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powerranks · 7 years

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Power Ranks: Week 3

This week in the NFL was slightly depressing for me, and it wasn’t just because I got my ass handed to me by Dyl. I’ve wanted to sort of share my thoughts on the protests through some sort of outlet, and I guess I’ll do it here, as briefly as I can since this isn’t why you guys read this. If you really don’t want to, you can skip the next two paragraphs.

Trump, among other things, is a racist prick. However, I think he knew what he was doing when he started attacking the NFL. He (and the media) have turned what was originally Kaepernick’s protest against racial inequality into “NFL players against the flag”, all while taking attention away from the fact that his shitty attempt to take away healthcare failed. It’s really hard to get so much wrong in a four word headline, but headlines on major news outlets read “NFL protests American Flag”. What the fuck is that? Trump literally took all attention from the point of the protest and made it a race/patriotic thing, despite saying it wasn’t about race.. Twitter arguments on the subject are absurdly revealing of closeted racists that now have a reason to speak up (this sentence can be said about the entire Trump administration), and I’m sure you guys have seen the videos of people burning their NFL jerseys and swearing off the league. A bar owner in Minnesota made the doormat into his bar out of jerseys that read “Lynch Kaepernick”. This is pathetic and sad, and it’s even sadder that I could go on. I think this is what Trump aimed to do. The people angry about the protest are the people that are missing the point, or ignoring it because of their own racist agenda. Lots of bad things have come out of this, but I hope we can focus on the positives, which is that this has sparked a national discussion that you can’t be on the fence about. (Sorry Drew Brees, you sounded like an asshole when you tip toed on the fence.) Nothing will change unless something like this happens, and I’m glad that a unified showing against the bullshit intimidation methods of an attention seeking president who’s done everything in his power to make activism in the NFL about him might start a revolution.

It’s absolutely insane to me that the most influential athlete of the past year wasn’t seen Sunday, but it was incredible seeing that his presence was so strongly felt. It’s clear he’s being blackballed, but with every passing day that we talk about the reason he’s being blackballed, Kaepernick won. I guess the point of this little write up is to not forget the point of the protest. White privilege and systemic racism exist, kneeling during the anthem does not equal disrespect to the flag or soldiers, and the more we talk about it the better. Contrary to the people burning their jerseys and season tickets, I’ll watch the absolute shit out of the NFL now. I know that I usually don’t talk about anything that actually matters with you guys so this might be weird or uncomfortable to hear, I just needed to share some thoughts.

P.S.: HOW FUCKING WILD WOULD THIS WHOLE PROTEST THING BE WITH DAN AROUND? I MIGHT’VE ACTUALLY KICKED HIS ASS. SHOUTOUT ALEX FOR SAYING SOMETHING TO THE GUY.

Scott Team Update : 6-3. I will continue to post this until the Scott trifecta is under .500.

Reminder: the number I give you doesn’t matter as much as the tier I put you in, I don’t see a big difference between teams in a tier other than small details.

The “literally every draft pick I made was perfect and I have the midas touch” tier

1. Scott’s Balls 12-11-16 (Anthony “it’s been golden boy bullshit for a year and a half now, i hope karma comes and fucking stabs your cocky, complaining about Ben Watson garbage time touchdowns when literally everyone on your team has 239487239847 points, saying you could lose when Alex has Carr and Lynch when you’re up 75 ass face” Mendola) (3-0) (LW:1)

I’m not actually that mad, I’m man enough to admit its jealousy. Your team is good, I’m not sure how much I can write about it considering it’s been the same formula for three weeks, Cam sucking, Kareem Hunt 60 yard touchdowns, Chris Hogan bullshit, Gronk fucking the football, and your WR2 always doing well. (Geronimo fucking ALLISON). I’m still not 100 percent sold on the receivers, but Hogan looks for real at this point. Enjoy it while it lasts my dude.

