#it did occur to me that summer semester is two months vs four

[midnightswaltz]

So, after a rough summer semester (pay attention to the class dates when you register, folks! I ended up trying to learn trigonometry in ONE MONTH), I now have 2 weeks before fall semester starts.

Can I get myself to work on the stuff I've been wanting to (*stares at Terra Incognita*) or will I just be playing video games for two weeks?

[nickrbockr]

Simon Vs Fan Fic: Chapter 5 - Beer Pong: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying & Love Abby and Nick

Ao3

The first show in the season was Spamalot. Nothing against the musical and to many, MANY people’s shock, it’s not my favorite show. Ian is also more of a stage and film actor, so he didn’t audition at all. Because of this, I have an ensemble role and dramatically less rehearsal time on the evening and weekends which left a hole that could only be filled by an Abby & Nick filled weekend extravaganza!

Too much? Oh well. They’re coming this weekend and it’s been needed since I haven’t seen them since the summer. Nick is tearing it up a Julliard in composition and is working a lot with both the vocal performers and the orchestra and has caught the eye of film studios in New York. Many people want to collaborate with him and it’s so great to see Nick become a break out star.

Abby has also had her share of business on the designing aspect. She designed sets for an off-Broadway production of ‘Reefer Madness’ as well as designed and created costumes for the school productions. She has turned into the stereotypical paint-covered human being who constantly hustles. Nick also connects her to his friends at Julliard to commission outfits for their recitals and even Glinda and Elphaba’s dresses for their performance of Wicked.

Needless to say, they are both constantly busy and we hear from them sporadically, but when we’re all able to connect, it’s like we never left Shady Creek. It’s what makes us work as a group: time has no impact on our friendships.

It’s been about a month since I spoke to Tracy and got her blessing and I’ve been coasting on happiness from her approval. One down, two to go, but Elijah has been more difficult to pin down for a talk.

Don’t get me wrong, Bram’s dad and I get along great, it’s just nerve wracking talking to any father of the person you’re planning on marrying. It’s scary, almost scarier than proposing to Bram. Why was it easier with Tracy? I guess easy was a subjective word. Maybe because we expect mothers to be more accepting than fathers. I don’t know if that’s true, but in this case of Tracy and Elijah, I think it is.

I try to call him and I always seem to get his voice mail. I’ll leave brief messages, but then he always texts back responding to whatever voice mail I left. It made me realize it’s probably why Bram acted the way he did in high school. Bram has grown since then, and I’d like to think I helped him. The only thing he didn’t out grow was how he surprised me with gifts in random spots he knew I’d look. Leah has helped him leave plenty of gifts for birthdays and for days that Bram just felt like sending me flowers or small care packages of Oreos. And he’s impacted me. I wear band shirts now.

“Yeah, he’s not the best person at communication,” Tracy told me when I called to ask for advice. “He means no ill will, Simon, understand that much.”

“Oh no, I don’t think that either. But do you think…and this is going to sound weird, but do you think there is any way I can sort of…trick him into seeing me in person?”

Tracy laughed over the phone as I stare my Elliot Smith poster above my bed. I put him there because now I think of Bram every time I see him. It makes me reflect on Bram boppin’ and groovin’ his head as he got himself to like Elliot Smith only because he was trying impress a boy in high school using a pseudonym.

“The only thing that man loves more than Bram is fishing. Talk him into a fishing trip and you got yourself at least a half-day with him.”

Great. Such a dad response to have to be distracted doing something else to talk about a totally unrelated subject. Also, as you may know, I never had the best time fishing. But it’s no longer about me, it’s about Bram and me.

“That shouldn’t be hard, New Haven is right on the water.”

“Sounds like you got this, son.” Tracy said with motherly warmth. It was weird to hear her call me son, but soon she wouldn’t be wrong to call me that. It’s becoming more and more real everyday that my future is rapidly approaching and it’s scary and new and fun and in the end I won’t be alone in my adventure. My heart beat increased and lips parted.

“Thank you…Mom.” I reply.

