#it'll get drowned out by the other stuff in the tag it's fine

[meyerlansky]

anyway i DO want roman to be the one who takes "if i don't do this i might die" seriously

and after he has his little mourning period with Gerri Drinks etc realizes what that means and has an Oh Fuck moment

then breaks into kendall's penthouse apartment MID OVERDOSE

and then roman gets to save kendall for once

[ask-the-digital-rabbit]

bang, bang, bang, bang, goes the farmer's gun. ~

read the Rules before proceeding.

an ask blog that's.. also a comic! (this is very, very VERY heavily inspired by @ask-the-rag-dolly)

i wonder, i wonder, what'll happen if you shoot The Rabbit a message? go on, i'm sure it'll be just fine. afterall, there's no right or wrong choice, right?

(this WILL have disturbing themes. i'll properly tag them as such and for now i don't know what those disturbing themes will be but they will be there. but this isn't meant to be a comic that's based solely around horror!)

RULES

no nsfw at all is tolerated. if i catch you with any inappropriate stuff and i find out who you are, i'm taking that shotgun and aiming it right between your eyes

my art's fine to use. i really don't mind, just give proper credits.

don't dm me for stuff unrelated to this blog. clutter and just awkward for me

i won't give straight answers to questions relating to lore. i also won't confirm nor deny theories about it in dms

don't rush me and please don't feel ignored if i don't accept your ask. i am one man and i get the feeling i will drown amidst the voices

call me mod Red. i don't care about pronouns for myself. if you know who i am, don't bring it up

TAGS

- asks = mainstream posts

- ooc = other stuff, mod responses

- non-canon = non-canon

- dump = doodles, sketches, etc

- Achievement Unlocked: Locked n Loaded Shotgun = thanks for sniping the rabbit between the eyes and killing him (aka breaking the plot completely)

- SIMP SPOTTED = tag of shame

[nyrator]

Got the Rotten Nyan tumblr queued up with art I've neglected to post on there.. keeping a few more sketchy doodley art still on Twitter/the website, but should be all up a little after midnight my time~

... still feel really self conscious with the kind of content I've been making vent art of lately, please don't be afraid to message me with any concerns or criticisms... I tried tagging it all with a custom warning tag (that way it won't nuke the post, I think...) hopefully that's enough... if not hopefully people let me that as well

In other life news, I'm seeing a therapist, got a job, etc~ More in the cut

So, yeah. Life.

Still a vtuber, but feels like I've stalled lately... Not in terms of growth (if anything I keep growing), but in terms of motivation. I have a list of games to play, but I just can't focus on playing games anymore, it's rough.. mostly do zatsus, but even those are pretty hit or miss and sometimes I spiral into really dumb personal unprofessional rambles...

My art commissions are picking up- more than I can handle, honestly... My clients have gotten pretty big and it's getting me recognition, I have a few big offers in store once I can get around to them and I'm excited about it... but commissions are hard. I'm going to raise prices in January, and I try to accept five a month... but I can't keep up. I can't even do one a month it feels like... And yet I keep getting dozens of requests..

So in spite of this, because of my own doing and lack of doing, I've been bleeding a lot of money. I'm at a dangerous point of money... so I finally got a seasonal job at a local chocolate shop.

Haaaaaaaa.....

It's rough... I was in a huge depression over it, and I still don't want to work... The people are nice, the hours are light, and the pay is better than expected, but it's still so stressful... My social anxiety is terrible lately, it makes me want to curl into a ball and cry. I can't stand it, I can't stand being seen, I can't focus or memorize anything on the register, I can't handle dealing with customers or fast-paced environments...

They say the season lasts until Easter because of the nature of the store, but maybe I'll leave after Christmas time if it doesn't work out.. It's really a pain, and also could affect things like my food stamps and subsidized rent. Plus, the gas I have to spend, the clothes I had to buy, etc etc.. I wonder if it'll be worth it (probably, but nyeh)

I'm in need of money, though... one, my phone is on its last legs. The battery barely lasts an hour, it's very slow and unresponsive, and the 32 GB of storage is becoming more and more unwieldy.. Going to maybe buy one tonight...

