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#intelligent when not constrained by language or time. thanks. unfortunately language is how ppl communicate
opens-up-4-nobody
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11 months
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#let me express to u perhaps The frustration of my life
#i like to learn. it is perhaps my favorite thing. new information. more more more constantly
#but. my fucking brain is the fucking worst. because im not fucking stupid if i can focus and process the words being said i can understand
#many things. i like to learn about math and physics and chemistry and biology and anatomy... ect concepts
#but the focus and the processing of words is where we have problems. because i cannot focus for more than like 5min
#i blink and suddenly ive been spaced out for a sec and need to reorient. i cant prioritize what to do 1st and im constantly bouncing betwee
#tasks so nothing ever gets done and im too intimidated to start learning things. and when im trying to learn we habe the processing words
#problem. like my reading comprehension is so fucking bad. like i will read a book on paper and maybe retain 25% of the info if im not
#hardcore trying. for a class where i had to do a ton of paper reading. i had to read everything out loud to myself. highlight important
#info. write myself a summary based on the highlights and then read the paper again before i could even begin to feel comfortable in
#discussions. it was so fucking frustrating and miserable. ppl will give me physical books and im like thanks i cant fucking read sorry
#too fucking dyslexic. read and listen they say. u have to read and listen at the same time bc i cant pay attention and i cant read
#so if i do both then maybe the info gets in. thats y i have to read aloud but i hate it and still get distracted
#i mean. i probably just have an attention problem. its also really annoying that my short term working memory is so awful
#bc in order to make things make sense i have to draw or write them out. i cant judt go off the top of my head or i get stuck saying thr sam
#thing over and over and over. its like my ability to think is extremely shallow. but thrn i read papers and recognize concepts from classes
#i took years ago and im like. fucking y cant i know what i know? my head feels so empty but info is in there somewhere
#its just so fucking frustrating that i love understanding systems so much. complex annoying little systems that fit together like a puzzle
#and my fucking brain refuses to accept the information im trying to get in there. so i return to a remark left on my dyslexia assignment:
#intelligent when not constrained by language or time. thanks. unfortunately language is how ppl communicate
#also i freak out under time pressure lol. anyway ive just been reading papers for fun this weekend and remembering y i dont: bc its agony
#but also i fucking love the concepts so much and i need a good understanding of photosynthesis before August when i join a photosynthesis
#lab lmao. ugh. i love learning but my brain was not buildmt
#built for it. if only if only someone could podcast about the obscure things im interested in while reading directly from the source
#unrelated
#also its like 105 degrees plus. its too fucking hot out
#thats like 40 degrees C. the sun is like a death ray
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