someway, somehow. She grew to resent how boys were granted more freedom, more room to misbehave and make mistake. She resented girls for being themselves, for not wanting to scream every second of every day. And she resented Samantha for how genuinely she could smile - for how easily everything came to her, and for how she was everything she could never be; while she was lying in a grave she dug herself - shackled to the image of perfection she’d crafted, held to the highest of regards, expected to never falter nor stutter. It was hard to define the relationship between her - one moment Addie was sweet, the next she was cruel. And as to that unfortunate Halloween night, she claims they parted ways before she could see anything.

All the harder she tries to cling to this illusion of control, the deeper she dives into that well. Parents often say kids will “grow out of it”; their fits of rage, their apathy towards other children, their unwillingness to share, their manipulative, spoiled ways of obtaining what they want- but Addie never did. Somewhere inside there’s still that little girl who’d rather break her toys in half than to share it with other kids. Who’d bump into other little girls at school, and tell the nurse they tripped. Who’d rather set her arm back in place herself than say “you were right”. The little girl who’ll sit in an empty throne all alone, built with the bones of the people she once claimed to love.

PERSONALITY-WISE:

Adelaide is emotionally unstable and has a very competitive, volatile, manipulative personality; she doesn’t forgive, and she sure as hell doesn’t forget, and she can lash out in incredibly ruthless ways due to her extreme lack of empathy for hers. Her addictions and unwillingness to ever speak to anyone in depth about herself only worsen the state of her BPD. Despite all this, on the surface, she can seem like just like any other pristine, privileged girl. It’s not usual for people to find her charming - she does exude that sort of magnetic aura that’s very easy to fall for, because people tend to see what they want to see - and therefore, it’s easy for her to adjust her personality to the expectations of whomever she’s trying to captivate. In a way, her entire personality has merged with her addiction: being friends with her feels a lot like moment of high in exchange for an eternity of sorrow.

She can be a loyal friend, to some extent, although she’ll never put anyone above herself. She’s also very insecure and prone to fits of rage (in private) whenever she doesn’t get what she wants (think broken mirrors and glasses), as her self-image is heavily dependent on what she can achieve and how others perceive her. Deep down, this all stems from jealousy - she so desperately wishes she could connect with other people and things the way everyone around her does, but in the end she can’t, and she’s left feeling like an outside looking in. If she’s miserable, why shouldn’t everyone around her be too?

HIT ME UP TO PLOT U COWARDS !!

for reals, though - i know this was unnecessarily long, but oh well. you can be ex friends with her? don’t know why they’re not friends anymore - but i’m willing to bet it’s addie’s fault.

maybe some sort of competitor?  academic or otherwise.

maybe there’s some poor ex out there who knows what a headcase she actually is? but probably can’t say much bc they fear for her life lmao.

she wouldn’t openly date anybody who could reflect poorly on her reputation, so secret hookups??? give me someone who’s getting sick of being used pls. ( she’s a closeted bisexual. society isn’t very welcome to the idea rn ) so girl crushes yes pls let girls have crushes on her. let her manipulate them bc she knows. i need.

also gimme someone who deals drugs to her tbh, bc this needs to be kept SUPER lowkey, but it’d also be hilarious bc she wouldn’t have to fake her personality around them & it’s like bitch what the fuck this girl is dr jekyll and mr hyde.

i’d love love to see a fake relationship - but i don’t mean the ‘secretly have feelings for each other’ - i mean the… secretly despise each other but they’re image-obsessed people and like being seen as the golden couple.

oH and pls someone give me a… dare i say sisterly connection? mostly, a girl who idolizes her or puts her on a pedestal, that she might or might not have a soft spot for ( which in addie’s handbook just means she’ll be that much crueler whenever she feels like it tbh ) & see it as some sort of protegee.

idk i’m open to anything, these are just suggestions thrown at the wall here. the point is… plot w me u cowards. and yes, my muse does bite.

[hillarykylie]

y’all it honestly annoys me so much when people think me suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder and my host of other mental health issues is a “choice”. - all of them are intertwined btw

like excuse me what the fuck? the first time I got diagnosed with clinical depression was when I was 12. fucking twelve years old. (I’m 18 now, it’s been 6 years with depression, 5 years with generalised anxiety disorder, 4 years on and off Anorexia and 1 year with BPD, and panic disorder. I’ve been on SSRI for almost a year now)

a lot of it has to do with my chaotic childhood, being sent away and abused by someone who wasn’t my biological parent, and losing some of my loved ones whilst I was growing up. but as usual, people think they know shit just because both my parents are wealthy business people, and assume that my life has been a bed full of roses this whole time and that I’ve been spoilt and pampered my whole life lmao

despite all of my traumatic experiences and struggles, I’ve never been the sort of person who’d wallow in my self-pity or see my mental illnesses as a justifiable “excuse” to not do my best in life or treat people with the respect they deserve? neither do I ever ask anyone for “help” or unload my problems onto them, I’d like to think I’m extremely self-sufficient.

