#attraction anarchy

[aro-absol]

You know what I like so much about the aromantic community?

We have so many concepts that the average alloromantic person has never heard of. Concepts that make it so much easier to explain our experiences, desires and struggles to other people. They make it so much easier to exist as an aromantic person in this world. Of course, every aromantic person can decide whether they find these concepts helpful and applicable to their experiences. But I find it amazing how many cool concepts the aromantic community either came up with or took pre-existing concepts and made them our aromantic 101. I don't think the allos really get how being aromantic can fundamentally change your worldview. And to be honest, I think they're missing out because I think everyone would benefit from at least being familiar with those concepts.

Being aromantic is basically like this:

Aromantic shrimp colours are real.

Anyways, aromantic community, y'all mean a lot to me and I'm so happy I found y'all and now share your "secret" knowledge!

[twigstarpikachutroll22]

Reblog for something aspec to happen to you this summer

[romancerepulsed]

aspec terms for beginners!

since it's trending right now, i feel like it might be helpful to clear up some basic aspec (but particularly aromantic, as we are the center of attention currently) terms. if you have absolutely any questions, i would be happy to answer, either in the replies, dms, or my inbox!

★・・・・・・★

the split attraction model (SAM): a model of human behavior that posits that, for some people, romantic and sexual attraction are not the same.

[most often this will come in the form of someone being aspec on one axis and allo (not aspec) on another. for example, a biromantic asexual may be romantically attracted to two or more genders, but sexually attracted to none. some people may even use SAM for allo identities– a bisexual lesbian may be sexually attracted to multiple genders, but only romantically attracted to women (note that this is not the only way that someone can be an mspec lesbian, just one way!). the SAM does not apply to everybody, not even all aspecs! there are non-SAM aros, for instance, who do not differentiate their aromanticism from their sexuality.]

aspec: a collection of queer spectrums centered around the lack of a certain attraction or identity. the most common spectrums under the aspec umbrella are asexual, aromantic, agender, and aplatonic, though there are many other ways to be aspec.

asexual: experiencing little to no sexual attraction.

[aces can still have sex– whether its because they experience some amount of sexual attraction or they just want to participate in sex because they find the act appealing in some other way. that being said, there are still plenty of aces who have not and will never have sex. it is a spectrum.]

aromantic: experiencing little to no romantic attraction.

[aros can still have romantic partners– whether its because they experience some amount of romantic attraction or they just find relationships appealing in some other way. that being said, there are still plenty of aros who have not and will never be in a romantic relationship. it is a spectrum.]

agender: having no gender or little relation to any gender.

aplatonic: experiencing little to no platonic attraction.

[similarly to aros and aces, apls can still form friendships if they so desire– whether its because they experience some amount of platonic attraction or they find friendships appealing in some other way.]

aroallo: combination of aromantic and allosexual– allosexual being someone who fully experiences sexual attraction. an aroallo, then, is someone who is aromantic but not asexual. aroallos often do not have a standard relationship with sex due to its romantic connotations and the stigma against loveless sex. someone having sex with someone else they do not love does not inherently make them aroallo, much in the same way that having a nonsexual relationship with a partner doesn't inherently make either participant asexual.

aroace: someone who is both aromantic and asexual. because aro and ace are both spectrums, an aroace may still experience some amount of attraction on either or both of those spectrums, or they may experience attraction of some other kind (platonic, tertiary, etc.), and that attraction may be only for a certain gender or genders– these are known as oriented aroaces.

queerplatonic relationship: a type of relationship that is defined only by the people within it. i have a post dedicated to explaining this in larger detail.

partnering: an aspec (usually aromantic) person who has and/or desires to have a partnership or multiple partnerships– romantic, queerplatonic, or otherwise.

non-partnering: an aspec (usually aromantic) person who has no desire to form a partnership of any kind.

romance/sex/plato favorable: an aspec who desires or would not reject a romantic, sexual, or platonic relationship. they are also generally not particularly bothered by seeing these relationships in their day-to-day.

romance/sex/plato repulsed: an aspec who does not desire a romantic, sexual, or platonic relationship and generally does not like seeing those relationships in their day-to-day. [x] repulsed people are not necessarily judgemental towards people who desire or participate in those relationships, they just do not desire them for themselves. repulsion often takes the form of discomfort or annoyance. [x] repulsed people are not necessarily cruel sticks-in-the-mud– they are perfectly capable of being respectful, and they very often are. repulsion does not always stem from trauma, though it certainly can.

romance/sex/plato positive: not to be confused with favorability, [x] positivity is the belief that romance, sex, and platonic relationships are human rights that should be supported and uplifted. someone can be [x] repulsed and [x] positive at the same time, because favorability/repulsion revolves around the self, and positivity/negativity extends to others.

sex/romance/plato negative: not to be confused with repulsion, [x] negativity is an inherently judgemental and harmful ideology. most commonly in the form of sex negativity, these ideologies are centered around the opposition to or personal judgement of people who engage in romance, sex, or platonic relationships. sex negativity in particular is embedded in western white supremacist societies and it is important for aspecs not to play into that.

those are the basics, but i have more information below the cut!

