#im going to be so annoying!!! i have been disassociating all week and miserable for almost three weeks

[lupismaris]

Less than two hours till we spend the evening with Nathaniel Rateliff & the Night Sweats (💕) and Uncle Willie Nelson & Family (!!!)

Yes I bought fresh pre rolls for this yes I will be properly medicated before hand and during yes we will be bringing very large bottles of water to fill up while we are there because it had to be the hottest fuck off Day of the goddamn year so far

I'm going to be very annoying tonight

Just for the record

[consiouslycohsee]

brain explosion #1

I recently attended a talk from a BBC employee who discussed career opportunities within the BBC. This was extremely inspiring and lead to me wanting to start a blog. I think I may upload every month with a recap of the month, my feelings, etc. This also could be apart of the content creation process which is needed for the job. Having my own content for university is one thing, but it is not enough – I need to have my own creations from my free time.

I am not going to plan anything at the moment I am just going to write and see what comes out. Maybe I will post this somewhere, or maybe I wont? I don’t know. I need to create my own stuff but I don’t know what, I’m not really passionate about something at the moment. I could help with my mums Instagram about Puglia, but maybe that’s too much of a niche market, but what else is there? I need a hobby, I need a passion. But what?

The only thing that’s keeping my busy these days is university, which I forget about as soon as the lesson has ended, and binging Netflix. I am trying to distract myself constantly so I don’t acquire any thoughts that may stress me out. I have been experiencing depersonalisation and disassociation for a few weeks now, and it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. It’s mild at the moment, just a back thought that is always lingering. My body doesn’t feel like my own, looking at my reflection is horrible.

Everyday is the same now a days, I wake up, get dressed, take my dog out, watch Netflix all day, wait for my mum to come home from work, eat dinner, watch Netflix, go to sleep. The same, everyday, its so boring and it feels like my life is being thrown away, but at the same time, what else is there to do? Nothing, theres a pandemic. Everything is shut, we are encouraged to stay at home, so what can I do to be productive and not just wither away everyday. Its giving me a constant headache. Showers are not wanted, unless my hair is dirty. If my hair didn’t get dirty, I wouldn’t get a shower, isn’t that terrible.

I’m fed up and stressed. I’m stressed about my days being unproductive, I’m stressed about my future – what happens after I graduate in a few months? What then? I seem to be applying for SO many jobs, and I am getting no where with it, what do they need me to do? I have experience, I have a degree, it’s very annoying that I am not getting anywhere. I want to move into the real world and be able to move out, have a job. But this seems impossible, I don’t know what I am going to do, its making me miserable.

Wow I didn’t expect to be writing this much its just all coming out. Do I want to post this? I can be anonymous no one will know its me, its just somewhere to let all my feelings out. I wish I could write like this in university, all my modules feel the same, I get information from offline, not understanding what it means. It doesn’t feel like I’m learning anything, im just getting information in order to write an assignment to get a grade. I hate that I am leaving university and it feels like I have gained no real knowledge.

Anyways, maybe using this for a portfolio isn’t the best idea. The reality of life is settling in with the fact that I may never be truly happy with my career, I want to travel. How can I travel if I’m stuck behind a desk? In a warehouse or somewhere so dim with no life. I want to just keep travelling forever, be away from England. England makes me so miserable. Its so grey, constantly grey. I need sun, I need friends. God I am lonely, I need good friends. I look at people’s instagrams, celebs, etc. and I am uspet that they have such good families and friends in place, to help them, to talk to them. I have no one. Well I have one friend, but she’s got lots of other friends. How do I get new friends? I don’t know, am I too old to make new friends?

I am independent, and its great, I like my own company. But sometimes, I just want someone’s company, but then when I get company, I get annoyed, and I want them to leave. What is wrong with me? Why cant I just be comfortable? Ugh.

I watch shows and I get attached, I cant just watch a show and enjoy it. At the moment its Superstore. I have to know about the actors, watch the interviews, follow instagrams, I don’t know why? I had a big addiction to greys anatomy for a while, I’m out of it at the moment, but I think I will probably end up binging it again soon. When I go on walks with my dog in the morning, my imagination is wild, I don’t ever think about my own life. I imagine I am a child of a celebrity, I am always a boy, not a girl. What does that mean? Don’t even want to get into gender identity, I just push it back. Don’t let the emotions and thoughts approach the surface. As I said, push the emotions back with constant distractions!!

Anyways, I am tired now. This was nice to write, I haven’t really been able to express my thoughts and emotions, they just gather up in my brain. So writing them down helps massively. I don’t want to talk about certain things in real life, to my friends, or to my mum. I don’t think I will get taken seriously, why is mental health not taken seriously? Its all good when its physical injury. I don’t know. I have a headache from using my brain for the first time in forever, ok. Bye!