2. Fournette About It (Jack “closeted viking fan, non closeted clown porn enthusiast” Cleek) (2-1) (LW: 3)

I really believe in this team now that it’s been proven that the skill position guys are QB proof. When you can sustain four fantasy relevant people with Case Keenum, you know you can start any of the Vikings any given week. When you thrive with Jared Goff and Bazooka Blake Bortles as the people handing off to you, you can do anything. I like the addition of Nick Swardson, and if you could find a QB you’re never gonna lose again (other than the Vikings bye week)

The “This is a whole tier of above average inconsistent garbage” tier

3. Hammer (Tony “He’s back!” Mendola) (1-2) (LW: 7)

I know, I know, this is a meteoric rise from 7, but Tony’s team has gotten better every week, and over the course of the years there hasn’t been a single person better than him at identifying the random, shitty dudes who get 10 a week. Brady is back to being Brady, Devonta Freeman looks like a steal at the 8th pick, T.Y. showed he might be able to do something with Brissett, and Jared Cook is this year’s Richard Rodgers, the tight end Tony starts and just always gets 8. Going forward, this team should be just fine, especially if Chris Thompson can keep producing at this rate for a few more weeks.

4. Aegon Targaryen M’FVCKA (Alex “weirdly been quiet” Ahn) (2-1) (LW: 2)

I’m not sure if you’ve been quiet because nobody’s accepting trades, or you just don’t talk to me specifically because I just laugh at all the trade offers, but its been a strange start of the season, I almost miss the crappy trade offers because it at least made us talk. Anyways, nobody can really blame you for losing to Anthony’s golden boy bullshit, but your team did REALLY bad last week. The main reason you’re dropping down to 4 is that Lynch, the Crow, and your QB’s just don’t look consistent. Jeffery (maybe) and Tyreek are gonna be just fine, and Elliott is Elliott, but the rest of your team doesn’t really look good or bad, just kinda meh. It’s a good team that needs to find consistency. That being said, I’m calling it now, Matt Ryan reads these and he’s gonna drop 400 yards and 3 TD’s on my ass for suggesting he’s gonna keep regressing.

5. Rick and Jordy (Chris “also should kinda change the name” Gatzow) (1-2) (LW:4)

You’re only in dead last place because of how weird the victories have been this year, but I still think your team is about average. I’m a lot lower on it than I was at the beginning of the year, but only because so many guys haven’t shown up yet. Julio has had the yurds, but not the touchdowns. Baldwin only looked good because Wilson put up a shitload of garbage time points. T West doesn’t look nearly as good as he did at the beginning of the season. Delanie Walker is having a down year because of how many weapons that Tennessee offense has. I’m not sure if Cooper and Howard are gonna get 0 or 20 on any given week. This tier was full of inconsistent teams that I think are okay, and your team is the most inconsistent of the bunch in my opinion.

6. Don’t Trust a Younghoe (Dylan “name change time now?” Jessop) (1-2) (LW: 8)

Dropping Younghoe might’ve been the best thing you did (You’re welcome bitch) since Succop looks legit this year. Your record and points scored don’t suggest you should be this high, but holy shit I don’t think that many people know about how much points you’ve left on your bench, I know part of that is your own foolish decisions, but had you been starting the right dudes you may be the second or third highest scorer. I think the longer the year goes on, the more you’ll figure your own team out. This team is deep as hell. You’re sitting Michael Crabtree AND Gilislee this week, that’s impressive as hell. If CJ and Demarco can get slightly more consistent, you’re gonna be scary, Watkins dropping that low looks scary now.

7. Mixon it Up (Alec “Chris really ruined this and made me write so much more on these rankings by losing, and also ruined an amazing meme that nobody’s gonna see now” Bernstein (1-2) (LW:9)

Alright, the joke and tier is over. I really was doing it only because you talked shit about your ranking, and I was TOTALLY right for the first two weeks. But last week was more along the lines of what I think you envisioned with your team. Granted, Wilson only got his points because it was garbage time and they needed to come back, but he got 35 nonetheless. Lamar Miller, as we’ve said, will get 8 or 9 a week but he’s not gonna let you down. Mixon looks like he’s on the upswing. Green/Beckham, for as bad as they had been before this week, are about as scary a duo as you can have at WR. Eifert dying sucks, but Graham is such a nice fantasy tight end and I’m upset nobody else got him/someone dropped him in the first place (cough cough ALEx). I still don’t think your team is good, but it deserves to be in this tier just because it’s shown you can break 100. That’s more than...

