#idk none of this is getting to the point i just. what's the yoongi quote? wanna throw myself away

[indigodawns]

.

[alpacaparkaseok]

Okay I have to start by stating the obvious bc it needs to be said every time I read anything you write: you are so talented 😭

Reader’s clap back to Russo had me 😂

“As you wonder if your father looked the same when his body as found” 🧐🕵🏽‍♀️ I’d like to know that too. How did I forget Ortega’s comments about Bianchi’s body 😐

Okay…can’t lie. The “here, we teach how to get away with it” was a really good one. You got me there Russo you got me there

Yoooongiiii. So even in reading the previous chapter again before this…yoongi do be looking really sus 😐 I h8 it here. The paranoia is REAL. This whole scene with the ring is…interesante 🧐🕵🏽‍♀️…I have thoughts (none of them coherent).

What do you mean she made up her mind on the drive over here 😐

“Funny. It’s daytime, but you’re seeing stars” GODDAMMIT THATS A GOOD LINE (I’m sorry this seems to be just me quoting stuff but like…how can I NOT!???) (also sounds like Namjoon’s still salty about the fake death thing 😬…so much has happened I almost forgot that that wasn’t too long ago. Right? How many days have passed since?)

WE BOTH KNOW WHAT-

Using a simile about a ballerina to describe a car crash is just…pure brilliance. I love you and your big brain 😭

Hobi??? Dammit it’s been too long since I’ve read the other chapters 😭 I for sure have to do some rereading 🕵🏽‍♀️ OF COURSE THE WORDS DONT SETTLE IN. I’m sick of not knowing all the things ☹️ (she says knowing damn well it’s a lie 🙄😂)

Oooh a flashback???? 👀 (we got multiple flashbacks!!! Hurray!!)

There sure are a lot of ‘darkness’ / ‘dark’ references…feels like in chapter 11 with ‘light’ but you know…opposite 🕵🏽‍♀️

“Bleeding out yet still looking at you as if you shaped the world” 🥲 to “you won’t always be” 😭

Misunderstood mad scientist type is 100% correct 😏🔥 (help Hoseok as the light 😭😭😭)

Or maybe…😐 (you’re killing me here!!!)

An emotion huh…(loving this namjoon time btw, also incredibly interesting to me that he’s the one she decides she can trust most. The one she’s known for the shortest amount of time. I want to say it was a good choice but I think I’ve established that the bar for my paranoia is quite high at this point so 😂)

Okay but I SWEAR, as I read “a book in hand that he’d fallen asleep reading” my thought no joke was ‘that’s so weird and normal?’ AND THATS WHAT YOU WROTE TOO. I feel like we just had a weird sort of jinx moment? And I’m weirdly delighted 😂

Unspoken understanding huh…

*editors note: two seconds later 😂

Yup okay that tracks

OH SHIT THE EARRINGS

Ouch…that’s gotta hurt. The pride on her father’s face. Can’t imagine she enjoys him thinking they are similar in any sense. I wouldn’t, the bastard 😡

A photo? Of her mother maybe? Damn…I really wanna reread everything now (seriously It’s been so long that now I don’t even remember if I’m supposed to know where Yadiel is from, cause the comments about the accent and tanned skin has me 🕵🏽‍♀️) I swear every little detail you write feels important, whether they are or not and here is when I once again tell you how good of a writer you are. *insert Bernie sanders meme*

I literally shivered when I read “a finger tracing a line from your shoulder to your wrist” 🕵🏽‍♀️

“Your jungkook” 😐 I feel like I don’t even have to say anything here 🧍🏽‍♀️YOU KNOW WHAT (I won’t quote the other related line BUT YOU KNOW 🙃 always referring to their past ‘relationship’ so…blasé)

Yadiel 🔪🔪🔪 every time he touches her I want to scream. A shoulder caress to a tight grip around her wrist…then a nose boop to a push against a wall…if that doesn’t scream manipulation idk what does 😡. In an abusive toxic relationship it’s all about subtlety and he has it down pat (it’s the gaslighting for me 😐)

Another piece of jewelry referred to as somehow alive…huh 🕵🏽‍♀️

Jail. Jail for the transition back to the present including conjuring the image of Namjoon fresh from the shower in a ‘snug’ white shirt 😐 FROM A SUPER INTENSE AND DENSE FLASHBACK NO LESS (did I ignore the “a little more” in front of “snugly” maybe so 🤷🏽‍♀️😂 but still jail time for you ma’am)

Dammit. Im about to read the namjoon scene you posted about aren’t I 😭 started strong with “where does it hurt” 😳👀 SIR LEAVE ME ALONE I ALREADY KNOW THIS AINT END GAME DONT DO THIS TO ME

Wait, “you know he’s seeing someone else, too” 🧐🕵🏽‍♀️

2020!??? 🕵🏽‍♀️ (Omg it happened again…the jinx. Tho this one feels like it’s an inevitability, cause like…that’s how conversations go 😂 BUT STILL)

I-

…..