Also I was taught when I was younger than telling people about your problems is essentially useless, but also unnecessary, redundant and dangerous.

trust me, if I could undo my mental illnesses with a snap of a finger and my relentless self-loathing or trade it with anything else, I would instantly do it in a heartbeat.

I know I shouldn’t be ashamed of my mental health, as none of it is my fault, but it makes me feel intrinsically shit when people think this is something I have active control over, or that I don’t deserve to suffer just because I hail from a well-to-do family and seem to be performing impeccably in life.

I’ve been to 4 different Psychologists, psychotherapists and 3 different psychiatrists, all of whom have treated and diagnosed me. If that’s not enough evidence, then idk what is.

With that being said, I’ve been a consistent high-achiever throughout school, or like a “nerd” as everyone refers me to LOL, with the exception that I’m incredibly open-minded and rebellious and a secret party animal. Being awarded with top in cohort for English Language, passing with distinction and commendation multiple times, playing the piano reaching grace 6th and Swimming competitively, being a dancer and winning trophies in my school’s Badminton team, being on the top students’ list for GCSE, getting a scholarship for A Levels, clinching the top for Politics, got A*AA in 7 months - and second best for Law, (and this was when my grandma passed away btw), having variegated interests such as dabbling in boxing and Muay Thai (before I dislocated my knee and when my health was more robust)and being a present writer and editor at my Uni’s magazine.

I practically embody the “perfect all-rounder”, but little do people know that I’d accomplished all of these through sheer hard-work and resilience, something that society in general would NEVER in a million years expect someone struggling with so many physical health, but also mental health issues to do so.

That’s precisely what I mean. I seem to have everything going for me on the surface, portraying the glitz and glamor of my life on Instagram - but internally - I’m struggling every single day with my mind, a whole contrast to my exterior and facade.

The reason why I don’t share in-depth accounts of my feelings, mental health, problems and past is because I know that I’d be trivalised and dismissed. It has happened to me all the time and it still happens, sadly.

Besides, I was raised in an environment where I was always told to keep my problems to myself, as people would eventually use my vulnerabilities against me. I was told to always analyse situations with a healthy amount of skepticism and doubt.

The stuff I’ve been through has made me incredibly wary of people in general, growing up witnessing violence and instability has had a profound impact on how I view myself, the world and others around me.

And oddly enough, whilst girls in school would obsess over finding their Prince Charming and envisioning happily-ever-after scenarios, I was that one morbid soul who’d never imagined myself getting attached to someone else. I saw attachment and trusting someone as the root of all evil. I thought the girls around me were simply naive, juvenile and blissfully ignorant and had always believed that marriage was nothing but an illusion. LOL I’m not kidding, my family was mortified when they heard me utter that at the age of 14/15.

Their look of terrified, aghasted faces were everything. I loved being alone and the idea of having someone romantically involved with me was beyond TERRIFYING. Hence why in relationships, I tend to emotionally distance myself when I sense intimacy being slowly established. I would NEVER tell my ex’s what I would be feeling and panicked at the prospect of them getting to see the raw parts of me. I was so self-sufficient and independent that some of them lamented on how I got so ‘distant’ and ‘cold’ as I gradually pushed them away.

Whilst I did get into relationships as I grew older, I never really saw a future with anyone I got with. I mainly just wanted to feel validated, if that makes sense. I struggled with an unstable self-identity at the point in time, as well as an alarmingly low self-worth. I did get terribly hurt and destroyed along the process of dating these people, but some of these “breakups” and “endings” were instigated by me.

Instead of hurting more intensely should they abandon me after, I’d self-sabotage my own relationship back then and distance myself as far as I could from them, breaking up with them before they could break up with me, so the pain would hurt less eventually.

Rather, I went through a phase where I was simply cruising through a series of unstable casual relationships. Not proud of it, don’t recommend it.

My motto has always been “do it now, and it’ll hurt less later. No one stays forever”. It’s a little sad and distressing that I still believe in that now, but I think a lot of this has to do with what I witnessed within my upbringing when I was a child, which’s all been ingrained in me.