The teams that can’t break 100 or even 90 can say tier

8. Scott’s Penis (David “slowly realizing I used 100% of my luck the year i won” Chinchilla) (1-2) (LW: 6)

I’m only ranking myself 8 because I’m the only one of the remaining teams that’s broken 90. Dyl hasn’t broken 90 either, but he’s left like 2903847298347 points on his bench so he deserves a bit more than this embarrassment down here. I don’t even know what to say. QB is so bleak without Luck that I just dropped Jared Goff and picked up Trevor Siemian and felt like that was an upgrade, how sad would that sentence have been last year? Hyde is my only good player, Ajayi and McCoy are in bad situations (McCoy especially, the Bills REFUSE to give that guy the ball inside the 45 yard line) and my receivers are just so MEH. I have no faith in any of my receivers getting more than 9, and Reed might’ve ALREADY died for the year. I think my team really really sucks, but not because of a lack of talent, just all my players are on teams that can;t seem to score. I’m finding myself rooting for the other team to do bad more than I am for rooting my team onward to victory.

9. Beshoy and some Backups (Beshoy “Aaron Rodgers vs. The World” Halim) (1-2) (LW:5)

We’ve talked a lot about our teams and while I think your top three are better than my top three, I think the rest of your team is a whole hell of a lot of not number one guys. You get Martin back after this week, but I still have little faith in some of your guys. I think Henry can be for real, that offense might be able to sustain two RB’s, but that remains to be seen. Cohen could be good, but Jordan Howard came back from the dead last week (multiple times). Thielen is always gonna be the #3 red zone target in that offense, but the good thing is that he has a clear yards floor. Idk what Blount will be doing going forward, but at least he’s definitely the battering ram down at the goal line. I really hope this turns around for you, but as of now, much like with my team, things look bleak.

10. Scott’s Jizz (Scott “just being disrespected at this point” Felgenhauer) (2-1) (LW:10)

I know you’re gonna be upset again, but I don’t know what you want me to say...Ajayi has played in two games and scored less than three in one of those two, and he’d be your second best running back on your team. Dak and Dez have been REALLY nice so far, and I trust Kelce, but everything else on the squad is just such a random dart or a bad player. Mike Thomas finally had his good game, as did Jackson/Dez/Dak and you STILL only scored 80. I am rooting for you and hope you win more games, but I can’t rank you any higher until you get literally anything out of your RB’s.

PICKS

Aegon Targaryen M’FVCKA (Alex) over Scott’s Penis (David)

UPSET SPECIAL BABY VVVVVV

Beshoy and some Backups (Beshoy) over Scott’s Balls 12-11-16 (Anthony)

Hammer (Tony) over Mixon it Up (Alec)

Don’t Trust a Younghoe (Dyl) over Scott’s Jizz (Scott)

Fournette About It (Jack) over Rick and Jordy (Chris)

Last week : 2-3

Season: 100-0 (fuck you guys)

0 notes

junker-town · 7 years

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NFL Dad, Week 3: Protests, naps, and guacamole

One father of two young children attempts to watch the RedZone channel while parenting. Along the way: reflections on serving your country and the reliable success of guacamole.

Parents often talk about “seeing the world through a child’s eyes,” a cliché that should come with a $500 fine or a punch in the nose from someone without kids. What they mean, in plainer terms, is that they noticed something they had previously taken for granted because their dumb kids saw it for the first time.

Seasons changing is a great example of this. If you’re an adult with no kids, the shift to fall is automatic: you slide into your football-watching habits, dig your hoodies out of storage, maybe post some foliage on your Instagram. This ain’t your first rodeo.

My daughter is almost 3, and her preschool’s ENTIRE CURRICULUM is season-based: apples in the fall, snowflakes in the winter, seeds in the spring. She’s obsessed with books about autumn and Halloween. Instead of going to bed when it’s light out, her bedtime now happens at sunset; we look out the window and try to spot leaves that have started to change color. The farmer’s market we walk through on Saturdays now has pumpkins and squash, and when I take the kids to Trader Joe’s on Sunday morning, 70 percent of the items are pumpkin-flavored. I swear to God there’s pumpkin-flavored almond milk and a sign that says “All pumpkin everything!” It is 87 degrees outside.

But the equinox doesn’t lie: it’s officially fall. At least there’s football.

EARLY GAMES, FIRST HALF

— The dominant story line before the games, and even throughout them, is how players and teams react to President Trump excoriating the “sons of bitches” who kneel during the national anthem, tough words indeed from a patriot who loves America so much he wouldn’t leave her soil during the Vietnam war.

