#im going to try to sleep now. fuck food. i hope tmrw is just as busy and its good again.

[onepiexe]

today was sooo busy

[dfwemelie]

May 2019

May 1st, nothing really that special happened today. We made icecream in Culinary and Carlos got really excited cause their were sugar cones. Izzy ate the most icecream out of all of us and hes lactose intolerant so he was hurting afterwards.

May 2nd, I was really stressed out this motning cause I havent finished my dress for the Fashion show tomorrow and it was raining and thundering. I had to stay after school for Fashion till 4 and I stayed with Scott after that until 5:30. I like staying after with him. We just makeout and talk and get paranoid about cars passing by. I think today we made out for 25 minutes straight which is a new record lol. He tops himself every fucking time and it’s so hot. Like holy shit because makeout sessions ever.

May 3rd, today was the fashion show and I was really stressed out at first but I ended up finishing my dress. The problem was that it was extremely short so I kept having to pull it down so you wouldnt be able to see my shorts under it. Seth and Aj were their watching their girlfriends and both of them took videos of me and sent it to Scotty. He said I looked beautiful. I met Kelly’s mom and sister and they seem really nice. I havent ate since Chickfila this morning and I’m starting to get really hungry/hangry. I might make me food but idk yet.

May 4th, Lots of pain occurred today. I woke up at 7:35 to get ready for the Nami Walk. Once my grandparents picked me up we got to Chickfila and headed to the Sam Houston State Park in Houston. The walk started around 9:30 and we finished at 11 only because my meme and Mrs.Pat walk so slow. It was fun overall but my feet were killing me and the back of my left leg was hurting alot and idk why. After the walk we headed to Galveston to meet up with my family. We stayed at the beach for an hour then went home. I ate a little bit and took a shower and now I’m here. I’m currently watching Thor Ragnarok cause it’s the only Marvel Avengers movie I havent seen.

May 5th, Cincooooo De Mayooooo. I didnt really do anything today besides sleep. I woke up at 3am for no reason then fell asleep. then woke up at 7 then fell back asleep at 1 till 5. I dont think I will br falling asleep early tonight cause I’ve slept so much. Scotty got to drink a margarita and I’m jealous. Also Ghala and Kaylie are so fucking cute and I stan them sooo much.

May 10th, damn. I told myself I would do this more often, bitch I havent done it in 5 days. Let’s talk about yesterday, May 9th. Scotty and I stayed afterschool (nothing new) and he was sitting down and I was ontop of him and we were making out. This BITCH flips me over to the ground, puts his hand down my pants, and…yeah…not actually touching me, just through my underwear. I was very ShOoK by this but I didnt stop him cause it felt really really fucking good. Like I’m not complaining.(I hate the word moaning so I use cake) Lots of cake was happening and he end up getting a boner. He has actually been getting them since we first started staying afterschool and I didnt know lol. I almost ended up having an orgasm but cars kept driving by and I told him if I see a car then he has to stop. I’ve never ever gotten this close with a guy. Not complaining. While cars were going by we kept telling weird sex related stories to eachother. He told me how when he was little his parents used the word dessert instead of condoms when he was around. Then his older brother told him what it meant and he was shook. On his 13th birthday his dad said he had a surprise birthday present in his drawer that didnt get opened at his party. He asked what it was and his dad said dessert. There were condoms in the bottom drawer of his dresser lol. Scotty also told me that he has personally bought different ones to use for future purposes. Now listen, I know its gonna be with me. I want our first times to be with eachother. That sounds strange but I love him and I want to lol but not now. Scotty wants me to go over to his house on his birthday to meet his parents. He also wants his birthday present from me to be us doing it. I said that’s not happening for a long ass time cause it’s too early and I’m not ready yet, even though I want him to be my first.

Different topic lol. Yesterday we got hit with some really bad weather and it fucked up my sleep schedule. I fell asleep at like 9pm then woke up at 11 then woke up at 2 then stayed awake till 4:30 then woke up at 5 then work up at 11. Like wtf??

May 12th, wow get ur shit together lol, do this more. Its official, I will be going over to Scott’s house if I get my gas laws homework packet done. My mom thinks I’m going over to Kaylies house, I hope she buys it. Im extremely nervous about meeting his parents, I’m hoping I’ll make a good first impression. Ive never met a boyfriends parents before so idk what to expect. I sent Kaylie a bunch videos about me deciding on what I’m gonna wear. I’ve decided on curled hair, light natural makeup, my blue ripped Jean’s, and either a red or blue shirt. I dont know how to act ugghhh.

