#im only slighty very nervous to post this

[buckys-goodgirl]

colby brock x reader (I think?)

a/n: this is my first time writing, please try and sit through this I need criticism 😔 thanks smm @hearts4golbach for telling me to post.

it’s a small town high school au fic, PLEASE bear with me.

Chapter 1 ~ Summer’s end

I wake up to the same familiar sound again, my broken alarm clock and the waves crashing over the ocean. 

“Great, first day of school.” I think to myself, groaning as I force myself out of bed, putting on some loose black cargo pants and a random, slighty cropped, graphic tee. I didn’t put much thought into my outfit as I was still exhausted. I walk just under a quarter mile to my school, passing by the boardwalk and a couple neighbors. 

“hey y/n, you coming down today?” emma asks once I get to school, meaning coming down to the beach, which is what we do everyday. 

 “uh-yeah, obviously” I reply, in an excited tone only she couldn’t tell was fake. “what else would we do everyday” I mutter under my breath, which she ignores whether she heard what I said or not. 

Later in the day, I sit on the schools bathroom sink, hiding away from my science teacher and the weird feeling someone was watching me all day.

(after school, at the beach)

Me and emma have the same style bikini on, mine is black and her’s is white. She has a pink and orange coverup on while I just have  a pair of white shorts on. Once we get to the boardwalk, I spot Mr.Brock. He’s a mailman, I know him very well, only because I buy unnecessary things online almost daily. 

“Hi Mr.Brock!” I start as I wave at him,  “Do you have something for me?” I yell, cupping my hands around my mouth. he says something back I can’t hear and motions for me to come down, so I do. He tells me he has them on his truck, and points over about 100 feet away, where a group of teenagers, presumably older looking, stand right in front of it.

 “tell me if my son colby gives you any trouble, alright?” I mutter something along the lines of yeah and mhm and start walking over, but every step I take closer just makes me more nervous, and once im grabbing my package off the small truck I can feel the stares of him and all his friends. In response all I can do is look up at them and give a sheepish smile, before almost bolting away. 

“she’s cute don’t ya think?” one of the girls Mr.Brock’s son is hanging out with says, nudging him and twirling her pink hair while she chews obnoxiously at her gum. I just ignore it, realizing they are probably making fun of me. I decide to just stay up in the boardwalk with emma instead of going down on the beach like we intended. I didn’t want to go near them any more.

The next day it feels like they are everywhere, and I can’t avoid them. I walk up a couple stairs to get to gym, but they are there too, it’s like I can’t avoid him and his deep blue eyes- I snap out of it

as he gives me a cocky smirk, and I turn back around. The same pink haired girl taps on my shoulder, but I ignore it incase it’s them trying to get a laugh out of me again.

“you should ask them what’s the problem! If he’s always smiling at you and his friends keep trying to talk to you, they obviously want to tell you something!” Emma talks enthusiastically. This why I don’t tell her anything. 

“no! no! no!” I begin to shut her ideas down, shushing her as we walk through the empty hallway.

“none of that is happening, it’s probably just seniors being assholes, alright?” I tell her, trying to prove her wrong, which happens to be when I see Colby, pink hair and the rest of their group smirking as they look around the corner at us, running away when I spot them spying on us.

I found out over the summer I made it into honors history, and now as I sit in the class right next to Colby Brock, who needs the class for credits because he flunked last year, it feels more like a curse than a gift. We sit in 2 seater tables instead of regular desks, so I bet i’ll be working with him on everything in this class. How exciting. 

Once I got home, I immediately got on my phone, finding colby’s socials. Okay yes I was interested but it’s not my fault him and his freakishly scary group of upperclassmen were stalking me! I start on instagram, to which I immediately find a page full of parties, drinking, concerts, and other things I’m pretty sure his dad doesn’t approve of. I quickly like one picture subconsciously and thereafter leave the app, swiping onto twitter and searching the same username, to find- dammit. private account. I decide to leave well enough alone until I accidentally click request, I am such an idiot. stupid. stupi- 

my internal belittling is interrupted by a new notification on my screen, a twitter DM that reads, “snooping on my page, stalker?”

ynflwr: uh.. no. why would I?

gh0sthvnter: that’s for me to ask and you to answer.  

and don’t lie, liking my instagram and adding me on twt? 

ynflwr: i add everyone! and I just liked your post because I felt like it is that a crime?

gh0sthvnter: whatever you say, sweetheart.

this used to use a random name instead of yn or no name so if you catch it PLEASE TELL ME. thanks 4 reading 💗

[emmyrosee]

can i request some duncan x reader x axel angst where reader and duncan are in a fight and he gets really mad and slams his hand down next to her face and she thinks he was going to hit her and axel gets protective and stuff and yeah 💖 thanks girly

Guard dog axel owns my whole soul🥺❤️

Tw; domestic conflict, violence between Axel and Duncan

————-

Exhaustion and alcohol don’t mix.

