#it's a my best friend ditched me and destroyed my self esteem on his way out song

[banditosong]

Not me writing a song about my singular "breakup" while also hating on a lot of other breakup songs

[abimckeag-blog]

In Detail, part one

now that I’ve identified the bulk of the experiences I’ve had throughout my life, I feel it’s only fair to explain how I’ve delt with them and what caused them to begin with.

I can’t always identify the roots of my issues, but I can normally come pretty close to knowing what triggered any self destructive behavior or negative mindset.

In this post I want to discuss my struggle with suicidal thoughts.

I know this is a topic that doesn’t get discussed as freely and often as it should.

according to an article written in May of 2017, over 9 million people in America alone consider killing themselves every year.

and to me, that number seems small.

I know several people who have also struggled with thoughts of suicide and unfortunately I knew several people who lost their battles.

I hope that if you are struggling right now you can draw inspiration from my story to seek out help, you should never have to deal with this alone.

before I continue I’m going to leave the number to the suicide hotline here, in case anyone can’t remember the name of that one Logic song, and because it’s a great outlet right at your fingertips, please take advantage of it if you feel the need.

1-800-273-8255, there’s an online chat option if you feel like a phone call would be uncomfortable, remember it’s anonymous, and NO ONE is ever going to judge you for taking care of yourself.

now onto my story.

until I was, around 9 I had no idea what suicide was, I didn’t realize that was an option.

I had a fairly standard childhood, I don’t remember that much to be honest.

I know my parents loved me and my siblings, but I also know they weren’t around much.

both of my parents worked full time and on call as anesthesiologists at the hospital in North Platte and we had a nanny to watch us during the day.

the bulk of my childhood memories revolve around time spent with babysitters and nannies and being forced to go to piano lessons and volleyball practice and dance lessons and the typical childhood stuff.

when I was young I didn’t want to partake in a lot of the stuff my parents signed me up for which I think is normal for young kids, I really wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self to suck it up and accept the blessings they were giving me.

but as a little 7 year old being forced to play soccer when all I wanted to do was build forts in my backyard, I couldn’t see how privileged I was to be given these opportunities.

to me, it seemed like the only time I saw my parents was when they were taking me to and from these things and even then my nanny took me to the bulk of the activities, so you’d think I’d enjoy going out and playing sports cause I got to see my parents, but that wasn’t the case.

I wanted to quit them so that we’d have time to stay at home and play hide and seek and just normal kid stuff.

as a little kid though you have no way of conveying that’s what you’re thinking, instead, all you can do is throw a fit and come off as a total brat.

so growing up with your parents not around is kind of rough and I think that really set me up for some not so great life experiences.

I never learned how to communicate with my parents, I never talked with them about important things like religion, boys, puberty, etc.

they sure tried to talk to me about it, but I never reciprocated that connection, I thought if I kept all my issues to myself then I’d seem stronger and more put together.

now all this detail about my childhood, which honestly was a great childhood, I am truly blessed, I know there are so many people out there with stories so so so much worse than mine, anyways, this just explains how I never learned to communicate or find a healthy outlet for my emotions because I only wanted to talk to my parents about all the cool stuff I did that day and not serious issues.

suicide had never crossed my mind until I was probably 11 or 12, I was a really early bloomer and my hormones basically turned me into a tyrant.

I was constantly mad at everything and I found that rebelling against my parents was going to be my new outlet.

I died my hair, I smeared black eyeliner on, I bought black lipstick, I wore all black clothes (still do, but it’s fashion), I listened to loud, angry music, I painted my nails black, I quit going to church, or when I did I was mad about it, I turned into the stereotype you’re already probably picturing.

but the thing is, I wasn’t just changing my outward appearance and physical state, my mental state was deteriorating.

it takes so much energy to be mad all the time and it was exhausting me.

I felt terrible about myself, I turned to starving myself and cutting myself and then eventually binge eating hoping it would somehow make me feel better.

I had a voice in the back of my head telling me it would all go away if I just ended it.

on several occasions I remember raiding our medicine cabinet hoping to find something I knew I could overdose on.