Today I went over to my grandparents house and it was okay ig. My cousin Coleson came over and I was excited about that. He is my favorite cousin by far. I played basketball and ate food. I also drove from their house and back twice and I did pretty good. I wish I could talk to Scott but I dont want to interrupt his time with his mom cause it is Mothers day after all.

May 13th, I feel sick sksksks. like a vomit kind of sick and I feel like my limbs are weak and they are kinda shaking. It’s making me scared asf. I hope it will go away soon. I dont like feeling like this cause it gives me really bad anxiety and makes me have anxiety attacks. I’ve been getting alot of anxiety and panic attacks since sophmore year started

May 16th, Wow I really need to start doing this more often. Yesterday was Scott and I’s one month and he made a really cute video and I love it so much. I am still super nervous about Sunday, for alot of reasons. First I gotta meet his parents and idk how im gonna do that. I don’t know how to act or anything. Also Scott said its a shoes off house and I don’t want them seeing the cuts on my ankles. I’ll try to wear socks that cover them, I mean im gonna have to since i also wanna cover my 2 ankle tattoos. Also Scott says he wants to have sex. I don’t know if im ready for that yet. I’ve been thinking about it alot, mostly what would go wrong. Of course we would use condoms but they are only effective 98% of the time. I’m mainly worried about if I am gonna get pregnant or not. I can’t get pregnant. My life would be over. I’m saying this now, which is very contriversal, I would have an abortion. Yes its a human person who probably deserves to live but I just cant do that. I cant be pregnant. I don’t want to focus on all the bad stuff about sex, but the good stuff too. It supposedly has alot of health benefits. I don’t know how to do it though. Like I know how, but at the same time I don’t. Ya know? I also think we should wait to do it but in Scotts words, “I don’t plan on breaking up with you ever so we arent gonna get the opportunity to do it for a long time. So why not do it now when its gonna happen eventually.” I think im gonna do it. Talking about it makes me feel less nervous and weve been talking about it more and more since his birthday is in like 3 days. I want to talk to Kaylie about it but im scared she might say its too early. I know shes gonna support me in whatever I do, but I still want her opinion on it. I also nervous about Scott’s parents or siblings knocking on the door while we are in the middle of having sex. Scott always has his door locked which is good for the both of us. I know his older brother wouldnt bother us cause he’s like a cool brother and knows whats going on lol. I hope it doesnt happen but it might, just might be his mom checking up on us. I think im ready. Im nervous, but I want to do it with him. Im not being pressured into doing it by the way. He knows that if i dont want to do it, he won’t try, we would do what we normally do afterschool, but in his bed. 

I should probably talk about what has happened today instead of talking about sex lol. Nothing special really happened. Scott wanted me to go eat lunch with him and I said no. 1. I dont like school lunches, and 2. I don’t want to sit even remotely near Derek, and 3. I don’t eat lol. I kept telling him he should go eat and he said ok. I just layed down on a couch on my phone alone. Felt like old times, when I had no one to sit with so i just listened to emo bitch music. Good times, good times. 

May 17th, I had to take out my nose stud for pictures in Journalism and my piercing closed. At around 10pm I repeirced it with a thumbtack in the wall. I put a part of an earring in so it doesnt close overnight and now I have to sleep like that till I can go to the mall tmrw and get some more.

May 18th, I went to the mall and got some new piercings. I got a black star, blue ball, black hoop, purple gem, silver star, and a skull. I'm wearing the black hoop right now since it's my favorite. The skull makes me look emo lol. I'm really nervous about going to Scott's tmrw. Wish me luck

May 19th, Ok so I just got back from Scott's house. When my parents dropped me off they wanted one of them to walk to the door with me. I legit begged them not to. They wanted to make sure at least one parent was home so Scott's mom went out and waved. She also said she was Scott's mom but I dont think my parents thought anything of it since they didnt say anything to me yet about it. I met alot of people like his stepmom, stepdad, mom, all his siblings, some of his cousins, aunt and uncle, grandmas, and dog. His step dad was really funny and made alot of jokes. His step mom and I were talking a bunch about how cute JJ Watt and Tom Holland is and Harry Potter. We had pie and a bunch of us went up to his room and just messed around. His older brothers Damian and Ralph were messing with us and it was funny. My mom decided to be an asshole and picked me up 30 minutes early. I wish I could've stayed longer but Aunt Mandy and her boyfriend James are coming over to watch some wrestling thing. I'm glad I got to see Scott on his birthday. He seemed happy.