My throat is also been a mess lately- I've had trouble swallowing, to the point I was unable to eat anything without a 50-50 chance of just choking on it. Drinking water was like waterboarding, it was like I was drowning. After raising my mattress, it's helped a lot, but not entirely, so I think it's something to do with scarring thanks to acid reflux- been trying to get an endoscopy for a year and finally have one scheduled in mid December. I'm worried how much it might cost.. hoping insurance covers it, but I still had to pay almost a thousand for my colonoscopy a few years back, which terrifies me...

Other small things- items I'd like to own, taking care of Bootsie (she's fine but overdue for a checkup and she's like 13 years old), etc.

But yeah, therapy. Also started taking that- we're trying to avoid me taking any medication, but I'm afraid I might need it.. I see her every week and I've been going since early October, and she seems like a decent therapist- she's the same age as me and understands a lot of internet culture, which.. is weird to talk to someone like that who "gets it" (she's a cosplayer, for example, and knows of vtubers), but it's nice.

Been reliving a lot of past stuffs... Been trying to improve, had some good phases, but fell back apart recently and not sure how far I can really get... keeping my apartment clean is hard, feeding myself is hard, drawing and doing anything is hard. I don't watch any media these days besides some indie vtubers I know, I don't really do much of anything but be depressed.

My biggest issue, as always, is my complex/trauma/whatever you want to call it... I've started trying to embrace it the past year. I've openly admitted to it, I made an alternate Twitter account for vent art of it, etc. But it makes me hate myself so much... It's become an addiction it feels like. Do I let it consume me and fully embrace it, even though it will push people away and make people think worse of me? Even though it will attract strange people who want creepy things from me? Even though it's expensive and gross and exhausting and uncomfortable to manage?

Or do I try to quit cold turkey? Get it all out of my system, and then never talk about it again. Delete the vent account, stop drawing it, stop being paranoid without things to take care of it, and just move on. I don't know. It's a part of me. But I hate it. And I really hate myself for it, it's my biggest tool to hate myself with.

But I've tried to embraced it, and that's what the RN update will have, and I apologize for it. I don't know how to move forward now. Therapy reopened a lot of thoughts about it- it really is a weird trauma, and a lot of it stems from my childhood... I want it gone. I want to be okay and not hurt myself mentally...

But such is life I supposeee. Again, I apologize that most of my art lately has been venting about it.. even if I embrace it, I don't want to be exclusively that kind of artist, you know? It's just one of many aspects. But it's invasive. And I don't want it to be invasive, but I don't know how to handle it.

The main goal of therapy is to get me drawing again. To give me what I've lost- a drive and motivation to continue. It feels like I just go through the motions when I draw. It's awful. I can't picture anything, no ideas. Rotten Nyan is completely stagnant lately. I don't know what to do about it. Life is just empty and depressing, it feels like. I gave up on myself, and now I don't know how to un-give up. But that's what therapy's for. Hopefully it helps... She brought up medication again, and I wonder if I should try it at this rate...

My anxiety is very bad. I end up relying on my complex trauma coping methods a lot when anxious. It's embarrassing and gross. And it just fuels my anxiety more using those things. I can't stand driving, or being around people, or crowded situations. I can't handle stress, or excitement, or being praised, or anything. My nerves are shot and I just have to curl into a ball. I don't know how I'm going to improve, but I have to try...

And then my focus, which I just can't focus at all anymore.. I don't know if it's depression/anxiety, ADHD, or what, but I just can't focus at all. It's awful. Very forgetful, very not-able-to-draw.

Otherwise, not much different. Got the new Nagata Kabi manga (I still worry about her a lot... she's so relatable though, she speaks to me, but she flares my anxiety like crazy too...) Still obsessed with my Disney anime boy gacha game, it's great, Vil's great. Vil, Cater, Lilia, Jade... so many good characters....

I guess that's all for now. Hope everyone has a happy thanksgiving- will keep doing what I can to try to improve.

And again, I'm really sorry about my art output and that most of it is just gross vent art about a gross personal trauma... I'm sorry...

[dixbolik-lovers]

in the age au, after regressing for the first time and remembering some stuff they did like try to cuddle and cling, how long do you think it would take some of them to be able to talk to you properly again? and this is just for anyone, be it the sakamakis or the mukamis or even karlheinz and richter. your choice

Mmmm.... I really want to answer this for everyone, but tumblr tag limits suck. >.> I guess I'll just go for it and not put it any particular character tags.....

