#im not even talking about back breaking labor just picking up trash and taking care of parks like 3 times a week

[just-one-random-rat]

Something I wrote for our favourite cat lover. Happy Birthday Satan!

Miracle

„I’m a curse.“

Satan’s voice was hushed, his face pressed against the soft skin which stretched over your collar bone. You blinked, trying to push his body away from yours to take a better look at his face, but his grip on you was strong and he didn’t budge. Instead, he just buried his face deeper in your chest, trying desperately to escape from whatever thoughts were plaguing him. Today, on all days. On his own birthday.

„Why would you think that?“

Your voice was just as soft as you brushed your fingers through strands of golden hair, the soft texture tickling your fingertips and the scent of his shampoo filling our nose. You tried to take a look at your lover’s face once again, but he still refused to move even an inch away from your comforting presence. His breathing echoed loudly in the otherwise silent room, the light already dimmed and curtains pulled shut, everything prepared for a good night’s rest. But you boyfriend couldn’t even think of sleeping. Not when his thoughts crashed and coursed through his mind like a wave, ripping every ounce of the tranquility he usually felt when he was with you into deep, dark depths. How did he even deserve somebody as loving and caring as you? Suddenly, he wasn’t sure.

As the storm flooded his mind further the first drops of tears escaped emerald eyes, twinkling like tiny specs of the starry sky hiding behind the closed curtains as they ran down his face to soak into the fabric of your nightshirt. A choked up sob escaped his mouth and he cursed himself for showing you this weak, unsightly side of him. Only your voice ripped him out of the masses of water in which he threatened to drown.

„Satan, talk to me. Why would you think that?“ Your voice was soft and warm, like the beams of sunlight which graced his face when he had time to visit the human realm. It was a stark contrast to the icy cold of the water, grounding him and giving him the opportunity to take a deep breath.

With a shuddering intake of air, he hoisted himself up onto his arms, tearful gaze shying away from your eyes. How could he? How could he look into your eyes when he was a being made out of wrath, all consuming and burning every inch of logical thought as soon as his rage came to light? How could he, burning alive and raging in fire, how could he be drowning at the same time, shivering and shaking when the flames in his heart should be keeping him warm? He didn’t know. Thousands of years of knowledge, of experience, and yet he couldn’t fathom how he was able to be with you, when he was only tainting the shining and shimmering light you were. And how could he be sure that you really loved him?

His answer came in the form of your hands cradling his face, fingers brushing over cheeks to wipe away the teardrops caught in golden lashes and small streams on his skin. The loving look in your eyes was too genuine to ever be fake, the small cease in your eyebrows and the pursing of your lips told a story of their own. Even if his fears weighed him down like stones bound to his feet, he knew deep down that he could trust you. That you, with your angelic voice and laughter that made his heart skip a beat, you with eyes which seemed to hold his entire universe would not leave him because of what he was.

And with a heart-wrenching wail, he broke. He shattered into shambles right into your lap, trusting you to pick him up and put him back together. Trusting you to look at him and see him, the real him, not just the facade of the avatar of wrath which everybody knew. He was laying himself bare in front of you, stripped of all layers of protection. Horns breaking out of skin and tail trashing around behind him, because he couldn’t comprehend the raw truth of the thoughts he was about to share with you.

„Just look at me!“, he demanded, voice breaking and hands pulling on his own hair in desperation. „I am nothing but my sin! I feel like I am not even a person, nothing but a manifestation of Lucifer’s hate towards his father. What am I if not a punishment from god? A reminder to Lucifer that his own wrath which was his downfall was so powerful that he couldn’t contain it in his own body? What am I if not a curse? I should be thankful that they even kept me around, let alone took care of me, if they could have very well just thrown me out as an infant like the wicked creature as which I was born? How can a curse like me love somebody like you?!“

His voice cracked and got quieter as he rambled, ebbing down to a whisper as he ushered the last words. And although the waves crashing in his head seemed to have stopped, the silence which followed his speech was just as deafening as the bottom of the ocean, taking his breath away and crushing his body under tons of pressure. His head was spinning and he could hear his own blood rushing through his body, his heart beating way too fast and way too slow at the same time. He felt like there was water in his lungs and he coughed, sitting up to cover his moth with one hand. Eyes pressed shut, he didn’t want to look at you, afraid that he would see rejection. That you would laugh at him.