Neither do bottled up emotions, overwhelming works schedules, and the accusation that Duncan is fucking his newest assistant because you know damn well the perfume on his neck is not yours.

And Axel, bless Axel, is merely sitting on the couch, leg bouncing wildly as he rests his elbows against them, listening to you and Duncan scream at each other. There’s a shattered glass of bourbon on the floor that Duncan broke, and that alone makes Axel feel anxious and feel like he has to watch Duncan’s actions closely. He’s never been quite so cautious of Duncan since he’s more grounding to Axel’s free spirit. 

But the way Duncan’s eyes are so focused on you, the way his shoulders are tense and his teeth are bared slightly...

Axel has been in more than enough fights to know that stance.

All too well.

“I honest to fuck don’t know what you want anymore,” Duncan growls, leaning in close to you. “I do nothing but fucking work to keep you happy, spoiling your greedy little ass with all the gifts and vacations anyone could ask for. And now because of a new assistant who wears enough perfume to kill a small village, you think I’m cheating.” He continues to approach you, making you back up into the nearest wall. But you don’t falter, merely squaring your jaw and looking up to meet his full gaze.

“Just give me a fucking name, Duncan! If you’re not cheating, just give me a name!” Your voice starts to crack, and behind Duncan, you see Axel’s ear perk up.

He never likes it when you cry.

Duncan grits his teeth, “I can’t give you a name to a bitch that doesn’t exist, you dumb fucking attention whore.”

Behind Duncan, you see Axel stand up, face stone solid as he slowly approaches. Your eyes dart back to Duncan, “you said she was a new assistant!”

“She is!”

Axel stops as he towers directly behind Duncan.

“So what’s her name!”

“I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!” Duncan screams.

Everything moves so fast you can barely process.

One second, Duncan’s massive hand comes down centimeters from your face, slamming at the wall next to you.

The next, Duncan’s bleeding on the floor, Axel panting like a voracious beast as he looms over him. There’s blood on his fist as Duncan cries out in pain, and now it’s Axel’s turn to take the stance. He falters as you grab onto him, trying to steady your knees. 

“Are you okay?” He whispers, eyes filling with guilty tears. Your breath is heavy as you nod, looking down at Duncan. Axel follows your gaze, “never... fucking touch her... you fucking prick.”

You inhale shakily as you crouch down next to Duncan, trying desperately to look at his bleeding nose. There’s a thud behind you, and when you look and see Axel crying out of guilt, your heart pounds harder and begs you to get the situation under control.

“Axel, you go lay down in bed, once I clean Duncan up I’ll meet you, okay?” you crawl over to him, forcing him to look at you. He nods, struggling to get up and walk down the hallway. You scramble back to Duncan, instinctively taking off your shirt to use as absorbent of the blood.

Duncan’s screams of pain finally start to calm down, and as you hold him in your arms, letting your bra and chest get soaked with his tears and blood, finally, you let yourself cry.

*DISCLAIMER: if you or anyone you know is in a situation, or has ever been in a situation in which you are afraid of your partner or their actions, get help. This is strictly for the use of fiction in the context of entertainment. If you or anyone you know need help, many wonderful people or myself are more than willing to send you numbers through private messages, or direct you to websites which disguise the search for help. 

[yourlocalmusicalprostitute]

Girl From Ipanema Brian May x Fem!POC!Reader

A/N: reposting this cause it got lost just like my Rog oneshot the first time, this is very self indulgent, sorry if its boring, please excuse any errors. a deaky oneshot will be up eventually; ships are still open sorry for the long post, Im on mobile

warnings: mentions of alcohol, anxious Bri

Song inspo

~

Brian swirled his fingers around the stout glass waiting for him on one of many tables spread throughout Freddie's new home. He served himself a glass of whiskey, a pair ice cubes floating in it, just to start him off for the night. Brian was no prude; he usually enjoyed Freddie's parties, especially the ones Freddie took the time to plan and gave themes to. Brian simply chose to ease himself into party mode at a steady pace, contrary to Roger who swan dived into any party as soon as he stepped through the threshold.