I have thoughts. Whilst simultaneously having no thoughts 😐

(The way I can’t even properly comment on what follows after…EXCEPT “actually, call me regardless” gave me heart palpitations, one might say…my heart skipped a beat 🤧 and the “he’s looking at you” 👀 “your chest doesn’t hurt so bad when you laugh” 😩 I’m nothing if not a simp)

Ahhhhhh it’s taking so much of my willpower to leave it at that…SO I’LL LEAVE IT AT THAT JUST KNOW THIS IS GONNA BE ME ALL WEEK WHILE I TRY TO FIND SOME TIME TO REREAD

In conclusion: now that we’re reaching the end (I hate that sentence) I would just like to say that this is 100(1 million)% one of the best things I’ve ever read. I love all these characters so much and it’s so well written it’s insane. I can barely go paragraph to paragraph without getting ansias bc I want to tell you how brilliant you are cause I need you to understand the power you hold 😭. Thank you for sharing this with us 🥺

Ok reader getting a little jab in was definitely so therapeutic 🤧 Russo deserves it, the lil punk. Although I'm so happy you liked his little line about getting away with murder, I was pretty proud of his haha

Ooh yes, the ring. There's so much that happens in this chapter, the ring just kinda fades into the background. But I actually really enjoyed that bit. Very interesante 🧐

gahhh you flatter me. the "seeing stars" line and the whole ballerina analogy, so glad people think they're cool because I thought so too haha

Hobi!! I'll give ya a hint, she's recalling a conversation she had with him in chapter 11 :)

speaking of chapter 11, I laughed out loud at "There sure are a lot of ‘darkness’ / ‘dark’ references…feels like in chapter 11 with ‘light’ but you know…opposite 🕵🏽‍♀️"

Jinx! Haha great minds think alike

Right on the money, Yadiel is the gaslighting kind I swear. The earrings, the gift, the pressuring, the moodswings. I love yaddy!

haha I knowww Namjoon ain't endgame but boy if he was 🤧 I would be deceased

puh-lease the power I hold?? I wouldn't have even gotten this far if it weren't for you and everyone that reads my crap 😭 you're too sweet, thank you for analyzing and sharing your thoughts with me, it makes me a much better creator.

may the force be with you trying to prep for the final chapter!

[alukaforyou]