“Go get him tiger.”

The call ended and I let my phone fall on the bed. The fan rotated slowly around as it hypnotized me into thought. I thought about my life four short years ago. I had just discovered there was another person like me and the seemingly isolated journey of discovering I was a boy who liked boys was joined by another face. A Blue face.

Blue. Bram. Blue. Bram. Abraham Louis Greenfeld-Spier? Simon Jacob Spier-Greenfeld? Abraham Louis Speir? Simon Jacob Greenfeld? Which flowed off the tongue better? It just occurred to me that we’ll have to have that discussion of the last name. Or will we just keep our own? Should we create a new last name? I can cross that bridge later.

Bzzz.

Abby calling.

“Hey Abby,” I answer.

“Simon! Hi! How are you!?”

“Good, good,” I chuckle. “Are you guys close?”

“Yes we are, we’re about 10 minutes away. I miss you! You guys are still in the same apartment right?”

“You know it. Leah is not one to move more than she needs to.”

“Simon!” Nick yelled in the background.

“Nick says hi,” Abby confirmed.

“Everything is already set up, just waiting for you two crazy kids.”

“Prepare for a few drunken days, Si, it’s been awhile since either of us have been able to unwind!”

“She’s right!” Nick yelled again. “Stretch your liver, it’s going to get a work out.”

“Okay, okay, we’ll see you guys soon!”

“Byeeee!”

I go downstairs to see Leah and Ian chatting on the couch along with a few of Leah’s friends and some more theatre kids Ian brought with him.

“They’re almost here,” I announce.

“That means shots!” Ian shouts. “Last time they were here I made both of them puke and intend to do the same thing again!”

“I think they’ll actually be on board this time, I guess they’re been working hard and haven’t had a lot of time to unwind.”

“We’re about to change that!” Ian exclaims as he gets the other people in the apartment ready to play a drinking game in the kitchen. Leah and I are left in the living room with a few stragglers.

“Hey.” Leah said. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just a lot on my mind, ya know? School, proposal, things like that.”

“No…” she says, squinting her eyes. “That’s not all of it. What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing…I mean, I guess that Bram’s been a little busy and quiet on the talking front the last few days and I’m trying not to fall into old habits.”

Ugh. I hate myself sometimes. I know Bram is busy. He told me he would be busy, Bram’s Nick told me he’d be busy. I tend to get like this once or twice per semester and get over it after buzz texting Bram and talking it out with Leah (bless her heart). But I guess I’m more disappointed in myself that I’m letting past insecurities manifest.

“Come on, Si. You’re in the home stretch. Don’t retreat into the past, you’re moving forward with me.” Leah ordered.

She pulled me up and we headed into the kitchen to join the group for shots. Leah was right, I need to stop making assumptions. That was the old me. New me is positive and optimistic and…and misses Bram. Need alcohol to counteract these thoughts. Leah and her friends are talking about some boring Sociology professor when suddenly.

“Si!”

Abby and Nick were in the doorway with arms stretched out. These two will also counteract my thoughts. I downed my shot and ran over and hugged Abby who jumped into my arms and wrapped her legs around me like a spider monkey. It was her new college thing and it makes people like her. I squeeze her in our hug and I set her down as Nick ambles over and we hug, on the ground.

“Hey guys! How was the trip?” Leah asked.

“Good, but we need alcohol and Solo cups.” Abby said with a smile.

“We have the alcohol!” Nick shouted as he brought into what people colorly refer to as a ‘dirty thirty.’ For those who had better taste, a dirty thirty is a case of thirty swill water light beers and supply you with a health hangover the next day. That said, you can party longer because it’s mostly water.

“And we have the solo cups,” I finish Nick’s sentence.

“First game!” Ian shouts. “Le Burke, you and me against Simon and Abby!”

“You’re on!” Abby shouts as she pulls out some beers. The cups are filled as one does in a game of beer pong and the party begins.  However, Ian comes over with additional beers and adds more beer to our cups.

