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#if it was for me I'd just grind myself down til there's nothing left just to get it but i can hear my own body screaming exactly because of
caligulalotus · 2 years
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i am volatile. violated. my body was not always my own // the boston garden loves you: a playlist
a playlist about the boston garden, and how it loves its flowers
track list below the cut
that unwanted animal-the amazing devil
“oh, and you rip my ribcage open/and devour what's truly yours/and our screaming joins in unison/i cry out to the lord/'cause if we join our hands in prayer enough/to god, i imagine it all starts to sound like applause”
the spine song-cake bake betty
“and when i have died, will you use my spine/to swing from tree to tree in search of places pleasing to the eye?“
call me pretty-elliotly
“call me yours, i’ll call you mine/tracing flowers down my spine/make me a god/you’re fanged and clawed“
fight for me-aliceband
“i’ll make you cry for me and lie for me/and bleed for me and die for me/but most i'll make you right for me/i'm sure i'm right for you/i'll cover up your eyes and make you work/i'll rob you of your soul and make it worse“
all or nothing-the dream masons
“i’d sooner give it all away than only just give half of me/it’s all or nothing/either i’m worth it or i’m not.”
evelyn-kim tillman, silent films
“and i've seen decay/give way to growth/and make the most of nearly nothing“
i wanna be adored-remastered-the stone roses
“i don't need to sell my soul/he's already in me/i wanna be adored“
body terror song-ajj
“i'm very sorry that you have to have a body/one that will hurt you, and be the subject of so much of your fear/it will betray you, be used against you, then it'll fail on you my dear“
bloody nose-jack conte
“left you there for rot/all my fears are overgrown/will someone burn this grove?”
the horror of our love-ludo
“i want you stuffed into my mouth/hold you down and tear you open/live inside you/love, I'd never hurt you/but I'll grind against your bones until our marrows mix/i will eat you slowly”
strangler fig-the crane wives
“climb me, climb me to the canopy/higher, higher 'til there's nothing left of me/tell me/tell me what you see/desire, desire 'til there's nothing left of me, oh/you’re the culprit/so don't blame me/when I'm gone and you have naught/when you're hollowed out and empty”
envy green-the arcadian wild
“envy green, growin' ivy vines that hold me/up they go, past the collar bones and freckles on my nose/higher, higher 'til the words I tell myself are covered/envy green”
black rose-eliza rickman
“pray, baby, pray/over our sins/and oh, we'll grow our own/don’t let him know/don’t let it show/you reap what you sow/take this black rose”
back to the ground-the crane wives
“little buds make their graves as the warmth inside us fade/but I still don't know shit about letting go/so I know you're not the one/use me up and when you're done/just give me back, give me back to the ground”
big god-florence + the machine
“you need a big god/big enough to fill you up/shower your affection, let it rain on me/pull down the mountain, drag your cities to the sea/shower your affection, let it rain on me/don’t leave me on this white cliff/let it slide down to the, slide down to the sea”
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ii-zi · 3 years
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the only thing I want is to give up but i can't i can't for the life of me I can't I've never stopped cooperating I've never stopped giving it my all to make an effort and keep functioning enough to not let anything go but myself i absolutely cannot function without some semblance of normalcy and giving up is not anywhere near that normalcy god i just need some peace
#I've been holding on for so long I've considered every single option but every single one is worse than the other i can't give up I can't#im doing it all for myself I've given up so much of myself to on the long run secure a normal comfortable live that has been#nothing but a fantasy all my life#but it's so much and im so tired and i don't wanna have to do it all i dont wanna have to keep tearing myself apart im so tired#i can't remember the last time i met myself cry I've been holding it in for so long but i just couldn't anymore i can sense myself#nearing my limits I've already been running on empty for so so long god i just want peace i just want to rest i haven't even#been pretending to be able to bear the load i never was not even for a second have i denied the fact that it's too much and how it's#crushing me why do i have to keep it up but i have to because there's literally no other option there's no way out aside from giving up and#I can't. not for anybody else. not for me. i need this so bad. but i don't know how much I'll be allowed to keep it up#if it was for me I'd just grind myself down til there's nothing left just to get it but i can hear my own body screaming exactly because of#it. it won't let me keep all this up for long and I'm absolutely terrified of how bad the fall will be and how much it'll affect how#all I've put myself through to achieve peace will be rendered useless because i just wont be able to keep going anymore#god im so tired#tw negativity#told my mother i was too tired and she (understandably) asked me to just keep holding a lik bit and i just. broke down#these are not suicid*l thoughts i do not feel like that anymore i genuinely enjoy living and being alive so much in just so so tired#<- clarification for not tagging that lol i just. do not want it here sorry#she's trying so hard to cheer me up and i just can't stop crying
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Note
If it's not too much trouble I'd like to request 19 with Weather Report!! Thank you, thank you!! I can't wait for February!!
