#if i was so much better then maybe i wldn't be in so much pain | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

noxtivagus · 2 years

Text

hdkgjsjfjs (sorry for the vents lately, i'll delete them later but things have just been piling one after another n it's been overwhelming so i'll just dump in tags bcs tumblr dump woooo 🫶🏼)

#hate how i've been crying for most of the day #this is. this is my fault i know #if i was so much better then maybe i wldn't be in so much pain #if i wasn't so afraid then maybe i cld bring up w those two. in a mature manner how they've been hurting me but #i've lost people before. my fault it's all my fault #do you know how painful it is. to fail to help another #i can't even help myself atp but i could just help another #it hurts so much more when you /were/ the villain in a way #that was years ago n i've grown a lot but i guess the scars stay #i still can't completely believe that i'm deserving of kindness. of being listened to #it doesn't feel real n bcs of past experiences it feels like in the end it'll just. end #lonely world. it feels so lonely rn n i hate that so fucking much #no one at a time. my mind's a mess rn so i'm not being very rational #maybe that's it. maybe i'm lonely #it hurts but i feel selfish when #i look at my friends n i can't escape the thought of #feeling like it'll all be so much better without me #i'm not sure if. those two. my childhood friends i'd call them #i'm not sure if they care for who i actually am #i'm gotten so selfish. last year i was just satisfied w my ffxiv friends #but back then. you. he. even if it was for a short while making a new friend then saved me from the worst of my thoughts #n i'm so sorry too to my parents rn. i wonder if they feel bad that our original plans for the break cldn't go through #i don't blame them for it. i'm not sad about that anymore. i know all they do is bcs they care. n i'm really grateful for that #it just hurts thinking of how i hurt the people around me. n overthinking doesnt fucking help bcs i just feel like a burden #so i'm just crying in the bathroom! as if it wld fucking change anything. i need to be better #but it just hurts so much. it hurts so much. everything hurts. it's so overwhelming. please just let it end #i could pretend i'm fine n go as normal. be 'perfect'#but then i'd hurt myself. i should stop doing that. i'm destroying myself i know i know #the area around my eyes r so dry.... the skin has been peeling off these past few weeks for some reason????#but i don't want to lose myself. fuck everything just hurts n i don't know what to do. i'm sorry. i'm so fucking sorry

3 notes · View notes