#if I have to suffer by being called names like ‘hot kosher ass’ and wearing matching couple’s t-shirts

[victimized-martyr]

I want Cartman to give Kyle nicknames so inducingly sweet (and cringy) that it gives everyone diabetes.

I HC he calls him sweet potato mostly to make fun of his red hair AND how red his face gets out of embarrassment and annoyance whenever he calls him that.

YES I shared a hc ask similar to that!

Cartman would absolutely LOVE giving Kyle the cringiest nicknames. Because Cartman is sickeningly lovey dovey like that (he truly takes after liane in that regard) and also, making Kyle squirm is basically his life’s calling.

And I love how this concept doesn’t stray from their established dynamic in canon 😭♥️ the setup is more or less the same, it’s the intent that evolved.

like I can imagine Cartman naturally comin up with new nicknames every day like “Hey! there’s my love muffin~ my carrot cake~ my hot piece of apple pie~my sweet potato~” and Kenny’s laughing his ASS OFF, Stan’s lowkey tryna look away and not catch secondhand embarrassment, and Kyle feels like he’s gonna melt.

He KNOWS Cartman is doing this to get a rise out of him (and is succeeding), but he’s also just, overwhelmed by the intensity of his affection. He tells himself he shouldn’t be surprised. Cartman throws his entire being for the sake of a bit, and apparently that new bit is being the most Doting Fucking Boyfriend in Existence.

[yeahwesaidthat]

TWWS: Late, Late, Late

Yeah, yeah, I know exactly how long it’s been, thanks. Blame life. But hey, at least I’ve got tons of material, including the CAH game referenced in the last post. 

I still need votes for the Best of D&D Tiebreaker! Please vote here!

There were some neck-in-neck competitor’s for this month’s MVP, but the title goes to SW for a snappy one-liner that had us all in fits of hysterics. So congratulations, SW!

Overheard at Random

SW: "You know when lumberjacks have a sleepover it's called a lumber party, right?"

About a downright evil video: KH: "Please send that to me so I can traumatise my friends."

Overheard at Work

Recovery on a Saturday: LH: (frustrated scream in the distance) CT: (calls back) "Same!"

About how KH holds her pen: Customer: (watches KH write): "They must've hated you at school." KH: "Yes they did!"

KH: "Remind me to tell you the joke about being in your mid-twenties." CT: "Isn't that the joke?"

About an unknown screechy noise: KH: "What is that lovely sound?" CT: "The suffering of a thousand souls."

Overheard on Skype:

About changes to the Doctor Who finale: KH: (about Missy/Master action): "Technically it would count as masturbation." AP: "MASTER-bation?" KH: "...FUCK, I DIDN'T EVEN MEAN TO DO THAT."

Synonyms for massage therapist: AP: "Masseuse? Massage-ist? Massage-inist? Hehe."

Overheard During Cards Against Humanity

Card: Being circumcised with a deli slicer MR: "Well, it could still be a Kosher deli."

Card: 55-gallon drum of lube RD: "That was someone's throwaway, wasn't it?" SW: "I dunno, that describes plenty of congressmen."

An ounce of [society] is worth a pound of [three years of semen in a shoebox].

After months of practice with [it being too late to stop having sex with a horse], I think I'm finally ready for [the sweet forbidden meat of the monkey].

After months of practice with [when you fart and a little bit comes out], I think I'm finally ready for [a miscarriage].

And the Academy Award for [rock-hard tits and a huge vagina] goes to [an asymmetric boob job].

And the Academy Award for [Meatloaf, the food] goes to [Meatloaf, the man].

In his farewell address, George Washington famously warned Americans about the dangers of [an empowered woman].

About the gay sorcerer card: MR: "He casts flaming sphere."

In the distant future, historians will agree that [a bunch of snot-nosed, know-it-all twentysomethings] marked the beginning of America's decline.

TSA guidelines now prohibit [three consecutive seconds of happiness] on airplanes. MR: "Thank you for flying United."

MGW: "Let's see what you chucklefucks are into..."