“Hey now,” Leah started. “We’re not all trying to get Ian drunk tonight, just a normal drunk.”

“This is our last year, we gotta live it up, take risks, make mistakes, and geeeeeetttt messy!”

Ian’s been watching the new Magic School Bus episodes on Netflix. The cups were now about two-thirds the way full as Ian crushed the cans and chucked them in the trash. Beer pong always makes me think of Bram and the Halloween Party. Why isn’t Bram texting me back? I know he’s busy but...too busy for me? No! Leah’s right I need to get out of my head.

As the game unfolds, I’m making none of my shots as the ping-pong ball bounces around on the floor.

“Simon, what’s wrong!? Get your head in the game, we’re getting our asses kicked.” Abby pleaded. We only had four cups left and they had nine.

“Sorry! I’m trying, I’m trying.”

“Losers take shots, Simon!” Ian shouts across the table, pointing his finger at me. “And you take a shot of our choice.

My eyes widen. “Oh god please no-”

Ian pulls a plastic pitcher out of the fridge. Leah puts her hand over her mouth in shock and because she felt nauseated. One night after a party about year ago, Ian thought it would be a fun idea to pool any leftover liquor into a sort of community chest of booze. Since then, various liquors have swirled around in that plastic pitcher and on random occasions it has been used as punishment to losers of drinking games.

“You still have that in there?” One of our theatre friends said laughing. “Oh no, Si,  you’re fucked!”

Abby turned to me with determination. “I’m not drinking from that pitcher.”

“Let’s step it up,” I reply, agreeing.

“No, you step it up, I’ve made all our shots!”

“Right, if we lose, I’ll take your shot.” I claim.

“You all hear that? That’s a verbal contract,” Abby shouts. I smile at here and notice Nick isn’t in the kitchen. I peak my head around the corner and see him in our living room (Ian’s bedroom) talking to a group of Leah’s friends. It’s strange, but we are playing a game in here so I suppose he got bored and left to mingle.

After drinking two beers, leaving us with only two cups left, I scored my first cup with a bounce.

“Yes!” Abby shouts as we high five. “That’s two and we get the ball back!”

“Good job, Spier! Finally good to see you woke up and joined the game!” Ian yells playfully. Leah, however, is not a nice as she knows what is on my mind and is pinching her eyes at me from across the table. She turns it off before Abby can notice and sips her beer.

“Re-rack!” I shout. “Diamond and one cup in front.”

“We got this.” Abby whispered as Ian and Leah arranged the cups per our request.

“We got this.” I reply.

We didn’t have it. I missed my shot and Ian and Leah both made their shots into the cups. And now I have to take two shots from the mystery pitcher as Abby Snapchats me doing so. Bram will probably see this and text me, right?

“Just think of it as a Long Island…but literally no coke, just pure alcohol.” Ian gloated.

First one down the hatch.

Uuuggghhhhhhhhh! What is that taste?! My face must have shown what my words didn’t because Ian, Leah, and Abby all laughed at my misery.

“Maybe one is enough,” Leah suggested, seeing my face, knowing my thoughts, and seeing where this could go.

“No way, verbal contract, Simon has too.” Ian defended.

I breathe in deeply and shoot the second down my throat. God! Is that industrial cleaner?! I put the shot class down and breathe through my mouth so I don’t taste the terrible flavor of old vodka, tequila, rum, and whatever the hell else is in that pitcher. The next game starts and we all go into the living room to sit and chat. Nick rejoins us as the people he was talking to followed their friends into the kitchen to watch the game.

“Simon, how are you? Why does it feel so long since we’ve talked? We saw each other last month!” Nick starts, clapping his hand on my shoulder.

The booze has started to take its swimming affect on my head.

“I know! It’s only been a month, but it’s felt much longer. I don’t know, we must just miss each other cause we’re good friends.” I say smiling and throwing my arm around his shoulder.

“That’s it.” Nick said, poking my chest with this finger.

Leah, Abby, and Ian were catching up just across the coffee table on the couch and I realized I haven’t told them about my proposal. I stand up.