No problem.
Eye of the storm
(yandere Weather report X female reader)
You looked down at your arm as you sat on the small bunk of your cell looking down at the black line on your hand. You couldn't believe you had been convicted for the murder of your boyfriend. You had told the police all that you knew, it was all just a horrible freak accident but no one else seemed to think so and that's how you ended up in Green dolphin street prison.
However a voice pulled you out of you saddened state.
"Hey you must be new here, I haven't seen you around before" a feminine voice from the next cell over said.
"Yeah... I just got brought in today" you replied.
"Yeah the first week in is the tough part, it's my fifth week in if it makes you feel any better"
"So what got you in here anyway? you look too soft to have done anything" she asked
"My boyfriend ended up in a freak accident in our house and I've been charged with second degree murder for his death" you explained and the female let out a little chuckle.
"Wait! What's so funny?!" You hissed.
"Nothing sorry... It's just I got charged with murder for my boyfriend's death in a car accident" she replied.
"The justice system is fucking ridiculous" you sighed. You didn't care who you were talking to, you were just glad to talking to someone.
☁️☁️☁️
You woke up the next morning, part of just thought it was all a terrible dream but when you looked at the shadows of the cells bars on the bare walls you knew it wasn't. The day was going to be a slow and painful one, you just knew it.
First you had to hit the showers and it wasn't the type of shower you were use to, they didn't even bother having cubicles the shower heads were just all lined on both sides of the a long tiled hallway. Everyone in there could see you fully bare.
You got catcalled and harassed, one girl even had the audacity to slap you ass. You didn't like it at all. You felt so exposed having all these other women that you had never met eye you up and down.
Then breakfast was after. The food didn't look so good but you ended up wearing it before you could even eat it after one woman shoved into you.
"Oh look what you've done to my breakfast!" She said in a sassy tone.
"What are you talking about it's perfectly-" you were saying before she tipped her tray over you causing baked beans and runny egg yolks to drip down your head and shoulders.
"You better pay up for ruining my breakfast, I want twenty dollars right now!" she hissed with a voice laced with venom as she pulled you away from the crowd.
"Twenty dollars! We're in a prison, how I'm I suppose to get money in here, twenty dollars never the less!" You exclaimed before she grabbed you by the shirt, you were practically on you tippy toes.
"Stupid bitch!" She yelled in your face. You looked around hoping there was a guard somewhere or that they were watching on camera but there was no guards and you were in a blind spot for the camera's.
'Well if your not gonna pay me with money then you'll just have to do a few favours for me" she whispered in your ear as you felt one of her knees grind between your thighs. You let out a gasp in shock as you began to struggle.
"Oh I bet you'll squirt so hard when I start to rub myself against you" she cooed.
"No, no... I'm sorry but I don't do it that way" you explained.
"Trust me after I make you cum you will" she argued in a sweet tone.
"I don't know if you understand me but I'm telling you I'm not into chicks... Just leave me alone" you said as you began to panic.
"In prison any dick whore can be bent into a pussy slut, I'm letting you off easy for what you did right now so don't make me change my mind!" She said as you could see her patience was wearing thin.
"Just let me fuck you danm it!" She yelled only for a strange creature  appeared beside you and punched her in the face causing her to let go of you and fall back.
You stood in shock as you saw her get to her knees and let out a hiss.
"There is no need to be afraid, the effects have already begun" The pink and white creature beside you said in a whispy voice.
"You..." The woman hissed before standing up and pointing her finger at you.
"You are such a mess, I'll give you twenty dollars just go to the showers and give a guard ten dollars then you can get something better to eat after with the other ten" he said as she gave you two ten dollar notes.
