#im so far beyond the point of depression i dont self harm like 90% of the time i think to cause what even is the point

[yellowbentley]

im tired

im just so unbelievably

unbearably

tired

[craveher]

I know it’s not easy, but do you care to share your story with us?

I’ll do my best to share as much as I’m comfortable with! 

My biological parents had me when they were 16. My mother was drinking and doing drugs and my father was arrested after trying to stab me and my mother after he got angry and broke into my grandparents house. I was living with my bio mom at my grandparents until I was about 15 months old and my mother got pregnant with my sister by another man. After she had my sister, everything kinda went downhill. Now that she had a cute new baby, I was no longer cute and she didn’t care anymore. She began taking her anger out at me by screaming and being verbally abusive. My sister was treated well and spoiled while I got older and had to do things for myself. Eventually she began hitting me, which she denied to social workers. I stayed with my grandparents whenever I could. I memorized their phone number and while my mom was partying or high or drunk I’d call them and they would take me to their place. When my mother would come to get me I would cry and beg her not to. She would threaten me into being quiet. My sister became like her, and verbally and physically abused me as well. I hated her for it and even now we dont have a very good relationship. The abuse continued, I was constantly locked in rooms and she even put me in the trunk of her car once because my sister didnt want to share a room with me and the car was full. I tried telling her friends but they didnt believe me. They said I was a liar and a bad kid. It only got worse. Other things occurred that Im not really comfortable talking about. Eventually at 9, my grandparents finally got custody of my sister and me. The police came into my bio moms apartment and she forced my sister and I to hide in a pull out couch. When I heard them I yelled and tried to climb out. Eventually they got to us and we went to my grandparents to stay. I was so so happy, more than I can express. My sister wasnt but I was so insanely grateful. Some family things went on and my little cousin ended up living with us. I offered to share a room with her so from then on until I was 13 I shared a room with her. But then one day, I got the flu. It didnt go away. I got more and more sick and I wasnt getting better. My parents thought I was faking the severity of it all until I passed out regularly. They took my to the doctors and I was diagnosed with a very severe case of mono. Months of being sick went by, to the point where I couldnt walk, and I was in and out of hospitals trying to figure out what was wrong. All my friends left. I was 13 and being bullied so intensely, constantly pushed and told to kill myself. I was rarely able to go to school and was tutored at home, but when I went in I was miserable and only got more sick. I was diagnosed when I was 14, but tests continued and more issues kept coming back. I was so small and sick, I struggled with doing anything and I couldnt physically take care of myself. With medications, I slowly got more stable. But my life expectancy was very low and they thought I’d become too sick before they could fix it. as I became more stable, I was given the ok to go to school. I switched schools to avoid bullying. I was happy there at first, but I became more depressed as my bio mom was reintroduced into my life more. Eventually I started self harming. After having more issues with old friends, it got worse. I was 15 and covered my body all the time. Often I was in a wheel chair and couldnt walk. Thats when I made this blog. It became an escape for me and I loved talking to you guys because you were all so kind and interesting. It made my day to come home from the hospital to all these kind messages. It encouraged me to go to therapy and I’m still in therapy now. My eating was never good due to childhood trauma, and it got worse as I struggled. I hid it for so long. Then, I was sexually abused by someone I trusted. I went along with it because I was scared and threatened into being quiet. But I was so unhappy. My health, physical and emotional got worse and eventually I had a suicide attempt. I got my service dog and my Make A Wish at 17 and 16 and for those years I had some sort of hope. I was beyond thankful for everything every one did for me and they’re some of my most cherished memories. But, my eating disorder got worse with some family issues. I dropped to 90 pounds and was sent to an ED clinic. It didnt really help and I bounced around programs to find what could help. i went to college and managed to maintain a better weight with support from my new friends. At the end of the school year, I was dumped. It was a hard breakup for me and I felt really alone because it was then summer and my friends lived far away and the person I cared for the most was gone. I had a suicide attempt and ended up in the hospital. When I got out, I met Brendan. He made me laugh at my lowest point and he understood when I couldn’t explain myself. I’m still going from doctor to doctor, and as I move on I can feel my body getting very bad again. My heart isn’t doing well and the pain is horrible. I’m looking into certain treatments and my last resort is chemo. I have a low life expectancy, but I’m trying to ignore that and learn to enjoy my life while I can. Honestly I’m scared because this is my first time wanting to be alive and stay for everyone I love. But I’m accepting that my body can only handle so much for so long. I wasn’t expected to make it to 20 and here I am haha. I left some stuff out, things I don’t feel very comfortable sharing and all, but that’s been the majority of my life up until now. Don’t know if I’ll keep this up tbh, but I’ll try xx