#idk what to call this weird personal manifesto or whatever the fuck you'd call it

[thesixthstar]

Just gonna say one post for Ace Awareness week really, but its a point i rarely, if ever, see made, and I’d appreciate if you (yes, you!) would read it and at least think on it despite it being a wall of text and my being a rambler. (This is kinda an ace and aro message bc for me, personally, being ace-spec and being aro-spec are intertwined in ways I cannot separate, and because imo those two IDs face certain issues together, or at least similar issues for similar reasons)

Supporting aspec people and identities doesn’t just mean supporting allo aces in relationships with other allo aces, or allo aros who are sexually active (though supporting those cases is absolutely required and imo bare minimum). Supporting aspec people and IDs involves supporting us when we question what relationship norms look like, and in building relationships that fall outside of the norm without writing them off, or pretending that “this relationship model is Just Like the Normal One! We’re not That Different!!!”

Like yes, its good to normalize relationships that aren’t currently recognized in the Mainstream (Mostly Heteronormative) Handbook of Partnership Models (and where are y’all getting these copies of the handbook that define “friendship” in the weird ways i’m seeing? what edition was that?). But imho an honorable goal would be to stop requiring that our relationships look normal to you.

I spout this off about a lot of Handbook Accepted relationships too, but the idea of what a relationship Should Be Like, outside of just. an honest attempt on all parts to create a healthy dynamic that maximizes happiness, is often harmful to a lot of relationships. 

I’ve avoided using certain terms in this post (some on purpose some just bc thats how i talk/write), and if that makes it sound really broad, and less specific to asexuality in particular, that’s because it is. Aspec folks feel this, when we hear how “selfish” we’re being in relationships with allosexual partners, or when our QPR or platonic life partnership, or other Arrangements* gets written off as “just friends”, or even worse “just friends, and how stupid are you for thinking you’re the only one with a Best Friend, how stupid are you for thinking your clearly-different situation is different?”. If you talk to polyamorous folks** about this, you’ll likely hear a similar story about what folks outside of their communities consider a “real” relationship. Honestly? If you talk to the most bland looking heterosexual couple, how many of them will have a good handful of relationship issues based on what the gf/bf/wife/husband is “supposed” to do, bc they’re basing their relationship off a one-size-fits-all model, rather than addressing what they and their partner want and need out of each other and themselves? Lots. Most of whom won’t admit it because they think their problem is that they’re failing at the System, rather than the System failing them. 

I usually don’t bring this up, especially during Ace Awareness Week and other such events, because I’m so used to being the Asexuality 101 teacher to many of my friends (since I was 15 basically), touting the “I’m asexual, but dont worry, I’m Just Like You!” line to make it seem approachable to outsiders, and this is really not an entry-level convo to have with a lot of folks, but i’m sick of never bringing it up. Its a conversation that has to happen and i’m apparently the only one in my little corner of the internet with a weird personal manifesto to write on the subject. 

If this kind of break-down of concepts in this particular way is new to you, or your immediate reaction is “fuck all of this”, or even “aspec IDs and polyamory aren’t the same! how does it make sense to compare the two” then I have this to say to you: Hello! Welcome! I hope you’ll take a little while to be open-minded and think about these issues from a few different angles! I know it took me a good few years to navigate myself to these opinions*** and I never would have gotten there without a healthy mix of well meaning individuals ready to talk out tangled concepts without contempt. I should hope it’s obvious from this post that I don’t consider the experiences and struggles of all groups with these constructs to be equivalent to each other. But the primary reason I consider myself an inclusionist is that that’s how a community works. The more people we have coming to the table with their experiences, sharing in good faith, and fucking listening to each other, the better this turns out for all of us. 

*You’ll forgive me for not being up to date on the terminology I hope, because I’m not hip with what the aspec kids are up to, and also for not trying to list Every Permutation of Non-romantic Partnership, as the idea of trying to find, label, and file into boxes every kind of animal our minds create is counter to the whole spirit of this post

**i write about polyamorous folks here as a “them” and not an “us” bc I have No Earthly Idea whether I might potentially identify as poly or not. that identity question is not important to me atm, and while I know plenty of poly folks, and have Disk Horsed some with many of them, i've never actively been in a poly relationship, and its not an ID i’ve ever actively worn, so i won’t pretend to know that from the inside experience.

***can you believe I went from “the A is not for ally! but why are poly folks asking to be included? they’re not in the same boat at all!” to genuine inclusionism without ever having had an overt conversation about it with a single soul? it was all subconscious shifting in understanding in values and the first time I realized where all my opinions had shifted on that topic, is wasn’t a surprise, but it was a “....huh” moment