It would be unlike Freddie to move into a new home and not have a celebration for new beginnings. The verbal invitation he gave Brian over the phone went something along the lines of, "Everyone should be dressed in their finest linen! Not a single person who isn't dripping in jewels may find their way in."

The drama in Freddie's voice was warranted for this occasion. Queen had been working themselves to the bone, and there were finally fianances to show for it. Roger treated himself to a car. John bought a home just the same as Freddie, but his was for himself and Veronica with a much less extravagant house warming party. Brian had yet to come up with a way to pamper himself with the tad bit of extra money in his pocket, or if he even wanted to.

"Brian!" Freddie's voice took Brian out of his state of contemplation, making him stand and hug his close friend.

"The place is lovely, Fred." He complimented sincerely, which Freddie acknowledged thankfully with a smile before he got into the reason he interrupted Brian's thinking session.

"Thank you darling, but listen, this is my party and I refuse to let you go home alone. Now c'mon! Roger is already..." Freddie paused his words to purse his lips dramatically, "mingling." The last word of Freddie's sentence was drawn out and Brian knew exactly what he meant.

Almost reluctantly, Brian followed Freddie to the main crowd of people. The crowd consisted mostly of individuals the band knew with the few people who had only heard of the party buzz sprinkled in. No one that Brian had any real interest speaking to, though he was polite and downed his whiskey as a way to remain as such.

A hand glided over Freddie's shoulder causing him to turn around. The hand belonged to a loyal customer of his when he and Roger sold clothes in Kensington market. Freddie stepped to the side to allow whomever caught his attention to step into the circle as he introduced them.

"This is Y/N! The only person who could negotiate prices with me at Kensington market. Might I add Y/N has a wonderful fashion sense." Freddie gestured to the gown that adorned Y/N's curves.

The gown was velvet. Brian couldn't tell if it were purple or blue due to the lighting, but it didn't really matter. Brian was smitten with Y/N at first glance and when he took a glance around the room, it seemed that everyone else was as well.

Y/N made Brian nervous and that was evident as his adams apple bobbed roughly when he swallowed. She had extended a hand out to Brian, there was a dainty diamond bracelett on her wrist that dangled as he shook her hand.

"It's so great to meet you. Freddie mentions you all the time." Y/N let her hand linger in Brian's. His grip was strong, but he didn't crush her hand,something she admired in a man. Not to mention the smile that stretched across Brian's face, or his broad shoulders, or the pants he was wearing that clung so wonderfully to his-

"Y/N, dear are you alright? You're staring at poor Brian, making him nervous!" Freddie cackled standing on the side of her. Immediately Y/N retreated her hand, her face pulled into an embarrassed smile and diverted her gaze from Brian.

"Sorry." Y/N said between a small laugh. She brought her eyes back up to Brian.

He shook his head, "No apology needed."

"I'm going to get myself a drink, Fred." Y/N excused herself with one last nod to Brian and a pat on Freddie's shoulder. Brian watched as Y/N walked away. His eyes roamed from her tightly coiled hair pulled into a slick high bun, to her bare back cut out from her dress, and down to her bottom sitting perfectly on her back. She was the definition of lovely.

"Brian if you don't go get her I will!" Freddie teased.

"You go ahead mate, I don't think I'm her type." Brian looked down at his empty glass. He thought Y\N was utterly gorgeous, but there were a plethora of men eyeing her, he was surely at the bottom of her list.

"Brian, are you blind or dumb?" Freddie asked curtly.

"What?" Brian laughed out his question.

"Did you see the way she looked at you?"

"Fred that doesn't mean any-"

"If you saw it that means you're dumb." Freddie sipped his champagne in disappointment.

"Well I could've told you that mate!" A cheery an raspy voice announced from behind both Freddie and Brian.

"Roger tell Brian he's being utterly ridiculous to think he's not attractive enough to get that woman over there." Freddie pointed towards the kitchen island serving as a bar. Y/N sat there with her back turned to the trio smiling but simultaneously brushing off any suitors that came by.