I remember holding a handful of ibuprofen up to my mouth hoping that if I swallowed it I would just disappear, but God was watching me.

he’d been with me this whole time no matter how many times I denied him.

something told me it wouldn’t be worth it, I told myself it wouldn’t work, I’d just end up getting my stomach pumped, and then everything would be worse afterwards.

I didn’t do it.

moving to a new town certainly saved my life in some aspects, for those that don’t know, I moved right before my eighth grade year, I transferred from a lutheran school to a public middle school.

it was quite the shock, it definitely was beneficial but also detrimental for my mental health.

I continued to struggle with the thoughts of suicide all throughout high school.

my junior year of high school was when everything peaked.

I’d made a dumb mistake that summer before without thinking about the consequences.

I lost a lot of friends and those that were once my friends were now the closest thing to bullies I’d ever experienced.

it made me sick to wake up in the morning knowing I’d have to go to school and see them everyday.

the things that were said to me were unbelievably cruel.

I remember driving around late at night just debating if I should drive my car into a light pole or a ditch, I remember considering driving head on into the oncoming traffic on many occasions.

but everytime I almost made the worst decision of my life, God intervened.

now I have never been an extremely religious person, I was raised in the church, my mom has always been on the worship team wherever we were, and my father is an extremely spiritual man, but it never translated to me until this summer.

so during this whole time, I never once sat down and prayed and asked God for advice, yet he somehow still got me through everything.

eventually, junior year ended, and there I was.

still standing.

I met a boy and I fell in love and we were together for my entire senior year, and then in late December, my self esteem dropped.

my mental health was beginning to deteriorate and thoughts of suicide rushed through my brain.

I tried to explain to him what was happening to me, but I couldn’t find the right words and he had issues going on in his life he needed to cope with, and eventually after struggling with thoughts of killing myself for 5 months, I couldn’t take it anymore.

I had a full mental breakdown in May and after months of living in a broken relationship, torn apart by my inability to love myself, we ended things.

it destroyed me for a few weeks, but I invested myself so heavily in my job and I changed gyms and started hanging out with friends whenever I could, I just sort of ignored it.

it was when nobody was around and I was home doing nothing that feelings of immense depression overtook me.

I struggled with the worst season of binge eating I’ve ever experienced this summer.

I wouldn’t get out of bed until 1pm on a good day, I’d stay out till 5am, and then repeat the cycle.

then I had my awakening, God was still watching me, he was hoping I’d find him on my own, but that wasn’t the case.

he sent one of my best friends to save me.

I spilled out everything, every bad thought, every raw emotion I’d been holding inside, and I felt free.

they told me about God’s grace and mercy and his never ending forgiveness.

they said “if God can forgive you, why can’t you forgive yourself?”.

I started to look in the mirror and instead of hating the person I’d become, I started appreciating myself for overcoming what I’ve been through.

instead of hating my body, I appreciated it for all the amazing things it’s capable of.

instead of living in regret for past decisions, I let them go.

I stopped dwelling.

but here I am today, laying on my bedroom floor, and I’ll admit that yesterday I wasn’t happy with myself, and the day before that, and the day before that, and even right now I know I’m not 100% content with myself.

and that’s okay.

I still struggle with thoughts of suicide, I have been for 7 years.

I will never be perfect.

I may never stop having dark thoughts, but I will never give in.

I know I have a purpose, I know I have worth, I know I am not useless.

and neither are you.

none of us are.

we are all beautifully and wonderfully made and God loves us so much, it’s completely unfathomable.

if you are struggling today and you need someone to talk, feel free to talk to me, I am here for anyone, but before you talk to me,

I want you to pray.

ask for guidance, ask for forgiveness, and know that you are loved, no matter how far you think you stray from the Lord, he is always right there beside you, just waiting for you to call on him.

now I know there’s a lot I didn’t cover in this, even though it’s very long, but I will continue posting these, hence why this is only part one.

each one discussing different issues I have dealt with and I’m sure some of you are experiencing.

I really hope this helped you, even if it didn’t, I hope you can understand for just a second that God loves you, he always has, and always will.

