#in hindsight... i regret drawing this on the back of an envelope lmao

[glassprowlers]

Hello friends please have a small Nawara Ven doodle :)

Ref

[volexis]

⤷ december 12 ▸ i have fillings for you ft. sugawara

summary: in hindsight, staying up till 2 am might’ve not been one of your best ideas. that is, until you get a call from your very frantic boyfriend asking for your help in baking cookies. what could go wrong?

warnings: there’s like one quasi-suggestive sentence but other than that pure fluff (i hope)

wc: 1.5k

a/n: lowkey ngl i don’t really like how this turned out but she’s here! i was in a suga mood a couple of weeks ago and i wrote this and somehow it turned into me creating this event lmao

note: find the rest of the advent calendar here!

You all but sunk into the mattress as you let out a deep sigh. After an exhausting day, all you wanted was to let sleep overtake you as you bundled yourself in a slew of snug, cozy blankets. Your room was peaceful. The dark emptiness of the night filled you with balmy, heady delight as you shut your burning eyes for the first time in what seemed like days.

A dull buzz rang through the room, sharp enough to pull you out of your half-asleep state. You groaned and rolled over, praying whatever noise dared interrupt you would stop soon. It did, and you smiled in relief, snuggling back into your bed. The noise returned not a second later, this time, accompanied with a bright, blinding light. You reached over to your bedside table, staring at the culprit, your phone, through bleary eyes.

Twenty-four new messages alongside seven missed calls, all from the same person: your dear, loving boyfriend. You clenched your jaw after a glance at the clock, irritation clouding your mind. You answered the incoming call with a growl. “Suga, you better have a good reason for even thinking of calling me at—”

“(Y/N) thank goodness you’ve answered, I need your help!”

Any other day you would’ve hung up on him after thoroughly berating him for calling you at such an ungodly hour, but his words were saturated with desperation and something you hadn’t heard from him in a while: unmitigated panic. “I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?”

You could practically feel the warmth from his relieved smile through the phone, and you couldn’t help but glower. “Tell me what happened.”

“So, you remember I have a holiday party at work tomorrow, right?”

You confirmed, and he continued, practically tripping over his words as they sped to leave his mouth all at once. “Ikindasortaforgotthatineededtobakecookiesforthekidsand—”

“I’m stopping you right there. I did not understand a single thing you just said. It’s too early for this,” You felt bad, but you couldn’t help but laugh at your panic-stricken boyfriend. He resembled one of his students before giving a class presentation. “Please, can you slow down and repeat that?”

He took a shaky breath. His next words were slower, sounding them out in a bashful, apologetic tone. “I kind of, sort of, maybe, forgot that I promised the kids I’d bake cookies for their winter party... now all the stores closed and won’t open until after school starts…”

He tapered off as his voice softened into silence, words practically drenched in nervous anticipation. Your irritation bled into a temperate ire as you processed his words. “Let’s see if I understand this. What you called me for, at two in the morning, was to help you bake?”

His silence was answer enough. Your anger faded as his words sunk in, in its place a resigned smile. “You’re lucky you’re so cute. Anyways how’re we even going to get this done? Where are we even going to mee—”

“I’m already outside.” You swore you’d murder him one day.

You swung the door open unceremoniously, not at all surprised to see him towing bags of supplies with what could’ve passed as a sheepish smile if you didn’t know him well enough to see the gentle yet smug grin lying beneath it.

You followed him as he strode through your apartment, wincing as he upended the contents of his bags on your counter with a resounding crash. He dusted his hands and turned to you. “Let’s get started, shall we?”

You smiled, and he mirrored it with one of his own, quickly settling into a practiced rhythm beside you. He was in charge of shaping the cookies and monitoring the oven while you mixed the ingredients. The silence that soon enveloped your kitchen was nothing if not comfortable, a perfect backdrop to the soft clatter of your latest midnight endeavor.

