#idk who sent this but wow ummmmmmmmmm

[syxjaewon]

You are a great captain. Never doubt that...

the words are gifted to him quietly, asthough they are tiny weed-flowers that grow along the edge of a building,unseen, unnoticed, small, inconsequential. delicate and unassuming, thesyllables are quaint and soft, two simple sentences that sound almost likethrowaways, like trash, like him, not meant for anything grand or imposing, notmeant to resonate, no amount of force or threat of thunderstorm intended, nowarning of potential heartache, toxins, poison.

they’re given like features, light and breezy,as though they don’t carry with them the intense amount of lightning thatstrikes at jaewon, the bolt splitting into his chest, breaking him open, begginghim to bleed, to show his humanity somewhere among the beastly tragedy of him. they’regiven like falling petals, nothing hinting at the rage of hurricane emotionsthat stirs around the ship, around its captain, ripping winds dragging at hisclothes, his hair, his soul, all the seams of his skin shuddering and ready tocome undone, the edges of him too sharp even for themselves, slicing him topieces every time he breathes, the phrases echoing through his ears.

he swallows but there’s nothing to really say,despite the multitude of snark remarks about how flippant his crew likes toact, irritating and bothersome one day, grateful the next; how there’s only onelike this, instead of the many, many thanks he should receive from his crew;how if they really thought that, maybe they should act like they know it moreoften.

but the truth is much harder than that, and anylie he voices would only sound hollow and obvious, empty. the reality is, he’snot really sure, but he tries. he tries to be a lighthouse in the void, triesto keep his boat in the air, tries to map out a straight line through the chaos,through burning supernovas and meteor showers. somewhere in the back of hismind, he feels a gnawing worry that everything about him is fake, that he’ssomehow managed to trick or convince all these people to work for a desert,orphaned rat, illiterate, incapable, destructive; that somehow they’ll figurethis out and disappear from him. he doesn’t know what makes up a great captain,except of what he could see from vera, but he knows what he is and what hewants and what he needs to do.

he is a force, he wants freedom, he needs thesepeople, this wild, crazy crew, to help him. to follow him. to believe in him.not like him, not love him, not enjoy his company; just… trust him.

there’s nothing to hold onto in the midst ofthis calamity, these two sentences laid before him like an offering, so jaewonsimply curls his fists up, a white-knuckled grip on himself, feels his nailsbiting into his palms, reminding him to keep it together, to stay the burningman, to stay the mountain. he cannot give, it’s not his way. his teeth clenchtightly and he nods his thanks, slowly, deeply, somewhat of a bow. the wordsare too heavy for his tongue, lead weighing down on his gums, but his eyes aredeep, molten gold, almost a liquid, and he hopes his response is clear enough.

being a leader is not about being great, it’sabout accumulating great people around you, and knowing how to utilize and growtheir own strengths.

so thank you.