[voxmore-incorporated]

you could write about the moment he decided to finally attack the plaza :0

Video Clip - x7It had been a year or two since I had recovered from my horrible mishap with the large heroes and ditching of “friends”. Mother had been so intent on keeping me inside after that, and I was certainly fearful of returning and having those same heroes do potentially worse damage, but curiosity still pulled me back to the outdoors. When mother went away on a business trip for the day, I snuck out, once again. This time, however, I would be ready, and make sure to keep myself out of harm's way better. I hid in the bushes and snuck my way across the highway. There, I saw him.Mr. Gar.He was intimidating and looked completely able to destroy every fibre of my body. In the broad daylight, I managed to get behind him. I was so ready to take revenge on those other heroes by messing with him. I threw a box at him, with an insult written in marker. (All the shipments we got were always plenty for any good imagination) Surely this would be able to weaken his self esteem! He would become sensitive and I could challenge him! He got angry, but caught up in the moment, and becoming cocky, I decided to challenge him to a fight regardless. I fought best I could, but alas, I was shoved by his elbow so hard.... I went around the world!! As defeated as I was, it was certainly a sight. It was part of my inspiration. I kept my dreams for domination of the plaza alive and made a big part of that dream a reality after that. If anything, I could say I t. Th. Th-th-tha--a------clip ends abruptly, cutting off midsentence

[rimarzaarts]

1-6 for apprentice meme

This is very long, Under a cut!

1) Your apprentice was brought along to one of the masquerades with a friend, who promptly ditched them ten minutes into it. What happened? How do they react?

Chances are the person Cerys went with asked her as a last resort, one of her classmates, maybe. She’s used to that sort of treatment. Of course, she’s excited she even has someone to go with, so she’s all smiles up until they slip out of her arm and find someone more interesting to be with.

She makes excuses at first as to why they’re gone. Maybe they went to the toilet and she didn’t hear them mention it. Maybe they needed some fresh air after being in the humid ballroom for too long.

That all would change after she see’s them leaning into the touch of another. The dull sting of betrayal sits between her shoulders, aching. She would make sure they knew what they’ve done. Standing directly in their view she makes her presence known without saying a word.

If my night is going to be ruined, so is yours.

2) Does your apprentice get flustered over anything? What make them flustered? Do they turn red? Stumble over words?  

She’s hanging herbs on a drying rack when Asra returns from a brief trip to the market. her shoulders tense as the drag of a long stem cuts into her hair and settles behind her right ear.

“What’s this?” her hand shoots up to brush against satin petals.

“I saw this and thought of you.” he snaps his long fingers and presents her with a white peony, identical to the one he just placed behind her ear.

Suddenly, everything but his eyes deserve attention. “How um, ni- uh, no- thoughtful” she steals a glance at his wicked grin and her face begins to burn. “of you, that is- um thanks.”

He takes her hand and plants a small kiss on the back of it before wrapping her fingers around the stem. “Anytime.”

3) How would your apprentice handle being so close to something that they desperately want, only to have it ripped away? What was it?

Denial. She wasn’t trying hard enough. She pushes harder on the magic hiding the face of someone dear. It pulls away.

Again. Sharp pains prick behind her ears as she tries to close the distance between herself and the memory.

“I’m closer now.” The small pricks of pain become pails of agonizing pressure, sure to make her head split in two.

But something shifts and suddenly she’s falling back down. The spell is broken.

Screeching fills her ears and suddenly she’s back in reality. Tilly is shrieking in her crossed legs, wings flapping erratically. The chalk circle drawn around her is disrupted, likely destroyed in Tilly’s fit.

She would have scolded her had it been any other spell, but the desperate look in the white owl’s onyx eyes spill with tears shed of fear. Tilly had been protecting her, despite how badly she had wanted to see that memory.

Shaking shoulders fall forward to cradle the bird into a tight embrace. She presses her face into her feathers and sobs until sleep overtakes them both.

4) Talk about your Apprentices’ self-esteem

(this is soon after she got ditched at the masquerade.)

She ignored the stares of the partons as she made her way past their incredulous stares. It was too far to walk home after the disaster that was her exit from the masquerade, so she holed up in the bathroom at an empty pub.