"Actually take all my money! I'm sure someone as beautiful as you deserves more!" She gushed as she pulled out a possibly seventy five dollars.
"What the fuck?" You muttered under your breath before looking at her face and seeing three heart shaped bruises under her eye before she left.
"For a moment there I thought I was gonna have to save your ass" a familiar voice said.
You turned around to see a green and black haired female approach you.
"Sorry for not introducing myself properly last night, the names Jolyne Cujoh" she said as she shook your hand.
"(Y/n) (L/n)..." You said in shock as to what happened.
"Honestly I want you to tell me what the fuck just happened?" You said to her before looking back to find the creature had disappeared.
"I'm guessing that you only just got your stand" she said. You fell into a fit hysterical laughter as she said that.
"Yeah, coz I totally just got a stand from eBay that is haunted by a creature sent to this place!" You laughed. You fell on the floor and rolled on it. You were not taking these changes well.
Jolyne rolled her eye and lightly kicked you in the stomach.
"Get up and get cleaned up, I'm going to introduce you to some people"
☁️☁️☁️
Jolyne dragged you across the prison til you both stood in front of one of the walls.
"Jolyne, what's so special about this? It's just a wall" you asked. She didn't give you a verbal response and instead walked towards it and eventually through it. You were absolutely flabbergasted by what you had just witnessed. You just couldn't help but stand in shock before she dragged you in.
On the other side was a nicely presented entertainment room with a large framed pop art poster and a grand piano. In the room were a couple of other people. A Hispanic woman in a green shirt and fair skinned girl with green hair and wearing denim overalls, a pink haired male that you almost thought was a woman, another male with a white buffalo hat and a young blonde haired boy in a Cubs uniform.
"Jolyne, who's this?" The Hispanic woman asked as she flicked her braids to the side.
"Oh this is (Y/n), she's a new inmate that ended up in the cell next to mine, funny enough she turned out to be a stand user" Jolyne explained as she nudged you.
"Come on, show it off" she whispered to you.
"I don't know how, I just got the danm thing!" you whisper shouted.
Then the green haired rolled her eyes.
"Come on just show us, we won't judge" she said.
"What makes you think we can trust her, she might back stab us, she might be working for Pucci" the man with the white hat said.
"I don't think she is... She was absolutely spooked when she saw her stand" Jolyne explained.
"How about we just give the poor lady a rest, she looks as pale as a ghost" the pink haired male spoke up as he approached you and rested his hand on you in a reassuring manner.
"My name is Anasui dear" he said in a charming manner as he kissed your hand which made your heart flutter.
"I'm Foo fighters!" The green haired girl said in an enthusiastic tone.
"Hermes" the Hispanic woman simply said.
"My name's Empolio..." The young boy said before they all looked toward the man in the white hat, giving him a nonverbal cue to introduce himself but he simply refused.
You looked down at your arm in a shy manner only to see a white tick next to the black one that represented your late boyfriend.
Someone in this prison was your soulmate.
☁️☁️☁️
It had been a couple of weeks since you had met the gang that helped you slowly integrate into prison life. Sure it wasn't fun being in prison but they at least helped make it a little more bearable.
Another thing that also made things a bit easier was your stand which you ended up naming, Love foolosophy. It seemed to be the perfect fit for it's ability, being able to slide out and emerge victorious from most conflicts by simply having your stand cause you opponent's to temporarily fall love struck with a simple blow.
You sat in the ghost room as you waited for the others to come. Most of them seemed to open up to you very well (especially Anasui) however Weather seemed to always keep his distance from you, you knew he was being cautious but you just wanted him to open up to you.
You began to hear foot steps and looked up to see Weather who just gave a scowl.
"Just you huh?"
"Yeah it's just me..." You sighed.
"If you hate me then you should just say it now..." You continued and his whole persona seemed to flip.
"Don't get me wrong, I don't hate you... I just don't trust you fully yet"  he explained before sitting next to you.
"Well at least I have some of your trust" you chirped.
"Don't push your luck" he said sternly.
"Ok..." You mumbled.
An icy silence filled the room for what seemed like minutes until you piped up.
"So how did you get locked up in here?" You asked. He looked at you in the corner of his eye, contemplating if he should tell you or not.
