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bronzeflower · 7 years

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Who The Fuck Writes A Ten-Page Rant?????

Also on ao3

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Chapter 10: Romantic Advice And The Greatest Rap Battle In History

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: HEY, DAVE. CG: I TRIED TO TROLL YOU YESTERDAY, BUT IT SAID YOU WERE IDLE. CG: ARE YOU HERE NOW?

TG: you bet your bottom dollar im here TG: sorry for not answering yesterday btw TG: got distracted by a bunch of other people pestering and trolling me

CG: IT’S FINE. CG: WE ALL GET BOMBARDED BY OTHERS AT SOME POINT OR ANOTHER. CG: WHO DID YOU TALK TO?

TG: some of my friends who you also apparently know or knew TG: i learned a lot of shit yesterday TG: namely that all of my friends know who you are TG: jade knows who you are TG: john knows who you are TG: terezi knows who you are but that was kind of expected but i did not expect that you were friends with her since fucking kindergarten TG: and then also aradia apparently was friends with you in middle school????

CG: WHAT? CG: YOU TALKED TO ARADIA? CG: GEEZ, I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HER IN AGES. CG: HAS SHE DIED YET?

TG: not that i know of TG: as far as i know she is as nice and cheerful as ever

CG: CHEERFUL? CG: CLEARLY WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE SAME ARADIA.

TG: so you arent talking about aradia megido here

CG: I AM, BUT CHEERFUL IS PROBABLY THE LAST WORD I WOULD USE TO DESCRIBE HER. CG: SHE WAS ALWAYS KIND OF CREEPY, AND SHE ACTED DEAD HALF THE TIME. CG: SHE ALSO DID A BUNCH OF CRAZY SHIT AS IF SHE COULDN'T DIE. CG: IT WAS, FRANKLY, EXTREMLY CONCERNING.

TG: that doesnt sound like the ara i know at all TG: except for the crazy shit part TG: she still does crazy shit TG: the ara i know is super fucking cheerful and happy TG: wait when you say she acted dead what do you mean

CG: I MEAN SHE ACTED LIKE EVERYTHING WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN. CG: IT WAS HONESTLY SUPER CREEPY. CG: THE ONLY TIME I REMEMBER THAT SHE SHOWED SOME EMOTION WAS WHEN EQUIUS TRIED TO ASK HER OUT. CG: TO BE FAIR, HE DIDN'T EXACTLY DO IT IN THE BEST WAY. CG: HE KIND OF DESERVED TO GET BEAT UP.

TG: holy shit TG: i dont know who the fuck equius is but what was the damage

CG: HE HAD A BROKEN BONE OR TWO, AND HE ALSO HAD TWO BLACK EYES. CG: WHICH WAS REALLY FUCKING IMPRESSIVE SINCE HE WAS SUPER FUCKING BUFF AND KNEW MARTIAL ARTS.

TG: can a middle school child be buff

CG: YES. APPARANTLY. CG: AND, AS MUCH AS NEPETA THOUGHT THE PAIRING WAS CUTE, SHE WAS ONE OF THE FIRST PEOPLE TO ADMIT THAT THE WAY EQUIUS ASKED ARADIA OUT WAS CREEPY.

TG: how did he even ask her out

CG: IT'S A MEMORY I PREFER TO KEEP REPRESSED.

TG: that bad

CG: YES. CG: IT WAS HORRIBLE TO WATCH, AND THEN ARADIA GOT SUSPENDED FOR AN AMOUNT OF TIME.

TG: she did it at school???

CG: SHE DID. CG: SHE ALSO DIDN'T OFFER ANY MERCY. CG: THE ONLY REASON THAT SHE STOPPED BEATING UP EQUIUS IS BECAUSE A TEACHER MANAGED TO PRY HER OFF HIM.

TG: jesus christ TG: i wasnt even sure that aradia was capable of being angry TG: she was clearly a very different kind of person when she knew you

CG: CLEARLY.

TG: also i dont know who nepeta is either

CG: SHE WAS EQUIUS'S MOIRAIL. CG: SHE STILL IS, AS FAR AS I KNOW. CG: I TALK TO HER SEMI-OFTEN. CG: I SHOULD PROBABLY TALK TO HER MORE.

TG: how many of your friends from middle school do you still even know and talk to

CG: WELL, I STILL TALK TO NEPETA, KANAYA, TEREZI, SOLLUX, AND ERIDAN. CG: SOMETIMES I HAVE THE DISPLEASURE OF TALKING TO EQUIUS. CG: GAMZEE STILL CONTACTS ME SOMETIMES, BUT I TRY TO AVOID TALKING WITH HIM BECAUSE OF THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN THE PAST. CG: I'VE BARELY HEARD ABOUT VRISKA SINCE SHE WENT TO JAIL FOR SOMETHING. CG: I CAN'T, FOR THE LIFE OF ME, REMEMBER FOR WHAT, BUT I THINK IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN FOR STEALING SOMETHING. CG: AND THEN I DON'T REALLY TALK TO FEFERI, TAVROS, OR ARADIA ANYMORE. CG: I THINK THAT'S BASICALLY EVERYONE I WAS FRIENDS WITH IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.

