#if you tag this as ship im killing you (monk is a child here)

[malwarechips]

pretty

[novamir]

understanding the inner mechanisms of kiraboss (bare with me on this one folks)

now i know you’re thinking what in the actual fuck are you on about NOW? but listen what the fuck is this shit about bro? which is why ive decided i will find out so YOU dont have to! you better thank me! keep in mind i dont ship this shit and i never will :pog: for me. stay tuned for the end on my kira diavolo friendship theory

MAC PRE-KIRABOSS ENLIGHTENMENT

WHAT I KNOW BEFORE MY INVESTIGATION: i have seen part 4 and 5. i have read dead mans questions. in dead mans questions kiras basically a ghost hitman who doesn’t remember his past life. we know diavolo is in an infinite death loop or whatever.

MY INITIAL THOUGHTS: kiras killed diavolo before because, well, hitman and infinite death loop. ok. wheres the appeal. can you just say you’ll ship anything that moves and quit wasting my damn time

WHY. JUST FUCKING WHY: did you know that on ao3 (i know.), if you go into the official kira tag that the top relationship is kiraboss?

(out of 838 works at the time im writing this. in the diavolo tag, it ranks 5th)

OKAY, I’LL BITE. WHAT’S THE APPEAL: i dont know! i really dont. people are just weird and have to ship anything <3 a road that should be taken is that kira actively seeks out diavolo to kill everytime and hes like why are you so hell bent on killing me each fucking time you fucking freak and kiras like cant help being a gemini! [stabs diavolo] anyway,

WHAT I’M ABOUT TO PUT MYSELF THROUGH: not only am i going to go into the evil kiraboss tag, but im going to read some of these ao3 fics to see whats up. i’ll give a general consensus of what i’ve learned so you and a loved one can also be informed about the wonders (ACK) of kiraboss.

MAC POST-KIRABOSS ENLIGHTENMENT

ok well guess what. my deep dive gave me nothing but one conclusion and thats everyone is just horny and will ship ANYTHING. you all fucking suck.

WELL, WHAT WAS KIRABOSS TUMBLR LIKE: more palatable than ao3. but still. horny. theres quite a few posts where people dont ship it but ship killer queen and king crimson, which. i am no fan of. 

WHY? THEY’RE STANDS: i tote around killer queen/the world like its my child. thats the stand ship. king crimson is like a brother to ms queen. read all about kq/tw here.

TUMBLR CONCLUSION: there are some funny posts. i like funny things and can appreciate it. however. it doesnt help me figure out the weirdness of all this. and im sorry but this is some weird ass shit. i saw one kira/doppio and i think i should be able to sue for emotional damages. whatever i got nothing from this stupid site. lets move on

OKAY, AO3 WON’T BE ANY BETTER, WILL IT: it sure fucking wont. ao3 is a cesspool of disgusting ass shit. we have 111 kiraboss fics, 61 in english. ok. we can do this, right?

WRONG: as i sorted everything, the most recent fic was a horny one. im not reading your p0rn shit wackos

SORT IT BY KUDOS, THEN: well the top rated fic in the kiraboss tag is ALSO horny. scrolling is just p0rn. ive found valentine/kira/diavolo as well. maybe we shouldnt do that

WELL. SHIT: i found ONE that was decent and it made sense. like, kind of. im using it so loosely. im grasping at straws. and i didnt even read it all the way. i skimmed it. whatever.

MAC’S CONCLUSION

fujoshis. thats it. listen listen listen. ive thought about this. not romantically. thats stupid and unrealistic. however let me open your third eye. i was talking about it earlier.

TWO DEAD MEN AND AN INFINITE DEATH LOOP: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

kira’s a ghost. hes employed by a monk. its hard for him to enter places due to ghost rules. ok. one day kiras on the clock about to kill someone when he spots a man drowning in a local pool. no one is around. there is no ladder. he cant get out. sims physics. hes standing there like wooooow. woooow this is kind of funny and diavolo can see kira because my rules and hes like BITCHES HELP and kiras like huh he isnt talking to me he cant see me and of course hes thinking out loud and diavolos like I SEE YOU BITCH

and then he drowns and kiras like well that was interesting but i really cant be bothered. hes dead anyway lol whose he gonna tell. and goes back to work

in truth he forgets completely about this weird drowning now dead man until his monk employer is like go kill this guy you just have to he wasnt in the agenda but boss man says hes gotta go. thanks. and then he shows up to a park where diavolos like FINALLY I CAN FUCKING LIVE and kiras like oh shit what the fuck i thought you died and diavolos like HEY WHAT THE FUCK you let me DIE? and kiras like uh yea and now you’re alive? okay whatever im killing you now and before he can say anything else hes dead again. kira goes back to his boss and  is like yeah this is weird and shes like yeah i dont really care </3 

anyway they have many more run ins spaced out over years and years and one day diavolo really truly does have an upper hand over kira and gets away, and just as he pauses in his running away, a piano falls on him like a cartoon. cue laugh track

the next time kiras sent to kill him, kiras like hey could you explain why you keep dying like whats up with that and diavolo explains it reluctantly and it takes like 5 times to get the story out because outside factors keep killing him in comically hilarious ways and hes like damn that actually sucks :/ i dont remember anything about my life and diavolos like wow you really made it about you i fucking hate you i hope you die and then kira kills him. yawn. anyway. hes searched his own name up before and all thats there is a freak accident where he get squashed by an ambulance, so next time he tells diavolo that and hes like yeah no im willing to bet theres something more to that. can you please just kill me i dont want to talk to you right now.

anyway that makes kira think. he goes down a spiral and remembers diavolo saying something about egyptian arrows and mentioning stands so it takes him a while but he stumbles upon a weird internet thread talking about consiperies and some guy named dio and i like to think theres like a list of people who were given arrows and boom he sees his dads name like hmm i recognize that from my obituary... so when he sees diavolo again hes like i think my dad had an arrow? and i feel like i had a stand?

diavolo really doesnt care. he just nods and waits for death.

kira takes a while and manages to piece it together-- based on the fact hes a hitman in the afterlife, that has to reflect something about him while he was alive, yeah? there were a series of murders in morioh ending around the time of his death.

diavolo is killed by mugging, and kira continues to talk long after diavolo is dead.

kira lurks around morioh listening in, and i like to think that josuke and co. would eventually name drop kira  and he would hear it by fate and you know those cheesy movies where everyone's memories come back to them at once by some small event? yeah thats it.

diavolo gets murdered the fuck out of next time kira sees him and diavolos like well! good for him i fucking guess

diavolo does listen to kiras fucked up backstory and is like wow okay youre just as fucked up as me which i probably couldve guessed but hey. 

in a fucked up way kira and diavolo are kind of friends whatever. anyway keep in mind this happens over years and one day giorno and co. show up to morioh and kiras like holy shit what is this about

and then he meets up with josuke and kiras like HOLY SHIT NO FUCKING WAY

diavolos like well fucking kill GIORNO!!! RELEASE ME FROM THIS INFINITE PRISION and kiras like absolutely fucking not

at the end of they day they hate each other but have to be friends but if they are no they aren’t. yes they are ❤️ not yes❤️

anyway that’s my theory. bye I spent way too long on this fuck kiraboss but kira killing diavolo sometimes in the loop is funny oh yeah it would be funny if:

yea that’s it ok bye bye now