#ihaveneverwroteanythinglikethisbefore

[poopman14]

two weird roommates who share a room together invite a coworker over to couch surf one night, the coworker isnt really feeling it but is desperate. at work the two roommates talk about their mouse problem and how just a lot of weird shit has been happening to them but the excuse are getting ridiculous like, "the mouse took my glasses!" "why would a rat take your glasses?" "you have to believe me!" and the manager is getting mad because they're late to like all of their shift lately and already weird. they act like weird twins and just stay to themselves but they overhear their coworker talking to a peer about needing a place to stay so theyre like: 👁️👄👁️ you can stay at our place henry (they speak in unison sometimes) and harry is like: absolutely the fuck not, also you have a rat problem

their like: no man its not even a huge deal , yeah man come stay etc etc. so harry says yes and then that night he goes to the apt and its like mostly okay but he notices the apt is a one bedroom and they are two grown amab people and he is like: wow i wonder if they're gay... but essentially they have dinner and a couple beers and hear some weird noises in the walls and just mouse noises (whatever noise a mouse makes) and they're like: god that mouse is so annoying , just all day this is all it is and then getting into shit

and so whatever they're about to sleep and they pull out the couch for harry and both roommates go into their shared bedroom and harry wonders whats gayer, a bunk bed or a full sized bed that they share ( he says out loud)

and so he turns off the light and can kinda hear the rat just making noises in the wall but he just ignores it and is on his phone, he then sees a HUGE shadow RUN into the kitchen like hunched? and so he turns on a light and goes into the kitchen and doesnt see anything and just decides hes been on his phone too much and turns off the light and goes to lay on the couch and turn into the couch and after awhile he gets this weird feeling and turns to the living room and sees a guy just like going through his bag and he starts yelling and tackles him

and so the roommates leave their bedroom (they are wearing matching pjs???) and is like: OMG WHATS GOING ON???

harry: THIS GUY BROKE IN AND IS GOING THROUGH MY SHIT DUDE

guy who lives in walls *pinned down but looks very annoyed*: um i didnt break in

roommate 1: what do you mean you didnt break in?

guy who lives in walls: uhhh, i literally live in the walls *rolls his eyes and clears throat to harry* will you get up?

harry *literally in shock but sputters* DUDE WHAT- NO YOU JUST TRIED TO GO THROUGH MY SHIT AND YOU LIVE IN THE WALLS OR SOMETHING?? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN???

guy who lives in walls: i was looking for something cute but i can see why your ex broke up with you, who owns 8 star wars shirts? *harry, embarrassed gets up and huffs and stands there folding his arms* ALSO yes i literally live in the walls, its really not even that deep yall are dramatic *he gets up and brushes off his pants*

roommate 2: are... are those my pants?

guy who lives in walls:

roommate 1: thats my shirt!

harry is literally just staring at him and them and cannot believe what is going on

the pair™️: OUR GLASSES!!!

harry and the guy who lives in the walls: what

roommate 1 (top): yeah me and them share glasses cause it just saves money *roommate 2 (bottom) nods aggressively*

harry: how is that saving money? do you guys even have the same prescription?

roommate 2: no, but if one of us just takes the eye exam the other ones eyes will adjust eventually *roommate 1 nods aggressively*

guy who lives in the walls leans to harry and whispers audibly while harry is literally blinking trying to understand what is happening: yeah they literally ALWAYS act like that

harry: PLEASE GET AWAY YOU LITERALLY ARE LIVING IN SOMEONES WALLS AND STEALING THEIR CLOTHES YOURE JUST AS WEIRD AND MEAN! *is pained over his 8 star wars t shirts*

roommate 1: how long have you even lived in the walls anyway?