TG: holy shit thats a shit ton of people TG: when i was in middle school i was only friends with john jade and rose TG: and rose was my fucking twin and john and jade lived miles and miles away from me TG: and you still talk to a bunch of them TG: even if i dont know who most of them are but will probably find out eventually TG: i think john once dated a girl named vriska TG: dont know if it is the same one

CG: WAS SHE WEIRDLY OBSESSED WITH SPIDERS AND THE NUMBER EIGHT?

TG: she was actually

CG: THEN IT WAS THE SAME ONE I KNEW.

TG: shit TG: john still has lingering effects of her influence TG: like typing out eight characters when drawing words out

CG: WELL, SHE WASN'T DATING JOHN WHEN I MET HIM, SO SHE MUST HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF JAIL.

TG: well i guess that development is settled TG: i apparently know a fair amount of the people you knew TG: who would have guessed

CG: PROBABLY ANYONE WHO KNEW BOTH OF US CG: ALSO, COULD I ASK YOU FOR ARADIA'S TROLLHANDLE? CG: I WAS BEING SERIOUS WHEN I SAID I HADN'T TALKED TO HER IN AGES. CG: AND I DON'T KNOW IF SHE STILL HAS THE SAME TROLLHANDLE.

TG: sure thing dude TG: her trollhandle is apocalypsearisen

CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S STILL THE SAME. CG: I COULD HAVE CONTACTED HER AT ANY FUCKING TIME.

TG: i wouldnt worry about it that much TG: you probably just didnt want to risk contacting someone super weird who you didnt actually know anything about

CG: I GUESS, BUT STILL.

TG: besides it is super hard to get a hold of her at all so i only really ever talk to her like once every few months TG: she does all this archeology shit so half the time she is in a place with no internet

CG: OH. CG: I GUESS THAT MAKES SENSE. CG: ARCHEOLOGY IS PRETTY COOL THOUGH.

TG: yeah she gets to lead expeditions and shit now its pretty fucking awesome TG: going around licking shit to see if something is a rock or a bone

CG: WHY THE FLYING FUCK WOULD YOU GO AROUND LICKING RANDOM THINGS TO SEE IF IT IS A ROCK OR A BONE?

TG: because if it is a bone then your tongue will stick TG: thats how you know its not going to be useless if you shove it into a museum

CG: THAT'S REALLY WEIRD.

TG: you havent even heard about licking some thousand or something year old honey to see if it was still good TG: spoilers TG: it was because honey never spoils

CG: THAT SOUNDS LIKE BULLSHIT.

TG: no man its one hundred percent true TG: complete and absolute fact

CG: I'M STILL GOING TO CALL BULLSHIT.

TG: dont say i didnt warn ya TG: one day youre going to be arguing with someone and then youll both look it up on wikipedia to see whos right TG: and low and behold you were wrong TG: you will have to live with that humiliation for the rest of your life

CG: I THINK I'LL GET OVER IT.

TG: wow okay

CG: ANYWAY, I'M GLAD ARADIA IS DOING SOMETHING THAT SHE PRESUMABLY ENJOYS WITH HER LIFE. CG: SHE DOES ENJOY HER JOB, RIGHT?

TG: hell yeah she does TG: every time i contact her we trade stories about things that have happened in the past few months TG: sometimes really dumb shit happens that we tell to our other friends TG: while others are closely guarded secrets that we only tell one another and they never see the light of day

CG: WHAT KIND OF SECRETS?

TG: secret secrets TG: the most secrety kind of secrets you could ever conceivably have and share with another living thing that has the capability to tell others your secret TG: except that you trust them enough not to tell anybody about it

CG: ARE YOU SURE YOU ONLY TALK TO HER ONCE EVERY FEW MONTHS?

TG: yeah i would like to talk to her more but she is a busy person and so am i TG: our schedules dont always line up TG: particularly because of her going to places where she doesnt have internet and is therefore unable to contact anybody

CG: THAT SOUNDS PRETTY SHITTY. CG: I CAN'T IMAGINE NOT TALKING TO KANAYA FOR MONTHS AT A TIME.

TG: its a system that works just fine for aradia and i TG: it would be nice to see her in person every now and then tho

CG: WAIT, I HAVE A QUESTION. CG: HOWEVER, IT MAY BE KIND OF PERSONAL, SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER IT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.

TG: ill answer depending on the question so go ahead and shoot

CG: ARE YOU MOIRAILS WITH ARADIA? CG: BECAUSE A LOT OF THE STUFF YOU DESCRIBED TALKING TO HER ABOUT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING YOU WOULD ONLY EVER TELL YOUR MOIRAIL.

