#iga in the team and we're going to the euros

[pajorko]

I am once again asking to call up Iga Świątek

[nautiscarader]

What the hecking heck has happened to me? Hattrick edition.

PREVIOUSLY ON "NAUTISCARADER'S HEALTH ISSUES":

>probably a week

so that was two months ago. Yeah, the Tardis has definitely taken the wrong turn at Albuquerque.

So let's dive right in.

Usual warning about descriptions of medical procedures applies.

Chapter 18: Preamble ramble

So, I had to go and have a surgery! For the first time in my life! They put me on the crappiest bed possible that couldn't even have the headrest adjusted. So I was lying in one position all the time. In fact... Let's do a quick fire round...

🟰 Food? passable 🟰 Tea? okayish, with weird salvia aftertaste ❌ Nurses? Not cute at all :/ plus some were nuns o_o

Actually, speaking of tea.... every mug they've handed me had these weird red markings. Blood red, in fact. And they weren't even symbols or letters, to signify which ward they belong to (common on every other piece of furniture). They were just... smudges. It was pretty much...

...that.

And, well, okay, I need to find a way to describe the procedure without going into too many gory details. Well, it started with....

...oh heck...

...I ... I need... to....

Chapter ???: Slicing and dicing

Okay, so let's talk about Gallade.

It is a blade Pokémon. Easily in my top 10 faves ever since his debut in gen IV. But Scarlet&Violet gave him a new toy: Sharpness. An ability that boosts slicing moves by 50%, kinda what Technician does to under-powered moves. Except slicing moves are anything but weak. Night Slash? 70, now 105. Psycho Cut? Same, now better than Psychic. X-scissors? 80, now 120. Solar Blade STARTS at 125, becomes more than 180.

But then... they gave him Sacred Sword. Once nearly-legendary exclusive fighting move, and he can learn it NATURALLY at level 1. 90 power, now 120. And it bypasses defence modifications. Bye, bye Close Combat.

And the best thing is, even with blades for hands, Gallade still gives the best hug-

wait wha-

oh...OH!

Chapter 19: Is it over already?

Oh. Well, uh, okay then. Surgery's over. The only problem was I couldn't eat anything for a few hours because of the Antikythera antithesis anaesthetics, otherwise I'd be puking my way to the Moon and back, apparently.

So, that went pretty smoothly! And for the rest of the week I was recuperating. Plus, I was listening about victories of our number 1 tennis racket in the world, Iga Świątek!

And Polish football team at Euro 2024!

...okay, we wren't that bad, but still, once again, three matches and we're done.

And then, one day...

I have been lying peacefully... when suddenly the room shook with a mighty, deafening roar and a black shadow covered the window!

No, no, it wasn't Alduin, Bane of Kings and diddly-diddly-dee. No, it turned out the hospital had a helicopter landing deck! So a few times we could watch them taking off or landing.

And yeah, so that is how the next week passed too. Wait...

Chapter 20: Shouldn't I be out already?

So one of the nurses that help me at home has told me that I would only stay there for a week. Those were her words I passed to you.

But that's not all - turned out that after two weeks I'd be moved to a DIFFERENT hospital to... rest and lie some more!

so... let's do this again!

✔️ Tea? Pretty good! 🟰 Nurses? Mostly okay. ✔️ Food? ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS.

In fact, to let my body recover I have been getting double portions! Imagine that! Double food for two weeks! Wait...

Chapter 21: JUST LET ME OUT

Yeah, even good food by hospital standards couldn't keep me in. So, after some talk with the head doctor, I've waited until all my tests would be a-okay, and then I was out!

And I was so happy, because I've missed you so much, guys! I was SO excited to finally talk with you again, and not lie in bed all the time, and...

...and...

...uh, sorry, I'm a bit out of breath, I'm so happy!

...a-actually I'm-I'm really out-out of b-brea-reath...

...oh, cocking hell, I think my asthma is back.

Chapter 22: Oh no, not this again!

So, I've had a really bizarre asthma attack and... had to go hospital. AGAIN. I was at home for 10-ish hours and now I was BACK TO LYING LIKE A LOG AFSGDFSFDSH. The good news was that the out-of-breathness was gone after an hour or so, and in fact this might not have been asthma at all, according to one doctor.

Buuuuut.... they had to keep me for about 3-4 days, standard. And now the title makes sense, because it was a third different hospital I've visited! So....

🟰 Tea? okay. ❌ Food? Poor. ✔️ Nurses? HECKING CUTE! And one was singing my new favorite song, "Belong Together"!

On the other other hand, some other, usually older nurses were truly annoying and harsh. The tonal whiplash felt like...

But okay, three days I can manage

And then shit happened again, when I've caught my old nemesis, Clostridium. 10 more days of treatment.

And then it turned out I had some urinary infection. SEVEN MORE DAYS.

At this point, I was truly going mad, cos I wanted nothing more than to JUST GO HOME

One amusing thing: one of the patients I shared a room with had this... drip-controlling machine, I guess, and when it ran out of stuff to dose, it played this three-note melody on loop to notify the nurses.

And a patient in adjacent room had it as well. And since they were the same, the intervals matched. So on occasion, they sung in canon, like...

Another thing was, I had computed tomography, which was basically STARGATE!

So, what was on the other side of it?

...well, it was still the same room. Disappointing, I know.

And one day after that... I was out!

Thank you guys for all the love and care you have expressed, and many messages of concern. The sad thing is, I cannot guarantee stuff like that won't happen in the future. I can only hope you will cope with me. My health sometimes is doing cartwheels that infuriate me.

But I've gotta be strong, and you guys make it so much easier <3