But then, just when he felt like drowning all over again, your voice reached his ears. Like a ray of light. Like home.

„I don’t think that you are a curse.“

Careful fingers reached out and pried his hands off his face with almost no resistance from his side. Fleeting touches grazed over the clammy skin of his face and a gust of your breath seemed to cool down his skin even more until you pressed one kiss onto each of his closed eyelids, his forehead, his nose. Your arms reached around him and pulled him towards you and he fell into you like his brothers once plummeted down from heaven. Your warmth embraced him as you cradled his head against your chest like a babe, giving im the security he was searching for so desperately.

„Think about it.“ Your murmur reached his ears while your brushed through his hair again, detangling the knots he had managed to fabricate by ruffling through it earlier. Your fingers bumped against the base of his horns and a shiver wrecked his body, prompting him to press himself even closer to you. His tail curled around your forms, pressed together so tightly as if you wanted to become one.

„I think that you are more of a miracle, you know. A sign that even such horrible things like the fall of your brothers can be an opportunity for something new. You were a newborn child, the symbol of new beginning. Innocence. You gave your brothers something which they could protect. Something they could focus on instead of being consumed by their fear, their grief, their sins.“

Your hands had stopped brushing through his hair and now presumed to glide over his horns, over the bumps and rides as you stared off into space. You didn’t notice that Satan had opened his eyes and was looking at you in awe, that he had stopped tearing into his lips with sharp teeth, that his tail was laying still next to you, entirely hypnotized by your words. You didn’t notice that the constant stream of tears had stopped as you continued musing.

„I think that you saved them, in some way. Especially Lucifer. He had just lost his sister, and while he wasn’t very fond of the way you came to be, this doesn’t translate to you as a person. He dislikes the reason you were born, not you. You didn’t have a choice. He knows that.“

Your eyes met his again and with a bashful smile, a quiet chuckle escaped you as you looked at your lover in adoration. „Does that even make sense?“

„It does.“ Satan’s voice was nothing above a whisper, you had to strain your ears to even understand it, but you did. Forest green orbs looked up at you in pure awe, filled to the brim with emotions which he didn’t know how to express. But he knew that he didn’t have to. You would understand him anyways.

And with a jolt, he pushed himself up and let his lips crash against yours with burning passion. He almost moaned at the feeling of your soft skin against his, opening his mouth and seemingly wanting to devour you whole. To show you how thankful he was, to express what he couldn’t explain in words. How much he loved you.

The both of you only separated when the lack of air became too much, gasping for breath but still refusing to let go of each other. With a sigh, he brushed his nose against yours, eyes halfway closed and breathing still labored.

„We loved with a love that was more than love“, he whispered against your lips as he dove in to kiss you again and you chuckled. Of course he had to recite some sort of poem about love. This was Satan, after all. But he couldn’t focus on the sound of your laughter, clear and bell-like as always. All he could focus on was the warmth that spread through his body as his lips met yours, a dazed look in his eyes and a small flame spreading in his body.

Oh, how he loved you. How much he owed you. He felt like he could never express these feelings, even if the stars fell down and the sun stopped shining because time was coming to an end. With you, every second felt like eternity, and he never wanted it to stop. He never wanted to drown again and he knew that even in a few years, even on his birthday,- a day he had dreaded beyond all imagination because of what it reminded him of - that even then, you would be there to pull him out if the ocean.

„You are my miracle.“ Your hushed tone prompted one last tear to drip down his cheeks, and you reached up to kiss it away. He smiled at you, teary-eyed and thankful beyond words, and you looked at him like he was your whole world.

„Thank you, my love.“ His voiced was strained from crying and yelling, but he knew that you wouldn’t mind. That you would accept him no matter what. Exhaustion had settled into his limbs and without saying a thing you pulled him down against your warm body, grabbing the soft blanket and spreading it over the both of you. Satan settled down with his nose pressed against your neck, arms wrapped around your body and your scent comforting him. He shivered as your hand drew small circles onto his back and his eyes fluttered shut with a soft sigh, gliding into peaceful slumber for the first time ever on his own birthday. Because he knew you were there. Because he knew that you loved him dearly.

Because to him, you were a miracle on your own.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

So Jazmine was trying to get her DNA changed to be Brian's child.