TG: oh um TG: moirail is like the intimate best friend right TG: like pale and shit

CG: YES. THAT IS THE QUADRANT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

TG: ... TG: i actually have no idea

CG: OKAY, SO IF YOU TWO AREN'T OFFICIAL MOIRAILS YET, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT HER?

TG: shit man i dont know TG: i just kind of think that shes a cool person who i would prefer to hang out with more TG: but like i know that her job is important to her

CG: YES?

TG: i dont know its just like TG: it would be nice to hear more from her TG: just to know that shes alive and doing well and safe and shit TG: you know

CG: YES, I DO KNOW. CG: BECAUSE I HAVE A MOIRAIL, SO I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE FEELING RIGHT HERE.

TG: oh TG: huh TG: i feel like my previous definition is an intimate friend was kind of correct then TG: but like also kind of not TG: im not exactly sure how serious this kind of relationship is though

CG: IT JUST DEPENDS ON WHO YOU DECIDE TO BE MOIRAILS WITH. CG: FOR SOME PEOPLE, IT'S A VERY SERIOUS COMMITMENT, BUT, FOR OTHERS, IT'S MORE CASUAL. CG: SOME EVEN WANT TO HAVE AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP, WHICH IS MORE COMMON WITH HUMANS, BUT WHATEVER. CG: REALLY, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY TALK TO ARADIA ABOUT THIS AND TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL. CG: IF THE TWO OF YOU HAVE BEEN SHARING SECRETS LIKE YOU SAID YOU WERE, THEN SHE PROBABLY FEELS THE SAME WAY. CG: ALTHOUGH, THE RELATIONSHIP MAY BE DIFFICULT TO MAINTAIN BECAUSE OF DISTANCE. CG: ON THE OTHER HAND, YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER HASN'T BEEN DIMINISHED FROM TIME AND DISTANCE, SO IT MIGHT HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO TURN INTO A STRONG MOIRALLEGIANCE.

TG: i think im going to think on it for a bit longer TG: but thanks anyway for the relationship advice

CG: OF COURSE. CG: ROMANCE IS MY FORTE.

TG: speaking of romance though TG: talk to me about your novel TG: it sounds pretty interesting from what little i have heard about it TG: and based on the amount of writing i have read from you its really good TG: so you should totally yell at the top of your lungs about it TG: shout your passions to the world and if anyone gives you shit about it punch them

CG: I DO THAT ANYWAYS. CG: I HAVE PUNCHED MULTIPLE PEOPLE. CG: THERE IS REALLY NO NEED TO ENCOURAGE IT.

TG: thats the spirit TG: so novel time TG: lay out your outline of novel in amazing detail for me TG: or whatever amount you feel comfortable with TG: really there isnt any pressure or anything

CG: FINE, IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE SO INSISTENT. CG: THE BASIC SETTING OF MY NOVEL IS THAT TWO INDIVIDUALS MEET WHILE IN COLLEGE. CG: THEY MEET IN A TEA SHOP BECAUSE I CAN DO WHAT I WANT. CG: SO ANYWAY, WHEN THEY FIRST MEET, THEY FUCKING HATE EACH OTHER. CG: THEY'RE JUST COMPLETE OPPOSITES, BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT A BUNCH OF THEIR FRIENDS ARE FRIENDS WITH EACH OTHER, SO THEY END UP SPENDING MORE TIME TOGETHER. CG: THE MORE TIME THEY SPEND TOGETHER, THE MORE THEY REALIZE THAT THEY ACTUALLY LIKE THE OTHER PERSON. CG: WHICH EVENTUALLY LEADS TO THEM FALLING IN LOVE AND BEGINNING TO DATE.

TG: that sounds super interesting TG: infinitely better than that bullshit in romance novels where they fall in love with each other instantly and then spend most of the novel skirting around each other and beating around the bush TG: i havent actually read any romance novels but im pretty sure that is how it goes

CG: THAT'S PRETTY MUCH HOW IT GOES USUALLY. CG: AS MUCH AS A LOVE ROMANCE BOOKS AND MOVIES, THAT TROPE IS PRETTY FUCKING ANNOYING. CG: IT'S LIKE, JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER, YOU COMPLETE DOUCHNOZZLES! CG: OKAY, SO I MAY NOT BE THE BEST PERSON TO SAY THAT, BUT STILL! CG: I GOT BETTER! CG: I ASKED OUT KANAYA, AND IT WAS GREAT!

TG: really

CG: YES. CG: PEOPLE ALWAYS SEEM TO THINK THAT KANAYA WAS THE ONE WHO ASKED ME OUT, BUT THAT IS NOT THE CASE. CG: I GATHERED UP THE NERVE, AND I TOLD HER THAT I WAS PALE FOR HER. CG: YEAH, *SOME* PEOPLE MAY CALL MY APPROACH A TAD BIT EXTRA, BUT I WAS TRYING TO BE ROMANTIC, GODDAMNIT!

