#ihadtotho

[backofthejazzbus]

I did a thing..... #instantregret #ihadtotho #imissitalready

[melissayahurd]

A bit of a rant.

Oi, I need somewhere to vent, and why not vent on Tumblr. 

ANYYWAAAAY.

So, I was going through my "other" folder on Facebook, and god, why? It was just.. too much. It was bittersweet. So many people saying I inspired them, and that I was so beautiful. ETC. But how did I inspire anyone? I literally walked out of a shed and said "it is what it is", "I suppose" 90923 times, and "sorry I'm not Barbie" FIRST mistake was, lying. ALWAYS be honest. LORT HAVE MERCY on anyone who thinks anything you have can be built up on a  lie. Because, it can't. I have too many "catfish relationships" to prove that theory wrong. SECOND mistake, taking my dirty laundry to MTV. I should have known better. I went into it thinking I could share my story, about abuse, my mothers death, my self harm etc. etc. Anyone who even remotely knows me knows that I am a kind hearted person, for the most part. THIRD, here's a tumblr EXCLUSIVE story. I kept Catfishing after the show. I thought that the show was going to help me stop, but honestly, since that didn't go the way I planned, I said, WHY THE HELL NOT. Well, here's why.... little bit of back story. i did actually stop for a bit, like over a year. and then started back. ANYWAY. I started talking to this guy, and it was kind of like, a flirting thing, I had recently went through a pretty bad breakup, and felt like I needed "that" attention. Well, fast forward, almost a year, and I was still leading this poor guy on. AND I HATE THAT. I hate myself the most for hurting this one guy impreticular. Because, literally, he was the picture perfect man. If I needed anything, it was taken care of. Whether it be, monetary, emotional, motivational support, etc. Well, fast forward, and I was like "AYE BAE, DIS AIN'T ME THO" Because, regardless in my mind, if you're in love with someone, and you want something bad enough, you can make it work. But, sadly, it didn't. I literally shattered his heart, and mine too. It's been about 3 months I've been Catfish-free. And, though its hard, I'm not going to do it again. Because after I confronted said guy ^, he told me "you should have just told me from the beginning, because you're beautiful". WELL GOT DAMN, if I would have had just an ounce of self esteem, I wouldn't have broken my heart of his. I know now that he is happy with some other girl, irl. and it makes me so happy, and so sad. Being 21 now, it's time for me to face up to all of this, it's time for me to move on. I will not be breaking any hearts in near future. I hope that one day, even if its 90 years from now, he'll forgive me. But, i can't expect that. I can't expect anything from anyone. I've wronged so many people. And, now its time to treat everyone with the respect, and honesty they deserve, hell, I've come a long way.

/endrant