Roger tilted his head to get a better view. "I don't know," surely he did, he just wanted to see the slighty irritated look on Brian's face, "but she surely is right up my alley." Roger, to drive his point home, straightened his posture and began to make steps toward Y/N.

Freddie grabbed his jacket. "Hold on, lover boy. That's Brian's woman."

"Well he doesn't want her!" Roger argued.

"You couldn't be more wrong Rog." Brian corrected. He had finally decided that he couldn't reject her if he didn't try to talk to her.

Freddie smiled and gave Brian a few pats on the shoulder. "Go get 'er tiger." He encouraged. Roger gave Brian a smile and a raise of his eyebrows to further encourage him, and before Brian could come up with a reason to avoid conversation with Y/N, his legs walked him over to her. 

"Hi." His greeting was a little too low for Y/N to hear. She kept her back turned to him, nursing a glass of champagne. Brian stepped closer, swallowing the growing frog in his throat before speaking again. "Hi." He said a little louder this time.

Y/N turned in surprise, but instantly smiled at the sight of the tall man before her. "Hi." She mimicked sweetly. "What brings you over here?"

Brian looked down at his empty glass and raised it a bit. "This." He stated first. "And you." Brian then stated with a little bit of uncertainty.

Y/N kept her smile and gestured to the empty stool next to her. "Then you better sit." Brian placed himself on the stool and turned his body toward Y/N.

"What are you drinking?" She asked sweetly.

"Whiskey, please." Brian gulped after his words as he watched Y/N pour his drink slowly.

A silence fell among the two of them. Brian's streak of confidence was short lived; it brought him over to Y/N, but didn't stay long enough for him to hold a conversation. Brian was regretting his decision and started to apologize the same time Y/N wanted to speak.

Brian shut his mouth quickly and shook his head. "Please, you first." He gestured toward Y/N and she giggled.

"I was just going to invite you to dance." She stated trying her best to control the wide grin Brian seemed to coax out of her with just a look.

"I was going to say the same thing." Brian chuckled as smoothly as possible. He followed his lie with a final swig of whiskey before standing. He held a hand out to Y/N, slightly shaking. She smiled and landed her hand into his.

Brian's hand was warm despite it previously holding a cold glass of alcohol. She was more than happy that Brian accepted her offer to dance, but she was silently kicking herself.

He was going to find out the hard way that Y/N had two left feet.

[werewolferr]

game changer (pt 2) | stefan butler

* gif from @billvrusso *

pairing: stefan butler x reader

plot: after months of strain and hard work, Stefan finally takes the completed Bandersnatch to Tuckersoft. when he gets there he finds that he still has a lot of work to do. luckily he has the best partner

word count: 1.9k

warnings: nothing really, i think there’s a few swear words in there

a/n: first off im so sorry for how long it took me to write this second part, like it’s actually ridiculous. i’m so bad at being punctual. also thank you for all the positive feedback on the first part, it’s means sm. hope this is good and you enjoy, thank u x

“Are you sure you don’t need any help with that?” Stefan said as he trailed behind you as the two of you made your way to your messy desk.

“No, I’m fine” You say struggling to keep everything in your arms.

As you place your work down onto your desk, you turn around to Stefan standing very close to you, you bump into his tall body slightly.

“Oh, I’m sorry” You both mumble in sync, Stefan stepping back slighty. You notice his cheeks turning pink slightly, you giggle at him lightly.

“Grab that seat by there” You say pointing to the chair in the corner of your work space “And bring it be here” You say sitting down in your office chair, boncing your feet on the floor.

You watch as Stefan grabs the chair lifting off the floor and dropping next to you. As he sat down he took his bag off placing it on the floor in between you two.

You noted how nervous and awkward he looked, he kept fumbling with his fingers or the hem of his blue sweatshirt.

“So..” You said looking Stefan “I’ve come up with some initial idea from what Thakur told me about the game. Have a look through them see if there’s anything you like” You say scrambling some of your best ideas, none of them finished, and passed them to Stefan.

You watched as he looked through the designs you’d given him. Grazing his fingers lightly over the art.

The silence made you slightly nervous, “If you don’t like any of them just say. I mean they aren’t my best” You smile.

“No, no. These are really cool” Stefan said smiling, while he continued to look through them.

