#im writing this post after having like a full half hour scream cry panic attack session thinking about my dad and how much i miss him
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flashback to when tejin was named surya and was also a boy
#oc talk#originally she was going to be a boy bc i was like oh duh of course yixing must have a son#bc the cycle of terrible father-son relationships in his family will never die i guess#but then i remembered i write for girls with strained relationships to their fathers and well. poof. he suddenly had a daughter instead#im writing this post after having like a full half hour scream cry panic attack session thinking about my dad and how much i miss him#even though we absolutely had our terrible times.#and i will be eternally entrenched in guilt and shame and resentment over many many many parts of my bond him over the years#bc things could have been so different but we were both so stubborn and stupid and selfish and well. now we'll never have the chance#because hes dead. like forever. because that's how being dead works i guess.#and ill spend the rest of my days wondering how different things couldve been if wed just been nicer to each other. oh well!#ANYWAY. good evening.#i was thinking about how almost all my characters are women with complex relationships with their fathers or father figures#vera and josef. andhira and the sovereign. sonam and her dad. anwei and her dad. wren and her dad. wren and robin even.#tejin and yixing!!!!!#man i think i am trying to process something here. but whatever could it be 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔
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