TG: how exactly are you supposed to be romantic with pale romance

CG: I GAVE HER SOME FLOWERS, WHICH CAN BE USED TO EXPRESS FEELINGS FOR ANY AND ALL THE QUADRANTS. CG: TYPICALLY PEOPLE JUST WRAP THE BOUQUET OF FLOWERS IN A COLORED WRAP THAT REPRESENTS THEIR FEELINGS. CG: RED FOR RED, PINK FOR PALE, BLACK FOR BLACK, AND GRAY FOR ASHEN. CG: I HAPPENED TO ALSO CHOOSE FLOWERS THAT WERE MEANINGFUL AS WELL, SO THE BOUQUET OF FLOWERS I GAVE KANAYA HAD YELLOW ROSES, AND IT ALSO HAD SOME CHRYSANTHEMUMS.

TG: what do those mean

CG: YELLOW ROSES MEAN FRIENDSHIP, WHILE CHRYSANTHEMUMS MEAN SUPPORT. CG: I TRIED TO AVOID ANY FLOWERS THAT MEANT LONGEVITY AND STUFF LIKE THAT BECAUSE THOSE CAN MAKE YOU LOOK DESPERATE. CG: YOU ONLY GIVE THOSE SORTS OF FLOWERS TO SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN YOUR MOIRAIL FOR A REALLY LONG TIME. CG: IT IS ALSO TRADITIONAL FOR THE BOUQUET OF FLOWERS TO BE TIED WITH TWO RIBBONS, ONE WITH YOUR BLOOD COLOR, AND THE OTHER WITH THE OTHER'S BLOOD COLOR. CG: SOME PEOPLE DO DIFFERENT KNOTS TO REPRESENT DIFFERENT THINGS, BUT I WON'T GET INTO THAT.

TG: this all sounds really fucking complicated

CG: YEAH, WELL THAT IS PROBABLY WHY PEOPLE CALLED ME EXTRA. CG: BUT, IN ADDITION TO THE FLOWERS, IT IS ROMANTIC TO BRING THE PALE ROMANTIC INTEREST THEIR COMFORT FOOD, ALONG WITH ONE OF THEIR FAVORITE MOVIES OR BOOKS. CG: IT SHOWS THAT YOU ALREADY KNOW THE PERSON FAIRLY WELL, AND WOULD LIKE TO PURSUE A PALE RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM. CG: SO, I BROUGHT KANAYA HER COMFORT FOOD AND HER FAVORITE BOOK.

TG: i assume she responded positively since you two are now moirails

CG: YES. CG: WE HAD A VERY ENJOYABLE DATE.

TG: are there any nuances about the other quadrants i should know about

CG: IT DEPENDS ON WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE WILLING TO DO A BLACK OR ASHEN RELATIONSHIP. CG: MOST PARTICIPATE IN THE MORE RED QUADRANTS, BUT MANY FEEL WEIRD ABOUT THE DARKER ONES. CG: TO BE FAIR, THEY ARE EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO KEEP UP BECAUSE THEY REQUIRE A PROPER RIVALRY. CG: THE BASIC STIRRINGS OF BLACK FEELINGS IS A FEELING OF RESPECT FOR THE OTHER PERSON. CG: YOU CAN'T HAVE A PROPER RIVALRY IF YOU DON'T RESPECT THE OTHER PERSON AND RECOGNIZE THAT THEY HAVE GOOD TRAITS. CG: THE MORE MAJOR FEELINGS THAT TEND TO GET UP PLAYED ARE THE FEELINGS OF ANIMOSITY TOWARDS THE OTHER PERSON. CG: HOWEVER, PEOPLE SEEM TO FORGET THAT THE RESPECT PLAYS A HUGE PART IN BLACK ROMANCE. CG: THE ASHEN QUADRANT IS EVEN MORE DIFFICULT BECAUSE IT TAKES THE BLACK QUADRANT AND ADDS ANOTHER PERSON TO MAKE SURE THAT THE KISMESISES DON'T KILL EACH OTHER. CG: SOMETIMES, THE HAPPENINGS OF A PITCH RELATIONSHIP IS DEPENDENT ON HOW GOOD THE AUSPISTICE IS. CG: AND THERE ARE VERY FEW GOOD AUSPISTICES, MUCH LESS PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY INTERESTING IN BEING ONE. CG: KANAYA IS ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE I KNOW WHO ACTUALLY HOLDS AN INTEREST IN BEING AN AUSPISTICE, SO SHE KNOWS MORE ABOUT IT.

TG: well thats a shit ton of information TG: i think i need my info a bit more spread out and a bit more simply worded TG: although it might just be because i have a hard time wrapping my mind around this black romance stuff TG: i think ill stick with the red quadrants thank you very much

CG: WELL, IF YOU EVER NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT QUADRANTS AND THE ROMANCE ASSOCIATED WITH EACH OF THEM, THEN I'M THE PERSON TO GO TO.

TG: i think i got that with the first word about quadrants that decided to waterfall out of your mouth

CG: THAT IS BECAUSE I AM SUPERIOR WHEN IT COMES TO KNOWLEDGE ABOUT QUADRANTS.