The Moment KH grossed-out the most hardened of men: Mmmmm, [the hot dog I put up my vagina ten days ago]...and it's still warm!

About all the ass-related cards: KH: "What is with all the anal?!" MR: "I dunno, it's like the Perfect Butt Storm."

What we've learned about each other: SW: "May it never leave this room." KH: "Oh no, some of it's going on the blog."

Overheard During D&D

About an enemy, in relation to the last post's/session's dick-stabbery: MGW: "We're like, 'There is no dick to punch! What do we do?!'"

About a killing blow, also in relation to the last post's/session's dick-stabbery: KH: "Can we say I stabbed him in the dick and he bled out?" RD: "You are one twisted fuck."

Hidden enemies: MGW: "Is that bush talking shit?" KH: "No, that's the other end."

Hidden enemies talking: MGW: "What a negative bush."

Good vs. bad locations: RD: "Remind me, where is everybody?" JB: "I'm in a bush. Digging around for holes. It's a thick bush."

Leveling up outside the fourth wall: SW (IC): "I feel strange now, guys - like I can wear medium armor."

Phrasing: JB: "You do things when I touch you. I'm talking to my tablet; I'm not talking to my penis."

About the annoying bard and his location: JB (IC): "I told you; he's singing among the stars." KH (IC): "Oh, is he dead?" RD (IC): "We should be so lucky."

Orc rites of passage: JB: "[The chief's] newly manhood-ed son." MR and SW: "Happy Orc Mitzvah."

Sword Bard = Sard, Bard Party = Bardy...: MR: "Come on Sardy, let's go Bardy!" JB: "Uh-uh-oooooh yeah!"

Applying for the Ministry of Silly Walks: MR: "I'm Tom-foolering myself forward."

Goliath logic: MGW (IC): "So, you see, [SW's character], when a man and a woman love each other..." SW (IC): "Oh, tectonic motion?"

Phrasing (again): MR (IC): "...And keep fucking it until it's dead. ...Fucking it with swords." SW (IC): "You've spent too much time in Waterdeep."

About character-related plot hooks for a triton: KH: "No hook." JB: "You're not gonna hook the fish?" MR: "You're not gonna bait him?" KH: "I fucking walked into that one." MR: "We got you right in the net - hook, line, and sinker."

About sentient skeletons: MR: "Just because you're undead doesn't mean you can't be fundead."

When a character trained with Stormtroopers: RD: "You couldn't hit the broadside of a barn from the inside."

Discussing stories: SC: "So I made up this sci-fi machination that doesn't exist..." KH: "So basically a Deus Ex Machination?" SC: "...Yes, that."

Player 1: "What's the name of the monster?" MGW: "Steve."

About (in)convenient infections: Player 2: "Is it a plot disease?"

About KC's monk/druid/bear form: MGW: "So you're Kung Fu Panda?"

About questionable ideas/druidic beast form limitations: Player 2: "Is biting a skull spider really a good idea?" MGW: "We're about to find out, aren't we?"

Trying to talk with a belligerent character: Player 2 (IC): "What does the sign say?" KH (IC): "Sign says 'words of the prophets written on subway walls.'" J (OOC): "Well, she's not exactly wrong..."

The same player keeps trying to listen in on KH's whispers: Player 2: "What language do you say this in?" KH: "Subliminal message."

About birthday wishes coming true for everyone's favourite murder child: SW: "Who knew Gruumsh was a member of the Make a Wish Foundation?" MR: "You're suggesting [child]'s terminal!" SW: "Have you seen the company her mother keeps?"

About murder child's mother (KH's character): MR: "She's one of the four soccer moms of the apocalypse."

About the Zone of Truth spell at a birthday party: MR: "Because it's a kids' party, it's the Discovery Zone."

About a previous adventure: MR: "That was a good time." SW: "That was a very good time. Fuck you, by the way."

About the rogue with loaded dice/"dice guy": JB: "This might get a little dicey." KH: (cringe) JB: "I'm on a roll." KH: (cringes, grabs notebook) JB: "You're not on my side? All six of them?" KH: "STOP IT!"