guy who lives in the walls: probably the 5th of september at 12:32pm. *he is scowling and stares at the roommates with disgust*

harry: that is too specific, why would you say it like that, and not a month ago

guy who lives in the walls: UM you are not the one being accused of being a fucking RAT??? imagine being called ugly, fat, and disgusting like every day

harry: YOU LITERALLY LIVE IN THE WALLS

guy who lives in the walls: its new york sweetheart, i pay my rent like EVERYONE else, also you are literally couch surfing so you should reflect on your situation before coming at ME! *he huffs, rolls his eyes, and sits on the end chair and gets on his phone, over it*

the roommates are just standing around thinking until roommate 2 speaks up: you know, it kind of makes sense

harry: HOW DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE? *he motions to them and then to guy living in walls* THERES A GROWN MAN LIVING IN YOUR WALLS, YOU TWO ARE WEARING MATCHING PJs, AND YOU SHARE ONE ROOM AT 26??? THERES NOTHING NORMAL ABOUT THIS, DOES NO ONE HAVE QUESTIONS?

harry is clearly distraught and literally heaving and sweating. roommate 2 speaks up after a couple moments: ...whose been eating our clothes?

guy who lives in the walls twiddles his fingers in the air from his phone and smiles: yep thats me babe! :)

roommate 1: and nibbling holes into our malt o meal boxes?

guy who lives in the walls: yep!

harry: WHO EVEN EATS MALT O MEAL IN 2023

roommate 2: and leaving small pieces of poop around in weird places that arent humanly possible?

they all look at guy who lives in the walls, who looks shocked and offended: I pay rent like everyone else, also the bathroom is in the bedroom and you guys just do weird shit

*harry has dream montage of him walking in and seeing them with no bed, just standing there staring at each other and holding onto each others arms and speaking in tongues*

guy who lives in walls shudders. harry is still in disbelief and is staring at the roommates: how are you not seeing a full GROWN MAN scurrying around the fucking apartment????

they shrug and roommate 1 sheepishly looks down: when we dont have our glasses its hard to see, so we just thought it was a big rat 😍 idk

harry:

harry:

harry: SO YOUVE SEEN HIM? THIS WHOLE TIME YOUVE SEEN A GROWN MAN COMING OUT FROM THE WALL AND DOING THIS AND YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A RAT? WHAT FUCKING RAT IS 6FT TALL-

roommmate 2: in our defense he was HUNCHED and SCURRYING

harry: ITS A MAN, HE DOESNT EVEN HAVE ANY HAIR, HE LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING TWINK

guy who lives in the walls: um im a top for your information

they turn to him at once and speak in unison: no *they turn back*

harry at this point is tired and sits on the couch and at this point isnt even suprised but curious: who are you even paying rent to?

guy who lives in the walls: the same people they pay, obvi

harry doesnt even ask and throws his hands up: literally i dont even know why i asked, this has been so fucking weird like-

guy who lives in the walls: yeah you're telling me, theyve been calling me a rat for like a month and still having gay sex in the kitchen when im just trying to get some malt o meal *he laughs and looks at harry like "you know what i mean?" harry looks at him like he has no skin on and shakes the entire thought from his head while the roommates are yelling about how "WHATS WRONG WITH YOU" and "YOU SICK BASTARD" roommate 2 is ashamed and covering their parts over their pjs

harry: i cant believe i agreed to come here

guy who lives in the wall stands: welp, its been real, its been fun, but it wasnt real fun :/. *he slaps harry on the shoulder and turns to walk past the roommate to a random part of the wall* i have a grindr date coming over in 30 so i need to get ready, but im glad we all had a lil bitch sess and got it all out! 😃 *points to harry before turning to the wall* also if you ever want a gf again, dont ever wear a stars wars shirt again!

guy who lives in the walls proceeds to rams into the wall so hard that it breaks and he just walks into all the piping and leaves covered in plaster

they are all staring and harry is crying into his hands

harry: i- i cant even say anything else

roommate 1: i was wondering how he was getting in.. and that weird hole in the bedroom...

roommate 2: i forgot to ask for the glasses...