“Hey, Abby, Nick, I have something to tell you guys.”

“You’re not going to break into another drunken monologue from a show, are you?” Nick says. “I mean, I love you, Si, but I don’t know if we’re drunk enough for that.” Leah and Abby laugh.

“No! I’m not drunk enough for that either. But no, I have something I want to tell you guys. I have decided…”

I pull out my phone and see no new notifications.

“Decided what?” Abby asks, snapping my attention back.

“Sorry, I have decided to propose to Bram.”

A scream louder than time emanates from Abby’s vocal cords as we all wait for it to be over and then she jumps up and down and back into my arms. People from the kitchen poke their head into the room to see if everything is okay and I give them a thumbs up. Nick is standing a smiling his wide Nick smile, all teeth. As soon as Abby releases me from her hug, Nick comes in and hugs me too.

“That’s amazing, Si. You and Bram are perfect together.” Nick says, sipping his beer.

“He’s so right!” Abby adds. “You two have been the gold standard of relationships since high school!”

“What about you two? You and Nick have dated as long as Bram and I have! If anything we’ve learned from each other.”

Abby pressed her lips and swallowed her smile. Her eyes looked at Nick who looked to the weathered carpet as his thumb flicked the lip of the solo cup. Leah’s eyes pursed as her eyebrows fell towards her ears, fearing for the worst. It was quiet for a bit as all of us stared at one another until I broke the silence.

“Did…did you guys break up?” I asked in a raspy voice.

Nick inhaled and took Abby’s hand. She shook her head and then her standard Abby smile returned.

“We did.”

My mind did back flips. How? Why? The only other couple that I’ve known my age to last as long as Bram and I did is ending? If they could end, can Bram and I end? Will he say no if I propose?

“You’re smiling?” Leah asked, eyebrow cocked. Her statement snapped me out of my thoughts and onto Nick and Abby who were, indeed, smiling.

“Yes,” Abby started. “Look, we would have told you sooner…but we didn’t want to send anyone into a panic.”

“You mean send Simon into a panic,” Leah corrected.

“Maybe.”

“But what happened?” I asked, drunkenly curious even though it was technically none of my business.

“Nothing really happened, Si.” Nick started. “It’s not like I cheated or she cheated or it was some big spectacle. It’s hard to explain, but it was a completely amicable and positive…finale to the romantic part of our relationship. Finales aren’t a bad thing, Si. Our relationship as friends and everything we shared during our time together isn’t gone, we’re not going anywhere from any of you, we’re not dividing up the friend group. Nothing’s changing.”

“He’s right, Si. Finale is the best way to say it. Now it’s on for another beginning for both of us.” Abby added.

“But I still don’t understand.” I utter, unable to be satisfied with the answer.

Nick was about to say something and stopped when Abby place her hand on his knee.

“Simon, we know how you are. And another reason we were waiting to tell you is because of how you’d react. The story is simple. We both realized one day that we were living the parts of being a couple and enjoyed it, but it lacked the…drive and depth of a relationship. When you’re surrounded by people who are good at being in a relationship and you see all the love and little quirks and dumb things and inside jokes but don’t see any of that in your own relationship, it raised red flags. Then when we thought about it and talked about it and it was like our relationship was on autopilot. We realized we love each other, but not in the romantic way we once felt.”

How long are Bram and I going to be together before he feels this way? When will he look at other people’s relationships, other boys and see himself happier and more alive with them? If Abby and Nick couldn’t make the cut, could Bram and I?

Abby knocked on the side of my head kinda hard because she was becoming irritated.

“Simon, don’t you for one second try to compare your relationship with Bram to ours.” She said pointing at me. “You weren’t inside of this relationship, you didn’t see it when it was just me and Nick, so there is no way you can compare it. Promise me right now, Simon.”

I stared at her, wiping beer from corner of my mouth.

“Promise me!” She shouted.

“Promise,” I comply. I do partially believe her. It doesn’t help all the way, but it helps a little.