May 21st, I texted my mom yesterday about Scott, how we are dating, and how I lied and said I was at his house meeting his parents instead of going to Kaylies house. I thought I would be in really big trouble since I lied but apparently I wasnt. When I went downstairs to talk to them they were just happy i finally opened up and told them something about my personal life lol. They didn't ask that many questions about him which is a good thing cause i dont like questions, they make me feel uncomfortable. They know hes getting his license soon so my dad said we are gonna have to talk about people driving me around, other than Michael and his mom. I think it's just gonna be about not leaving the state and just staying close by to our house. At least I hope that's what it's only gonna be about. Knowing them, they are gonna put a bunch of restrictions. I'm pretty sure they would also want to meet Scotty before he drives me anywhere. They are 100% gonna make fun of him for driving a mini cooper lol, I already do. I'm actually really nervous about him meeting my parents, both sets. Ik I was nervous about meeting his but I think I'm more nervous about him meeting mine. I dont know how anyone is gonna react. Gavin is gonna be all weird and would want to talk alot lol. Gavin likes Scott, I really dont know why. Makes me nervous just thinking about it.

I took Scottys keys in Journalism today lol. It was cool just carrying them around. Made me feel like I actually had my own car even though there is a keychain with Scott's name on it. When he was walking me to class he took them back and I got offended. That's all that's happened so far lol.

May 23rd, I cried myself to sleep last night. Lol what a great way to start an entry. Basically I felt like I ruin everything I touch and somehow I was gonna ruin my relationship with Scott. He tried making me feel better but it didnt really work. Anyways, today has been kinda an off day. I dont know what it is about today, just not a good day. Haven’t been in the best mood since last night, but it’s fine..im fine. Everyone has their off days and I guess today is mine,  

May 24th, Yesterday Scotty was acting kinda weird so I typed him out a little paragraph to at least try to make him happy and all he sent back was "Love you too". I'll admit, it was a little bit frustrating spending all that time on that and getting a short response but its fine.

May 25th, I'm spending the night at Kelly's, well actually I already did. We went night swimming and it was fun. I woke up at 5am cause I was in so much pain and now I'm in even more. I just love bleeding internally and having cramps that make me feel like I'm gonna vomit. I tried looking for some aspirin or advil but I couldnt find any which is just so fucking great for me. Yeah anyways, I'm in alot of pain, feel like I'm go throw up, kill me to end my suffering

May 28th, wow yeah love procrastinating this lol. I had my Journalism and Child Development finals today so basically I did nothing at school. I accidentally stole Scotts key for the entire day and I was lowkey panicking cause I didn't know if I was gonna have the opportunity to give them back. I mainly played on my phone in Journalism. We judged the class Photo Safari and my group got 1st place in two of the categories and got 2nd overall. I was really surprised the portrait of me won cause I don’t think I look that great but apparently the yearbook staff thinks so. Thanks Avery :’) Our child development final was easy. We basically just had to write down about something interesting we learned and 3 jobs associated with child care. After that I got out a piece of paper wrote down everything I was thinking cause I cant actually say it or else I think people would hate me. But I basically wrote how I think Scott doesn't understand how I am feeling and my bipolar and depression and about an Instagram comment about something I really shouldn't be worrying about. Also I was writing on their how I am a stupid piece of shit who doesn’t deserve anything in her life cause she is just gonna fuck it up anyways just like she always does. I got done with that and the bell rang. I went to meet up with Scott and give him his keys then he walked with me for a little bit before he had to go talk to his teacher. Seeing him makes me happy, one of the few things that make me happy in this cruel world anymore. My dad called me and told me I had to get all of my work done tonight or else I would get my phone taken away all summer. I just don’t have the motivation to do this or anything for that matter. I’m gonna fucking fail anyways, might as well just deal with it. 