She asked me to remove the "daddy's race girl" clothing from the baby registry. So i looked and turns out there wasn't an actual item that said that. So we are good and kept those items.

The nursery section is still under construction and I agree with Alex wait till you see me to buy. Although what he was saying was he has no intention of me going.

Well he's an ass hole and i am not.

And my no the refused to change the twins DNA Only because Jazzy didn't include Annabelle.

Who is Alex Laughlin's biological child he chose to neglect and abandon and doesn't pay child support.

Jazzy says "i meant.. Us.. All. To change our DNA"

"Yep that i can do since you're verbally including Annabelle as well to make sure." Replied my mom

My mom is SO SO SO SO SO SO mad at Alex Laughlin right now. She could choke him out to death in 5 point 6 seconds.

Regardless whether their DNA is changed.

The point i want to express is that i will allow my children to pick who is in thier lives, I always have with Annabelle. When she wanted her gramma Denise I allowed it even if i declared war and was not on speaking terms with her and made it clear i didnt want her in my life.

Alex is from Planet Timbuktu which had imploded in the 1960s and was from a galaxy next door. They were out to visit an their equipment broke down and they just stayed. So anyone trying to find them and succeeding was allowed to stay. They were turkey shaped. Which caused Thanksgiving to be a world wide holiday before it was an USA One.

Of course Zulululu doesn't want to talk about that as they are unwanted invaders and dont want anyone to know about invasions or even aliens.

So Alex was about two years old and he hasn't matured greatly since then. An LLPD said they all adore Alex, always all "come here give me hugs!" But Brian they stand up straight with respect and love and gratitude. And are all "do you want a hug?"

Brian says no. Usually I will say yes until I have a person to person issue to cause me to say no. Or my back hurts.

Brian will say yes when its been earned. Like trust or some form of respecting quality.

Anyway my point besides all the side stories is my kids will face the same as many of you.

My daughter is 16. Does she keep the past company or does she look to the future with Alex? If she has a choice. And i will make sure she does. And if Alex has a problem then my fist and his face will have a close and frequent relationship.

My twins can make their choice up front. They have that right. Hurt him now or risk being hurt themselves.

Windy says she would like two dads. But Jazzy screams "Noooo!" When Windy says that. So I tell her she can stay home with mommy.

Now if this fucking idiot just thinks hes gonna be all willy nilly about just picking up my kids as he sees fit. Well he's fucking wrong.

I'm talking like 16 grown ass men that know fear and hate standing around with AK47 and M16 and shit. I'm not fucking playing. Hes dumb. Plain and simple.

Like dopey he's all cute and shit and the odd one out. But he's not respectable. And definetly not trust worthy in any adult fashion.

He's just a party boy. Which makes him a good friend to have. But. A parent? No. A husband? No.

Windy is all "fine an uncle then"

Alex is all "wow you make it sound like you want nothing to do with me"

Really? He fucking lies. I really don't to be honest. For why would I want to be friends with a liar that treats me like I'm worthless?

I've had at least two husbands I treated tbat way because to me they were. Like they were worthless but I didn't lie to their face. I embraced their inequality and tried to support and encourage them. And I never took their kids from them. Someone's trash is someone else's treasure.

So Alex wants to continue treating me and our kids like trash. Then bye bye.

He doesn't even see that he does. He thinks hes right. Like I said his maturity is very low. Very Dopey. From Snow White and the Seven Drawves if you haven't caught my drift yet.

But he's creative. Just irresponsible. Careless and clueless.

His feelings are more important. Because he fainted when Annabelle was born he decided to flee. Like she would be crawling out my vagina every day. Can't handle diapers. Fucking weakling.

So she's 16 and in just a few short months she will be 17. And we definitely will not be at that race. But somewhere celebrating her life. Because her birthday falls on a race day.

Whether he wants to do something the week before or not that's up to him, but she's not gonna be at the Races when she can be someplace exotic and un ordinary.

Because im the mom. Im the single mom. And her and i have been a team. He's never WANTED or made an EFFORT to be in her life.

Whether or not i would want him in my life doesnt matter. Because I am UNINPORTANT to him.

It makes me angry. I can't even be sad although my anger is stormed by sadness. For him. And mostly my almost 17 year old daughter.

He's fucking weak. And my daughters all need to know that.