Maybe you voted for Donald Trump, and maybe you didn’t, but there’s no way around those five draft deferments. And, speaking as someone who’s actually been to war, avoiding war is genuinely a very good idea! It’s just a shame that the president abandoned that stance when it wasn’t his jiggling ass on the line.

Anyway, I wrestled with most of this a year ago when Colin Kaepernick first started his protest, and the video I made then still captures my feelings now:

Long story short: My father went to the Air Force Academy and served 22 years as a pilot. I served as a Marine tank commander in Iraq. Because of my time in the Corps, I have some friends who still wear the uniform, some who now work as FBI agents, and some who are underground, God rest their souls. The flag means a LOT to me. I love the anthem. But that doesn’t mean the anthem protests are ABOUT me, or what I feel.

A protest during the national anthem may be offensive to you. Your feelings are valid. But placing them ahead racial injustice in this country — or even a person’s peaceful execution of his First Amendment rights — demonstrates a woeful lack of empathy, or at least a willful ignorance of racism in America. If this isn’t self-evident already, I’ll just point out that the president responded to a white supremacist march that killed a woman by saying that SOME WHITE SUPREMACISTS ARE VERY FINE PEOPLE. I’m so tired of being gaslit about this shit. It’s exhausting.

— I don’t see most of the anthem stuff because I’m putting son down for a nap. When I come back, Rob Gronkowski scores a touchdown on third-and-goal. Save me, Gronk. Save me from the stupidity. Whisk me away to an island of frosty light beers and laughing at “69” jokes. I yearn for the intellectual upgrade.

— The Saints sack Cam Newton on third-and-three inside the 10. A goal-line stand? From the Saints? Something is amiss.

— Weird NFL continues: after the Steelers muff a punt, the Bears go up 7-0 with a Jordan Howard TD. Not long after, Ben Roethlisberger gets sacked and fumbles, with the Bears recovering. I took the Steelers -7 today, and I’m already sick with regret.

— AHAHAHAHAHA, I just saw Joe Flacco’s numbers against Jacksonville on the ticker: 8-18 for 28 yards with 2 interceptions. Holy shit, 1.6 yards per attempt! I hope they quarantined the stadium before Flacco could spread the plague any further. London suffered enough in the 17th century.

— At 1:34 p.m., everyone but me is napping: my daughter in her bedroom, my son in ours (the kids sleep in the same room at night but nap separately), and my wife on the couch as I watch RedZone. The shades are drawn and the TV is muted. Could I nap? Nothing about this column prevents me from napping. The Eagles convert a fourth-and-inches near midfield. The Jets punt.

— On third-and-goal in Indy, Jacoby Brissett fakes a pass and takes it on a designed keeper. Nice play design. Am I tired enough to nap? I had a cold brew a little before the games began; I don’t want to miss out on football for a failed nap.

— DeShaun Watson hits Bruce Ellington with a beautiful throw over the middle for a score, and the Texans have a surprising 10-7 lead over the Pats. I managed to get a nap in yesterday afternoon. After my son’s swim lesson, my wife took the kids so I could stay at the pool and swim laps. I came home with that all-over muscle fatigue you only get from swimming, made a grilled ham and cheese sandwich for lunch, and crashed on the couch while the kids slept.

— Duke Johnson leaps into the end zone for a 19-yard touchdown to tie the game at 7.

CBS broadcast

See, this is why I’m hesitant to nap. Because even though the Browns-Colts game is the LAST game I’d want to watch this week, it has already produced two touchdowns I thought merited inclusion in this collection of notable plays.

— So much for the Texans’ lead: after a Watson INT sets the Pats up in the red zone, Tom Brady finds Chris Hogan wide open in the end zone for a TD. In Indy, Jacoby Brissett scores another TD on the ground, while the Saints and Falcons -- both on the road — build commanding early leads. If I napped now, I’d probably be awake by the third quarter of the early games. I’d miss nothing of note. I should just do it.

— On second-and-goal, Ben Roethlisberger goes to Antonio Brown 1-on-1 on a quick screen, and that’s a TD every time. It ties the game at 7-7, and while rooting for the Steelers feels gross, I have gambling interests to protect. Or maybe I’m just too tired to think straight? I should nap.

— It is 2:05, 31 minutes after I first started contemplating a nap. My heart is beating a little fast from the cold brew, but the exhaustion of parenting is resolute. I lie down next to my wife and throw my arm over my eyes to shade them from the flicker of the television.