"I don't actually know... To be honest I woke up here with no clue as to who I was or why I was here, the only thing that seemed to click in my mind was Weather Report, it's most likely not even my actual name but it at least gives me a form of identity" he explained.
"So you basically woke up with amnisia?" You asked.
"Yes" he replied.
"Well I'm sure you'll eventually get you memories back, or at least make some new ones..." You said, trying to give the man some optimism.
"Well how did you end up here?" He asked.
"My boyfriend was killed in a freak accident and it was treated as a murder..." You explained.
"And you were the prime suspect?"
"Yes"
It seemed from there the two of you opened up to one another for possibly an hour or so. You felt like you were actually finally able to start getting past the mental wall he always seemed to have until a particular pink haired male came in and tried to drag you away.
"Oh (Y/n) I found such a beautiful flower just past the fence outside the court. It reminded me of you so I wanted to show it to you" the male cooed as he grabbed onto your arm.
"Anasui, I'm kinda busy talking to Weather" you explained.
"No it's fine, it's best you go with him to see that flower" he huffed as he returned back to his original stern persona.
"Ok..." You sighed. It was probably the best for your safety, knowing his extremely obsessive behaviours.
Weather could help but grit his teeth, something about you just seemed the rile up all these emotions and hazy half formed memories.
Anger, Sorrow, bloodthirst and fear but they seemed to all be tied up and linked to another core emotion... Love. Ever since he first saw you he just had all these weird feelings and when he slept he dreamt of you, some were sweet and romantic like the one of him meeting you in a cafe or shop while delivering juice.
However one bad nightmare just kept repeating itself. His hung form forced to watch as you jumped of a cliff and take your own life. He dreaded it, he'd wake up with his heart racing and his body drenched in sweat but he just refused to believe that he was in love. The word love alone seemed to carry a tremendous amount pain with it.
☁️☁️☁️
Over time he just couldn't stop himself for feeling the way he did. When he saw your bright smile and you bright eyes that shone like jewels, he'd be worked off into a world so distant from this. It made him completely forget that he was in prison. You just gave him some form of hope in his lonely life, you filled a void in his heart.
He watched you as you looked out the small window and watched the light drizzle of rain fall from the dark clouds that hung lowly.
"You know, I've always loved rainy days..." You sighed.
"Why's that?" He asked.
"It's just so calming... The rain just seems to wash away all my worries, in the great lyrics of Jimi Hendrix 'let it drain your worries away, lay back and groove on a rainy day'" you sighed and he simply hummed in response, he didn't know who or what you had mentioned at the end but he still agreed with your statement, maybe he could make a few more days like this happen just for you. He knew it was undeniably you who the white tick represented.
It seemed like time stood still as he continued to watch you stare out the window. He just wanted this moment to last forever and in his own little world he hadn't noticed you move.
"Hey Weather?!" You called out as you waved something in front of his face to catch his attention.
"Yes" he stuttered as he finally came back to reality and saw the Toblerone chocolate bar you held in front of him.
"You want it?" You asked as you grabbed another for yourself.
"How did you get a Toblerone? I thought the prison didn't provide that fancy stuff, I've only ever seen it advertised in magazines" he asked as he look the oddly shaped chocolate from your hand.
"What can I say... My stand helps me get by" you shrugged as you opened it up and bit into the first place.
"But why give it to me?" He asked.
"I just thought you might enjoy it. Can't I do something nice? We're friends after all" you replied.
☁️☁️☁️
"Another sudden rain storm has yet again appeared over Florida today after two previous day's straight which has left scientists baffled"
"The previous weekly weather forecast predicted a week of uninterrupted summer sunshine but the days have instead delivered rain, lightning and wind blowing at a staggering 40 miles in some parts"
"Some claim this is part of the effects of global warming while other claim it is an act of God, one man mentioning he is the true Noah"
You sighed with a frown on your face as you heard the reporter on the tv say as you looked out at the dark sky through the window.
"What's wrong (Y/n)?" Weather asked as he sat beside you, it was almost the same as the time you spent three days ago.
"It's raining again..." You muttered as you flicked your hair out of your face. Totally unaware that the Weather was of his doing.
"But I thought you said you loved rainy days, just like in that Jimi Hendrix song?" He asked.
"Yeah..." You sighed.
"But have you ever heard of there being to much of a good thing?" You asked.
"How can there be to much of something good?" He asked which made you let out a sigh.
"It's like having a birthday or Christmas every single day of the year, you get presents everyday but eventually you'll wake up and look at those presents in disgust because they've lost their significance" you explained.
"Beside all this rain is gonna cause a flood or landslide" you continued before you were pulled back by a strong pair of arms and peppered in light kisses.
"Ah you're smothering me with your kisses!" You squealed as you playfully struggled in the pink haired males grasp.
"Oh (Y/n) I can't help myself" Anasui cooed. Weather pretended that Anasui's actions weren't effecting him but they were. Seeing the psychotic man that murdered his previous lover showering you in such affection made Weather sick in the stomach. It seemed like Anasui made his mind over women act like a woman buying clothes, he'd see one girl and go head over heels before doing the exact same over another but he simply let it slide as he thought you would realised it one way or another.
☁️☁️☁️
"Weather seems real off..." Anasui pointed out.
"I don't blame him... He just got his memories back" you replied.
"Who knows what's happened to him prior to his amnisia... How much trauma he could have experienced is a mystery" you continued.
"I think I'll talk it out with Weather... He might not open up about it but I can at least try" Anasui said as he stood up.
"No, I think I should... I've been making some small talk with him lately so I think he might be a bit more open if I just start off the conversation like normal and slowly build to the main question" you explained to Anasui as you lightly pushed him back down to his seat, he gave you a soft smile before standing back up and kissing your lips.
"You always know how the right words to say (Y/n)..." He sighed as he pulled away.
"I can't wait to marry you one day..." He continued, which you had to admit was a little too forward for you. You loved Anasui but you knew he wasn't the soulmate he claimed to be, you knew the red tick that appeared next to the gold one (which had formally been white) was him. Somewhere in the prison you had crossed paths with your soulmate, whether you actually interacted with them or not but until the day you met your true over half you would give him the love he so desperately desired, after all he made you feel special when you were at your worst.
"I'm going to go and see him now..." You replied to Anasui as you gave him a quick peck before you left to the place you suspected Weather report would be, The ghost room.
☁️☁️☁️
"Weather" you called out as you entered the ghost room, he sat on the sofa with his back toward you, his body language was cold and stern much like the side of him you had initially been exposed to when you had first met him.
"What?" He muttered in a cold tone.
"I just wanted to see if you were doing ok" you tenderly replied as you sat on the arm of the sofa.
"I'm fine!" He hissed as he lightly shoved you off.
"Oh come on, are we really going back to step one?!" You exclaimed but he gave you no response as he stood up.
"Weather you know I'm here for you... I don't I know what is going on inside your head now that you've gotten your memories back but I'm willing to listen to everything " you said and before you you could react him harshly pinned you to the wall, giving you a small grin as he heard you yelp in pain.
"You want to listen to me... Then I'll tell you what's on my mind" he said as he gripped your wrists even tighter then he had initially.
"For months I have been feeling so strangely around you... Your existence taunted my mind with all these powerful emotions that threatened to tear me apart... When I found out that you were dating Anasui I thought you would at some stage realise that he simply falls head over heels for the first woman is his sight" he explained in a abrasive tone.
"But you're too stubborn to even realise that... It pains me everyday to see you giving him all the attention" he continued.
"But Weather I do give you my attention... You could have told me this earlier, I'm-"
"You would have just turned me down..." He replied.
"Turned you down about what?" You asked.
"Have you not figured it out yet, I love you!" He yelled which caused you to flinch at the volume of his voice.
"Love? Oh god... I'm sorry but I've only ever seen you as a friend..." you muttered. You just wanted to melt into the wall if you could.
"The last woman I loved threw herself off of a cliff" he hissed as his eyes were almost unnaturally wide.
"God Weather I'm sorry to here that... But you can't just bottle up your anger like this... And I think that you might just be seeing me as a way to fill the void that your late lover left... I don't think it would be good for your health" you explained before he let go of you wrists, only to wrap his hands around your throat. A crazed smile danced upon his lips.