I don’t feel anything anymore. No pain. No happiness. I am simply just...here. Maybe that's why I do it. To feel something...anything. I don’t care if it gives me pain I just want to feel human again. 

Anyways. goodbye. Ig ill see ya in the next entry if im not already dead yet.

May 29th, today overall has been pretty good. I helped Cameron, Drew, Kaleb, Cassie, and others on the Geometry final. Which basically means I gave them all the answers. Cameron was 2 rows away from me so I texted them to him. I also took my Chemistry final today and I already know I failed that bitch. My parents are making me go to summer school for it which is no bueno. After the last bell rang I got to walk with Scott to the back doors. I don't want school to him. I'm gonna miss seeing him everyday. Tomorrow is the last day of school which means it's Izzys last day. I already know damn well I'm gonna fucking cry. I don't want him to leave but hes moving so their is nothing I can do about it. Tomorrow I'm gonna tell him how much of an amazing friend he has been and that everything will get better in the end. I dont want it to be tomorrow.

May 30th, Last day of school and just as I expected, I cried...alot. I didnt have a chance to say goodbye to Izzy like I wanted which made me very upset. I actually liked going to school, just not the learning. Seeing all my friends was the only thing I looked forward to. Now I have nothing. Once Scott gets his license we will be able to hang out but I want that to happen now, not in like a month. I said goodbye to Avery, Kaylie, Carlos, and all my teachers. I'm gonna miss it. But hey, I'm finally a junior. 2 more years then we can move to California. Maybe I'll start looking forward to that. I have to go to summer school and I'm really not excited about that, I know alot of people that are going which kinda makes me feel better ig.

[skin-n-drugs]

i recently got into a relationship & the guy i’m w knows fhat i don’t eat a lot & has been asking me what i’ve eaten & wants to take me to get food which i appreciate bc ik he’s only doing it bc he cares but now it’s starting to get to me bc seeing his face when i tell him i ate makes me so happy. i’ve binged 2 nights in the past 4 days now & i hate myself. i end up wanting to purge but ik that it only makes it worse. i’m trying to be smart about it & eat small portions but by the end of the day all i wanna do is eat everything in the house & we actually have food to eat so it’s making my life really difficult. i’m also starting a new job at a strip club & i want my body to look perfect, i hate the way my body looks when we have sex too & all i want is to be effortlessly skinny. i want to be able to eat without freaking out & worrying about what i’ll look like afterwards. i don’t understand how people can have 3 meals a day w snacks & look perfect. he keeps telling me i’m beautiful but today i just feel like i’m not. i feel fat & ugly & gross. i hate my mother for passing this onto me & everyday i hate her for this. it’s not like having anger issues or depression where it sparks up every once in a while, this is an everyday struggle that sparks up the moment i wake up until the time i go to sleep which is never so that’s miserable. i want to purge so bad. i feel disgusting. ik i can’t tho i’ll wake my mom up. i’ve tried to be so good all day & i was doing fine until he left. once i’m alone i have no one to judge me so i go ham (no pun intended) i’ve literally eaten so much just in the past hour (about a dozen reese’s, thai noodles, popcorn, chips, 2 pickles, a brownie) i fucking hate myself. it’s such an instant regret. the second i put the fork to my mouth i regret it yet i can’t stop myself. why do i have no self control?? i try to rationalize it by saying i haven’t eaten all day it won’t do that much damage or it’s okay i just won’t eat tmrw. i say this every day but the next days always the same. i won’t be around anyone tmrw either & i’m supposed to have dinner w my dad which i forgot about until now fuck. i don’t even understand how anyone can think i’m sexy or hot or cute?? i can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. how do people do this?? I NEED TO BE SKINNY!!!! everyone makes fun of me when i make my ed recipes or barely eat or am picky about anything. if i could live off of coke, alcohol, triple c’s & water i would. the problem with that is that he doesn’t like when i do drugs especially coke which is understandable but i can actually function in public on it & i won’t be hungry, it’s also hella expensive & way addictive so there’s that risk. my hope is that once i start working at the club i’ll lose weight from walking & standing the whole time & maybe someone will offer me coke. tmrw i’m going to walmart & stealing triple c’s. the other problem is my bank account....it’s practically empty & im supposed to be saving for an apartment, my new car, college & driving school & i have about $20 currently. i hate myself. i knew something was going to happen, i was so happy & loved myself & was doing so well, i believed him when he told me i was beautiful bc i was starving myself & everyone tells me how great i look when i do so it’s obviously the right thing to do but somehow i can’t stop eating. why do i do this to myself?? i see the results, i know it works, i know i’m going to regret eating later & i try my hardest to distract myself, curve my hunger & avoid all food. why does it always happen at night. i even avoided a call from him to eat. what the fuck even is fhat???