EARLY GAMES, SECOND HALF

— At 2:38, I open my eyes, and Drew Brees is hitting Tedd Ginn over the top for a 40-yard touchdown. The safety help arrived too late.

— I scroll back through Twitter just a few minutes to see if I’ve missed anything big, and BOY HOWDY are people tweeting about the Bears.

Wow. #PITvsCHI http://pic.twitter.com/gG6Ry6Uylr

— NFL (@NFL) September 24, 2017

In the Twitter era, this is the perfect thing to experience AFTER it’s happened. I don’t have to wade through dumb exclamations or the confusion of the moment, and I don’t have to wait for the Bears’ false start on their untimed play. I just wake up to a brief, handy explainer. Naps are the best. Always nap.

— Stefon Diggs is going OFF. A long touchdown, his second for the game, makes it 28-3 in favor of the Vikings early in 3rd quarter. I picked the Bucs to win because Case Keenum is sun-bleached highway trash, but apparently Diggs, the Vikings’ defense, and home turf are more than enough to handle Tampa Bay.

— A flurry of touchdowns as my wife makes chorizo bean dip: Tom Brady to Brandin Cooks on a deep crossing route puts the Pats up 28-20; Golden Tate’s first TD of the season cuts the Falcons’ lead to 23-20; and Zach Ertz scores on a short pass for the Eagles. The Giants now trail by five* scores, 14-0 (*adjusted for Giants’ offense).

— My daughter is awake, but we’re not getting her out of bed yet. My wife is putting the finishing touches on the chorizo dip, and I’m making guacamole.

This is all I'm eating the rest of the day (thank u @celebrityhottub for the chorizo dip recipe)

A post shared by Matt Ufford (@mattufford) on Sep 24, 2017 at 1:06pm PDT

Guacamole take: guacamole has a huge range of success. My ideal guac has salt, lime, garlic, cilantro, red onion, and tomato, but I still enjoy it with fewer or more ingredients. Whatever you like is fine.

— Down two touchdowns, the Giants fail on fourth down in red zone, but the resulting Manningface minimized by RedZone’s double-box. I NEED FULLSCREEN ANGUISH, YOU HEATHENS. I realize only now that I’ve seen both of Manning’s interceptions today, but none of his reactions to them.

— DeShaun Watson still makes rookie mistakes, but his ceiling looks an awful lot like Russell Wilson at his best:

DeShaun Watson out here stealing Patrick Mahomes plays. http://pic.twitter.com/0e2VXqNOKS

— Clay Wendler (@ClayWendler) September 24, 2017

Watson caps that drive with a TD to his tight end, cutting the Texans’s deficit to 28-27. A few minutes later, they’ll kick a field goal to go up 30-27.

— Jameis Winston hits DeSean Jackson down the sideline for a TD as the third quarter ends; the Bucs now trail 31-17. Can Dirk Koetter wear his glasses any further down his nose? He’s like a disapproving librarian in a children’s movie.

— The Dolphins are losing to Jets 20-0. Living in the New York broadcast area guarantees me the Jets and Giants every damn week, but a small part of me wishes I were watching this game on local TV so I could see Cutler’s face.

— In a shocking turn of events, the Giants score an offensive touchdown! Less shocking, it’s Odell Beckham who scores it. For his celebration, he crawls on all fours and lifts his leg like a dog pissing, earning a flag for unsportsmanlike conduct.

And whatever, that’s part of the cost of doing business with a physical genius, but when Beckham scores again a few minutes later on an incredible one-handed catch, he raises a solitary fist in protest. And y’all, I don’t want to be Grumpy Old Columnist, but Beckham’s messaging priority is perhaps less than ideal here. “Okay, pretend to be a dog taking a piss — check. Up next: racial equality!”

The only explanation that makes any sense is that the first celebration was a reference to Trump’s “son of a bitch” comment. Regardless, the world was so much better when he was making out with a kicking net.

— Deshaun Watson does it again:

Deshaun Watson is just insane, man. @battleredblog http://pic.twitter.com/Po9IPRdBgf

— Clay Wendler (@ClayWendler) September 24, 2017

The Texans are running the ball with the lead in Pats territory with only 2:30 remaining in the game. Could the Pats lose this? The telecast cuts to Bob Kraft up in his suite, his mouth agape and forehead scrunched, like a billionaire trying to understand what starving people could be mad about.