“Babe, I’m almost out; can you pass me that flour over there?” Nothing.

“Babe? Suga? Kou?” You turned to face him and almost dropped your bowl. His hands were still; fingers wrapped tight around the scoop, dough dribbling off its edge while his eyes glued to your figure. He sported a smile sweet as sunshine, brimming with tender adoration.

“Kou?” Your breath caught in your throat, voice barely above a gentle whisper. It was enough to snap him out of whatever reverie absorbed him.

As if embarrassed to have been caught staring so unabashedly, he turned away quickly to face the bowl in front of him, pointedly avoiding your inquisitive glances. You wouldn’t have guessed Suga was feeling so flustered if it hadn’t been for the warm tint spreading over his cheeks and up to kiss the tips of his ears.

“What was that all about?” your tone dripped with the same teasing lilt he’d use to croon sweet nothings in your ear in your most intimate moments. It never failed to send electricity singing through your every nerve, and you hoped it would affect him the same way.

“Can’t I look at my beautiful partner?” His words were more brazen than you expected, having recovered from the ruffled state he was in just seconds before. You swiveled to gawk at him, scowling as he snickered at the mild disbelief in your eyes.

“I wouldn’t exactly call this,” you motioned to your attire: rumpled pajamas far too large for your frame paired with mismatched socks, and, to top it all off, a starchy lime green apron. “The epitome of beauty.”

Suga's smile melted into something tender and compassionate as he let go of his utensils; his lithe fingers reached to cup your cheeks and tilt your head to meet his gaze. You held your breath, incapable of tearing your eyes from his.

“I don’t care what you’re wearing, you could be wearing nothing at all, and it wouldn’t change the fact that you’re absolutely radiant.”

He firmly pressed his lips against yours, chuckling softly at your jolt of surprise. The two of you part, and he leans back to look at you, hands drifting to hold your waist and draw you closer. He kisses you again, and again, and again; fervently as your mind spins into delicious emptiness.

You’re both brought back to reality as a timer beeps obnoxiously loud beside you. Suga laughs against your skin and reaches over to check his phone, eyes widening in horror as realization crashes over him. He peels away from you and rushes to the oven, fretting over the condition of his treats.

You smile from your place on the counter, lowering yourself onto one of the nearby chairs to watch your boyfriend dart around the kitchen. You check your phone, and it dawns on you that you’ve been baking for the past four hours. Exhaustion envelops your every sense, and you yawn widely. Suga notices and looks down, smiling sheepishly.

“I’m sorry, love. We’re almost done, though. I think this is the last batch. After that, we can go to bed.”

You nod numbly and rest your chin on your palm, eyes slipping shut as you gently succumb to your long-awaited slumber.

You’re woken by soft, dim sunlight streaming through the cracks in your curtains. Almost out of habit, you reach over and search for your phone to turn off any alarms. Instead, you find a plate of cookies, delicately frosted. A small card rested by their side, the ink partially smeared in Suga’s hurry. You laughed quietly. He must’ve woken up late.

Dearest (Y/N),

You don’t know how much I appreciate your help last night. It was extremely unfair of me to call you so late, but you responded regardless. You turned what could have been an evening of inevitable disaster into a memory I’ll treasure forever. You fell asleep after we put the last batch in so don’t worry, I cleaned everything before heading out! Thank you again, really. I can’t wait to see you when I come home; love.

Yours always,

Kou

A fond smile makes its way across your lips as you scan his neat yet rushed handwriting. You dropped the card on the table with a sigh, almost missing a small post-it note attached to the back. Eyebrows furrowing, you flip the paper over to read the words, gentle and deliberate in its delicate script.

P.S. Ironically, I wrote this before I wrote what’s on the card, which makes this more of a pre-script rather than a postscript? Anyways, I’m rambling, on to the actual message.

I got to thinking after you fell asleep last night. Your words stuck to me. I never once stopped to consider you might not believe me when I remind you of how gorgeous you are. You’re my everything; my heart is full of you, so full my words fail me even now as I write this.

