#it's been 19 years of having it but i've been really mistreating my body and not at all taking care of myself

[nc-vb]

ughhhhkshks now that i'm actively trying to take better care of my diabetes, i keep having low blood sugar rather than consistent highs and i'm just... how tf do i explain this lmfao, my body feels like a slime monster?? like that's how i'm moving around rn and i feel all sludgy and weak like i'm about to melt????

[theharshestaddiction]

i'm mad

this whole years i've been mad. mad at men. mad at all the men that should have protected me. mad that I even find them attractive. mad that I can have sex with them. how could I do that? how could I respect and give into them. this narrative of not all men has been shoved so far down my throat that I just get nauseous thinking about it. it is all men. its ingrained into their personality to mistreat and take. they colonize women and gasp for their lungs while telling them they don't need air. i kiss my boyfriend and feel great, but I think about it later and feel bad for giving in. i should be with a girl. i should be with a woman. i should be somewhere else. i shouldn't love them.

my father, who hit me. my brother, who taught me to masturbate. my first boyfriend, who assaulted me. my favorite teacher, who wanted to rape me. my ex partner, who did.

the longest period of time i've gone without being physically molested, without having my body colonized and ripped up by a man, is 4 years.

4 years out of 19. 4 years out of 19 have I been free.

so why do i spend hours, gazing at my boyfriend? why do i spend hours gazing at pedro pascal? why do i spend hours gazing at the gender who hurt me most. why don't I take romantic solace in a woman who would hold me with the gentleness i desire.

why do i desire rape and hurt. why do i desire pain from men.

why do i feel the need to be used, why do I let myself indulge in that

i don't feel animosity toward my boyfriend, i love him dearly and i have for a long time. but even he used me, before we were in love.

this feeling. these feelings . they are so self destructive. i don't know if its because i am suicidal or because i dont think i have any self worth. all I feel is the need to be reduced to nothing but something to make a man happy.

my dreams consist of being in a room, pitch black with a blindfold on. he would tell me what the outside looks like, if its sunny or raining. he would kiss my hands so i could feel something for the day. iw ould be deprived, alone. i would depend on him. i would never leave that room. he would feed me, let me drink from a cup. he would bless me with the necessities of life.

my life is happy, i am happy. why do i still have this desire to be inhuman.

i dream of a life where i live away from civilization, with no one to save me. he wouldn't abuse me, but he would make every decision for me. the clothes I wear, the meals i eat, down to each brushed tooth. everything would be decided by him. my god. he would be my god.

i worship the men that hurt me because it makes me feel alive.

some people have these sorts of thoughts as sexual fantasy, but I really do feel this way. i wish I were so beneath being human I didn't matter. i would live for anyone else but myself. i do not wish to be served but to be degraded until it feels like i've committed the suicide i want to.

i want a man to quiet my mind. to quell the rage within me with a brush of his hand.

[ny4m]

Hiyaaa

Hope you're doing well and taking care of yourself🥺

I'm here for the matchup event👉👈

I'm a girl, straight! (Male character preferred)

I'm 18 years old (turning 19 this weekend). I'm short, like 157 cm :,), my body is kinda average and I have mid long black hair (plus black eyes!). Uh and I have one dimple on my left cheek🥺

At first I'm reaaaaaally introvert, I never speak and many people think I'm mute lol. But once you get to know me I kind of start speaking more! I have a caring and really kind nature and I can never say no (to the point people use this against me🥲). I get scared easily. I can’t stand seeing people being mistreated or bullied, even if I'm not that scary I always try to step in.

I really love reading and art! I spend all my afternoons in libraries and if I go to some art exhibitions I'll literally spend the whole day there. I also can sleep easily (once I fell asleep during a party, even with all the music I was able to sleep peacefully-).

What else..uh I'm hardworking! My family doesn't have a lot of money so I work a lot, trying to make some money.

Lately I've been trying to learn sign language! Because in my city one deaf guy was mistreated on the bus because of his earing loss and I felt really bad...

I hope it makes sense🙈

Thank you and always take care of yourself🥺

— Hello!!! thank you for sending this in!!! also, I also only have one dimple!! its on my right cheek! (*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)

I match you with,,

SEISHU INUI ! <3

— YOU GUYS WOULD BE SUCH A CUTE PAIR !!!!

— Seishu would admire your selflessness and your determination!

↳ if he sees you stepping in a fight or something he would be there to back you up!! But if you go to him and your hurt he'll always be willing to treat your wounds and patch you up! how sweet<3

↳ He loves the fact you work hard! but he makes sure you never overwork yourself. He'll always ask you if you've eaten yet or have had a drink! and if you haven't, he'll make food just for you, or he'd bring you a bottle of water ٩(^‿^)۶

— If someone asks you for a favor and you're too afraid to turn them down, Seishu is always willing to say no for you! He knows when you're uncomfortable and isn't afraid to step in just for you !

— LIBRARY AND ART MUSEUM DATES!!!!

↳ He loves listening to you talk about the books you've recently read! He would go to the library with you and instead of reading himself he would ask you to read out loud to him,,

↳ But if you guys go to an art museum he'd love to walk around with you hand in hand <3 He'll also love seeing your own art! make sure to show him,, he always loves it! (´∀｀=)

— Would let you fall asleep on him in public... or anywhere! he'd make sure no one wakes you up and that you get the beauty sleep that you deserve!

ᡴꪫ Couple photos that remind me of your guys relationship..

And a song! <3

— I hope you enjoyed this!! im sorry if there are any grammar errors! >_>