But no, the Texans are stoned on third-and-one, and kick a field to go up 33-28. They are 100 percent about to lose this game.

— With 55 seconds remaining, the Bears punt on fourth-and-two just short of midfield with the score tied at 17. On the one hand, I respect the decision to remove the responsibility for victory from Mike Glennon’s hands. On the other: COWARDS.

A WILD FLURRY TO END THE GAMES

— The Patriots get the ball back with about 2:30 to play. Tom Brady converts the following into first downs: second-and-20, third-and-12, third-and-18. On the next play after the third-and-18 conversion, Brady finds Brandin Cooks for a toe-tap touchdown with 23 seconds remaining.

— Trailing by four, the Lions have entered the red zone, then exited it on penalties. Matt Stafford is incomplete on 1st and 30, but defensive holding on second-and-30 gives the Lions a first down and new life. Pass interference a few plays later gives them first-and-goal on the 1. Golden Tate scores a touchdown with 8 seconds left! The Lions are gonna win!

— In overtime, Tarik Cohen scores on a long run to seal the game for the Bears. Both my kids are up now, and my daughter is going around the apartment yelling, “DING-DONG! TRICK OR TREAT!” A few minutes later, Jordan Howard scores from 19 yards out to re-seal the game for the Bears, and whatever context there was for Cohen NOT scoring a touchdown is lost. Could I look up the box score to see what happened? Sure, but it’s more fun to have it LOST TO HISTORY.

— The Texans’ final prayer goes unanswered, as Watson’s Hail Mary is intercepted in the end zone.

— Wait, what?!? The Lions LOST? Tate’s TD is overturned, and the game is over. Just a BRUTAL blow for my fantasy team, and also the Lions.

Kevin Seifert of ESPN explained why it was the right call, but to me it doesn’t look like there was enough evidence to overturn the call. As swings of luck go, this should even things out for Tate, who caught the Fail Mary for the Seahawks ... wait a second ... FIVE YEARS AGO TO THE DAY. SpoOOOoOoOooOOookyyyyyy!

Sorry, I’ve been reading lots of Halloween books to my daughter.

— Eagles attempt a 61-yarder in a vain attempt to avoid overtime. Odell Beckham is back to catch a potential miss and … IT’S GOOD! HOLY MAMULA! MANNINGFACE FOR EVERYONE.

LATE GAMES, FIRST HALF

— After the hypodermic of adrenaline that ended the early games, the late slate has a whopping three contests: Chiefs-Chargers, Seahawks-Titans, and Bengals-Packers. If the NFL can push Seahawks-Titans to a late start, why not do it with two other games that start in the Central Time Zone? Push Bucs-Vikings and Browns-Colts to the second slate of games, and they won’t get lost in the early shuffle. “America’s Game of the Week” notwithstanding, I will never understand why the NFL doesn’t try to balance this more. It’s bad and I hate it.

— Kids change SO FAST when they’re young. Physical and linguistic milestones whiz past seemingly every week; go a month without seeing someone’s toddler, and you’re bound to meet an entirely new kid.

That said, this was my son’s favorite game in June, when he was just over a year old:

Fatherhood: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

A post shared by Matt Ufford (@mattufford) on Jun 18, 2017 at 5:38pm PDT

It is more than three months later, and he’s STILL doing this. Just smashing his face into the couch or any soft chair like it’s the best thing in the world. (*slowly crosses off “engineer” on list titled FUTURE CAREERS*)

— Tyreke Hill has already scored a TD, on a great pass by Alex Smith. It’s still super-weird to see Smith throw deep with confidence, or at all.

— Davante Adams fumbles just short of the end zone, and Aaron Rodgers does a nice job of preventing a Bengals touchdown on the return. After review, though, Adams is ruled down and the Packers have first-and-goal inside the 1. Lance Kendricks gets wide open on play-action and catches the touchdown, tying the game at 7 in Green Bay.

— Our neighbors have come over because we made too much dip and guacamole, and there are now four kids under three years old in my two-bedroom apartment. The math sounds bad, but it’s not: their kids are younger than ours — a 2-year-old daughter and a newborn — and anyway, they’re a delight. In 13 years of living in New York City (in six different apartments), I’ve never had good neighbors before. When we eventually move, I’m bringing them with us.

