#it fucking looks like twitter and tiktok and it's making me NAUSEOUS

[10ccs]

the new tumblr layout is so ugly it’s sapping my creativity 

[lettersfrombeyondthegrave]

United by music my ass

So the whole thing was a mess. My aftermath thoughts are these

UK made me nauseous for how much it overshadowed Ukraine again and again. And fun fact, this wasn't the first time a country couldn't host and UK in particular stepped in. Like, it happened multiple times before.

"Look at these cool Ukraine places you can't visit and then oh a British place you CAN visit!!!"

One question. During the entire thing, has any of the hosts said a few concrete ways people at home can help Ukraine? Said any association you could donate to? Gave phone numbers to call? Anything at all I may have missed? I mean there was time to include that lil 10 seconds ad about Moroccan oil or whatever before the start of the evenings.

I fucking KNEW they would have made someone sing Imagine. And that was nauseating in itself. Mahmood looked like he was dissociating for the whole thing tho lmao

Making an Israel old entry perform two seconds AFTER imagine? A... Choice.

Also a choice the enormous amount of points that the jury gave to Israel on a year that the winning country couldn't host because of the war affecting them.

And on that note, these couple years wasn't the first time Russia launched their ass in a fucking conflict with an European country. Hello? 2008 Russo-Georgian war? Georgia is 20% fucking occupied by Russia!

And in 2009 what did Eurovision do? Said that "We don't wanna Put in" entry by Georgia was too political!!! Hello?

So why, on earth, is Israel still allowed to participate? People talk shit about Australia not being in Europe but compared to Israel I'll fucking take the Aussies and I don't even particularly like them !! And why, on earth, they thought the unicorn song was decent?

Next point. Fucking. Jury. Votes.

Do you want to know as an example the average age of Italy's jury? When I read it on Twitter I didn't believe it so here's the math!

(70+ 55+60+64+37) ÷ 5 = 57

No comment.

"united by music" let's be real you're united by the money and having the 60th anniversary of Abba + a previous winner that was involved in the ost for Euphoria, a tv series that was a massive success, is easy marketing.

Onto the next point, way too many countries were robbed. Czechia? Slapped. Germany brought for once something to the table and still got less points than whatever TikTok bullshit UK had going on. Absolute robbery. Could it have more metal screaming? It can always have more metal screaming but it was still serving cunt.

I don't even wanna mention Croatia. I'm so tired of people that treat Eurovision like every other fucking song contest, WE DONT NEED STONED SIA, I was for two minutes on Twitter and god the takes on that app. Just shut it down already. "Honestly this year was underwhelming" girl go back buying polaroids of Jimin. This wasn't made for you.

Croatia is how you MAKE a song with a message relevant to the shit that's going on in europe. Switzerland is how you DONT. Croatia was fun, parodying, putting on an apparent nosense and punk old men in drag, and THATS how it's done, what do you guys want more? Croatia was an Eurovision entry

What about Czechia message then? One question: did it sound like a boring ballad that any random British singer could make? No. Did it sound powerful and recognizable, with an identity behind it? Yes.

Ukraine this year? The cyberpunk was county, amazing, but Eurovision material? No. I've loved Ukraine entries in the past because they sang in their own language, which is already a +1 point regardless, AND included folk elements in the song. That flute thing they always have going on is DELIGHTFUL and EATS UP every single time. I love Eurovision because it exposes me to different sounds, different ways of singing. This is why I liked Moldova this year!

Anyway that's about it.

[gawdforthelovers]

suicide

i don't know tumblr's guidelines, if there are any. but i thought i'd write a little and see how it goes.

thinking about the line "i've been stabbing myself with the handle of a knife and i wonder why i'm not dead yet" or something along that track.

i feel apologetic about how much i want to die. i hold a knife against my throat but i never push. i just wait for myself to fall on top of it.

the thing is, i don't hate living. i roll down my window when my mom drives fast on the highway and i see the trees i never get to see in the city and i feel calmer. i feel nicer. and i understand and appreciate the depth in which i've been created.

and i can appreciate all of that because i would be a fool not to. i understand that the way my atoms align is a pattern that predates thought, objective. this matter has seen many "firsts" many "primaries" and "primates" and still marches the way it does. it collects itself into a stream of consciousness so that i may look up at the sky and recognize when the moon is in view. some of my atoms might even be from the moon's dust, re-materialized into an unfit teen.

my brother told me that all my music is depressing when i thought i was playing a happy song. the deeper meaning i'm assigning to this is that i'm not as happy as i think i am. i'm not as inclined to death as i once was, by any means, but i still lick my lips at the glint of a blade. i imagine a thoughtless, painless moment and i breathe deep.

i hate smoking cigarettes. they make me think too much and turn me nauseous.

i'm very bad at staying on topic. it all strings together in my brain. that's in part something beautiful and something that makes me want to die.

the truth is that the only reason i'm still alive is so that i can swim and run and sleep and write things down. that's all i've ever wanted.