[diary-iguess]

wahppn

J: nothing bad it was just really hot and i changed clothes twice

wake up 7 o clock for my interview, eat one piece a bread and some orange juice

ace di interview

dem tell me fi fill out the application twice

some yout try sell me a jelly candy

it cant open, but eventually does

Monique forwards

i meet her friend in the painting studio and we go get a box lunch

i sit down and eat the food

im sweating my life away

R: pepper?

J: before meeting the hustling yout, i left my portfolio in the hr office so mi did have to go back for it

no it's just hot af inna kingston

and i was wearing a long sleeve shirt

Paige seh him nah fwd fi di shoot

Thevrtistisjvmvicvn is sitting next to me, but i'm talking more than he

me a wonda how he can go school in full business attire and not become a puddle of sweat

Yanah appears and asks if she can have something nutritious

on campus

like a shake

Juice immediately says no dawg

Juice is working on a mythological drawing, but the paper he's using is trash and i tell him so

he says something about how it will still sharpen his skills and i said he needs watercolor paper if he's going to mix it with watercolor

is my story interesting?

i'm interested in telling a good story

R: I'm more interested in your friend's names

J: thevrtistisjvmvicvn said he wants to be a curator, but hasn't curated any shows yet

i tell him do that shit

lmao

R: Thevrtistisjvmvicvn, Yanah, Monique and Juice

I actually fucking love Juice

Now i know there are places I can't say that out loud

J: i ask my father if he can pick me up because Paige nah forward

he replies hmm

lmao have you seen the film?

my phone is dying and i have no credit because the tuck shop only selling $500 credit today

*back to the story*

i'm telling you this from my laptop

R: What parent says "hmmm"? was this a text?

J: yes

i knowwww

like

can't even K me

wtf

my shoes too big for me, so i stand on them instead of wearing them for a bit

Juice is playing music on his phone and one of the songs is from frank ocean's second project that he released the same time as blonde

my mind is blown

R: That must be some song

J: Yanah returns from the tuck shop with water still disappointed that there is no health food available

more mindblowing that he released two projects at once

i tell theartistisja that i like doing projects with many layers of meaning and process

i talk about my ananse storybook thesis and how i want everyone to know ananse is a deity and amina blackwood meeks taught me that

i say something like "yea, she's rad"

i talk about how the first time i met easton lee, i believed someone when they joked that he was 100 years old

and hoped that he didnt remember when i asked him if it was true

im dying laughing rn

my cousin invites me to sit and do work together at starbucks later

my father sends me a message "M is here, please call her through K-dollasign"

R: googled Easton Lee

J: lmao what did you find? he and my grandmother are friends

they're both legendary chinese-jamaicans

R: I can see he's definitely chinese-jamaican

J: yes and so is my grandma lol

R: author, poet

not bad

1931

J: but no doubt their swagger is enwrapped in their proximity to afro-jamaicanness

wow he's 87 this year

or 86?

M is my grandmother

i message K-dollasign

"i heard grandma M is here"

he replies "makes sense"

but intonates that he was not previously informed

i try to decode my father's message and K-dollasigns response

"makes sense"

he must be referring to Shutterbug's wedding

the same one i wasn't sure i was invited to

R: LOL

wow

are you going?

J: wait nuh man

R: lol

J: okay so i reach home, turn on my laptop

charge my phone

i frantically whatsapp my relatives

fb message uncle Macbook to get in touch w grandma

i try to search the internet for clues as to when this wedding will be

my sister says i should just ask Shutterbug if i can come

so i do that

uncle Macbook replies me with a different number to call, i call, get grandma

she says "no, no, no, you can't come to the wedding, the guests have already been counted and there's too many"

my heart sinks

i say, okay, well i can still see you today?

my cousin Carlton who wants to go to starbucks has arrived at my house

R: woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow

J: i try to devise a plan with Carlton and grandma and my dad all talking at once to pick grandma up and she says something about not wanting to be stranded and i say we would never let that happen to her

the phone isn't working very well and at some point my father has the phone

i return to my whatsapp messages on the laptop and Shutterbug has replied!