— On a Titans third-and-10, Marcus Mariota sails a pass that gets picked off by Kam Chancellor. Richard Sherman, though, gets flagged for pass interference (ticky-tack in my opinion, but I’m not an objective viewer). He also gets flagged for holding on the return (also ticky-tack), then tears off his helmet to argue with the refs, earning a misconduct foul (definitely warranted). The penalties cost the Seahawks possession and 30-40 yards of field position. After several more penalties, Tennessee kicks a field goal to go up 3-0.

This is fine. Everything’s fine. This column will not be me yelling about the Seahawks every week. (*jaws clench so hard my head vibrates*)

— Y’all, we need to talk about the most nonchalant human being on the planet:

To make matters worse for the #lions. The food is on fire at Ford Field by the locker room. http://pic.twitter.com/aLFNDj4kc3

— Evan Jankens (@KINGoftheKC) September 24, 2017

That lady has straight-up ICE WATER in her veins. “Oh, a fire as tall as I am? (yawn) Not really much I can do here. Let’s just close the— yep, open this other door to get that closed. Anyway, let me know if it’s still there after my break.” She’s the Daenerys Targaryen of concession workers.

— Philip Rivers has thrown his THIRD interception, and it’s barely the second quarter. Every time I look at him, I just think, “Eight kids, man. EIGHT. KIDS.” That HAS to define his entire life. Like, when was the last time he took his family to a restaurant? Never, right? I have two kids that are relatively well-behaved; my wife and I have taken them to restaurants three times this year: brunch twice (one disaster, one white-knuckle balancing act), and dinner once (only a success because the pizza place had just opened and there was no one else there). We have no desire to take them out again. Maybe in another year or so.

I guarantee you the youngest Rivers children are being raised by their siblings. Nobody parents that well past three kids.

— The Bengals have dominated offensively so far. They’re up 14-7 on Gio Bernard’s short catch for a TD ... No, make that 21-7. Rodgers throws a pick-six — only the second of his career — to William Jackson.

That’s mind-blowing. This is Rodgers’ TENTH season as a starter, and that’s only his second career pick-six? Matt Schaub once doubled that in a month.

— Richard Sherman, who has apparently lost his damn mind, earns a flag for a late-ish hit on Mariota.

FWIW here is when Sherman hit Mariota http://pic.twitter.com/WTeBy9IrHC

— Ben Baldwin (@guga31bb) September 24, 2017

Taylor Lewan immediately gets up in Sherman’s face, and I think he gets flagged too, but my daughter has come up to me saying, “I want to be an animal. I want to see a jellyfish.” Is Richard Sherman ejected? What’s happening? “I want to see a jellyfish.”

Goddammit. Okay, sweetie. Let’s watch some f**king jellyfish.

youtube

“What’s that?” she says, pointing at my laptop screen.

“It’s a jellyfish, sweetie. These are all jellyfish.” Richard Sherman is still in the game. The Titans kick a field goal, 6-0.

— My son’s other obsession tonight — besides smashing his face into the couch — is the hokey-pokey. He’s no good at putting his hand in and shaking it all about, but he DOMINATES at turning around. He spins around in circles until he careens left and crashes into the credenza. He thinks it’s hilarious. He is correct.

— Stop me if you’ve heard this one: the Seahawks have a third-and-long, leading to a Russell Wilson sack. With the Seahawks missing their top two special teamers, Adoree’ Jackson takes the ensuing punt back for a score ... but it gets called back on a block in the back, yet another ticky-tack call. LET ‘EM PLAY, REFS.

After doing little on offense for 28 minutes, the Seahawks and Titans come alive inside the two-minute drill, with the Seahawks engineering a quick touchdown drive before the Titans kick another field goal to go into the locker room up 9-7.

— Rodgers is sacked again near the end of the half, and the Bengals call timeout to force the Packers to punt ... but the punt is muffed! The Packers recover, but the clock runs out during the scramble for the ball. Y’know, looking back on this play, I probably didn’t need to write this paragraph.

LATE GAMES, SECOND HALF

— On Sundays, the kids are supposed to take a bath together, but they’ve got their own ideas about that; my son refuses to sit down, and my daughter screams “I’m not ready yet!” any time we pick her up. So, separate baths.

At one point, as both kids cry, I see the referees signal TDs for Seahawks and Packers, but not the touchdowns themselves.