"You are not just some replacement to me... You are my soulmate, you are more then she ever could of ever been" he muttered.
You were scared for you life as you could feel your head beginning to feel light. You quickly summoned your stand to throw a swift punch to his face but it's fist only fazed through him. You tried it again and again but you got no result.
Weather eventually let go of you. You fell to your knees and held you throat as you coughed.
"Why... Why isn't Love foolosophy working?" You asked yourself before he kneeled in front of you.
"I guess Love foolosophy can't make me lovestruck for you if I already am" he replied as he ran his hand up your shoulder which made you flinch yet again.
"Please Weather... Whatever happened to you in the past wants to ruin you... Please don't let your memories destroy you... Don't let it ruin all the good you've done" you plead to the fair male.
"I'm just sick..." He muttered as he wrapped his arms around you before having you lay on top of him as he laid down. You kicked and screamed as you tried to get him to let go.
"I'm just so sick with you not being mine"
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exwifes4seduction · 3 years
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So my ex husband is staying with us for a few days to see his and my kids but they're in school most the day so it's weird all day when my boyfriend is at work n I'm here with my ex all day lol. I failed to mention to either one tho that my ex husband still to this day turns me on like A LOT! I woke up after my boyfriend left for work n the kids to school yesterday so fucking wet I thought I had peed or something til I realized how horny I was on top of being soaked thru my panties. So I did what I normally do when I'm that horny. I got my toy out, laid back n spread my legs pulled my soaking wet panties over as I slide it into my pussy. I had a replica of my ex's cock made into this toy so I could still feel him inside me even when my boyfriend is using the toy on me. So it doesn't take me very long before I'm in the middle of cumming when I notice my ex husband standing in the open doorway watching me. I kinda hurried to cover myself embarrassed a little but soon remember that he's seen me doing this a lot n plus I'm not ashamed for him to see me naked. Actually it really kinda makes me horny thinking about him watching me. I mean here's my ex husband that I haven't seen for years, n who turns me on more than anything n makes me cum when i fantasize over how we used to fuck sitting right there in our living room checking my half naked body out after he just caught me fucking myself. Fuck I wanna feel him inside of me so bad right now. So I roll outta bed n casually walk into the living room in nothing but my wet panties. I can tell that he's enjoying seeing his slutty ex wife walking toward him with nothing but panties on. I get to the couch where he's sitting and stand right in front of him for a minute giving him time to go over my body again n to grasp this is really happening. My heart is pounding so hard right now n I've never been more turned on in my life. I start to rub him n touch him like I used to so long ago. His hands finally find their way to my hips as he squeezes my side n he pulls me in towards him I absolutely fuckin lose it. I can't help myself any longer n sit straddling him in my panties on the couch. Making out like we were back in high school. Making my pussy wetter and wetter with every movement n touch. I finally get his throbbing cock out of his pants n rub it on my pussy outside these soaking panties almost making myself cum I'm so worked up. But it doesn't take him long before he's got this pussy cumming all over his cock as he thrust up inside my body. I love riding my ex husband's dick like I used to. I'm gonna make him cum inside me like he used to as I rode him. I don't care about anything else in the world right the second. I have wanted this ever since we split up just like this. OMFG there he goes again! Make this pussy cum again daddy. All over my boyfriend's expensive leather couch. Fuck yes baby fuck this pussy. He looks up at me n tells me I should pull it out before he cums so my boyfriend don't find out later but I keep fucking his gigantic cock bouncing on it til he says pull it out pull it out he's cumming I sit all the way down on it like I used to n start grinding it on the top of my vagina making myself cum so hard I squirt all over everything. I'm about to make myself squirt all over him n the couch grinding his cock in me when he looks me in the eyes and says omg your gonna make me cum again baby don't stop grinding that pussy yet. Fuck I'm gonna cum deep inside your pussy baby omg I wanna feel your pussy squirt everywhere at the same time. And just as we both start getting off again the front door flys open and her boyfriend walks in right as she's squirting her fuckin cum all over the place. She looks over her shoulder towards her boyfriend and says all that cum everywhere is from my pussy squirting so hard because I felt all his cum shoot deep up inside my body every time his cock pulsed I'd squirt a little more. You'll never get me off like he does. I've been craving this for some time now. So glad I got it again.
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