"hey, we were overcapacity a few months ago, but there's some space now. if you can make it on sunday, please come"

i tell grandma what she said

"okay, but how are you getting there? and where are you going to stay?"

i had not thought of this second part

the wedding is in mobay

R: MUFUFUFUFU

on a beach

duh

just sleep on the beach and get dressed in someones room in the morrow

J: i quickly say "aunty Rose's"

and she has already said she's very busy today and the plan to see me nah work out

"see you in mobay then!"

okay bye grandma, i love you!

"i love you too sweetheart"

now i have to whatsapp aunty Rose and see if she will shelter me

and K-dollasign to see if i can drive with him

R: funny at points but not a bad day

J: Carlton still deh yah a try reach liguanea fi get some food

the story did not get resolved yet

lol

it wasnt a bad day just long af

R: wait what

J: let me try summarize

R: Well I mean, between Yanah's Healthy snack Crisis and the Wedding Snafu, I thought the day was sealed with you tryna get aunty Rose

J: I was also supposed to meet Pearl at starbucks for 3pm

when Carlton and i pull up to starbucks, Rose a walk up deh too

synchronicity

R: 'the hell? Starbucks is a spot now?

J: that's the culture of the company

im like baffled as to both my grandmother and father asking me if starbucks is an appropriate place to link and do work together

that's how they've been selling the place for at least the last ten years

i order a tall strawberry and cream frappe w coconut milk and Carlton is very excited to get a pumpkin spice frappe, no latte because he doesn't want to burn his tongue

yesterday Pearl showed me a video she edited featuring this black guy with ginger hair, Souffrant

Souffrant appears before us in starbucks and sits at our table

i'm supposed to edit my own video with Pearl's color correction advice, but i'm still trying to figure out my travel situation

before we went to starbucks, we walked to tastees and my mom replied to my frantic messages about grandma and the wedding with "ur not paying attention to what i tell u"

there's like a whole thing where i'm trying to get my cousin Jazz's number to ask if i can go from kingston to mobay with him because K-dollasign is unavailable.

aunty Rose says of course i can stay with her and of course she has Jazz's number

resolve dat, so mi have a place to stay and a drive

there are several unrelated phone calls that need to be made but mi still nah no credit, so i borrow Souffrant's phone

then the next chapter is me, Carlton, and Pearl trying to walk to sov after i finally finish editing my video.

i take some really dope shots of the sunset

pause for incoming illustration

R: i mean

sure

make hay

all of the birds with 1 stone

J: -picture of sov-

R: this is sov

dark

but its sov

J: it's the golden sunset reflecting off the walls

then we all go to kfc and then i try look for some shoes to wear to the wedding, but then mi nuh even know if it's really a beach ting, but never fear, my likkle sister is here to whatsapp me the link to the wedding info website the couple set up!

it's a garden brunch affair ting

so we think to go to lee's instead of payless and when we reach back in fronta payless di people dem close

so now i will go to the thrift store tmrw to cop a whole new fit from the dress to the shoes.

when i reach home my father is going to the airport and grandma (dad's mom, not the one i was tryna see earlier) asks me to come with them which i would have done anyway.

driving back from the airport, grandma's bajan soca music continues to play in the car, but it seems louder now without dad's voice. i try to talk to grandma about herself. i ask about high school. she says, "do you expect me to remember 50 years ago"

i'm like yes of course

she said

"well

i was head girl"

of course! i say

and she was also in charge of sports such as running

the drive back home is very slow because grandma cant really see in the dark

when we finally reach home and i lay inna mi bed, mi wonda why mi so tiyad

and now i know why

thanks for tuning in, this has been an appreciation for the life we live, by Jeana like jeans pants

totes forgot the best part where K-dollasign pulled up on Carlton and me in traffic when we walked back to the plaza to get to the car

then another man pulled up on us and Carlton cuss me jokingly bout how i know everyone and we probably see someone else weh mi know

#fabulous

R: like bloodcleet jeans pants

yea, cause clearly you're a superstar

beer people, links and visits

J: