#if they did not know each other KAJDFHJSDKFH

[furymint]

❤️ - How did your muse come to realize their romantic and sexual orientations? Was it difficult to accept? Are they proud of who they are?

Miscellaneous Symbol Headcanons

(Elliot figured it out quickly but not before he irrevocably damaged his understanding of love with unrealistic expectations and few boundaries. He's constantly chagrined by society + his own self hatred but has a decent amount of compromises in place to protect himself. and nolanel is not normal. nolanel will never be normal about anything in his life, least of all sex)

but oh MAN this is a good question and one i think abt all the time. the answers are v detailed and a bit nsfw so it's all going under a cut

elliot was young when he figured it out. his childhood was lonely and studious--and that was partly his doing. josseloux treated him almost like an adult, allowing him to make his own decisions abt where to go and what to do, and elliot invariably pursued learning over play. he was snobbish, oversensitive, and peculiarly observant and analytical--which hasn't rly changed.

he was obsessed with quixotic male heroes, would find his eye drawn for hours to the ideal male figures in statues, and wanted nothing to do with the coarse or unintelligent (read: not like him) boys around him. josseloux wasn't unaware, and stuffed a few books in his shelves to bait his son. something like edward carpenter's anthology of friendship Absolutely ruined elliot's understanding of what a relationship w another man should be: something full of devout loyalty, intellectual greatness, unerring inspiration, and nothing like what he observed in real life. he was Different and he wanted Better.

women were Better but they didn't do it Right. they had the grace, kindness, and beauty that he wanted--except they were women, and women were inconvenient bc of societal structure/expectations and ☆misogyny☆. he intuited what sex was between the lines of his dad's books and decided it was not for him. then a teenage boy stopped an 8yo eli in the hall, bent to fix elliot’s tie, and spiraled him into understanding.

his imagination became more in depth once he knew what he wanted to see but wasn't seeing it. as he grew older, his queerness became more prominent in contrast w the dominant culture, and he began to resent the way people treated him as a curiosity. it was in his sense of beauty, his voice, the carry of his body, his values, and he knew that he would feel humiliated abt it for the rest of his life. he doubled down on himself and allowed ppl who wanted to dislike him to do so; he would weaponize gossip against them eventually.

he's still self-conscious. self-hatred is part of it, but most of that hatred is towards other parts of himself. at this point, he's thrown himself so far into fretting about his socks  that bigger matters feel smaller. almost every salon, house, lodge, and backroom where queer talk happens has also heard elliot's laugh. his experience w relationships before nol are unexpectedly fleeting and shallow, too: 6 months mightve been the longest because he always knew smth isnt clicking completely and it's all hot & quick sparks before they stop talking.

his first approach to nol was intellectual before anything else, then sexual, and when neither of those made nol open up, he regarded their interactions as platonic until he actually learned what nolanel's suppressed af tells were. then he kissed the dope and entered the 'Oh. So Nolanel Like-Likes Me. He's Also Terrified Of Me. Please God Tell Me I Can Fix This' phase. it got worse before it got better. its a miracle he didnt drop nol then and there but i never claimed elliot was smart.

anyway. nols insanity aside its a huge effort for elliot to have to juggle his big silly personality & professionalism with smth (possibly) undesirable that ppl clock in him the minute he's in view. by n large tho, he likes being gay n celebrates it. he just gets in trouble bc his gay feelings are too big for him to handle.

nolanel is just. jfc. so practically everything in the world terrifies nol. romance and sex are no different. part of that is just his own brain, and the other half is taught or cultural. he grew up knowing the how and why of sex bc of how crucial it was to the operation of the ranch. simultaneously, the only love he had towards a person was ephemie, so he just assumed one day he'd marry her and figure the rest out. he kissed her when he was 10 and both of them were like. uh yeah No.

his only other exposure to love was at community dances in the lowlands, where he danced and tried to convince himself of feelings but just couldn't sympathize with the couples secreted away and groping at each other. it didnt seem fun or worth breaking rules for. halone would be mad.

moving to the brume when he was 14 woke him up. the culture around sex was more open, which was distressing and confusing and thrilling. then the military compounded the jumble with peer pressure, the live-before-you-die mentality, and ohhhhhhh god oh no no no men everywhere why are men hot too. sex seemed embedded in everything down to their uniforms. perhaps he would learn to live w this. :)

absolutely fucking not. the ppl who ply sex horrify him by reminding him of his own desires (which halone says are bad). the most nol's done is make out w rando ladies but the minute they touch him past that he nopes out. this got even worse when his body was burned. dont look at him dont touch him (please look at him please touch him). he wants to be in love and have sex but any exp fills him w dread to the point it makes him sick. also, war makes him scared and sick. he is now doubly scared and sick. he starts telling himself its a waste and a distraction while knowing its not bc he cant. stop. thinking abt it.

ENTER BRUCEMONT. who loves sniffing out a weakness. he drills those feelings deeper into nols head while loudly contradicting them in his own life. he'll sit there and give explicit details abt the woman he bedded the night before so nol gets blueballed and furious. its hook line and sinker every time. truly embarrassing. brucemont loves his job. also, elliot is a political pest Needs To Go.

so this uber ridiculous religious, occupational, and personal shame cocktail is rly not helpful to nols state of mind. he Literally throws up after elliot kisses him for the first time bc he's so violently scared. his internalized homophobia acts up at the worst times, he's deathly ashamed of loving elliot at all for a while, and it takes forever for him learn that privacy is not secrecy and vice versa. the last thing i wrote is all about this.

honest to god if he just let himself enjoy something instead of analyzing the moral properties of kissing the man he's been pining after for 4 yrs, he'd have a better time of life. nol please go get laid im crying. and then he can't be normal abt that either bc hes i like uhhhh yeahhhhh im not rly interested in taking any of my clothes off the first time

i think if he fell in love w a woman he'd feel a lot more comfortable about it. anyone but elliot (and bruce. i know i joke abt it but GOD its possible its terrifying) would also do him good. nol has a v servile personality that adapts to the needs of the person he likes, but he and eli have such wildly different needs that they have to beat each other's brains like laundry for several years before they're compatible. none of this helps nol view his sexuality as smth hes remotely okay with for a v long time