TG: yes you are TG: bow down to the great king of quadrants everybody TG: his greatness and might are too glorious to behold TG: youve got to fuckin look in the corner of your eyes to even begin to behold his beauty and glory TG: all hail the king of the quadrants

CG: FUCK YES. CG: BOW DOWN TO ME, PEASANTS, FOR I AM YOUR GOD. CG: QUIVER BEFORE MY MIGHT.

TG: they quiver before you my liege TG: they are fearful of the power you possess

CG: OKAY, THIS IS SOUNDING WAY TOO MUCH LIKE ONE OF NEPETA'S ROLEPLAYS, SO I'M GOING TO PUT A STOP TO IT HERE. CG: JUST, STOP.

TG: oh shit if nepeta does this kind of roleplay shit im going to need a way to contact her

CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I EVER WANT TO GIVE YOU THE MEANS TO TALK TO HER.

TG: because you want your friends to meet each other

CG: NOT REALLY. CG: ANYTIME THAT HAPPENS, THE TWO END UP GETTING ALONG INSUFFERABLY WELL, AND THEY END UP MAKING ME SUFFER.

TG: i guess ill just have to find another way to get her contact information

CG: GOOD FUCKING LUCK WITH THAT. CG: BUT SERIOUSLY, IF YOU END UP TALKING TO NEPETA, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TALK TO EQUIUS AT ONE POINT OR ANOTHER. CG: THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS EXTREMELY SERIOUS. CG: THE TWO ARE SO PALE FOR EACH OTHER IT'S ALMOST SICKENING. CG: YOU MIGHT END UP WITH A BROKEN HAND.

TG: what for talking to nepeta TG: that seems like a dick move

CG: NO, IT WON'T BE FOR TALKING TO NEPETA. CG: IT WILL JUST BE FOR MEETING HIM. CG: HE HAS A REALLY STRONG HANDSHAKE. CG: DO NOT USE YOUR DOMINATE HAND WHEN GIVING HIM A HANDSHAKE.

TG: ... TG: ill keep that in mind TG: btw i want to know something TG: has rose pestered you yet

CG: WHY WOULD SHE PESTER ME?

TG: so she hasnt TG: she found out it was going to be kanayas bday soon and she was freaking out about it TG: because she didnt know what to get kanaya TG: i told her to contact you since you are moirails with kanaya

CG: KANAYA WOULD BE OVERJOYED JUST BEING GIVEN A GIFT FROM ROSE. CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT ROSE IS FREAKING OUT ABOUT.

TG: thats what i said TG: but yeah you should probably message her just to make sure she hasnt gone into solitude about it

CG: HAS SHE ACTUALLY GONE INTO SOLITUDE FOR THINGS LIKE THAT?

TG: no TG: she mostly goes into solitude near a book deadline TG: but still TG: it is a concern of mine

CG: ALRIGHT. CG: I'LL TRY TO TALK SOME SENSE INTO HER. CG: WHAT'S HER HANDLE?

TG: tentacletherapist

CG: I GUESS I'LL GO MESSAGE HER NOW. CG: I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

TG: see ya my dude

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

You begin to brainstorm ideas for possible videos for your channel in the future, and you kept this up for about an hour before someone started messaging you.

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

GA: This Is Dave Correct GA: I Am Kanaya Just In Case You Did Not Recognize My Handle

TG: yep this is dave TG: whats up kanaya what do you need

GA: I Do Not Actually Need Anything From You GA: I Simply Wanted To Make Sure That I Had The Handle Right Before Contacting You In The Future GA: However I Would Not Be Adverse To A Conversation

TG: well lets see what could we possibly talk about TG: there are a shit ton of potential topics we could discuss TG: and yet my brain is coming up blank TG: despite all my swank this shit aint ready to bank TG: the topics at hand are inside the void TG: were reaching for them grabbing at them TG: but we miss more than a storm trooper droid TG: we pick up a topic and were like oh shit we grabbed it TG: only for it to slip out of our hands and end up cracking it

GA: Do You Happen To Partake In The Art Of Slam Poetry

TG: thats like the troll way of saying rap right TG: hell fucking yeah i do TG: do you want to do a rap battle with me

GA: I Do Not Do This Sort Of Thing Very Often But I Would Like To Accept Your Challenge GA: Would You Rather You Or I Go First

TG: if youre feeling up to it you can go first

GA: If You Insist GA: Here I Go GA: The World Was Created A Long Time Ago GA: And Yet It Has No Time For Your Parlor Tricks GA: All They Do Is Make Us Sick GA: The Stars Align And They Make Me Shine GA: Far Brighter Than The Sun That I Have Claimed As Mine GA: You Seem To Have The Belief That You Are Better Than I GA: But I Regret To Inform You That I Will Make You Cry