I said it once, and I’ll say it eternally. You are beautiful. Though you may not see it, I’ll make sure to repeat it every day until you learn how beautiful you are.

taglist: @tsumuseum @amoroushero​ @mrslordexplosionmurder​ @ssat0ris​ @osamusriceballs​ @seraphgabrielle​ @1642lux

additional note: event taglist is open! Send an ask if you’d like to be added <3

[golden-affinity]

wacko story time

i’ve never properly told all my shit in 1 shot. it’s very hard to keep track when you suddenly remember more and more details and the story side tracks way way too much. i will try to keep it as on track as possible. i will also do this in narrative form. one of the therapist said that it is a way to relive it and stay sane.

also this is more for myself than anything so there will be spelling errors and poor sentence structure and bad punctuation so skip this eyesore of a pity party lmao

but if u actly read it pls dm me so i can kno your thoughts it will help me alot thx

Where do i begin? 

I used to know this girl. Terribly shy. Terribly insecure. Even at a young age. All she ever wanted was attention from her family. Both her parents worked long hours, so she and her twin sister were under the care of their grandparents. 

It was trying being a twin. Perhaps that was where the attention seeking began. They had to share everything. Clothes, shoes, books, a room, attention, birthdays, school, friends. Everything. Normally it would have a novelty. A norm. Children do not know any better. 

The difference in their upbringing was their grandparents. Don’t get me wrong; they had an incredibly privileged life. Home-cooked meals 3 times a day. Toys, books, clothes, a roof over their head. Prestigious education. Loving parents. They were undeniably sheltered. No abuse, no neglect, no suffering.

A perfect life. A perfect upbringing. But not so perfect in hindsight.

Their grandparents, especially their grandmother, was very stern and undeniably manipulative. All their actions and words worked in the undercurrent of their psyche. Reaching and pulling and stretching. Planting doubt, fear, mistrust in each other. They liked to compare the twins. They liked to turn them against each other. Was it out of a misplaced affection? Was it out of simplistic glee at seeing two powerless beings getting confused, like how one would play the magic blanket game with their pets? Or was it born of something more toxic?

In time the girls will learn that their grandmother has a massive inferiority complex and narcissistic tendencies. In current times, it has changed her into a hypochondriac.

But back when they were just 5 years of age, they didn’t know better. They didn’t understand that adults can be wrong. That adults can lie. That adults can be mean. Manipulative. Toxic.

They didn’t know any better. So they trusted. She trusted and believed everything her grandmother told her.

You were adopted, taken from the rubbish bin

Your temper is so bad, why would your parents want you? 

They have your perfect sister.

That is why you are twins. To be replaceable

You are the bad twin.

Your sister got a punishment because of you.

You are the one that always gets her into trouble

You have to watch or diet or you will grow fat

You shouldn’t bathe in hot water or your skin will have wrinkles

When we die, you are going to be very happy right? Because there will be so many sweets (Chinese funeral style)

We don’t know when we are going to die and you are always so rude.

You will regret this

Study harder or your parents won’t love you

You are not doing as well as your sister, your parents won’t love you

If you don’t listen to me, your parents won’t love you

She grew up with massive abandonment issues. And a constant nagging thought of being better. Doing better. Or she will be left behind. Alone. Unloved. Unwanted. Back to the trash where her grandmother told her she was from

Adults don’t lie right? Children do not know any better.

And a handful of incidents proved that inkling in her head - that she was unloved. Unwanted.

When she was 8, she threw and tantrum and got punished by standing in a corner. To retaliate, to seek attention, she scratched her face multiple times. Her father and grandmother saw the aftermath and asked her what happened. To her surprise, she had managed to calm down, by hurting herself, and calmly told them that she cried too much. They relented and relieved her of her punishment. This was her first instance of self harm. And it took root as a viable coping mechanism.