“Told ya, Bram was ri…oh shit.” Nick started, and caught himself when it was too late. Abby slapped Nick’s knee and her bugged eyes stared lasers that burned through Nick’s skull.

“Wait, Bram knew you two broke up?” I question. Nick placed his head on his hand. “For how long?”

Abby stood up. “I need another beer.” She walked to the kitchen, leaving Nick in the mess he made.

“Okay, Si, you have to promise me you can’t get mad. We called Bram last month when it happened because we didn’t know who else to talk to about it who knew both of us so well. We wanted to tell you, dude, we did, but we know how you get and didn’t want to upset you.”

“Why wouldn’t Bram tell me?” I ask out loud, sipping my beer.

“Because we made him promise not to tell you, Simon, you can’t be mad at him. He promised his friends and you know how hard Bram takes promises. When he saw us he could tell-”

“He visited you in New York?”

Nick mouthed the word ‘fuck.’ Is that why he hasn’t been texting me much lately? Because if he can’t talk to me, he can’t lie to me? Our conversations have been light and fluffy, both on the phone and texting when we can. What else could he not be telling me then? Do I know Bram?

“Nick, go get a beer and send Ian’s ass in here,” Leah ordered, moving to the coffee table to sit directly in front of me. “If you don’t get out of your head right now about this Simon, you’re going to regret it.”

“Yeah, but-“

“No, Simon, no buts. You love Bram Greenfeld, he loves you, and the only thing he’s guilty of is being a good friend. If you needed him here, he would drop everything in a second and by any means come to your side. He is stupidly, grossly, uncontrollably in love with you. I hate to say this to you, Simon, because you’ve been so good about it lately, but don’t Spier this up.”

Ian walked in and could see the stern looks on our faces and his demeanor changed from one of partying to one of concern.

“Hey, guys, everything…good?”

“Talk some sense into him,” Leah said, “I need a refill.”

Leah never left unless she was upset. I know I may be drunk and I know I may be irrational because I’m drunk, but am I being that irrational? I don’t think it’s unfair to bring up the topic, for example, that Nick and Abby a least lived in the same city as each other. Did I not try enough to get into Baltimore? Did Bram not try hard enough to get into Yale?

“Abbs and Nick told me just now, that sucks man, but they seem happy so that’s what’s important, right?”

He was right. I close my eyes and throw my head on my hands.

“I’m being selfish, aren’t I?”

“No, no, no, dude, I totally understand. It’s natural to have these feelings, especially when you’re about to propose to your boyfriend.” He responded warmly. “But Bram is Bram, Nick is Nick, and Abby is crazy loud. Just cause they’re relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean yours wont.”

I look up at him. His eyes appear unnaturally emerald. He smiles and lifts his eyebrows.

“You are welcome to feel about it how you want, but remember they need you here for them as well. And they came here to party and visit you. And Le Burke of course. They drove from the greatest city in the world to Connecticut to spend the weekend with you. Let’s show them a good time.”

Ian tapped and squeezed my knee…and a familiar…warmth…overcame me.

“Bucker up Buttercup and let’s rematch Le Burke’s ‘Sosh’ friends and show them how overly complicated actors can kick their butts at pong!”

He pulled me up with him and his bicep pressed against his t-shirt cuff in an impressive, masculine manner.

“Yeah, I’ll be in there in a minute. Thanks, dude.”

“Of course, Si. You got this man. You are so close to the finish line, focus on the prize.” He smiled, downed the rest of his beer, and winked at me with a follow up finger gun.

My head felt like it was floating as I found it bopping to the beat of the music.

Bzzz.

Bram Hi Si, I’m sorry I’ve been so busy lately. Nick told me he let it slip that him and Abby broke up. I’m so sorry, I wanted so badly to tell you, but I promised I wouldn’t. You understand, right?

I did understand, but my drunk mind was also upset that he couldn’t trust me with the information either. Was my drunk brain right? Probably not, but right now I couldn’t help but let that side of me take over. Mystery Pitcher was winning.

