#if im feeling good (and if i have the time) ill probably drop an aggie link today and just chill there

[daughterthethird]

PONDERING RN… does any of my artist mutuals/friends wanna maybeeeee… yknoooowwwww… draw with me on aggie.io… someday… or possibly even today… 👉👈

[magical-agatha]

Hey idk whats going on in your life right now but its not gonna suck forever. If you need to talk with anyone privately, just send me a message

I've said almost the exact same thing before. It's going to get better. Or, nothing lasts forever. Everything is temporary. Just hold on you'll be okay one day. Eventually things will get better.But it's not getting any better. If anything it's getting worse.Thank you for caring. Truly i really appreciate it. But i don't believe you when you say it's going to get better.I've been trying so hard for so long to have faith and to hope that things will be okay one day. But all of my experiences contradict that. Everything I've learnt and lived has been evidence against the idea that things will get better.I've been a freak for 22 years. I've always been shunned. I'm a freak! As a child i wasn't medicated or properly treated for my mental illnesses. The other children avoided me. I had to sit at a separate desk several metres away from the normal children because i was too disruptive. I had violent panic attacks. I was told to leave in grade 4 because the teachers couldn't handle me. And then i was bullied violently at my next school. They called me a faggot. Around this time i was first exposed to the idea of being transgender. In a news article which portrayed a trans person as some kind of freakish anomaly. I began thinking about what if i'm transgender, but it seemed dangerous and was labelled as wrong. In grade six my 'friends' entertained themselves by manipulating me and hurting me. I didn't understand. In grade 7 and 8 i made friends with the social rejects. Because no one else would take me. But i was tall and gentle and didn't like games about guns. And the rejects soon shunned me too. More constant bullying. Some of it violent but most of it verbal or emotional. People hurt me to entertain themselves. Grade 10 i learnt how to appear almost normal. This is when my gender dysphoria began to seriously affect me. I told my mother, she got angry. I was allowed by a group of classmates to spend lunch break with them. I'm still unclear if they really liked me or just pitied me. A psychiatrist I've known and trusted for over a decade tells me I'm not transgender and it's just a phase. I realise my mother isn't on my side and doesn't understand me. 11 and 12 i became a circus animal. Performing. My friends only kept me around because i was entertaining and i said things that were weird and consequently i was good for a laugh. More bullying. I wasn't considered and i was never really included. Tafe. My mental illnesses begin to get significantly worse. Depression and anxiety ruled my life. And a mother who is forcing me to live how she wants me to. I desperately want to transition but am told i can't make that decision and that I'm not actually transgender. I'm miserable and i hate the course im in but my opinions are irrelevant. I have friends, almost. But only by denying myself and pretending to be someone else. Companionship and acceptance requires that i kill off and hide parts of myself. I drop out. 2 years of isolation and part time jobs working for people who treat me like garbage and abuse me. I hide in video games as much as possible. I repress my gender issues but eventually it becomes too much and i create aggy. My online persona. The person i actually want to be, my ideal self. She's cute and happy and gay. More tafe. I start to confront my gender issues by myself. Then i dropout again. And fall to depression. Over the last twelve months I've been repeating a cycle of hope and despair. I start believing i can get better. Then i get worse. Then i force myself to hope again. I get worse. A month ago i got incredibly close to killing myself, i was goin to walk into traffic on the highway near my house at midnight. I was so scared. I forced myself to hope and pretend it would be okay. I started to believe it. I started getting better. I started talking to people online. I realise I'm a lesbian. And then without any reason it fell apart again. I fell into depression again. Nothing is working. I can't keep doing this. I need something to change. I don't know what to do or how to do it. But i have a strong feeling that I'm getting closer and closer to giving up in the worst way. Every time i cross a street i think about doing it.I recently realised that my mother doesn't have the capacity to emphasize with me. The one thing i need from her is reassurance and belief. But she can't do it. I've tried explaining it to her but she can't be what i need. I'm alone again. I reached out and made friends online. It helped but, I'm still isolated. I have one friend irl. She's lovely, but she doesn't see the real me. She doesn't actually know me.Something very painful about being transgender is that unless you are transgender you can't fathom what it's like. I've tried to explain it to people but it doesn't work. It's a very difficult thing and being unable to relate the feeling of gender dysphoria and being transgender is incredibly isolating. I was fortunate enough to make several trans friends online. One in particular i was able to connect to quite closely. She doesn't know it but she probably saved my life. We spoke for hours and hours. Every day for a week. She's incredible but. I'm scared I'll ruin it. She made me feel valid. For a few days i felt truly happy. Like i was a real person.Another painful thing is that transgender people are seen as freaks and jokes. We are excluded even from lgbt.I am a broken person. I have chronic debilitating depression, severe anxiety, bipolar disorder, ocd, adhd, and I'm transgender. A life of emotional abuse has left me with no self confidence or self esteem and that plus common perceptions and representations of mental illness and transgender people has left me broken. I don't think i have any worth. I see myself as disgusting and pathetic. On a core level i believe i deserve to be miserable and it's killing me. I'm my own worst enemy. I'm very self perceptive and i know more about my problems than anyone else. I can't help but look at myself and feel broken. Because I'm stuck.If i force myself to speak logically i know I'm a good person and that i don't deserve to be in pain. But i don't believe that. I'm incapable of believing that. I try so hard to be a good person and i want to help other people as much as i can. I'm compassionate to a fault. But i hate myself. I don’t believe i deserve to be happy. My self hatred is ingrained so deep i don't think it can be fixed. And i guess because i hate myelf i feel like i don't deserve t get better.There's other stuff I've omitted. I know this all sounds very dramatic but it's true. I'm not saying it to get you to pity me or anything like that. I'm trying to get across a point.The point I'm making is that based on my life and what I've been through, how can you expect me to believe things will get better? I want you to prove me wrong please. Please. I'm running out of hope. I'm so close to giving up. Please I'm so scared and i don't know what to do.