#im so bad at picking gifts you gotta choose for me or it wont happen

[ilostyou]

one weird thing about me is that im AWFUL with gifts. like gifts for me from other people

[purge-that-urge-rhackathon]

Do you read works people gift to you?

I print them out and eat them xD

I’d like to preface this answer by saying first and foremost that I used to work (not fun, i HATED it) in the film industry doing a LOT of jobs, and one of those was doing script coverage. For those unfamiliar with the term, script coverage is where they give you a pile of all these fucking scripts they’re either deciding to buy the rights to, have bought the rights to, or need an abstract written to help them decide whether or not to pursue it to the point of making a film themselves, or releasing their license for someone else to purchase it. One page translates to one minute of screen time, yeah? Do the math there, and most features will be 90-150+ pages.

And that’s where my job came in: having to sit for hours forced to read a lot of shit i didn’t want to (and i was the book-nerd at the library who LOVED new stuff right? i’ve read somewhere around 10,000 books since high school and i read very fast too) so this was something akin to torture for me. I have read a lot of shit. Shit i’m really really glad will never make it to the big screen. Shit that made no sense. Shit that triggered me up and down. Shit in genres not up my alley in the first place. Shit that will never get made because of the abstracts I wrote having to tell the studio how shit it was, in professional-ese. It was a few months in beverly hills of doing that before my ass quit.

So while i really appreciate the shit out of the intentions, and goddamn am i grateful and flattered as fuck someone might want to gift me something, unless you know me, like really intimately (maybe only 5 people on this site i’d say, and they know who they are), it’s something very hard for me to accept and the ensuing anxiety over trying not to be an ungrateful bastard or be mean at all just because its not up my alley, and the pressure to hopefully not discourage someone (and i NEVER want to discourage someone, i really really want people to have fun doing what they do!) just really makes gift fic an unpleasant experience for me.

It’s like… it’s different from fanart. Fanart you see the thing and BOOM. You know its for you or not. And even if its not, you can usually pretty easily complement the color scheme or technical skill or find something about it to be nice and gracious over.

The written word is not like this. Sometimes you’ll begin to read a thing and know right away it is not for you, and you need to get out of there. I take it one step further in my judgmentalness: if the grammar is really bad, i won’t read it. If the visual structure (no paragraph breaks, for example) isn’t proper, i won’t read it. If they keep misspelling the same word or someone’s name, it drives me nuts to the point of not reading further. If things start taking a turn I don’t like, or gets too wordy or too descriptive (OR lacks such), i won’t read it. More to the point, if the general subject matter is not up my alley, i wont read it. If the portrayal of the characters isn’t something i like, or squicks me, i wont read it. I have a list as long as the day of dealbreakers for myself. 

I mean i think we can just sum this up to why some people will read certain authors and some won’t, right? We can all understand our own unique tastes.

When I’m gifted a fic, I feel like i am back in that old-ass chair with a pile of scripts dreading what is to come. I have no choice. It’s a gift, and the nature of a gift is you must be gracious even if you don’t like it. I think that’s asking a LOT of someone who didn’t ask for the thing. Especially if it’s a longer fic, or lord forbid multi-chaptered. It’s like, i didn’t sign up for this ride, please don’t make me ride this ride, i want off. It’s nothing on the person who wrote the thing, and everything on me. I am picky. I have a lot of deal breakers. And I don’t like to lie. I really really don’t like to lie. And forcing my hand with something like that and telling someone false things and also having to have that in my brain for however long it takes to read it? Instant panic attack. It’s one of my triggers, and i know it is.

A coworker last year asked me to do script coverage for him because i lived in japan for 4 years, and his script was focused on some japanese stuff… and was so goddamn outlandish like i didn’t know what to say to him. It put me in a position i didn’t want to be in. How to be nice and still be friends, but also delicate about his art? It’s not a good place to put someone. I had a lot of panic attacks before I had to tell him I WILL ONLY TRANSLATE YOUR JAPANESE FOR YOU I DONT HAVE TIME TO READ THIS. And we haven’t spoken about it since.

Art is subjective, yes, but I would say writing is far more subjective. It’s not a visual medium. It’s a lot more about technical skill. And then you get into the story content and choice of words there. Unless you’re one of those 5 people I mentioned earlier, anon, chances are you don’t know my precise triggers and my very specific tastes as to what i’ll read. What I write and what I read aren’t necessarily related.

I see gift fic kind of as someone telling you to come over and watch a movie. You don’t get to choose the movie. The person who had you come over does, and they’re really excited about it only for you to find out its something you do NOT want to sit and waste part of your life with… but this is someone you wanna be nice to but god the suffering… i think we’ve all had some sort of experience like that. But dial it up a notch or three and toss in panic disorder and you have me.

I don’t like to be forced to have to read something i didn’t actively search out myself. It’s part of the reason i REALLY hate people asking me to ‘look over’ their fics for them. I am of course extremely flattered, but im a hack writer and my word isn’t better than anyone else’s, and i know there are beta readers out there who actively like to do the thing. But i have neither the time nor inclination to read something i didn’t pick myself. Like someone buying you clothes. They might know your size but then the style could not be to your liking, or maybe the size and style is just fine but the material is scratchy and rubs you the wrong way. It’s probably better off not buying someone clothes, yeah?