                                                                                                              I do

. .. … Si, I know you’re not okay with it. I wish I could do something to make you feel better. Please understand your trust means everything to me. I love you <<33 And your big heart.

How dare he. How dare he do that to me right now. How dare he make me love him when I’m trying to be mad at him.  How dare it kind of work.

I know it deos, and I do turst you.

“Si?” Ian peaked his head in. “Off your phone and out of your head and on this game of pong!” Ian’s head disappears.

My phone buzzes again, but I don’t look at it. If I talk to Bram more I will get over it and I want to be mad at him for a little longer. Irrational? Yes, but since when have I been a totally rational guy?

We lose that game too, much to Ian’s drunken and slurry shouts. I am to the point of being drunk where I can say I know I’m drunk and I tell that to myself. I also notice more of Ian’s arms and chest and has his butt always looked like that?

“Oh, wow. I’m drunk.” I say out loud. Ian looks over at me and laughs and I notice his hazel eyes, the kind of hazel when leaves are green-brown in the fall.

“That’s my cue,” Leah cuts in. “Off to bed, Si-Si.” She easily pulls my arm and sets my drink down while she leads me to my bedroom. She gets me into bed and I have been quiet the entire time.

“Am I a bad friend?” I ask in drunken honesty.

“No, Simon, you’re a great friend. We just…do certain things because we know that you are sensitive.”

“So I’m a bad friend.” I conclude. “You guys can’t even trust me with basic information about other friends. That doesn’t sound like a good friend.”

“Si, that has no correlation with being a bad friend. We all know each other’s…issues and know how to respond accordingly. I’d say you’d have to be a great friend for your friends care and do that for you.”

“Am I a bad boyfriend?” I ask, teary-eyed.

“Simon Jacob…no. You’ll feel better tomorrow. Water is on your night stand. Sleep.” Leah kisses my forehead and lets herself out. I stare at my Elliot Smith poster and think of Bram. I close my eyes.

I open my eyes ant sit up in bed to check my phone. I must have only fallen asleep for a few minutes because I still hear the noise of the party. I text Ian.

                                                                             Can you come to my room?

. .. … Yeah! Be up in a sec.

I hear him softly open the door and Drake flowed in. He shut it behind him and Drake returned to being muffled. I personally like hearing Drake muffled.  I feel him sit on my bed near my chest.

“What’s up? Everything okay?”

I sit up on my elbow and look at him.

“Yeah, just feel a little embarrassed.”

“Embarrassed why?”

“I feel like I let you down.”

“Dude, how? Here, have some water.”

Ian leans over to grab the glass and I couldn’t help myself. I kissed him. It felt weird, but it felt like a good kiss. He pulled back, shocked and breathing hard. I stared at his eyes and he stared back until he came in and kissed me back, pulling my head towards his, pressing our lips against each other.

I jerked awake in my bed and ripped the covers off my body to find it was morning. I ran out of my room and stomped down the stairs to see Ian sleeping on the couch, leg hanging out from under the sheet, mouth open, but not snoring. I shake him.

“Ian, Ian!”

He groggily opens his eyes in a confused manner.

“Wha-What? What’s wrong dude, is everything okay?”

“Did we kiss last night?!” I whisper scream.

“What?” he said in a more awake, but more confused tone.

“Did we kiss last night??”

“Dude, no, gross,” he said, a weight felt lifted off my chest. “You were pretty far gone and passed right out after we lost the game. Then Le Burke and I played and kicked ass again and I passed out here. Ask her yourself.” He tilted his head up at the stairs and I turned to see Leah, arms crossed, in her white, fluffy robe. I stand up from the couch and Ian almost immediately falls back asleep.

I remember then Bram texted drunk-me last night and drunk-me never read it because drunk-me is fucking idiot.

Bram You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You’ll never know, Si, how much I love you, so please don’t take my sunshine away.

My lip trembles and I can’t help but cry in the middle of the living room. Leah comes over and hugs the side of me as the sun cuts through our living room curtain and paints golden light on my chest.