the truth is that the only reason i want to die is because my life has been throttled and constrained so that these pleasures are limited. they keep them from me and let me do these things for 30% of the year and try to make me celebrate when i'm allowed like a gift. (do you know this meme? mcdonald-rib.)

in truth, i don't dream for work. my wish is to be a farmer for myself and myself only. i want a lake i can swim in next to my house and long long lands i can run through with food i can eat until the end of time and animals i can love. i want a small living room and a bedroom the size of an entire floor of my house and a kitchen big enough for at least three people. i want to chop vegetables and eat meat sparingly and make my own clothes. i want to own a truck for emergencies like when i need baking soda or cables or something ungrowable and when i need to escape from my haven. i want to take testosterone and grow muscle through survival and cut my chest smooth.

just today i was thinking that i might not survive to the point where i can afford top surgery on my own. but i don't know if i can ask my mom for her insurance. i don't know insurance. that's part of the death bit, i think.

again, i'm off topic.

i've always wished for things i don't have. that's part of the death bit, too. this life i want is a life i don't have. i want to be able to be happy with what i have.

oh, this incessant string of fucking nothingness i've just written out is another reason on my list.

i don't know if i'd write a note. my blog should suffice, no? and if not that, my journal. and if not that, my twitter. and if not that, my tiktok, and if not that if not that if not that if not that if not that

what else do you want.

[purplesurveys]

594

How are you today? I’m doing okay. My classmates in my least favorite class, Newspaper Layout and Design, have been a big pain in my ass and I’ve been carrying the entire class on my back because no one has the initiative to start giving a fuck about the requirements (I’d want to not give a fuck either, but someone has to and I’m probably the most grade-conscious person in that class) – but it’s a Friday and I’m having amazing coffee right now so it balances out. Do you have mean comments that replay in your head and haunt you? Not really. Some days I’ll remember the one hate comment I got on my ask.fm which led me to delete my account altogether, but it doesn’t bother me because I kinda proved that person wrong eventually.

For context, they told me I should stop wishing to be in UP so bad and to actually pass the entrance exam first before I’m allowed to talk about how much the university means to me. Joke’s on them – I passed the UPCAT not long after. Doesn’t mean I’d forgot the demotivating message, though.

^If so, do you know why that is? I always want to please people and thrive on compliments, so I’m bound to remember every single bad thing anyone tells me. What are you currently worried about, if anything? I’m worried about my deadlines for my Layout class. The requirements are a group effort, and so long as my classmates don’t start moving, I can’t really pass my parts anyway because I have to wait on them. UGH Did you go Black Friday shopping this past Black Friday? Pls stop asking me first-world references

^If so, what was the best deal you got? Have you ever been Black Friday shopping? What is your favorite Thanksgiving food? Do you wear a watch every day? No. Wearing them always makes me feel like there is something on my wrist, and that bugs me haha.

Pineapple or pepperoni? I don’t like either. All-cheese pizzas are my favorite. What food makes you feel nauseous? Not to say that it makes me feel like vomiting or dizzy, but I was never really a big fan of blue cheese. I can handle it on my pizza and sometimes its flavor jibes well with the other cheeses, but the taste always sticks out so I’m not particularly obsessed with it. Have you ever seen a spirit? No. When you have your own house someday, what color Christmas tree do you want and how will you decorate it? I want it traditional, so I’m going with green. It’s gonna have all sorts of decor like baubles, snowflakes, tinsel, leaves, etc. My family has always made an effort to make our trees look super nice and detailed and I wanna pass that on when I have my own place and maybe even kids down the road. Name 3 youtube channels you've been loving lately. HiHo Kids, Mankalor, and Moon Jeongwon’s vlogging channel. Do you have a youtube channel? I do but it’s only so that YouTube can tailor my homepage to what I’m into at the moment, and so that I can like/dislike videos haha. I don’t post my own content. ^If so, does your family approve? ...I don’t think they should have an opinion about me owning a YouTube account. But in any case, they don’t really mind. What do you think about the new "for kids" or "not for kids" rules? Like, parental control? I guess it’s a good thing. Kids have always had very makulit hands and end up seeing stuff they’re not supposed to. Makulit is a Filipino word that defies translation, but I guess the closest thing to it is either mischievous or restless.

Case in point: Back when I was in high school, I was working at one of the library computers when these Grade 1 kids sat at the computer beside me. They were searching images of the movie Frozen and it was all normal for a bit, but they scrolled too far down and eventually they landed at this very questionable manip of Elsa and Anna doing some stuff that kids that age definitely shouldn’t be seeing. ^ Do they affect you? No. I’m neither a kid nor a parent. What is the most disgusting thing you have ever eaten? [slight trigger warning for the vegans!!! Sorry, Filipino cuisine can sometimes be a lot to take for non-Filipinos]  I’m super adventurous when it comes to food so I haven’t found anything I’ve tried disgusting. I don’t particularly like the flavor of bopis (pork/beef lungs and heart) and pinapaitan (goat and ox innards meat flavored with bile, tamarind and chillies), but I don’t find them disgusting, and I’d still eat them if that was served at a family party.