I was never optimistic about anything growing up, instead - I was the biggest pessimist and nihilist you’d ever meet. I find it very very hard to navigate romantic relationships, extremely impossible for me in fact. I never even thought about marriage when I was younger. Yeah I had childhood crushes, but I was literally that girl who couldn’t care less about finding a significant other. Whilst all my friends were madly in love, I was the kid who’d lost hope in humanity and faith in human relationships. Honestly I’ve just never thought I was worthy of love? I always think I’m too broken and damaged for someone to care for me, and the idea that everyone will leave eventually has been so ingrained in me that it’s almost impossible to abandon. I just never thought anyone would ever get me.

I feel like a lot of it has to do with people invalidating me when I was younger, and the fact that BPD itself is such a misunderstood disorder in itself that I feel wronged and maligned all the time. I also have an inherently hard time expressing my emotions.

I’m not the sort of person who’d explode on someone, rather, I’d implode and ‘act in’ on myself and keep myself in isolation when things go awry. I start pushing every single person away as soon as I find them inching a little too close to me.

I do miss people, but I wouldn’t say I’m clingy. I’m far from clingy, literally the complete opposite. Distant, aloof, indifferent, guarded.

[deqdyke]

1, 9, 12, 18, 21, 27, 32, 36, 42, 48,'50, 51, 69, 77, 81, 84 pls❤

*1. Are looks important in a relationship?*I’d be lying if I said no? But also I actively try to decolonize my ideas of beauty and work on stuff like ableism and such. Its rlly helped me figure out what I ACTUALLY find attractive, and it’s not always what’s “traditionally” attractive!

*9. Describe your perfect mate*The way this is phrased squicks me out! 😫But idk! Like I said, it changes. I do tend to fall for passionate and sweet people. Like, the sort of people who really care. I also have a history of dating neurodivergent people! Most of my partners and crushes have been autistic, all have had some form of neurodivergency!

*12. Do you forgive betrayal?*I dunno! I can’t predict my brains behaviors. Sometimes someone does something Small and my brain is like “they’re dead to you” and other times people will seriously hurt me and it won’t change anything.

18. There isn’t one ;p

*21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?*Honestly? No idea. I feel like maybe but I also don’t rlly see anything loveable about myself. :/ People need to be Up Front about their feelings for me bc I’m Dense.

*27. Has anyone ever written a song or a poem for you?*

Yes!!! 3 times. First time, my ex-boyfriend Terry wrote me a poem. I’ve also had a verse in a song about me, and a whole lullaby written for me (by my partner). 💞

*32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?*Binch that’s my life story!! Of course I have!! Every fuckin day!!

*36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?*If we’re close, I’m a lil bit gay for u. If I’m gay for u, we’re probably best friends. They go hand in hand for me? I dunno I have trouble understanding platonic vs. romantic, my brain is just like “it love!!!”.

*42. How long can you just kiss untill your hands start to wander?*Usually I’ll ask verbal consent first! Sometimes I’ll get rlly into it, and (esp if I’m drunk) my hands wander, but the person usually just moves my hand and I apologise and things are A-OK. Ive had a 6-7 hour make out session w/ no hand wandering so! (That was…hard on my mouth lol)

*48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?*It happens a lot!! I either encourage them to pursue it, or I encourage them but ask them not to discuss it w/ me. Sometimes if I’m in the Bad Place I get shitty and distance myself or lash out a wee bit, which is… Not ok, but usually I’m good? I think.

*50. If your first true love ever knocked on your door with an apology and presents, would you accept?*Depends on who you mean! Idk who was my ~first true love~. My kindergarten crush? Probably not. My first partner? Maybe! My abuser? Nope!!!

*51. Is there a PERSON who you would do absolutely everything for?*…yeah? BPD!!! Ive had multiple. But there are a couple who remain consistent!

*69. What turns you off?*Homophobia/transphobia/racism/etc. Also, talking about past sexual partners? Like u can do it, it just makes me feel a bit jealous/squicky. Working on it tho!!

*77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?*I def think they’re navigable to an extent, and I tend to be a bit lenient with it. The age range im willing to date is 18-23/24, but the 18 year old is rlly rare/they have to be like, super self-reliant and in college and stuff? And even then I’d tread carefully.I would also date an older couple, personally! Like if a pair if 28 y/o lesbians approached me as a couple I would def be interested? Idk why it seems Nice.

*81. Who are five people you find attractive?*Uhhh celebs or irl? I don’t wanna tag people I’m friends with bc trust me, they know how cute I think they are, but I’m having trouble thinking of five celebs? The only person who comes to mind rn is Alex Roberts (the tabletop personality) and she’s not even that famous! So idk 😫 I might come back to this once I’m more well rested.

84. *Why did your last relationship fail?*Just because it’s over doesn’t mean it failed. I don’t regret it at all and we knew going in it might not last forever. sounds cheesy but we both helped each other improve and I’m okay w/ it. *Shrugs*

Ty!! 💞💞