#im srry if i have to taint my brain and my girlfriends' brain with this knowledge you all must be subjected to it

[gaymantle]

@commanderfraya recced six of crows to me and I finished it and crooked kingdom in three days so ofc the first thing we discussed was dumb aus

kitkat: can we just kitkat: take a moment kitkat: to imagine the six (or seven if we include kuwei) of them playing dnd

Not An Egg: kuwei joins in the middle of the campaign and doesn't know how dnd works

kitkat: kuwei: i throw a potion at the dragon matthias, patiently: the dragon is breathing fire you cant get close enough to-kuwei: i ROLL TO THROW A POTION THROUGH THE FLAME, INTO THE DRAGON'S NOSTRIL, WHERE IT WILL COMBUST AND RELEASE TOXIC FUMES matthias, less patiently: u have to get a nat 20 kuwei: fucking try me bitch kitkat: i dont know why matthias is the DM in my head except that matthias as the DM is objectively the funniest scenario besides maybe jesper being the DM 

Not An Egg: jesper: I roll to seduce the DM. matthias: jesper no. nina: JESPER YES. 

kitkat: fnfnghh kitkat: ok but jesper as the DM makes kaz roll nat 20s to do anything. if he doesnt roll a nat 20 he suffers some kind of disastrous consequence. no matter what the action is. kaz tries to eat a sandwich and chokes to death and has to fight his way back to the party from the spirit realm kitkat: i dont know how dnd works but im imagining this happens 

Not An Egg: oh m ygOD 

kitkat: jesper: if the player can stand in the corner and be silent for 20 minutes he can exit the spirit realm kaz: I WONT STAND FOR THIS jesper: roll to face the wraith in this cave inej: wait i know its an npc monster but can i be the wraith jesper: sure inej: i roll to eat the player kaz: inej how could you inej: I ROLL TO EAT THE PLAYER [kaz rolls a 16] [inej rolls a 4] jesper: tragically, kaz, you needed a nat20 to survive this encounter, so- 

Not An Egg: im cyrign jespser n o 

kitkat: kaz tries to commit a mutiny by starting his own campaign in the middle of the first campaign except no one joins him so it's just him and his characters lonely journey out of the spirit realm, which was what it was to begin with kitkat: wylan: i roll to hit the boss jesper: oh no, you dont need to roll for that, youve already defeated him wylan: what. its the final boss jesper: but as we all know you are beautiful and perfect and capable everyone else: [nodding sagely] sounds solid kitkat: kaz: the DM is biased. someone fix this. where is the rulebook jesper: who here thinks im biased. inej. inej ur the most objective one. do u think im biased inej: no. please banish my boyfriend to hell again 

Not An Egg: kaz: it says here right in the rulebook - jesper: I can't read suddenly, I don't know. wylan: wow. 

kitkat: gOD. kitkat: jesper: wylan can be official rulekeeper kaz: HE CANT READ THE RULEBOOK jesper: WHY ARE YOU MAKING WYLAN FEEL INSECURE ABOUT HIS DISABILITY YOU MONSTER kitkat: jesper: wylan can do anything he sets his mind to kaz: i kNOW BUT HE CANT READ THE RULEBOOK wylan: [places a gentle hand on kaz's shoulder] it's okay, dad. i'll persevere. for the game kitkat: kaz can't tell if he's serious. inej and nina are both making faces and expressive hand gestures behind kaz's back 

Not An Egg: kaz: HE'S NOT INSECURE. wylan: I'm insecure. I'm so insecure I'm about to cry. kaz: I can't believe you would betray me, your own father, 

kitkat: wylan: [giving kaz the most pitiful look he can muster] i really wanted someday to be able to mediate a game of dnd. it was on the list of important things to me kaz: you come into my house, 

Not An Egg: inej: I know it's hard to let the children go. kaz: But - inej: Wylan is a grown boy, Kaz. Let him make his own choices. kaz: -inarticulate noise of rage- wylan: I'll make you proud, dad. 

kitkat: matthias: [clapping both wylan and kaz on the shoulders] youve both come so far as men kaz: SPLUTTERING NOISE OF RAGE 