★・・・・・・★

> how are aspecs queer?

aspecs are queer because "queer" does not only mean LGBT. queer theory is about far more than just LGBT people– though they are undeniably a large part of it– queerness is any subversion of the traditional cisheteronormative standard. this includes things that cishets may take part in/identify with, because you do not have to be LGBT to subvert those standards. cishets who are gender-nonconforming are queer, for example. a good rule of thumb is that if you have to explain what you whole deal is to cishets, you're queer. queer does mean strange, after all.

traditional cisheteronormative conceptions of attraction, gender, and relationships do not account for aspecs. it is expected that everyone will one day form a traditional partnership with one other person, and that relationship will include sex (even if only for procreation, under some dogmas). virginity past a certain age is seen as a point of shame and something indicative of a larger problem in someone– in men, a red flag even. people past 30 without a relationship are pitied. our economic structure is build for couples and families– it's near impossible for someone to live comfortably alone. romance, friendship, and love are placed on a pedestal, treated as the meaning of life, the best thing anyone could ever experience. "love is the point of everything," as many posts on this site like to claim. people who reject these ideas are undeniably queer.

> i can get behind aros and aces, but the whole "aplatonic" thing feels like a stretch to me. how is not having friends queer? "platonic attraction" isn't even real.

aplatonicism is more than just "not having friends," and many apls have friends anyway, much in the same way that aros can date and aces can have sex. someone who does not have friends is not inherently aplatonic, they only are if they identify that little-to-no platonic attraction in themselves and choose to label themselves that way (just like how virgins aren't inherently asexual). still, apls who don't have friends exist, and they are all queer. what is a greater subversion of traditional cisheteronormative relationship structures than an outright rejection of what's seen as the most basic, fundamental relationship our culture has to offer?

you may not feel that platonic attraction is a distinct phenomenon in your own experience, and that's fine! ultimately, a lot of aspec terms exist for the utility and comfort of aspecs themselves. the SAM isn't for everyone, and platonic attraction isn't for everyone either. you do not have the authority to tell people what their own experiences are, nor should you care.

> i think it's sad that you're limiting yourself with these labels. you'll find someone one day!

for the broad majority of aspecs, our identities are not self-disciplinary, nor are they necessarily permanent. all queer people are capable of misunderstanding their identity or having a fluid identity– it is not a problem unique to being aspec. that being said, a lot of us may always be aspec and completely happy with it. being aspec is not a tragedy. the only thing i don't like about being aromantic is the judgement i receive from other people about it. non-partnering aspecs are not "missing out" on anything, because we don't even want the things we're rejecting in the first place. many of us are romance/sex/plato repulsed and are far more happy engaging with the world and with other people in different ways, because there is so, so much more to life than relationships, and it's wrong to presume that relationships are universally fit for everybody. telling an aspec that they'll find "the right person" one day is no different from telling a lesbian she'll find "the right man" one day. there is no "right person" for an aspec just as there's no "right man" for a lesbian. a lesbian is not "missing out" on a heterosexual relationship just because it's culturally perceived as superior and more fulfilling.

[disclaimer before anyone tries to do a "gotcha," i'm talking about a lesbian who is fully not attracted to men in any way. it's not like homophobes know the intricacies of gender identity and nonconformity as it pertains to homosexuality anyways.]

lastly, i wanna give a special shout out to the loveless aros and the relationship anarchists.

loveless aros are those who either feel little-to-no love as they understand it, or they are someone who supports the de-centering of love. they're worthy of a whole post of their own, but in summary: the loveless experience is all about finding joy in yourself and the countless things our world has to offer that are not dependent on the vague idea of love.

relationship anarchy is another concept worthy of its own post, but in essence it's an ideology aimed at abolishing the standard hierarchy of relationships (in the USA, depending on who you ask, its typically friendship < family < romantic partnership or friendship < romantic partnership < family) and allowing everyone the autonomy to define their relationships for themselves.

if i made any mistakes, let me know! and of course i'm willing to answer any questions anyone may have. :-3 thanks for reading my long ass post!

[aroace-menace]

There are lots of terms in aspec spaces like queerplatonic, alterous, or tertiary that essentially just mean “not platonic or romantic,” but platonic essentially just means “not romantic,” and romantic doesn’t have any accurate definition as far as I’m aware. That’s not to say that any of these terms aren’t valuable, I just think everything is fake.

[klavierpanda]

Categorising different actions/desires into different types of attraction can be helpful to process and vocalise your feelings but treating this system as a general rule that fits every single person is no more helpful than when alloallos do it. The same action can have different connotations and meanings for any given context and it is not your job to decide that unless you're one of the people involved

[ale-arro]

[alterouslyinlove]

feeling ever so queerplatonic today. i want to confuse people so bad.