Brian does dumb shit because hes too over protective. 8 tours in Iraq. So yeah he's a bit afraid to cause me daily stress if he's gonna die. So he's stayed out of my life. It didn't work though, I figured it out. But also I didn't worry. And believe me. He got his shit beat from him. I wasn't nice about it. For years. If i got in a bad mood. He heard ALL about it. Straight from me and if he didn't he got scared.

So he got his karma. The difference is he's not afraid or whiny about which formula is best for each twin or if they do or don't want a dirty diaper. Or want to use the potty.

And he's not selfish. Which is why people are all "oh give me hugs little Alex" vs standing up straight and asking with respect if ole boy can do with a hug. Steal a hug from the little selfish boy. Ask from the generous man.

I wasn't intending to rant

But to encourage other people to allow their children to choose their parents.

There's a lot of death happening and sadness and people feel hopeless, so to "rant" and compare people is imperative right now. It IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT.

Imperative. I relate the word to inoperable and operable. Which means able to operate. Which means work. Imperative means the most important to cause something to work.

So be imperative to your child's companions. Parents are dying.

They need to decide who their replacement is. Gramma. Uncle. Cousin. Stranger.

My 3 girls are no different.

I also had to do the same. I was an orphan and due to amnesia, I'm with who I was "stuck" with. My uncle and a Zulululu I'm aimed to kill.

So Annabelle was stuck with an abusive surrogate Alex picked. Until I got a divorce. The summer after kindergarten, he moved out. Legal divorce didn't come for years because he became abusive about it and so as long as he moved out and left us alone.

For awhile Annabelle wanted to be with her surrogate. So for 2nd grade I gave in and let him for October to March split the week. But she decided she didn't like it

So I had to deal with his whining and crying and bull shit about wanting to see her more

She didn't like him. He was dumb and a Zulululu and selfish. So I stood up to him. It didn't matter to him she didn't want to see him.

Just like I know it won't matter Annabelle will want to see Alex to Alex or his little pathetic friends he finds so important.

But I also know she doesn't give a shit any more. You all think I'm harsh?

Ill be all "this is your biological father he chose Michael to be your dad" she will spit in his face. If I add "because he fainted when I was in labor with you" she would laugh in his face, tell him he's pathetic and ask when we can leave.

It's the truth. I could list all his great qualities and all it will do is hurt her. Because if he's so great, why doesn't he care about her? She would cry.

So fuck that. "Here's him. This is what he did. And why"

Intuition and past experiences takes care of the rest.

I think its extremely important who i am with because of her. But she says "why the fuck would i care?" Uhh duh cause you're still my kid. Her answer is if he's a piece of shit you'll drop him and if not ill fucking move and take care of myself.

And me "well lets get down to it if he's in there raping and molesting you or beating you then you better dam well tell me. Tell me it doesn't fucking matter because it sure as hell does matter your opinion"

"Those are about facts" im told.

Well fucking a relief, we are in this together!

"Well it does matter if you like him because if we go it to eat or to the movie or something"

"Well i will just use him for money"

"Well that's not a high quality of life. Id rather you use someone for money that you actually like and enjoy being with"

"That's not using them for money! That's something different! Idk what its called. What's it called?"

"Allowing someone to be generous and enjoying companionship or company with them. And that's not a bad thing as long as you appreciate it"

"Appreciation! Its called using someone for money but liking it! I mean appreciating it! Am i right?!"

Well yeah, in all technical terms.

"Or allowing someone to be your daddy?"

"How come not mom?!"

"Because im not gay or bi sexual"

"I am already through with dads. Can you be gay or even just a little bi sexual, a little for me please?"

"No"

Same shit since she was 8. Half her life.

And Alex is the one that made sure she would be through with dads. Brian was standing right there. And he picked someone known to be abusive and on drugs and an alcoholic.

So really. If you ask me. Spit is kind. He deserves to be shot in the face.

She won't hold me back. But i can't make her uncomfortable or unhappy because she gives me freedom.

That would break my own heart.

So i encourage others especially those suffering wirh COVID to make your plans.

I have in my WILL actually an 18 year old when I made it to take her. I have a house with the social security she would get from my death it would be enough to split the mortgage and bills. The 18 year old works.

It allows him, its not her soul mate but what I believed to be a blood relative, to get out on his own and be with a young adult that needs to be looked after during her time of need in case of my death.