“Thanks” You say with a little blush. “Is there anything in particular you’d like to see in the designs, because it is you game and I want to incorporate your vision into the design as much as I can” You continue, slowly swinging in your chair.

“I don’t know really” He replied, shrugging his shoulders

“I never really thought about how the design would look. I was too concentrated on making sure the game worked” He laughed slightly

“Yeah I understand” You smile “Maybe we can figure it out now?”

Stefan nodded his head.

“Would you like it to look like the book design, or... something new and modern?” You asked, while grabbing a fresh piece of paper and a blue pen. Scribbling ‘Bandersnatch Ideas - Stefan” at the top.

“Umm...” Stefan thought, scratching his neck slightly. “I think I’d like to incorporate some of the book. But with some modern elements so it doesn’t look completely the same”

“Ok, ok” You reply, scribbling it down quickly on the paper.

“And if it’s ok. Could it have some of the design I had in the load screen of the game”

“Of course...” You say, your mind already trailing off. Little ideas popping in your mind, here and there, you pull them together slightly.

You ran your hands through your hair, taping your pen on the table lightly. Tap - tap, tap - tap. From your right peripheral vision you can feel Stefan looking at you. His eyes moving up and down you.

He leant on your desk, fidgeting with his fingers. Stefan opened his mouth as if to say something, closing again almost instantly. Clearly not sure of whether to snap you at your thoughts or not. Causing you to smile at his general awkwardness

“Was there anything on these designs you liked?” You say, snapping your head in Stefan’s direction.

Stefan shifted in his seat again, before picking up one of the designs. “I like this one” Stefan said, passing paper to you and moving in his seat. Closer to you.

You picked up the design he gave you, it was a picture of a blue maze in the middle of the paper and with white text saying Bandersnatch near the top with each letter alternating up and then down. With a blue and pink gradient shadow behind it. You had also scribbled notes about having a black background and possibly a border around the edge. And at the bottom it read - “Can you escape the maze?”

Honestly you didn’t like it that much. I mean, you preferred it to some of the other drafts you’d made but it was nowhere near good

“I really liked the text. The way it moves up and down, and the colourful shadow behind it. I thought it looked really cool” He smiled, while pointing at the text.

“Thanks” You laugh “Is there anything you don’t like or would like to change” You said as you pulled a post-it note and pen towards you, ready to take notes.

“Urm, well. I liked the idea of having a maze in the design, but I'm not sure if i want it in the centre of the work.” He said.

“Ok, ok” You answer as you write it down. “Anything else?” You smile giving Stefan a small smile. Which he returned.

The two of you continued to work on the cover of the game for the rest of the day. Making notes, coming up with more drafts, trying new things. Mixed in with coffee and Stefan’s nervousness while talking to you, stumbling and blushing.

The two of you ended up being the last people to leave the office other than Mr Thakur. He practically threw the two of you out.

“Come on guys, I need you to leave so I can lock up and get home” Mr Thakur complained.

“Ok, ok. We’ll head off now” You say looking at Stefan for a spilt second, flashing him a smile while you start to pack up your things into your backpack.

“Yeah well you’ve been saying that for the past 2 hours, so you better actually leave this time” Mr Thakur fires back at you.

“My bags packed and my coats on. So is Stefan” You continue walking towards Mr Thakur “We. Are. Leaving” You say patting him on the shoulder, with Stefan trailing behind you.

“See you soon” You throw back to him as you and Stefan head towards the door.

“See you Y/N, and Stefan”

You push the down button on the lift door and wait as the creaking sound of old, unsteady lift made it’s way up through the many floors.

“Sorry we didn’t get to properly decide on any game covers, or particularly anything. But I’m glad we did get a few ideas down, I mean I didn’t really know much about the game from the brief Thakur gave me” You say still looking dead ahead at the lift.

You turn to see Stefan looking at you, quickly he averts to floor

“Don’t worry about it Y/N. I think I prefer it this way, so he can work on it together and thanks for agreeing to work on the design with me” He says finally looking up at you again.

“I mean there was no way I was going to say no. This is the first multi-choice game, where you don’t have to type in instructions” You say, almost shouting. And honestly you were excited about this game, not only for designing the art and marketing, which working on could massively boost your career. But as a game fan you were beyond excited to play it, it was just revolutionary. And you were about to be apart of it, even if it was a small portion.