When she was 10, she lost a table tennis game and threw her temper at her mother in public. She screamed and yelled when all she wanted was for someone to hold her, sit her down and ask her what was wrong. Why did she care so much over a stupid game? All she wanted was understanding. But she did not know how to articulate. She was consumed with fear and shame over losing. She handled it by screaming. Shouting. rage as a mask

And then her father slapped her, for the first and last time in her life. She was shocked into silence. That was the first time she actively disassociated. She hadn’t named Claire yet but someone else took over and shut down all her feelings.

The slap scared her. The blackout became rooted deep in her psyche. Even till now, more than a decade later, a man slamming the desk, her husband punching the wall, ignites a knee-jerk reaction to cower. To run. To hide. To self soothe. To let Claire take over

Its ok its ok its ok its ok you have me. Its ok its ok its ok its ok. I’m here for you. And no one else is. Listen to me. Believe me. You have me. only me. I will look after you.

Adults are human too, she knows that now. But what is that to a sensitive, insecure, introverted child?

What is that to a girl who was brought up, loved in all senses, but being constantly told that she wasn’t?

She internalised it all. Struggled with it by herself. She didn’t understand what had gone wrong. What she had done wrong. She became scared to talk about her feelings. Angry with herself for being ungrateful, as she has been told. Upset for not understanding why she hated herself more and more and more. 

And when she was 13, she finally turned to self harm by cutting.

It was a relief to see the blood. The scars. To see the aftermath of her self-punishment. Tangible results of the mess in her head. The chaos within laid bare on their thighs, her wrists, her arms. She never liked the pain but she felt like she deserved it. When she drew her lines, the pain in her heart diminished. But her self hatred grew.

She hated the attention she got from it. She hated the fact that she was drawing attention. She was failing at keeping this simple thing under wraps. she was angry at her self for drawing attention

so, she stopped. Not because she saw that it was wrong, but because too many people knew and it became burdensome to see the pity, the uncertainty. The horror, the helplessness. The babying. It was never what she wanted. It was all forms of love, but deep in her self hatred, she just wanted to be left alone.

And so everyone thought she was stable and just as she was left alone again, she turned to ED for a coping mechanism.

It was easy. It was simple. Girls diet all the time. No one suspects. Not back then, at least. 

Both her and her twin have always dieted. Even at 7, 8, 9, 10 years old. What else do you do when your grandmother is breathing down your neck telling you to watch your diet?

Anorexia was a hideous, painful journey. More than she bargained for. She did not know the puddle she thought she was wading in was actually a soul-sucking black hole that very few emerge out of. She did not know how deeply ingrained the ED thoughts would envelope her mind like a parasite, surfacing in times of weakness and uncertainty. She did not know that this coping mechanism would become an addiction for years and years to come.

From scars to numbers. One hyper fixation after another. 

And all this, because of her biggest insecurity - abandonment. 

She had to be perfect. All the time. Or she would be left behind.

By who? Whom? What? How? Why?

She lost track of it all. All she knew was chasing down self punishment in times of imperfection and that very same self punishment became a drug for her masochistic mind.

She lost track of the friends who stood by her. Of her family that still loves her. Of her mum that visited her everyday in the hospital. Of the teachers who took personal time to visit her, talk to her, counsel her.

Her black hole of self punishment was consuming her.

And yet, no one gave up on her. And in moments of clarity she saw that and did her best to fight back. It took another 3 years before she got out but she did.

And this is where you cue a happy ending.

She still had abandonment issues but they were dissipating. She still had massive trust issues but she was actively trying to combat them. Things were looking up. And in all that time spent in her head, she came to peace with her other self. The one that encourages ED and self harm to take away the emotional pain. For a while, her 2 selves came to an understanding that anxiety and embarrassment and pain is a part of life. She also realised what she wanted to do with her life. She grew so much, from the girl she once was.

That was until her cousin screwed it all up by loving her

more than he should have