greattopcarservices-blog

[fatmaclover]

do you think mac and charlie have ever been sat together getting high looking at the stars or just chilling together or whatever. do you think mac always wants to talk about his queer identity. hes always so desperate to be seen, to be heard, to be understood in his own way.

i think charlie would be hesitant. every time mac wants to talk about how he feels in relation to his identity, charlies always shutting it down. "no, dude, dont press that gay shit on me"

but like. mac wears charlie down eventually. keeps insisting on wanting to speak about it, to use charlie as a wall to bounce feelings and thoughts off of. to find the correct words or mediums or images to understand himself better. to have his friends, his family, those he loves, to understand him better.

not to mention his best friend.

so charlie relents. "fine, fine, whatever. lets just get it over with"

and its a long talk. charlie listens for hours as mac explains his struggles with being a man, his self image, his relationship towards women, womanhood, femininity, masculinity, how confusing it all is. how weird it is to figure out what balance he is of what, how he relates to it all. how its such a struggle to just.... find his place.

and charlies really listening here- and theres some really potent stuff. like, yeah, all this stuff is confusing. whys mac bringing it up like its not supposed to be? is it not supposed to be confusing? are you not supposed to feel utterly baffled when youve been pushed to just sit down and think about why youre attracted to what. why you feel certain ways about certain things. why youre comforted by what youre comforted by. why youre made uncomfortable by so much normal stuff.

"isnt... everyone confused by stuff like that?" charlie asks, taking another huff of whatever near-lethal substance the two had gotten their hands on.

"are you?" mac returns.

"well- of course i am. its all so weird."

and theres a long pause between them. they both take a moment to get a couple more huffs in, and mac finally breaks the silence.

"i was always under the impression that people who werent gay never really thought about it."

"well- im not gay, and ive thought about it." of course charlies defensive. this is really vulnerable and sensitive stuff.

"well- sure. you might not be gay, but- i mean- the crossdressing thing man. cmon."

"thats not weird!" charlies hackles are immediately raised. "ive told you- i- i had a single mother, and-"

mac grabs charlies shoulders, looking into the brown eyes in front of him.

"im not saying its weird. i dont think its weird, charlie."

its another long moment of silence. charlie doesnt know how to respond, the world felt like it was crumbling a little.

too high for this.

"i- i guess-" macs voice was like a knife, the way it cut through the nightly city noise. "i just want you to know, that i think its okay, if its complicated for you, too. and that im not gonna be stupid and shame you for it being complicated."

another beat of silence, only broken by a car alarm going off in the far distance.

"i-... yeah. okay man, sure." charlie responds, simply relaxing into macs hold.

its a pretty quiet night, from then on, but it isnt like much needs to be said.

charlie can at least feel a little bit safer in her best friends arms.