What food is so disgusting you could absolutely never eat it? Dog/cat meat. Do you like sushi? Love sushi. What color was the last sweater you wore? Gray. Name 3 material items on your wish list right now. Nintendo Switch, a new pair of shoes (wow I really am a grown-up), and cash. Are you planning on doing Vlogmas (for youtube) this year? No. Zoella’s the only person I know who still does lmao Have you ever done Vlogmas before? No. Have you ever made money off of youtube? Omg no Are you happy that the year is coming to an end? SO HAPPY. 2019 felt like it was three fucking years long. Have you ever bought a designer purse? I haven’t bought any with my own money. Do people tell you that you look sick when you wear a certain color? No? ^If yes, what color? Do you consider yourself creative? Not at all. ....outgoing? Kinda. It depends on the situation. If I’m meant to be doing something I like or hang out with people I know, I can be very outgoing; but if it’s an unfamiliar situation, I tend to be more shy and let other people lead the way. ....free-spirited? I don’t think I’d call myself that. ....shy? Yep, at first. ....socially awkward? It’s a hit or miss. Sometimes I’m great with socializing; other times I just miss the mark. Do you often feel alone? Mostly during the Christmas season. Otherwise it’s an on-off thing for me, but the loneliness is for the most part turned off. What could be the theme song to your life? I never know what to answer in questions like this. My life has had a lot of phases and it’s hard to sum it all up into a single song. List three new songs you've discovered this year that you like a lot. I Saw You In A Dream by The Japanese House, the Summer section of Vivaldi’s The Four Seasons (thanks, Portrait of a Lady on Fire), and Joji’s Dancing in the Dark. If you could win a shopping spree in any store, what would it be? Fully Booked. Do you wear jewelry often? Very seldom. List 10 of your favorite girl names. I list them on surveys all the tiiiiiimeeeeeeeee. Uhh Olivia, Mia, Arden, Harper, Juliana/Julia, Isabella, Elizabeth, Charlotte, Lily, Emilia. I’m feeling the name Eloise tonight too, so let’s throw that one in as a runner-up. List 10 of your favorite boy names. Miguel, Joaquin, Javier, Jacob, Mason, Noah, Liam, Seth, Leon, Luis. Andres is also good, so I’m putting that in even though it’s name 11. List 10 girl names (or up to 10) that you don't really care for. That’s so many and possibly offensive :((((( I’ll just go with boomer names like Sally, Linda, Agnes (sorry to my Lola, who’s named Agnes), Karen, Pamela, Susan, Brenda...and maybe more common ones like Angela, Marie, Sam. List up to 10 boy names that you don't really care for. Not a big fan of boy names in general, but ones I don’t particularly like nor dislike are names like John, George, William (lmao just naming all the royals now I see LOL), Benedict, Jeffrey, Donald, Michael, Daniel, Drew, Mark. How old were you when you found out Santa wasn't real? Five. I didn’t find out; I just put the clues together. Do you own a Polaroid camera? Nope. I want one though. ^If so, what color is it? List one past regret. The one dumb thing I did in one of my classes where I forgot to submit something on time, and I had to make do with a late submission, which would already have deductions. Do you own Converse, and if so, what color? i used to; they were red. I stopped wearing them after a bit though so my mom threw them out. We have white Chucks now – my sister brings them with her in her dorm but when she’s home, I’d borrow it sometimes. What color was your senior prom dress? Let’s plz avoid talking about the stuff we purposely want to forget Are you colorblind? No. Name the people you know who are colorblind. Nobody, other than the colorblind folk on Twitter/Tiktok who make wholesome videos separating different colors of Skittles or M&Ms heh. What's one pet peeve of yours? People who DRIVE IN THE MIDDLE OF TWO LANES YO WHAT’S UP WITH Y’ALL Would you ever consider a career in writing? Sure, I’m kinda headed that way anyway. What was the first thing you wanted to be when you grew up? Astronaut. What was your first favorite color? Purple. What is your favorite color now? Pink or black. Do you know a lot of people with the same middle name as you? Yeah, Isabelle is very common. But where I live it’s usually spelled Isabel or Ysabel. Do you like the name Brynn? Not really. It sounds very 2010ish, wherein people would give their kids double-N’s like Kaitlynn, Rylinn, Brooklynn, Ashlynn and I was never a big fan of that trend (except for Finn, Flynn, and Quinn, which I find cute). List five names you hate the spelling of. Literally those 4 names I just mentioned. Oh and in the Philippines, there’s this trend of putting H’s on otherwise normal names, e.g. Jhulia, Mhae, Ghabriella, Mhark...it’s common in the lower classes so I don’t judge, but like it’s just not really not my taste lmao. Do you watch Niki and Gabi on youtube? No. Do you watch Brooklyn and Bailey? No. ....Bethany Mota? No. But I did see her once when YouTube held a FanFest here in Manila and she was part of the lineup. ......Gillian Bower? ....LaurDIY? .....Family Fizz? ....Chronically Jaquie? No to literally all of those. Have you ever purchased a youtuber's merch? No they are always way too expensive lol ^If so, what did you buy?