I think i’ve been pretty thorough explaining myself and my background with the whole idea and my thought process as to why i don’t necessarily like gift fic, anon. When it happens, i’ll usually click it, but it puts me in a fucking horrid situation i will do anything to get out of. I’ve had people do it in the past in order to try and get my ‘attention’ and manipulate me to promote them (and then i stopped writing for about 9 years) and i’ve already stated i’ll promote anyone who needs it, but just the whole idea behind gift fic rubs me the wrong way. And because of my severe anxiety and not wanting to possibly be misunderstood on the topic, you’ve gotten an epic written back about the hows and whys and the history behind me hating unsolicted fic recs… gift fic is kind of in the same category for me.

You can dedicate shit to me left and right if i’ve inspired you, that’s really bitchin and i’m glad! Just… don’t force me to have to read it, or put me in a position where you’re like “Hey i gifted this go read it. Did you read it? What did you think?” That is my LITERAL nightmare. Aside from very-real time constraints as i am a bartender and dont have all the free tie in the world, I’ve really gotta put my mental health as my main priority. I’m really really sorry if this hurts anyone’s feelings :( That’s clearly not my intent by the massive text wall i’ve written, but i just want to be fully understood that its not coming out of a place of unkindness, but more of mental self-preservation and aversion to situations which have triggered panic attacks in the past.

I hope i’ve been clear somewhat D:

[imovedtoyellowrvvm]

a Q and A pete did on his live journal

crap. i was telling patrick he had to update just a few days ago and i dunno why but i didnt even realize i had to too so here goes. it was my sons birthday yesterday and we had a party at his grandparents house which was a lot of fun. i love seeing him grow up and as much as i loved being a part of fob or being a part of black cards like i am now i really like the time i have with my family. i am still young enough to do what i want but i dont want to be one of those guys that blinks and like his kid is all grown up and he wonders where all that time went. so i def am taking advantage of all the time i can with ash and bronx. as he gets older we get to see him react more and understand things that are going on for the holidays. and i think once you become an adult and you have a kid of your own holidays are almost actually more fun than they were when you were a kid. making bronx happy and his face light up makes me happy. cant wait to see the lil guy on christmas- i think this year itll be more than being fascinated by the lights and the wrapping paper and the box itself and maybe more the presents inside. pretty stoked about that. also looking forward to thanksgiving with the family- gotta hopefully figure out a way to either have a thanksgiving with my parents and then ashlees or get everyone together in one place. i dunno i just love the holidays. thank you to everyone too that sent bday gifts bronxs way- hes currently sitting in a pile of toys on the living room floor happy as a clam. one that still has its pearl btw. but since other than that i have no clue what else to really talk about and left myself with probably only a few hours to get this done- i am going to use some of the questions i helped patrick with by finding for this update. again for real it should be known that i did not make the ones in his entry up or these. If you had 3 wishes, what wouldn't you wish for? nothing that can be twisted around into something bad. you know where the person wishes for a million dollars and then his mom dies and she had a million dollar life insurance policy? i think i am actually happy enough right now that i wouldnt know what to wish for. can you save them for later? all i really want is all my loved ones to stay healthy and happy- and until i figure out a way to ask for that that wont end up in someone hurt i dont think i will be using any wishes haha. can you tell that movies have ruined wishes for me? You've just won a complete collection of movies starring one actor or actress - which actor or actress would you pick? harrison ford without a doubt. or brad pitt. but harrisons been in a lot of good ones... movies sometimes are good just because brad pitt is in them and nothing else. who would you pick? If someone told you that you only had exactly 9 minutes to live, what would you do in those 9 minutes? someone? like unless it was like my doctor id make a face and walk away- then proceed to live longer than 9 minutes. if it was like some dude in a dark alley and he had a gun id ask him why he was going to make me wait 9 minutes to shoot me- if like he was just killing time before he killed me. if it would be too dangerous to shoot off his gun right now because someone would hear... but in 9 minutes nobody would hear and the coast would be clear? yes this is how my brain "works". If you could only choose 2 movies to watch ever again, what would they be? star wars because technically thats 6 parts and each part is like 3 hours long so id never get sick of that (haha- gotta outsmart the man) and then id have to pick a home movie me and ashlee make because im sure when im like 80 and cant enjoy her like i used to ill want to look back at when i could. and pretty much watch it all day. Name something you wanted as a child but never got. i think the biggest was a gi joe aircraft carrier and the second i had any money from fob i bought one off ebay. those things are seriously not cheap. If you could go back in time and prevent a great catastrophe, which one would you prevent? this question is always great. what one could you really prevent other than the holocaust? and if you prevented it how would it change the world and how we are today- would i even be here? would my wife and my son? thats why as tempting as it is to think about those "what ifs" things happen for a reason- even cruel things. watch desperation its a good display of that- this guy ran out of a bar selfishly knowing there was a bomb in the bathroom and he ran without warning anyone to save himself. if he warned anyone everyone might panic and clog the exit. but then thinking back on it he wanted to be able to warn people. but obviously you cant go back. instead that knowledge helps him do the right thing when something else happens later on in the movie. i dunno ive always been a firm believer in things happening for a reason to lead to something else. If you went to a beach and it turned out to be a nude beach, would you stay and go swimming? no way its common knowledge that pretty much only ugly people are nudists. If you had one motto to live by, what would it be? hungry? why wait. (what? its almost lunch and it smells good) and just one more for this entry: Name one thing that you could never grow tired of. time with my family. and talking. ask anyone that knows me- i never get sick of talking.