#im sorry for this weird emotional rant but I just love her sm shes such a great person and im so glad to be able to call her my bestie

[xxmoonch1ldxx]

I'm so grateful for this community, for the amount of nice people there are here and how accepting everyone is, but I've got to say, there's one thing I'm most grateful of.

This is just a long emotional rant so skip this if you wish, but I need to let it out my chest.

I've been going through a bad depressive episode; so much so that I even started taking meds for it. It started getting a little better, the meds were finally working a little and that's when I encountered Smosh.

I didn't imagine I'd ever fall this deep. I've had hypergixations before, dozens, but never in this way, and I didn't imagine it'd be about them. It was a complete accident, me stumbling on the we bought smosh video and just being curious.

Not for the first time, this new hyperfixations on two grown men with an adorable friendship made me want to write because everything is gay and that's because I decided so. Therefore, as I often do, I started writing a little on this new hyperfixation. Usually, I just end up giving up or writing a few fics before going back to my two other main fandoms (monsta x and bts, for those wondering). However, I decided that I needed help and a better opinion; I scrolled through the ianthony tag and fell on @lilac-hecox 's blog. She wasn't the first one I saw, but the one I felt compelled to write to, so I did. And I assumed she'd either blow me off or we'd just end up talking a bit before never talking again as this usually happens.

I wasn't ready to meet someone so fantastic and someone who I would very quickly deeply care about. I'm someone who hates texting consistently, who ends up panicking after a few days of thinking I got this and am socially capable because my social anxiety takes the reign. And yet, we started talking every day, of wayyyy more than just fics. And I found in her the kindest of soul, the most loving and funniest one. Someone who's not only amazing, but also, loves just like I do. And I don't mean romantically, I have a bf for that, but I mean someone who isn't afraid to be open and vulnerable if it means I also get to be with her. I'm someone like Ian usually, someone who looks anthipathic and who is a bit more stoic than most people, but with her, it's different. I laugh all the time and she's someone who literally heard me cry and comforted me while I did so. Which is a fucking miracle because I very rarely cry and hate showing the most vulnerable parts of me.

But she's always there, everyday, to make me laugh and talk. She's one of the kindest, most generous person I've ever met. She sent me a fucking box full of little things and American chocolate (I'm canadian) because I've said once I wanted to try. She bought us matching bracelets, one that I wear all the time and never take off. Hell, I'm getting a tattoo referencing her in two weeks.

And this is kinda crazy because we only started talking in August, but this feels right. I feel like I've known her all my life. And really, I say this in the most platonic of ways, but she truly is like my soulmate. She's one of the most talented writer I've ever met, too, and she helped me through that healing phase of mine. I've started writing a lot and posting, too, which I had stopped doing when I started being too depressed. She makes me believe that life is worth living and that there are genuinely good people around, still. She's not only kind to me but to others, too! Just in general, to everyone she knows, she's present and just so implicated in everything. She changed many people's life for the better with her job, too, without going into details, but that's amazing. She's the kind of person I wanna grow up to be when I'm at her age and she just aspires me to get better every day.

So I guess, all that to say, thank you to Smosh for allowing me to meet this gorgeous girl and establishing the ground of our friendship. Lilac is truly one of my best friends and someone who makes me feel alive in the best ways; I see her when the skies are orange, when I see kids playing in the street and having fun and in the stray cats wandering among my neighbourhood. I love you, dude, and I'm just so glad we met. Thank you for existing, really, because you make my life and a lot of others' better by simply being there and being your sunny self.

You're the Ian to my Anthony and the sun to my moon. I love you so much, pookie, and I'll never let you go. Promise one day we'll meet up for real <3