TG: holy shit that was great TG: but frankly i have to reiterate TG: my rhymes are slick and holding to a beat TG: theres not a lot of thinking that goes into what im bringing TG: theres no time to think no time to meet TG: just listen to the words here that i here am singing TG: youve got to have more than rhymes to kick my ass TG: and frankly based on that youre not gonna last TG: cause my beats are sick so sick in fact TG: that my old raps are practically some cool artifact

GA: That Youre Raps Are An Artifact You Have Correct GA: But I Have To Inform You That You Need To Double Check GA: What You Think It Means At Least GA: For I Believe They Were Thrown In The Garbage Yesterday GA: You Should Feel Horrid If That Is The Case GA: That Is Where They Were Meant To Be Anyway GA: Mine However Are The Hottest You Ever Will See GA: And If You Say Otherwise All Will Disagree

TG: my rhymes may be trash but theyre ironically shitty TG: just wait and see if you can reach my level of petty TG: my beats made of coal and with enough pressure and heat TG: my beats will be the most beautiful diamonds on the street TG: ill be forever engrained in the earth TG: youll be the one always waiting around for a rebirth

GA: Im Going To Have To Say I Agree Your Rhymes Are Shitty GA: Theyre Gritty And Im Pretty GA: And Im Worth More Than Being Just Petty GA: Youre Admitting That Your Trash GA: You Might As Well Be Ash GA: Ive Won Already So I Hope That You Are Ready GA: Your Diamonds Are Fake As Is Your Declaration GA: Just Pack Up Your Bags Youre Leaving The Station

TG: okay okay i yield TG: leaving the station now TG: didnt even pack my bags thats how roasted my ass got TG: your rhymes are too sick for me to handle TG: like holy shit where did you learn to rap like that

GA: I Dabble In The Art Of Slam Poetry And The Art Of Poetry Alike GA: Not As Often As I Would Like Though GA: Perhaps We Can Do This Again Another Time

TG: i will totally take you up on your offer TG: its been a while since ive had a worthy opponent TG: especially one that beat me into the ground so soundly

GA: I Will Continue Honing My Skills

TG: and ill do the same over here

GA: It Was Enjoyable Talking With You GA: Or In This Case Slamming With You GA: I Will Contact You In The Future

TG: wait hold on before you go TG: karkat mentioned a friend named nepeta and i want to get her contact info TG: do you have this information

GA: Her Trollhandle Is ArsenicCatnip GA: However I Do Not Know Why Karkat Would Withhold This Information From You

TG: i think he might have been worried how well we would get along

GA: I Still Do Not Understand GA: I Should Be Going Now GA: I Will Message You Again In The Future

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

Well, you guess it’s time to message Nepeta for the first time.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering arsenicCatnip [AC] --

TG: yo youre nepeta right TG: i heard about you from my friend karkat who is also your friend TG: i got your handle from kanaya tho because karkat refused TG: he said he didnt want to bring the powers that we have together TG: well i said fuck that and so here i am pestering you

AC: :33 < i am nepeta, but who are mew?

TG: oh shit TG: i guess i completely forgot to introduce my awesome self TG: im dave TG: nice to meet you

AC: :33 < its nice to m33t you too! AC: :33 < how did you and karcat meet? AC: :33 < he doesnt really talk to anyone outside his furiend group

TG: i met him at his work and i kinda rambled a shit ton like i always do TG: and i made him laugh and i gave him my chumhandle

AC: :33 < ! AC: :33 < you made him laugh? AC: :33 < i almost nefur hear him laugh beclaws he just wants to be all grumpy all the time

TG: it might of just been because he was at work and didnt feel like risking yelling at me TG: which he does all the time TG: anyway i heard you like roleplaying with people

AC: :33 < i do! AC: :33 < would mew like to rolepurrlay with me?

TG: hell yes

AC: :33 < i usually rolepurrlay as a cat AC: :33 < what would mew like to be?

TG: shit if were going to be doing animals and shit then i want to be a crow TG: crows are the shit TG: you can start if you want to

AC: :33 < *ac crouches behind some bushes, watching her unsuspecting prey*

TG: *tg stands there pecking at the ground or some shit*

AC: :33 < *when ac is sure the crow isnt suspecting it, she pounces!*

TG: *tg squawks as ac attacks him he is completely fucking oblivious to how this could have possibly happened*

AC: :33 < *ac successfurlly holds the crow in her claws, purrparing to eat her dinner*

TG: *tg begs that ac does not eat him over and over he shouts to not be eaten by her*

AC: :33 < *ac carefurlly considers not eating the crow* AC: :33 < *in the end, howefur, ac opens her maw and asks if the crow would like to watch a documentary about animals!*

TG: *tg stares in disbelief at his tactic of begging actually working* TG: *not wanting to give ac any reason to eat him he accepts her invitation* TG: *he says that he would love to*

AC: :33 < *ac says that this rolepurrlay was furry fun!*

TG: *tg says ditto and would like to do this again sometime*

AC: :33 < *ac agrees but must go now so she will troll you again in the furture*

-- arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

Well, that was pretty fun. Soon enough, you both will be able to use your powers for evil. And by evil, you mean to annoy Karkat, at least a little bit. Maybe you could invite them both out at some point.

