#idu nno im scareed im just gonna spiral again adn just isolate myself again bys ayign something i dont mean
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#hjnmds its been awhile and a little over a year or under and i miss mty discord friends but i feel like#even though everythings settled njunk that i just fucked up so royally that its nto my place to check in with anyone anymore?#and i dunno its jsut. really tiring and shityt and i dunno to see my abuser pulling the same shit that she did on me with other people#and still get a lot of recignition nshit with her work and shes an amazing artist and i dunno why im so fuckngin#i udnno!!1 i dunno i just miss everyone and even though we talked the whole shitshow out and moved on from it i jsut#feel like im not allowed to talk to anyone from there anymore and not in a 'someone said i shouldnt' its just#i feel like i shouldnt because its just gonna be stilted and awkward and i hate thtat every friendgroup im in always ends up jsut dissipatin#and i jsut end up alone again and i miss people i miss my frienends and i hope theyre doing okay???#i was so fuckgin horrible for blaming soap for what i was going through and lettingn loven just puppet me like that and for fallign for it a#nd just letting her manipulate me the way she did and letting her feed into my paranoida like that and jsjtu for doubting#anyone in the first place that things were bad when they werent and that it wasnt as deep as she was making it out ot be and fuckk#i mmiss my team i miss soap and michale and mina and mira and dani andn chole and mel and beth andd gwen#and eveyrone and im spacing on names but i remember people and i miss them and it hurts and i deserve to hurt because i ahvent fucking#earned the right ot have friends again yet or i havent grown enough and i deserve to be alone and get mhy shit kicked in like this#i miss ro and mick and prince andd cap and charllie and donut and the matsu servers nd even if there was sttuff in there that#i wasnnt comfortable with and still arent i miss everyrone i miss people and my friends and i jfjsust feel so alone and im so itred of being#adnd feeling alone. i mmiss lai and lambie and fes and moon andn juicy and being part of a group of friends even if it was#really nervewrakcing at times adn other shit and i dunno!!!! i dundno im so scared to check discord beccause i#idu nno im scareed im just gonna spiral again adn just isolate myself again bys ayign something i dont mean#cuz it stlipped out or jsut. something i dunno i jstu#i miss everyone and its not my place anymore to echeck in with them abdn i deservet o hurt
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