The lift doors opened with a bing, followed but the sound rusting metal sliding against each other, Stefan moved aside to let you move in first and he followed behind as you pressed the button the ground floor.

“It’s going to be amazing Stefan. People are going to love it” You whisper shout.

You watch as a smile creeps up on his face, closely followed but a blush appearing on his cheeks.

“Thank you” He says in a whisper.

Another bonus of working on Bandersnatch was Stefan. He seemed so nice and well, he was cute. His long slightly curly black hair and his small smile, his slight awkwardness and fidgeting was endearing. But you were determined for Stefan to feel more comfortable and relaxed with you by the end of this project, to say you were puzzled by his nervousness was an understatement.

“What time are you here tomorrow?” Stefan asked you as he began to pull out his headphones and Walkman “I can come in and... m-maybe we can work on it together”

He says, his soft brown eyes looking down at you

“I’m not here tomorrow sorry. I don’t actually work at Tuckersoft full time cause I’m still in 6th form and I have classes tomorrow” You reply, slightly disappointed you won’t be able to work with Stefan tomorrow.

“Oh- that’s ok don’t worry about it” Stefan said, the same disappointment mirrored in his voice and eyes

You bit on your lip feeling slightly guilty, “Maybe, after I’ve finished my classes we can work on it at my house” You found yourself saying, as you weren’t usually this forward “Or... yours” You add.

“Where by is your 6th form?”

“In the middle of town near the leisure centre and Dartmouth lane”

“St Andrews College?” Stefan asked

“Yeah that’s the one” You smile, the lift bouncing slightly as it reached the ground floor, followed by a bing.

“That’s not to far away from my house. You could come to mine since it’s not to far away” Stefan began as the two of you walked out the lift.

“You sure you don’t mind?” You say back to Stefan as you began to fish you keys out your backpack.

“It’s no problem honestly. And that way we don’t have to wait for the days you’re working” Stefan continued

“Ok” You smile at Stefan as the two of you walk out the stained glass doors of Tuckersoft “I should be done by three thirty and I’ll make my way to yours”

“Yeah that sounds good”

You fish out a pen from your jacket pocket, “Here..” You say as you take Stefan’s hand and begin to write on it “Is my phone number. If there’s a change of plan and you can’t do it, ring me before nine twenty” You feel Stefan looking down at the top if your head as you write down the number of his sweaty hands.

“Any later than that, I won’t be able to answer ‘cause I’ll be in college” You finish writing your number down but still Stefan left his hand on top of yours, his finger tips grazing your palms. As the two of you hand on the damp curb.

You pass your pen “Can I have yours?” You say to Stefan looking up at him.

“M-My... what?” He says confused.

“Your address” You laugh “Y’know so I can go there tomorrow” You smile.

“Yeah, yeah of course. Sorry” He smiles as he takes the pen from your hand and writes it down on your other hand.

You watch him as he writes on your hand, his eyes concentrating and each movement of the pen. You smiled at him as you notice his tongue poking slightly out of the right corner if his mouth.

“Here” He says as he passed you back your pen.

“Thank you” You say placing back in your pocket “I’ll see you tomorrow at quarter to four” You say, beginning to walk in the direction of your car.

“Bye” Stefan says, waving at you and walking in the opposite direction.

As you walked away you smiled to yourself. You were looking forward to working with Stefan on this project, he was really sweet and caring. And not a axe wielding murderer like the author of Bandersnatch.

[yumenikkira]

not a dream - surgery 08/09/21

i want to briefly write about my experience before the details leave my memory. im writing this on august 11th, 2 days later.

the morning on august 9th 2021, i woke up at 7:30 am and was driven to the hospital by my mother, with my sister accompanying me. i checked in with the staff in the hospital and we all waited together for about half an hour.

when my name was called, i went by myself to walk into the preoperative area, and said goodbye to my family. i walked with the nurse down the very long room.

i passed by a number of elderly people on their beds. it was a sort of uneasy feeling. each of these beds were surrounded with a long green curtain that could be drawn to isolate and hide the room. if i had to guess a number, i think there were only about 4 or 5 of these secluded rooms.

she lead me to my area, and asked me some questions. she had a unique name but im struggling to remember it... luss? she gave me clothes to change into, and closed the curtain so that i could change in private. i set all of my clothes into a plastic bag they supplied me. i wore long white compression socks, with brown cushioned socks on top. (apparently i put these socks on upside down) and a green open smock which closes in the back with ties. 