You hear the doorbell ring, and you go to the door to find a package at your doorstep. Sweet. More stuff to review for your channel. As if you didn’t have enough shit already.

You set up your recording stuff and start recording. You open the box in absolute silence and slowly pull out the merchandise. It’s a rug. A very, very soft rug.

“The first carpet industry was made in 1791 by a dude named William Sprague in Philadelphia. However, it isn’t the United States that make the best rugs. Eastern counties actually have the best carpets, like India. They make a hell of a lot of rugs. This rug isn’t from India though. It’s just a really soft rug. Look how soft that shit is. Softer than the nicest goddamned silk in the world.”

You rub the carpet against your face.

“Just be sure to take off all the tags so you can get the full sensory experience of the rug. Now, of course, I can’t just keep rubbing my face against this lovely carpet. I’ve got to put it on the floor where it can do what it’s supposed to do. Be a rug.”

You place the carpet on the floor and step on it. You wriggle around your toes.

“Still just as amazing on my feet as it was on my face. Though, you might not want it to rub your face against it once you’ve rubbed your feet on it. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. I’m not judging. But you might want to wash it.”

After a few more minutes of rambling on about the texture and color and other sensory stuff about the carpet before stopping the recording.

Time to edit the fuck out of this shit. After you find a place for the pink carpet you bought. It was way too nice to throw away, and pink is a great color.

#davekat #aradave #pale aradave #karkat vantas #dave strider #homestuck #kanaya maryam #nepeta leijon

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gulescamisade · 7 years

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Mega Texas: Day 11

ARADIA: -she's humming something to herself while they are traveling and writing something down in a notebook-

SOLLUX: -He's been pretty out of it a large portion of this trip, but the sound of Aradia's voice rouses him from a fitful sleep, and it's a fair bit more soothing than half-assed rest. He finds himself drifting a little awkwardly through the aisle to drop down in the seat next to her, leaning his head on her shoulder.-

ARADIA: -pats his head- hi

ARADIA: whats up?(edited)

SOLLUX: mmh.

SOLLUX: can't sleep.

ARADIA: -gentle pets- what are you thinking about

SOLLUX: dunn0.

SOLLUX: feel like there's t00 much t0 think ab0ut. s0 maybe i'm n0t trying t0.

DIRK: -he's pretending to be napping, but to be fair he was definitely making an effort. when sollux slinked away it became impossible to try, so he's just kinda curled up in a seat now, eavesdropping.-

ARADIA: that makes sense but

ARADIA: trying not to just makes you think about it

SOLLUX: d0n't underestimate my ability t0 run fr0m my th0ughts. -snort-

ARADIA: i exactimate

SOLLUX: what is that a new 0ffice supply?

ARADIA: how did you know

SOLLUX: gl0bal marketing pl0ys are all the same.

ARADIA: damn

ARADIA: -pauses a little- hey

ARADIA: i saw her

SOLLUX: what?

ARADIA: i saw her

SOLLUX: i heard that part.

SOLLUX: what d0 y0u mean?

ARADIA: with feferi

SOLLUX: ...

ARADIA: wait

ARADIA: -checks her com-

ARADIA: ok we are good

ARADIA: anyway

ARADIA: you know where i go when im asleep

ARADIA: now i can go into dreams where some souls of the dead are stored

DIRK: -listening to this is making him too anxious. he gets up and makes a bee line for the bathroom again. hello darkness my old friend...-

SOLLUX: ... 0kay.

ARADIA: she wanted me to tell you something in particular

ARADIA: maybe it will help

SOLLUX: ... -He can't think of anything to say, now. He's just quiet, waiting.-

ARADIA: she told me to tell you

ARADIA: she said dont worry

ARADIA: and she will find her way back to you

ARADIA: she said she promises

SOLLUX: .... heh.

SOLLUX: -It's just one noise, and then after a long moment he sort of shifts against her, sitting up again and leaning his head back against his seat.-

SOLLUX: yeah.

SOLLUX: she w0uld.

ARADIA: we are pretty good at coming back

SOLLUX: yeah we are.

SOLLUX: ... -He takes a deep breath and exhales it slow, and then his hand slides over, searching for hers.-

ARADIA: -she holds his hand tightly so he doesn't have to look for long-

SOLLUX: -It's in that moment when she finds him -- when he doesn't have to keep looking -- that everything stings behind where his eyes would have been, and his throat is too tight, his teeth clenching. There's something crawling up through the tight space left where he should have been breathing and it's strained, a sound that's bare, too many years in the making. Losing people doesn't really get easier, does it?-

ARADIA: -sadly not. she moves to use her other harm to just hug him. words can't really do justice here. he heard what he needs to hear, and the rest is just being there. existing. sitting in the sadness and loss and grief of another person while acknowledging that you don't have access to the fix-

---

DIRK: -eventually he emerges from the bathroom again, but he doesn't feel any less anxious. it's only gotten to a point where being in the bathroom is now making him kind of anxious and claustrophobic. fun...-

ARADIA: -watches him as he leaves from her spot on the floor- hey

DIRK: -eyeballs her- Hey. -slides into a seat... then stands up again.-

ARADIA: -watches him sit and then stand- do you have to go again

DIRK: No.

