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ettoujourspourtoujours · 8 years

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2016 has left and we have welcomed in 2017; many people feeling like with the close of what can only be described as a year filled with turmoil for a some, that this will be the fresh start they so deeply crave.

Through 2016 I was in a spiral of self perpetuated misery and something I didn’t want anyone to save me from. Why? I think I hide from all of my problems. Often when I shouldn’t or can’t hide from them. However, I’ve seen the negative spiral it can take you into. I was in a space where I couldn’t look in the mirror, I wouldn’t do my hair or wear make up. I used feeling ‘tired’ or ‘sick’ as a default because I was scared that people would think that I was disgusting or ugly. My instant fall back was 'going for a run’ because it gave me short term bursts of feeling good or feeling like I could breathe. I could leave my brain at the door and just go, every time I felt like I couldn’t keep going, it was my challenge to myself and I would tell myself all the things I hated about me…it made me keep on keeping on.

Now, absolutely none of those things is something to be proud of. However they are also not something to be scorned or ashamed of either. It’s something that I have, for the first time in my life, started dealing with.

You cannot keep closing people out, putting up barriers, not talking about your feelings or emotions, being as cruel as you can possibly be to yourself, with the hopes that one day it will all be okay and everything will carry on as it was before you were sent spiralling down. You may very well shut out the most important people in your life, can you imagine existing without them by your side? No. Exactly.

First of all you have to look at where all of these issues started. My issue with my weight started when I was young, ridiculously young. I remember being around 9 and looking at a photo and my eye went immediately to my thigh, in the picture I was maybe 7. My first thought was, you are so fat. At nine. Nine years old and I was looking at my 7 year old self, who by the way was never fat, and feeling repulsed. I never vocalised it, my dad did plenty of that for me.

‘You’re fat’, ‘you’re a beached whale’, ‘look at the size of you’, 'shit for brains'. More comments along those lines were made.

I’m never going to make blaming him the focus for this, or anything. I’m sure that those comments didn’t come from a place of malice and well, if they did? Then that’s his anger to bear.

I’ve been in an abusive relationship. It’s neither something I feel ashamed of or something I like to brag about. For 10 months I was told I was so ugly and fat that no one else would love me or look at me. I shouldn’t wear certain things or certain colours as they made me look fat. I wasn’t really allowed to see my friends, which for me is such a big thing. I was chastised for even talking to my friends and for having had previous relationships. I was told that I was rubbish in bed and found emails from him bitching about me to his exes. He would discuss my body with my friends and they would always come to me and explain that they didn’t think he was good for me. He would make me feel so awful for being there when his friends were around that, now to this day, I always feel like I'm monopolising someone's time or that I'm a massive burden. He was awful, destructive, physically and emotionally draining. Even when we split up he sent me a text telling me I was a lying fat whore. That is what is more commonly known as a moron. However, it stays with you. You feel like utterly worthless and it stains your heart.

The thing with relationships like this is that all it does is create a poison spiral. You move towards people who aren’t going to treat you well and you reject anyone, put up a feelings wall , who actually does because deep down you don’t feel like you are good enough and not loveable enough. You're used to the anxiety and with someone good you feel that they might leave you at anytime because they couldn't possibly love you. The thing is though, it’s about how you deal with it. It’s not about ignoring those comments. It’s not about burying your head in the sand or looking for the next party to go to, which is all I did for so long. It’s not about trying to pretend that you don’t feel any of those things, like when you finally meet someone you love and who loves you back, don't shelve the fact that internally you don't feel worth their time. That they might see through everything and that they will eventually discover how hideous you believe you are. Talk about those emotions, don't bottle it up. Let THEM in. If you don't, you're only pressing self destruct and letting the bad vibes win. You can lean on your friends and find someone you can talk to.

You are loveable and you are loved. You will be loved forever.

You are conditioned in this pattern to believe that you will lose everything you love and therefore barriers go up as soon as you start to fall into an unconditional love. This is a natural reaction but it isn’t healthy. Sometimes you have to learn the hard way, over and over again.

What is the impact of this? Internal loneliness and a constant barrage of self hate. How do you work to combat something you have lived with for so long? What’s the easiest way to get around it? For me, for years, it was to ignore that there was a problem, to accept the few and far between good days and audibly note that “I am so happy right now, right in this moment. I want to pause here”. Then go on to have weeks of reclusiveness and self hatred. Wanting to be a part of the fun but sincerely worrying that you weren’t good enough, because that’s all you’ve ever known. OR to party for months on end/ To not eat. Or, to sit in front of the mirror when you're in alone and cry, but still never vocalising with others for fear they think you're crazy.

I suppose my reasons for writing this are partly selfish. It helps me to address the struggles I have but also, if someone else was going through it and maybe unsure, they could look at this and realise how perfect they are in their imperfections.

The biggest realisation you can have is after loss,a big change, career or home. Some of these I have experienced this year. They call 25 the year that you find yourself and work out who you are, but also the year you lose it a bit and maybe have a spiral moment. I stand by that. It’s taught me invaluable life lessons. What I want from life, who I am, where I’m going and why I do something. The final part of last year taught me that I will never feel that low or alone in my own skin ever again. I never want to look in the mirror and see a monster glowering back at me. It’s not about getting on with things, it’s about dealing with all of life’s problems and working out how to cope, for you. Sometimes you need a big change to make you realise what’s truly valuable in your life and also to realise that sometimes you need to love yourself for who you really are and that it's okay to do so.

I am imperfect. I have acne scars and frizzy hair. I need to wear my glasses pretty much all the time now and that often means that I will fall asleep with them on and subsequently damage the frames. I can’t reach the top shelf and sometimes I eat in bed…which does mean crumbs. I don’t shave my legs frequently and I love to run, but that doesn’t mean I should continue to run away from my problems. For approximately 16 years I have looked at my body and never felt anything but fear and hatred. One of my eyes is smaller than the other and that’s why I will only put one half of my face in a photos. I have never felt clever enough or worthy enough for people to actually want to spend time with me. I have big skeletons in the closet that tell me I’m unworthy, unintelligent, unfunny, uncool, fat and ugly. Rather than brushing them away and hiding my head in the sand from them, I’m working on it. I am stronger and better and happier, with having had this realisation. Sometimes you have to fight for what you know is right in your heart. Sometimes getting through the day might be a struggle but talking about it and being honest is the only way out. Take it from someone who spent all of last year not feeling valid enough within herself to even pluck her eyebrows and felt embarrassed getting a picture taken but wouldn't talk to anyone about it. Open up, let the wall down/open the door. What's the worst that could happen? I’m getting there and I know you will too.

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