Not An Egg: kaz: I came out to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now 

kitkat: i like to imagine matthias during these games looks completely and utterly serene the entire time whether he's playing or DMing but every half hour or so he politely excuses himself from the table so he can go outside and bust a gut laughing

Not An Egg: GOD. Not An Egg: yes. 

kitkat: every time matthias DMs nina makes extra sure to have her character seduce anything and everything that they pass, regardless of whether it furthers the plot. including the trees 

Not An Egg: nina and jesper team up to seduce every monster they come across

kitkat: every time they both get a good seduction roll the group skips the monster fight and the monster joins their traveling harem kitkat: inej: can we not call it a harem nina: our traveling orgy band of loving consensual monster sex 

Not An Egg: oh my god 

kitkat: matthias passes out immediately 

Not An Egg: oh m yg o d Not An Egg: the harem helps with other monsters Not An Egg: kaz is in charge of playing the harem Not An Egg: he takes his responsibility very seriously 

kitkat: kaz plots the campaign for sixty hours and then no one does anything he planned kitkat: kaz spends fifty hours rendering the harem monsters varying and complete array of seduction skills

Not An Egg: matthias: I cannot believe you, of everyone, is participating in this lewd, inappropriate - kaz: they're a good investment.

kitkat: THEY'RE A GOOD INVESTMENT kitkat: nina: one of them should jizz acid kaz: [thoughtfully stroking his chin and nodding] a solid weapon to add to the arsenal

Not An Egg: kaz and matthias argue for 20 minutes whether kinky monster sex should be a drain on stamina.

kitkat: omg kitkat: the real question is whos arguing which side 

Not An Egg: "maybe the jizz can make you stronger." everyone turns to stare at kuwei. 

kitkat: kuwei is the guy whos mostly silent except to offer. this kitkat: i feel like kuwei would be in his element dissecting the potential properties of monster jizz 

Not An Egg: fcuk 

kitkat: kuwei starts rambling about legitimately scientific shit they could incorporate and matthias is equal parts horrified and fascinated

Not An Egg: nina: what about the monsters who don't jizz kuwei: perhaps monster sex is a ritual and grants you boosts or powers. kaz: hmmmmmm Not An Egg: kuwei: sperm contains sugars and carbohydrates. but then, penetrative sex does require a lot of energy. perhaps ingesting it- matthias looks like he's about to pass out.

kitkat: nina: [nodding thoughtfully] so we should draw up charts about the potential healing versus destructive properties of both oral and penetrative sex kitkat: wylan pretends not to notice jespers hand is not so stealthily creeping up his thigh kitkat: jespers the kind of disaster whod get legitimately turned on by his friends discussing monster sex reblog if you agree kitkat: jesper: i need to go use the bathroom wylan: i swear to fucking christ

Not An Egg: kuwei is smirking Not An Egg: He Knows

kitkat: kuwei, making uncomfortable eye contact with jesper from the other side of the room: and then the monster penises, the very large monster penises,

Not An Egg: wylan: [whispering] stop flustering my boyfriend. kuwei: I'm just contributing to the discussion. nina: what are you talking about? wylan, squeaking: NOTHING

kitkat: no one actually gets anything done during the campaigns because by the time theyve written out all the different kinds of monster penises theyve forgotten what the campaign was about to begin with

Not An Egg: wylan draws diagrams. very detailed diagrams. Not An Egg: wylan: i am not comfortable with this. kaz: it's for the sake of accuracy.

kitkat: jesper: i am exceedingly comfortable with this wylan: [flustering] no one asked you

Not An Egg: inej: I wonder how much people would pay for actual porn of this. kaz: $$.$$ matthias: inEJ NO inej: I'm just saying, we spent so much time on this, it'd be a waste to just throw it all away.

kitkat: inej: turns out i am absolutely fine exploiting the sexualities of cartoon monsters with large penises. who knew nina: YESSSSSS WE ARE GOING TO CAPITALIZE ON THIS SO HARD 

Not An Egg: matthias has to go lie down

kitkat: honestly they just bring a matthias lie down blanket and water bottle with them to the campaigns kitkat: it's pretty much inevitable