— The Seahawks defense looks tired. The tackling on Rishard Matthews’ 55-yard TD is pitiful (and, ahem, aided by the tight end tackling Kam Chancellor from behind, I REGRET ASKING FOR LESS OFFICIATING), and they’re similarly flat-footed on Jonnu Smith’s 24-yard score that puts the Titans up 23-14.

— Following a sack on third-and-seven, the Bengals miss a field goal. They still lead 21-14, but now it looks tenuous.

— The Seahawks never look close to completing a third-and-11; they are now 2/10 on third downs. Before they punt, RedZone clicks back to Bengals-Packers.

I see it on Twitter first: DeMarco Murray has scored on a 75-yard run. It’s a little after 6:30; my kids will be going to bed in the next half-hour. I pause the TV. “Actually,” I say to my wife, then turn the TV and cable box off completely as a way of finishing the sentence. “But can you still pick up where you paused?” my wife asks. “Nope,” I say, and that’s the point, because I’m a dumb baby who hates watching his stupid football team.

— My daughter, who refused to eat dinner at the prescribed hour, is finally eating her spaghetti as long as I’m reading the same four godforsaken Halloween books I’ve been reading to her for the last two days. My wife got those books out of the closet when she was in there to get something else and she “just happened to see them.” There are five weeks until Halloween. In a month, this column might be about divorce.

— I put the kids to bed at 7:00, and turn the TV back on. The Seahawks have the ball and trail 33-20 with about 8:30 left, which means this will be just stupid enough to keep me watching as the Seahawks lose by one score. Almost immediately, Seattle’s dangerous-looking drive gets blown up by intentional grounding, setting up third-and-29, then fourth-and-22.

They go for it. It’s a ... Hail Mary into the end zone?

Seahawks just whiffed on a three-man rush on 4th and 22. Wilson had about .7 seconds to throw. Embarrassing.

— Robert Klemko (@RobertKlemko) September 24, 2017

The half-moon of regret that is the Seahawks offensive line. Couldn't protect for four seconds against a three-man rush on fourth-and-22. http://pic.twitter.com/kSVeZGLUjh

— Bill Barnwell (@billbarnwell) September 24, 2017

That Barnwell tweet is all I need this season. Finally, a nickname for an utterly unworthy unit. The Half-Moon of Regret. Might not be as catchy as Legion of Boom, but I’m determined to make it stick.

— TV back on, Seahawks have the ball and trail 33-20 with 8:30 left. With just under 8:00 remaining, RW intentional grounding, 3rd and 29.

— KC still up 17-10. What the shit? Have they just been playing backgammon for the second half?

— Some good endings brewing: the Packers are in the two-minute drill down seven; Chargers down seven with the ball and four minutes remaining. The Seahawks have just scored to cut the lead to six, but need an onside kick for any realistic hope.

— Rivers sacked on third-and-10 by Justin Houston, and Kansas City easily recovers the onside kick. But hey! We still have excitement in Green Bay: first-and-goal for the Packers with 30 seconds.

— Jordy Nelson scores his second touchdown of the game. Big ups to Jordy for being questionable all week after last week’s zero-catch scratch. That way he could produce zero points for my fantasy team last week and make me gun-shy enough to bench him this week. THANKS FOR TWO KINDS OF NOTHING.

Green Bay kicks the PAT to go to overtime, even though Mike McCarthy ALWAYS loses the toss, then watches as the game ends without Aaron Rodgers ever touching the ball in OT. It’s so good to see a coach refuse to adapt or take chances or learn from his mistakes in any way. I think it’s great that he’s singe-handedly prevented the best quarterback of all time from winning more than one championship. Give him a lifetime contract, I say, so he can be mediocre forever.

Whatever, I’m all for Cincinnati-Green Bay going to overtime, because I always want more of any game called by Tony Romo. No one this new to a job should be THIS good at it.

Tony Romo is so good, I'm glad CBS finally gave Jim Nantz a broadcast partner who wasn't a talking block of marzipan

— BUM CHILLIPS (@edsbs) September 24, 2017

— The Packers, after losing the coin toss (of course) miraculously force the Bengals to punt. Facing third-and-10 from his own 22, Rodgers hits Geronimo Allison deep on a free play, because that’s what Aaron Rodgers does: murder you on free plays. Allison winds his way inside the Bengals 10-yard-line, and this one’s over.

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