#it’s too terrifying to fathom rn but that’s because i don’t have anything about myself that could stimulate and independent lifestyle

[godeatersblog]

I hope one day I can come to terms that I won’t be able to experience anything w/those I love n care for. I hope one day I can emotionally and mentally prepare for when me and my family n friends are at an age where we won’t be healthy. It’s getting close. My aunt somehow got a miracle and no longer has cancer and it wasn’t too tough of a fight but it’s just so scary. I see my uncle’s, aunts, cousins, nieces and nephews. Shit even my own dogs and my dad are at a constant state of change and it scares me because I see the age on their face and it makes me think about how many years I have left with them and even 40 years seems like such a small amount of time. I hope before my dad passes away, I can show to him I can take care of myself and him as well. I wasn’t the best daughter these past couple years and I really wanna make up for it; especially because he’s the only parent I have and he may not be the best dad but he’s doing his best with what he knows. I can tell he cares and that he’s trying. Same with my sister, I hope one day I can build up a better relationship with her because she’s the only other person connecting me directly to mom. I’m not a very good person myself now that I look at it but regardless of if I am bad, it doesn’t mean I can’t change. I can feel my ideals and beliefs shaping themselves even more so than ever. I’m confused rn. I’m lost. I’m scared. I’m terrified of the idea that one day there won’t be a world for me to experience. One day it’ll most likely be an eternal slumber and I won’t ever experience anything ever again. And that makes me scared because I am such a loving person that I always want to be with those I love. And then another part of me is a little scared as well at the idea of what if it doesn’t end after we die? What if we experience something terrifying? I know it’s just an irrational thought but I can’t help but let my thoughts run amok. I guess that’s what makes me human but I really cannot fathom the idea that one day, I won’t be able to see Allen or Ryan. I won’t be able to call up krissy or the discord group to play ow. I can’t eat delicious foods. It’s all so sad but yet I also feel relieved at the thought that if death is just an endless slumber, i won’t have to do anything anymore. No more thinking either. I’ll become stardust once more as we all once started in this world. I hope me, my family and my friends remain healthy for the rest of our lives. I don’t want any of us to experience pain.

[myfirstandlast]

if i don’t get to kms i really really really really really hope i have a life that doesn’t have to involve my parents

[life-is-not-daijobu]

Ik there a lot of memes about the pandemic, and I myself indulge in them and make jokes of my own too. But deep down I'm scared shitless for me and my family and I am just constantly hoping that we stay safe and all of this is over soon. I cannot even begin to express just how scared I am and how much I'm constantly praying that we all stay safe and everything works out. I get terrified just thinking about it long enough. Ik people ask us to stay positive and hope for the best but come on. Staying positive and carpe dieming doesn't work inside the house. People always say we should live our lives in the present etc etc but there isn't much living to do rn, there's just surviving. And don't get me wrong, I LOVE being in the house, honestly. I anyway never used to go out much except to maintain my health. Maybe staying positive does work for some, but it doesn't for me. This is a goddamn pandemic. Staying positive is not going to do anything to stop it. People are following all the rules and still getting sick. It terrifies me to even fathom that it can happen to us even if we're following the rules.

But one of the prime reasons I'm scared is that I don't want to die like this ( I'm sure no one does). There are still so many things that I wanted to do and haven't done. I don't want to die before I have my own apartment and car. I don't want to die before I have a job I like. I don't want to die before having a dog and a baby. I don't want to die without ever enjoying my life (because my school life was horrible). I don't want to die never having loved someone who loved me back. I don't want to die never having kissed someone. I don't want to die before I get the chance to experience all the happiness I've been waiting for since so long.

//

Ik reading this might be upsetting for some people but I just really needed to vent.