“Pathetic.” She breathes as she glimpsed at her disheveled self in the mirror above a brass sink. Her cheeks were flush and her eyes puffy.

“I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did.” she whispers to herself. “I must’ve embarrassed them.”

She recalls their responses from the night. The way they practically had to drag themselves beside her. “But… they were being a poor date.”

Her mind returns to when they entered together, how tightly she clinged to their arm, practically suffocating them in her excitement. “Maybe it was me. I must’ve been too forward,”

Or… she remembers how easily they drifted so easily into another’s arms, how easily they could disregard her existence. “Or maybe, I just didn’t matter.”

(Yeah, her self esteem is shit.)

5) What’s one physical flaw about themselves that they hate? Do they have a reason for hating it?

“The sun is blazing hot today,” Wipes his brow with his free hand, the other shifts over one of the heavy curtains letting the light breeze filter into the shop. “Yet you insist on wearing a cardigan.”

“It doesn’t bother me.” Cerys doesn’t meet his gaze as she presses the cool flask against her cheek, her eyes closing as she savors the chill. Her breath is shallow.

Asra’s eyebrows raise. “Really?” he deadpans. Shaking his head lightheartedly, he makes his way over to her and playfully tugs a bit at her cardigan, the fabric falls away, revealing stark lines of silver scars. Her hand immediately pulls it back in place. He huffs at her response. “Cerys, come on. You look like you’re going to faint.”

“I’m fine, quit slacking.” She swats him away before turning to reorganize one of the cabinets.

She never makes it to the cabinet, though. A surge overtakes her and she is suddenly seeing the floor rush up to her. Before she can react, strong arms reach around her waist and cradle her as she and Asra sink down to the floor together. He quickly takes the nearest flat item and begins fanning her.

“Cerys!” Asra’s eyes are wide, filled with a fear that she feels is familiar. “Are you okay?”

She doesn’t answer. Responding only with the weak attempt to remove the cardigan. Asra takes the fabric and slides it away. A cold breeze forms as he blows an ice spell onto the makeshift fan. They fall into a tense silence.

“It’s ugly, isn’t it?” she whispers, almost inaudibly.

Asra reels his head back in confusion. “What is?”

“The scars. I didn’t want you to see them.” his eyes fell to the silver veins creeping along the top of her shoulders and down her inner arm. He already knew that these stretch marks were there, he’d seen them before but she doesn’t remember that.

He traces them with a long finger then leans down to kiss her shoulder where one of the veins ends. “They’re beautiful, they’re part of you.”

6) Do they have a personality shift depending upon certain people? Who does it change for and how so?

Nadia and Portia had been brilliant company during the lunch Nadia had organized for the three of them. Cerys couldn’t help but maintain a bounce in her step as she and Portia made their way back to the library to continue her research. The two exchanged silly stories about their animal companions all the way back.

Just as Portia reached the gag in her tale of Pepi vs. Camio a short blue feathered chamberlain cleared his throat “Lady Vinatia.” Cerys winced at the title but nodded for him to continue. “Consul Valerius wishes to speak with you.”

Her face scrunches up and she lets out a long heavy sigh that almost sounded like a hiss. “What is it that he wants and can it be guaranteed that he won’t spill wine on it?” Portia lets out a muffled chuckle before covering it up with a convincing cough.

The chamberlain grins, amused. “I cannot guarantee the lack of wine, but I can tell you that he wishes to discuss guard rotations, he wants your input to sooner catch the doctor.”

Subconsciously, she glances over to Portia whose face is a perfect mask of tranquility. Yet the dull, unseeing haze clouding her eyes and clenched jaw is all too revealing of her concern.

“I’ll go, thank you for telling me.” she excuses him briskly and turns to see Portia standing with her hands clasped and eyes threatening to spill.

“Valerius won’t find Julian, not if I can help it.” Cerys sets her hand on her upper arm, comforting the handmaiden.

She sniffles a bit. “Is that not what you’re here for?”

“I’m here to find the person who killed the count. I’ve yet to find sustainable evidence that says “Julian did it.”” the magician pats her arm once more, then sets off to find Valerius.