. . .

Shuu — Yeah, he's ignoring you for a while. He won't avoid you (that would show that he cares), but every time you're nearby, his music is up as loud as he can stand it and/or he's so "asleep" that nothing will make him budge, all while desperately hoping you'll leave him alone. Unfortunately, blocking out his problems will only work for so long.

Reiji — His pride means he can't change his behavior to avoid you, but Reiji is going to be noticeably tense around you for the foreseeable future. The other stress factors in his life determine the exact amount of time until he breaks, but before that point, he's just taking out his shame on you and being a jerk out of spite.

Ayato — He's an absolute child about it. He's grouchy, pouty, and mad, but instead of keeping his distance, Ayato winds up drawn to you in a way that's almost self-destructive. He wants your attention so badly, but with his pride in the way, that manifests as playground bully-like attempts to get a rise out of you that he'll never admit to.

Kanato — He can't decide if he wants to strangle you with his bare hands and burn the corpse, or never leave your side again. The regression scrambled him up bad. He can't make himself avoid you, but every time you interact, his emotional control is at an all-time low. Tantrums, tears, and threats are the only defenses he has.

Laito — His options are "try to make it a horny thing" and "never let himself be that vulnerable again", and neither one is great for his sanity. Laito's first instinct is to forcefully turn the regression into something sexual and safe, but the idea of it is almost unbearable. It's a fifty-fifty chance of which unwise coping strategy will win.

Subaru — He's drowning in his shame so badly, even his brothers won't see him out of his room for at least a week. Probably more. Subaru can't so much as look at you without getting agitated after that. Household destruction rates skyrocket, his temper is shorter than ever, and the intensity of his response just humiliates him more.

Kino — Regardless of how upset he is, Kino can't make himself stay away from you. He's notably more flustered and irritable than usual, and he almost seems clingy now. It'll appear that he bounces back to normal within a few days, but that's more of an attempt to convince himself he's unaffected than a reflection of his actual feelings.

Ruki — At this level of disgusted with himself, Ruki is seriously considering if he can dispose of you and cut the problem off before it can do any more damage to his pride. Outwardly, he can face you just fine, but on the inside, he's miserable. It's starting to seem like he can't get his advantage over you back no matter what he does.

Kou — He'll spend a week or so finding many convenient reasons to never be in the same place as you, but after that, it seems like nothing's changed at all. The reality is that Kou is a very good actor, and he's bottling up all kinds of frantic, panicky feelings— feelings that he's trying very hard to deny are only getting worse over time.

Yuuma — After a few days of angrily working his garden and getting his feelings out, Yuuma more or less goes back to normal. He's still all kinds of embarrassed on the inside, but being weird about it will only make him look pathetic. He's determined to put the incident behind him as soon as possible. It's not like it'll ever happen again, right?

Azusa — His recovery time is basically non-existent. Azusa is so detached from the concept of shame that, if anything, he's even clingier in the aftermath. Just like with his pain-related tendencies, he's not shy about how badly he wants the regression to happen again. It doesn't occur to him that he should be more hesitant.

Carla — It'll be a while before he can make himself talk to you again, so prepare to spend a lot of time with Shin. He knows it's pathetic for a king to flee from a challenge, but with his pride in pieces and while feeling this horrifically vulnerable, there's not much of a choice. Showing weakness in front of you now would be far worse.

Shin — He takes a day or two to wallow in his shame, but then, Shin gets just plain aggressive. It's even more humiliating to run away from you like he's scared, so he forces himself to interact... even though all that does is make him agitated and angry. The one he's really avoiding is Carla— his brother would know something is wrong.

Karlheinz — There's a good chance he'll vanish for weeks. Karlheinz is dealing with a whole lot of new, uncomfortable feelings thanks to the regression incident, and he's going to need quite a bit of time to figure them out. He's determined to convince himself the incident was no more than an experiment, and that it means nothing.

Richter — He may be horrified with his behavior on a level like never before, but Richter is a pathetic, pathetic man, and the prospect of your attention wins out over whatever dignity he has left. He's visibly more nervous and moody than usual, but at this point, what does he have left to lose? At the very least, you aren't mocking him for it.