DIRK: I just don't wanna sit.

DIRK: ... -steps around her so he can pace-

ARADIA: ok

ARADIA: -looks up at him still- you can get your steps in

DIRK: Thanks bro. I don't wanna get all flabby.

DIRK: -pacing pacing... running his hand over his forehead-- an unfortunate tick when he's got stitches there.- Ow. -hhhh. paces FASTER.-

ARADIA: do you

ARADIA: want to talk

DIRK: Not really.

DIRK: I know you aren't asking so much as suggesting. Or maybe you are. Who knows.

DIRK: Under most circumstances this is where Roxy or Rose or Dave would corner me like dude we're talking this out right now before you wear a hole in the floor.

DIRK: But nah. I don't want to talk.

SOLLUX: that's ab0ut the answer i was expecting.

SOLLUX: -commentary from the seats-

ARADIA: -keeps watching him- you want to pace

DIRK: Well, there you go.

DIRK: Everyone here knows how much I want to obsessively drag myself across this aisle. Thank you for honoring that.

SOLLUX: y0u're welc0me. -it's not to him but HES TALKING ANYWAY-

ARADIA: whatever human marriage is it worked out well for you

ARADIA: considering i heard double the amount of sarcasm i usually do in one sentence

SOLLUX: i'm t00 tired t0 pretend like this wh0le scenari0 isn't bullshit. at least s0meb0dy has the energy t0 pace.

DIRK: Luckily I always have spare energy in what I like to refer to as my insanity reserves.

DIRK: -stops pacing, instead just clenching and unclenching his fists. he wishes he had something to do with his hands, that'd be a better distraction.-

ARADIA: i like that name

ARADIA: it sounds like it could be a rock band

DISCIPLE: -UNCATS from one of the overhead compartments, slinking over and stretches her back.-

DISCIPLE: She has something for this.

DISCIPLE: -wrapping some Big Furred Kiton Mittonz around her hands, carefully.-

DIRK: ...

DISCIPLE: -HOLDS UP HER PAWS like a boxing trainer.-

DISCIPLE: Hit.

ARADIA: what a great idea

DIRK: -he seems to hesitate, but ultimately draws in close enough to raise his fists. they're a little scabbed over from the other day, but he doesn't really care about that. he takes a swing... shaking out some of the pain in his hand. and then he takes another. before long he's getting into a rhythm, and trying not to hit too hard.-

DISCIPLE: -BAT BAT BAT. She is a sturdy cat, taking the punches. At least the paws are relatively soft.-

DISCIPLE: This vehicle. She thinks it is growing too small.

DISCIPLE: The body does not like such small places, no.

DIRK: Right.

DIRK: There's a whole goddamn universe out there just beckoning to me.

DIRK: Where my loved ones are locked up. -punch.- Being tortured. -punch.- Dying. -PUNCH.-

DIRK: And here I am, stuck on this fucking plane. Wallowing over my own shitty decisions.

DIRK: Can't even think straight long enough to come up with some kind of plan.

DIRK: I'm supposed to-- -starts slowing down-

DIRK: Someone has to fix this. Someone needs to... help everyone.

DIRK: It's not me. -looks at his hands, turning them around a couple times. his knuckles are bleeding a little again.-

DISCIPLE: -She lowers her punchy paws, going instead for some fabric to wrap up his bloody knuckles, if he allows it.-

DIRK: -he lets her. he's finally too tired at that point to object.-

DISCIPLE: -she lets out a small chirp, tying off the fabric and petting his hand.-

DISCIPLE: She felt this way.

DISCIPLE: When they were caged.

DISCIPLE: She could not stand to look at the doors, sealed and locked tight. She beat herself against the walls.

DISCIPLE: -She lowers her head.- It was a terrible cage. It is a terrible cage. She is sorry again.

ARADIA: -listening politely. disciple has it handled but aradia is still supporting him-

DIRK: -nods slowly, sniffing. he hates that he keeps coming unhinged, and worse yet, that he can't express how grateful he is that someone is always around to put him back together.- Thanks... Again.

DIRK: -quietly moves to find a seat with sollux.-

DISCIPLE: -STRETCHES A LITTLE MORE AND SQUIRMS, climbing back up into the overhead compartment.-

ARADIA: -looks up at sollux and dirk. so fucking adorable. she's just going to lay on her back, deep in thought-

DIRK: -he is cute when he's sucumbing to deep hopelessness... it's true. he has such big sad eyes.-

DIRK: -leans on sollux whether he likes it or not.-

ARADIA: -looks at dirk from this vantage point and smiles at him-

#artifactualAnnihilation #twofoldacrimony #technetronicTactician #apostolicChronicler

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