“Don’t waste your time getting guards to patrol that area.” Cerys bites at Valerius as he downs the last of his glass.

He stands to pour more wine for himself. “Why not? The area is filled with abandoned buildings, dark alleys, and that pub, the Rowdy Raven, it’s filled with criminals. I say he’d been right at home there.”

Cerys moves to the opposite side of the table, ensuring there is always a structure between the two of them. “Jul- The Doctor, has a bounty on his head, no?” she turns a document around on the desk and reads the list of guard rotations, all of them are poorly assigned.

“Yes.” he draws out the word as if recalling its merit.

“Would an area filled with criminals who’d do anything for money be the best place for a man with a royal bounty to go?” she challenges him, her mouth turned down in an irritated frown.

He takes a long drink from his glass and stops to let it sit in his mouth before he swallows. “I suppose it wouldn’t.”

Cerys perks up. “Perfect! Then we’re done here.” She rushes to the door. “It was a pleasure to see you again, Consul. I hope this collaboration was informational enough so that we never have to speak again.” with a loud thud from the door she leaves Valerius confused and slightly offended.

[slowmotion-nightmare]

Sometimes you find old boxes to unpack in the corners of your mind. You forget they’re there, until something reminds you that this was a significantly contributing factor to why you are the way you are.

Maybe you didn’t really forget. Maybe your mind just kinda blocked it out.

When I was a young lad, I was in an abusive friendship with a boy named John. We were 10 years old, he was simultaneously my best friend and my worst nightmare.

He was incredibly mean, manipulative, supportive and fun all at the same time. His dad had died a year before I met him, so I always assumed him being mean was how he was working through his dad being gone. I figured he was probably angry at the world and sometimes that got directed towards me.

I can’t recall how we became friends in the first place. It’s just one of those things where I can only remember being friends, but not the beginning. We did have some fun times. He taught me how to swim. He taught me a lot about computers. We used to record fake radio shows on his sisters boom box in made up voices and develop comedy routines.

But he also destroyed my developing self confidence. I was awkward. I was overweight. I didn’t have many friends (any really) aside from him. And he regularly let me know that. He’d tell me I was too much of a loser to have friends. And that I was lucky to have him around.

I had terrible self esteem. I remember one day he pinned me to the ground with a couple other boys from school in his back yard and painted on my face with a chocolate donut, yelling fatty wants a snack. And I, the fool I was at the time, was right back over his house to play video games the next day.

I remember the day he and some other kids ditched me at the park. They all rode their bikes home and I had to walk back to his house. And when I arrived his mom said he’d left and gone to another boys house. So I hung out and played cards with his mom until my mom picked me up. His mom was always very nice and I think she knew he treated me poorly.

The final straw was when he locked me a garbage area. You know, those fenced in squares behind buildings where they keep the dumpsters out of sight...

We’d wandered into one to go dumpster diving for anything neat someone had tossed out. When I wasn’t paying attention he snuck out and locked the gate with me inside. And left.

I was too fat and lacked the upper body strength to climb over the fence. I was literally trapped. I waited about an hour before it started getting dark and panic of being there overnight started to set in. I stacked a bunch of random things together as best I could to try and climb over the fence. I succeeded in getting out, but caught my shirt on the fencing and ripped it in half climbing/ falling to the other side.

I didn’t know exactly how I was going to explain that to my mom but I didn’t care. I was out.

That was the last day I was friends with John. I finally realized he didn’t care about me as a person and I needed to be on my own.

Unfortunately, that portion of my life stuck with me pretty hard. It wasn’t the only period of time I was bullied, that happened throughout middle school/ high school. But that planted the original seed of self doubt, that I’m not good enough. That people don’t really like me. That I’m forgettable. It also resulted in me growing really attached to people that show me kindness and people that I connect with.

I rather dislike my fragile self esteem. It makes me feel weak, vulnerable, and dependent on others for validation. I can usually keep in check, but sometimes, unpredictability , it decides it want to make an appearance.

Cheers, to another box, pulled from the cube. Unpacked.