after i was changed, more people came in to ask me questions. there were a lot of people coming in and out. the anesthesiologist was a kind, very old man named dr. rudolph. he just asked me medical questions. i believe another nurse, dana, asked me questions as well. 

dr. buchanan, my surgeon, came into the room as well. i saw him earlier in an orange mask, (his company branding is orange) but at some point he had changed into a more surgical green mask. he had an assistant with him, a med student who was shadowing him. i undressed in front of dr. buchanan so that he could make markings on my chest. 

it was a few minutes of him drawing on me with sharpie, and the three of us talked about unrelated things for a bit. it felt very casual and relaxed. i was not nervous at all yet. i asked dr if his other patients were usually nervous, and he said he had someone crying just the other day. i was feeling confident i wasnt going to cry. i asked him if he’d seen the movie repo. the dr hadnt, but the assistant did. it might be morbid to bring up that movie right before surgery, but it was on my mind.

after he was done, the dr left the room again. luss(?) and dana came back into the room. i lied back on the bed. i was talking to them about their nails, they both had nicely done nails. i told them i did gel nails for my family at home. dana said she had her nails done because she was going to see her granddaughter.

it was time to hook me up with the iv. im very nervous about needles, so i was looking away. dana talked to me while luss took care of the iv so i could take my mind off of it. the iv went into my hand, because thats a better position for the surgery. it hurt for a moment, but it quickly stopped bothering me. i thought it would have been more painful.

at this point, preperations were all in order. it was time to wheel me to the operating room. the two nurses brought up the bars on either side of the gurney bed and began to wheel me off towards another area behind swinging doors. at this point, i got really nervous, and i felt tears starting to form in my eyes, even though i was trying not to cry.

they wheeled me down a hallway, then into the operating room. i was on my back staring at the ceiling, so as i entered the operating room i saw very stark white, and knew exactly where i was. it felt eerie, and i was really scared. i never had surgery before.

things began to move very fast once i entered this room. they had me move myself off of the gurney onto the operating table. there were probably 6 or 7 people in the room moving around and preparing things, some of them asking me questions or moving me around preparing me. dr buchanan noticed i was crying. me took my hand and squeezed it while everything was getting ready. i thought about how this whole thing would be so much easier if i had a thing for getting cut open or something. LOL

dr buchanan told me people often dont remember being in the operating room at all, because the anesthesia causes memory loss. in my case, i remember it quite vividly. he gave me a code word to remember. the word was “butterfly”. ill tell him this when i see him again.

they placed an oxygen mask on me, which they said was oxygen and “something to help me relax”. evidently, that was the anesthesia. i was looking up at the surgeon and the anesthesiologist, attempting to talk to them a bit as i breathed through the mask. i felt myself getting slighty drowsy, but i wasnt feeling it very much. basically i was thinking, like, “this anesthesia aint shit”, but the next thing i knew i woke up back in the preoperative area, back on the gurney bed. 

i think at this point it was about 6pm. id been in the operating room for the entire day. everything was very blurry and hazy. to be fair, i didnt have my glasses, so thats probably why, lol. i felt myself waking up, but it was still hard for me to speak. my speech was slurred. however, i still tried my best to talk to everyone as they came by. i remember seeing the surgeon, and he said everything went well and my new chest looks great. 

a lot of the conversation i had at this point was very hazy. i think i must have put my clothes back on at some point? i believe it was luss as the last person there taking care of me. she helped me into a wheelchair and said my mom was on the way to pick me up. at this point, it seemed that mostly everyone had left, and just a few people were hanging around behind the desk in this area. she wheeled me out of the preop room and over next to the desk to wait for my mom. my phone was dead, so i just sat there and waited. i wasnt really in pain or anything, just bored. i was also bummed out because i wanted to take a post op selfie in the hospital. i should have taken more pictures beforehand, but i wasnt really thinking about it at the time.

eventually, my mom was there, and the nurse wheeled me out to the pickup area. another different nurse(?) there, a man, showed my mom how to drain my drains on either side. my chest in bandaged and under a surgical bra, with little drain bulbs on either side. 

they helped me hoist myself into the car from my wheelchair. surprisingly, i felt really good. i still feel good, even now. my pain is very minimal, and im able to get up and walk around easily. im hoping the remainder of my recovery will be just as seemless.