#if im dead i cant weigh her down i cant ruin her life!!!! if im dead she'll be free of me. im nothing but a parasite she deserves to be free

[motherofkittens94]

my @gotsecretsanta  gift for @owlsinathens 

I was your Santa Happy christmas! 

/

“What are  you doing out here, Jon snow?” Theon Greyjoy emerged from within the trees. Jon huffed in frustration. He had hope not to be seen leaving the banquet. At least it was only Theon.  

“Escaping. I cant stand the Lannisters a moment longer.”

“At least you were invited” Theon said his grin not matching his eyes “ I suppose mine got lost”

“ You didn’t want to come anyway.”

“ Not really no ,I would’ve been nice to asked though . To be acknowledged “

Jon didn’t want to get into that too  much with Greyjoy so he changed the subject . “I thought you were out – with your lady friend

“Slight mix up apparently _ turns out we had more in common than I thought...”

“How do you mean?” Jon frowned confused.

“I mean -parents – It was my sister “

“ No!” Jon cant help but smile 

“Yes! Im going to washing my hands for weeks”

Jon chuckled. “That would only happen to you.” 

“In my defence, I haven’t seen her in ten years. I forgot what she looked like.” 

“That does make it better Theon,“ Jon said, grinning. “What’s she like, then? Your sister?” he asked.

“Asha - and trust me, Jon snow, she is not your type.” 

“You don’t know my type, Greyjoy.”

“I can guess. The broody type. Don’t talk too much. Proper high-born lady, waiting for marriage and all that.”

“You’re wrong,” Jon stated.

“I am now?” Theon pressed.

“She wasn’t like that,“

“She! Who’s she?” Theon smiled wickedly. 

“This girl I knew, Ygritte.”

“Why haven’t I met this Ygritte?”

 “She was a wildling.” 

“Oh ho,“ Theon chuckled, “you dark horse.“

“You would’ve liked her, I reckon,” Jon admitted to him. 

Theon raised an eyebrow. “Oh yeah? Good was she?“

“She was feisty. She had your sense of humour. She was good with a bow too.”

“How about that?“ Theon smirked. “Did you think of me when you kissed her?” Theon teased.

 “No! I – I –” Jon stammered, “it’s -”

“So, what happened? With this Ygritte with the fire hair? Are you still together?” 

“I don’t think so.” 

“Because -” Theon pressed him when he didn’t elaborate.

“She shot me,“ Jon moaned. 

“Tragic,” Theon said.

“You can talk.“

“Well, I’ve never got shot.” Theon shrugged. “Live and learn, hey, Jonnie? I’m going for more drinks – coming?”

“Nah.”

“Suit yourself.“ Theon turned to go. 

“Theon –“ Jon started,  He turned back “I – “ I want to kiss you. Jon nearly said. He bit it back at the last second.

“Never mind. “

/

He found Jon’s hunched form in the corner. Theon approached him carefully. The old Theon wouldn’t know how to be careful, wouldn’t know what Jon would need at this moment, Probably wouldnt care. It would’ve been amusing to his old self, he mused. It was not so funny now.  “Jon?“ he said softly. Jon looked up briefly and then turned away.

“Can I come in?” Theon hadn’t shaken the habit of asking permission for everything.

“How did you find me here?” Jon questioned.

“Oh, this is where you would come when you wanted to cry, remember?”

“Who told you that?” Jon demanded and then huffed. “Robb!“

“Robb shared everything with me in the good old days,” Theon said tauntingly and then went serious. “Do you want me to go? Only the girls are looking for you…”

Since Jon didn’t reply, he came closer. “It’s strange, isn’t it? Being here again? It’s haunting.” Jon nodded.

“It weighs on you, doesn’t it?“ Theon went on softly. “The things you wish you hadn’t done?“ Jon gave another curt nod. “It does with me as well,” Theon admitted.  

“Does it stop?” Jon asked. “Does it ever go away?”

“No, I don’t believe it does,“ Theon answered truthfully. Sensing that wasn’t the comfort Jon wanted to hear, he said: “You can only keep on going.”

“What if I don’t want to keep on going?”

“You can’t give up,“ Theon said determined. “You give up and they win. Don’t let them win.”  

“What’s the use?“ Jon sounded despairing. “This isn’t the person I wanted to be.”

Theon sat down next to him and sighed. He gestured to himself. “Do you think this who I wanted to be? “

“Theon “ Jon eyed him cautiously.  “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Wouldn’t I?“ Theon challenged.

Jon gestured helplessly. “I don’t know who I am anymore.”

“Don’t you think I of all people would understand that? I know just how it feels to lose yourself.”  

“How can you stand it?“ Jon demanded of him. “Tell me how you bear it?”

“I bear it because what else is there to do? I’ve dealt with scorn all my life, Jon Snow.”

“As have I,“ Jon quipped. “You don’t know what it was like for me.”

“Don’t I?” Theon growled. 

 “You are not a bastard.”

“And you were not a hostage. You were loved, you had your family – what did I have?”

“Us.“

“Marvellous,“ Theon said scornfully. “They were waiting half my life to cut my head off. that’s no way to live, Jon. “

“Us.“ Jon’s dark eyes melt with emotion. “You and me – we had - Robb –“

Theon nodded, understanding what he meant.  “Robb. We had Robb.  I wanted to die by his side.“ It didn’t feel too much to admit this. Not to Jon. 

“As did I.” Jon looked miserable. “He would be ashamed of me.”

“Not of you,” Theon told him.

“Yes, of me. I’m tainted. I’ll never be whole again, never be clean. People look at me and they  know – they just know – I wish – I wish “

“You wish..,?“ Theon prompted.

“I wish they had never brought me back,“ he said his voice low and dangerous.

“You don’t mean that“

“I do!“ he said furiously. “I didn’t know there were worse things than dying.” Jon shook his head. It’s no use. It’s ruined. Ruined,“ was what Jon kept saying, “it’s all ruined.”

“What’s ruined, Jon?”

“I am. I’m ruined.“

“Don’t say that,“ Theon whispered.

“I wish I was with her, “ Jon said gloomily. “I can’t come back from this –“

“You came back from the dead,” Theon reminded him. “Not many do that.“

“Everything I hoped for – Everything I tried to be – it’s all ruined now. I am a ruined man.”  

“You’re not ruined. Theon put his own hand against Jon’s and lined up the scars on his own hands. Look, we match.” Jon’s hand tightened into a fist around Theon’s, squeezing  crushingly tight. Theon reached to hold Jon’s other arm and pulled him into his lap. “It’s okay. It’s okay,“ he assured him as Jon sobbed into his chest. “It’s going to be okay. We are going to be okay. We’re back now. we’re back. “

When Jon stopped crying, he murmured: “Remember that day? The day I told you about Ygritte?”

“The day of the feast? I remember.“ Theon whispered to him. “I remember it all.”

“Theon, she died. Before I did.“  He would’ve joked about that not being ideal but on seeing Jon’s the words died on Theon’s tongue and he could only nod in acknowledgement. “I thought I would see her- when- “ 

“Did you?“ Theon dared to ask.

Jon shook his head. “You asked me that day if I thought about kissing you.” 

Theon smirked and then sighed. “I was winding you up. It’s very easy to do.” 

“I did think of it.  I wanted to kiss you that day, you know.”

The smile returned to Theon’s face like it used to. Only this time it exposed a mouth of broken and missing teeth, and it almost hurt Jon to look at. “I wanted that too.”