[companionwolf]

is there a difference between queerplatonic and alterous or is it just schemantics / 'the words are similar and you can pick the one you like most'

^ genuine q, am confusion, thank you!

[aro-and-trans-thoughts]

I love how our relationships with other people affects us so much. (In a good way)

In my case, my friendships are something so so SO important to me. It's magical to me how I end up changing my own way of behaving (for the better, of course) just because I'm friends with some people.

For example, there's this friend that I have that is SO passionate about everything they do. They put a lot of effort into so many things, and It has always been difficult for me to do this, 'cus I'm the kind of person that gives up easily.

When I had to practice for a P.E exam (Had to run a certain amount of time without stopping) I thought about her and I got so motivated, it surprised me a LOT.

There's this other friend that can talk about their feelings SOO EASILY (clearly something that I couldn't do). I started talking to them more often. Now? I suddenly got WAY better at expressing how I feel. Something that was so difficult to improve for me.

I admire my friends a lot

[ask-asexual-crystal-gems]

I'll bite, how do you find poly people to just tag along with? And why wouldn't constantly being around people in a relationship, while not *really* being a part of it yourself, not make the whole feeling worse?

The same way you find Comic Cons, generalized interest groups, meetups, clubs, or any other queer groups. The internet.

For context: this person seems to have read my suggestion for aro people to link up with poly people because they don’t do the toxic monogamy scarcity-mindset of love thing, which results in neglecting or jettisoning friendships.

Anon, if you are put off by the idea of gaining more social bonds in this way, consider:

(1) you may not actually be wholly aromantic, but be a cupioromatic (you actively want to be in a romantic relationship, you just don’t have the same feelings about it or drive for it as an allo)

OR

(2) you may have some internalized arophobia to work out (bonds you form with people as an aromantic are conceptualized as ‘inferior’ when relationship anarchy says they’re not. This is an absorbed idea from society that makes you feel bad by affecting how you view things)

(3) you’re carrying baggage from friends dumping you for romo bonds. (this is subconsciously reminding you of those shitty experiences)

If it’s (1), the solution is to simply have a romantic (but not sexual, if you don’t want that, if not ‘favorable ace’) relationship with the polycule (or a given person within the polycule)

If it’s (2) or (3) that’s gonna take some self-reflection and some sorting through feelings to release them.

It is VERY common for aces and aros to offer open relationships to partners they obtain, so they can get those sexual or romantic desires met elsewhere.

In this, you get your need met- have a partner, maybe even a primary partner, and they get theirs met.

This doesn’t always happen in the context of both people being already-familiar with poly, but it IS one of the reasons poly is perfectly positioned to shore up ace/aro loneliness.

@miloway

[strivia]

Y'know a trope that's under appreciated? Fake dating that stays fake. Like the two have a great platonic relationship and absolutely love each other, just not that way.

And that's fine, they know where they stand and are supporting each other and having fun with it y'know? Idk, I think it's the aro side of me coming out.

[abismodaalma]

[twigstarpikachutroll22]

The thing about how when I tell people offline that I'm aroace they usually go "Oh, I didn't know that was a thing!" is like. It’s a good response, it’s good that the response I get generally isn’t outright aphobic, but it reminds me just how much they don't know. Like. The sheer range of the aro and ace spectrums and the experiences relating to attraction that I see people in those communities talk about, the amount of breaking down of attraction and relationships, the amount of discussion about ALLLLLLLLL the hecking nuance both of those can have, and like. So many people literally Do Not Know that even the words "aromantic" and "asexual" exist. And just "doesn't feel attraction" is the easiest and most basic thing here to understand. It’s the tip of the iceberg. It’s the tip of a really really freaking huge iceberg. And plenty of allos have a hard time wrapping their heads around even that, let alone all the many more identities and many many more kinds of experiences on these spectrums. So many people literally do not know that not feeling attraction the way they do is a thing. So many people, like, the VAST majority of the population, are entirely confined to this incredibly freaking limited ONE standard concept of how attraction and relationships can work that seems mandated for everycreature. So many people don't even know that anything outside of that exists. And SO MUCH outside of that can exist. It's some straight-up allegory of the cave junk.

[sandrune-art]

I love people in atypical relationships. I love friendships, I love platonic and queerplatonic relationships, I love asexual relationships, I love sexual and not romantic relationships. I love loveless aros and people who don't want or need a relationship at all and people who love being alone. I love people in polyamorous relationships, I love people in monogamous relationships, I love people in relationships that can't be described in conventional labels. I love relationship anarchy, I love amatopunk and lovequeer people and I love everyone who questions amatonormativity and I wish they are happy in healthy relationships with all the people important in their life, no matter what type of relationship those are.

[acesamateurart]

I filmed this video over a year ago and finally got around to editing it! The long awaited second part to my Tertiary Attraction Types video!!

[graysongraysoff]

We talk a lot about the puriteens reinventing sexism and stuff but sometimes I feel like we're getting close to an extremely selfish and hedonistic anarchy on the terminally online zillennial end of the spectrum I'll be honest