and ALSO sry to post bs on main im mostly just talking to myself in my personal tag half the time so yolo, no need to respond to this or reassure me or whatever but these days i licherally question how much of my - sry to sound like a broken record - bs is dépression or just my shité mentality, like i rly was not designed to last, huh? physically or mentally? lol. like who gets motion sickness on swings lmao anyways. i think i give up too easily. theres a bunch of reasons y but i dont feel like saying. its a different thing to kind of kno something, and to admit / speak it (confront it). i could psychoanalyze myself all day and tell u exactly why some things are the way they are but its too unpleasant to neatly state stuff like that u kno?? like... *i kno* but im not gonna say i kno. anywho, i digress. so i give up easily and kind of have a defeatist mentality too, its so exhausting lool. actually its weird cuz duality of man, i'll be rly determined / stubborn abt doing some stuff and not care abt fear of failure with certain things but when it comes to My Life / My Future i just think i cant rly do anything? i mean that literally like i got no skillz *laugh crying emoji* not particularly good at anything, and art - the only thing im maybe arguably ok at - i dont wanna do as a career, that is art therapy for me i dont feel like commercializing it. not interested in working in my major, maybe things wouldve been different if i went to culinary or cosmetology school?? that sounds fun. or if i majored in bio cuz i was so good at that, or even if i majored in japanese language or literature or idk. but no regrets tho cuz i learned a lot abt drawing in art school which i can use for myself. and hmm i like staying home and not rly going out of my way to meet new ppl so connections what? i h8 hearing how most opportunities come through the ppl u kno cuz its true and ik like 10 ppl tops so hm very sexi of me :^) i just feel like im p much f*cked and it rly doesnt help that i have no functional dreams, goals, or aspirations nor the confidence and drive to work towards anything so ah ok cool. u kno suga's songs "the last" and "so far away" ? that p much sums up my feels minus the part abt having to deal w fame obviously LOL. its so easy being a student (for me at least) but being a good student isnt really worth a whole lot in the """""real world""""" and the current education system doesnt even rly prepare u for reality or w.e like Deep Sigh also the political climate rly lookin like shité out there like hmmmmm do i even wanna try so hard to be here anymore tho??? also going back to the self confidence thing, ya idk her LOOOOL like it doesnt very much bother me tho? i really, honest to god have no idea what my redeeming qualities even are. being nice? and my mindset re - tolerance and compassion for others, etc, ya im rly proud of that actually but besides that i mean like what can i Do tho like hm im not particularly good at anything also im hideous like uglee but thats ok too like none of this Bothers me, thats just literally how i Am so ok fine, but i feel like it makes it hard for me to exist in the world i happen to be in??? and i realize im speaking with a huge bias here cuz my brain is totally out of whack im p sure if some1 saw me / read this they would lit be like um u literally do not have it hard girl, which is fair ur kinda right actually from an objective pov, probably? its amazing how um. hard? of a time my brain is having given my relatively ok circumstances but thats just how it is ig. and if i may quote shakespeare - o full of scorpions is my mind. and its weird cuz duality of man - i actually have a lot of good times w friends and whatever i have a lot of fun, im not even very Sad or in Agony its all very a mild? sensation? but that might be because my plan b is to simply *** so nothing rly fazes me anymore lool.

its usually a v confusing emotion, im either feeling happy, or if not that, very ???? im literally that duwang quote get a feeling so complicated its just "ajdjsjsja" idk its not overly repulsive and upsetting im like :s LOL u kno wat at this point idek what im even saying anymore but its good that im writing whatever cuz im gonna need to look back on this later and organize my thoughts for presentation cuz remember i have a s.o now???? i wanna let them kno so we r on the same page, and i dont feel like im tricking them, i thought it over more and there are like 4? major cards i wanna lay out on the table early on and they are 1. im not that close w my family emotionally so do not seek their approval or expect to deal with them much. 2. personal ideology / political views like im bi lmao and pro lgbt if that wasnt obvious also i dont rly wanna be around racists / terfs etc and if ur right wing or not on that respect women juice uhhh bye.. 3. my weak ass mentality how i might Maybe *** in the future like no promise but errrr theres one more but its a little more negotiable and also too early to discuss so i wont mention it but i already got the first two outta the way so ya. theres the most troublesome of all, #3. the last thing i wanna do is traumatize someone that loves me (and i love back) with that kinda thing, its too late for my dear friends whom i love, sorry i didnt kno i was gonna be like this LOL yall already got attached but its a little different with my s.o cuz i feel like its not too late to uh.... stop getting as attached LMAO like dam i've known my girls for almost 10 years whereas i've only known my s.o for like a month.

and this is totally not gonna come across right but if my s.o very understandably desides to dump me id be SO RELIEVED LIKE WOOOO ok cool cuz like essentially what i'd be saying is you are getting attached to someone who's future is not as stable as other people, including u. *huge exhale* from the bottom of my heart, my bad lol. and then i probs wont ever get involved w. a s.o again, sorry to reference snk in 2020 but remember how e*win smith is single cuz he doesnt kno when he will ***? big mood. i have never acted out on my interests before but i was like ok for once lets go off the shits and do smth ooc, i uh... didnt expect for it to actually go anywhere tho so now im like ???? i shouldve thought it through more tho, like i felt low key irresponsible af and selfish and dumb for getting involved w. someone even tho i Know how I Am like...... Also i just lov being single and staying home and chilling alone lmao like i seriously...... never get loney....

ok so what was i talking abt? how the passage of time makes me nervous cuz idk how i can manage to keep up w it??? how i feel like i cant do jack shit???? that life is hard???? and maybe a bih just wants to rest? permanently?????? i think the most irritating part of all for me, like what i am most mad about at myself is that i have no dream. yikes. naruto, do u think thats sad? well yoongi said its okay, and what counts is just being happy, so i will console myself and forgive her and idk just try my best for the time being??