Make sure food is available, the home is clean, bills are paid, doctor appointments are done and so on. And that life has a bit of fun, on top. And little stress due to him not wanting to be a parent but a friend.

An 18 year old more responsible than her own father or the other he had picked.

For him an affordable safe place to live and for her an adult to be legal guardian so she can be left alone by Denise and Michael. Both aggressive enough to lock the door and not open it when someone on the other side isnt wanted. And kind enough to take time to understand why the other chose to not open the door and support that or at least let it live.

Because that is what my daughter needs. Someone to support that and someone of legal age and capabilities to provide decent living conditions.

And enough in common to enjoy life. And enough respect to allow differences the other may not prefer to do or have.

And so that is what i have set up.

He's not full of infinite wisdom or even all the time patient or unaggrevating. But he's kind enough. And he's not altogether selfish. Self orientated but so is she and so am I.

That's independent with a demand to be cared for and about.

And luckily they mesh well enough.

Alex could have but he chose fear. Not responsibility.

Although he promised he wouldn't. Swore up and down..

His friend Ben that goes by Matt, "she's never going to get pregnant just come on with me"

They left. So i sent a pregnancy test over to where they were. "Oh that's fake" said Ben.

Well i have an almost 17 year old that DNA4U says is Alex's.

But Ben mattered. Not me. Not her.

And certainly not Alex.

While that makes me sad that Alex doesn't even care about himself i know there's nothing i can do about that and i def will not make excuses to him to any of our daughters.

And I would just as soon want to write him off myself.

No point in caring for someone like him. Not any proof of that in my life. Its just a waste of time and energy

So please write a WILL and email it to those that are leaders in your family and who it includes.

Example:

LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT

I want Sam to have my 3 cars.

I want Janice to have my house.

I want Jacklyn to have guardianship of my kids. She can find my life insurance and bank information in my safe. I have provided that information about my safe in a place I will tell my friend Sally.

For my last testaments those will also be located by Sally and given to whom needs to know.

Then i sign my legal name and i email it to Jacklyn, Janice and Sam as well as Sally.

Then Sally comes over and i tell her "look on top the fridge, i taped the envelopes you need down" or "look under my drawer, pull it out and look above youll find the info in case I die"

Jacklyn doesnt need to know all my insurance or bank info now and it might change between now and then. I told my kid, just look in my wallet. She's beneficiary and so she gets all everything. And some banks offer life insurance.

I chose someone my daughter can get along with and won't change her or force her to feel her choices are wrong. Someone whom will accept her and she can accept without changing her lifestyle very much.

So please do do so for your kids and please do ask.

Sure there are more legal ways but this is pretty desperate times and so a judge fully understanding it is your true will and testament and can prove it by your IP address and email address it is valid even in court

Further you can text from your phone number "I've emailed you my last will and testament to email@email.com from my regular email, email@email.com if you're worried about securing that legality

I text my entire WILL then emailed it. So They have two proofs. Then emailed it to myself.

So. The point is to validate the identity of the writer.

Once that is done what is written is the legal will.

Sally also knows where the title of the cars are -- in my safe and Sally is named my executer of my will although I didn't use the formal words that's who she is.

Jacklyn is younger and knows Sally so she will let Sally take the kids and so on. Which I wrote in request in the safe because I don't want to negoatate or questions. Its what I want.

And Sally will give that to Jacklyn in a sealed envelope even Sally didn't look in. "Family plan for Jacklyn" saying EXACTLY how I want my children raised. No spanking. No drugs or drinking under 18. No sleep overs with boys. No disrespect but facts. And to see Sally twice weekly. Plus normal clothing and feeding and shelter. Which Jacklyn has proven capable.

Even more I could just emailed the above and said "Sally has my last will and testament" if i wanted to keep the peace and not hear about how im driving Sam's inheritance wrong according to Sam.

I gave everything to Annabelle which is what her guardian would need to know so I told them both.

Of course the future will change that but...

Even so that's all her life. The twins aren't born yet and didn't have nearly their whole life in that house.

And of course saddling an 18 year old with nearly 17 year old is different than new borns. And by the time it gets to it she will be 18. So. She won't need a guardian...

So. I encourage you all to grasp your future and atrmpt a control of it after your death.