#it's just so infuriating to read the news these days like. denying some trans woman the right to live her life and be healthy

[imwritesometimes]

It's becoming just.... blatantly obvious that all this GOP posturing on transgender individuals being about ~protecting women's rights~ is just them trying to save face after they got Roe overturned and that has since backfired massively for them. Like it's so clear they think this is somehow gonna win points with women 'see we really care abt ur rights! We're trying to protect you!' while they still try to pry those rights from our hands not to mention there's no danger cis women face from trans people anyway

[notyourparadigm]

Exploration in Gender and Sexuality

Considering this is a personal blog, thought I’d post / archive my current experience and thoughts on my gender and sexuality, and how it’s changed in the past years.

Spoilers: I’m questioning my gender and finding myself less asexual now because of it, as I think I mistook my repulsion towards sex due to my gender dysphoria for asexuality. Seeing several counselors and getting a GP to diagnose me with gender dysphoria seems to confirm this suspicion.

For those of you new to me, as of the time writing this post (Dec 2019) I'm 25 years old and AFAB from a small town in rural Canada.

When I was about 15 or 16 I came out to my parents as trans and wanting to identify as male. Their response was basically “no, don’t do that”, and it was promptly swept under the table and never discussed again. For much of my life, I’ve learned to be a rather passive individual, favouring avoiding conflict over getting my way. 

This may in large parts be due to my relationship with my mother, and reinforced over many years of finding that just being malleable based on the situation avoided arguments and disagreements. I think this also had positive effects on me, as I tend to be very good in mediator roles or in resolving conflicts rationally, and when push comes to shove I’m usually one to tell someone they are being an idiot with opinions relating to bigotry, etc. I actually quite enjoy debate and rhetoric, just not at the cost of making relationships “awkward”.

Up until very recently, I figured I was asexual. My interest in sex was practically non existent and made me uncomfortable to think about. I described it at times as just "not finding myself sexually attractive", despite finding males and females attractive. Just so long as the sex involved ME, I was not interested. Instant turn off. This also was further enforced by my irritation of sex being such a focal point in so many narratives and parts of our lives, and I resonated much with the asexual community.

Flip forward to almost a decade later now, where I have been seeking counseling for depression, family issues, and relationship advice, and now the gender issues are back to the front of my mind and full force. I bought proper binders for myself for the first time, cut my hair short for the first time since I was in high school, and again went through and bought anything at Goodwill that was masculine and my size and decent looking. I've basically done everything young me did when I was trying to present as male in high school. Except I'm still not sure if I'm willing to call myself male.

The reality is, I lived with being a perceived female for a quarter century now, and most days I didn't think anything of it. I even knew that some days I even looked good as a female, despite low self esteem generally dominating my self opinion. I've never had suicidal thoughts because I was female or anything to that extreme, not at least since I went through puberty (when the first issue I had with my gender really arose, and where I will very much admit I had dark and unsettling thoughts). I've become a well adjusted cis female, honestly. If I hadn't gone to therapy and re-opened this can of worms, I probably would not be thinking about this at all.

But I do know that I wish I was male. If I had a magic genie to grant me being born a male, while still being my personality, I would not hesitate to take that wish. I don't doubt I have dysphoria about my body, particularly my internal organs and periods and the thought of getting pregnant. It’s enough to make my skin crawl to even think about-- becoming pregnant has been one of my longest recurring nightmares. 

But-- and I know this sounds like a real cowardly though-- I don't know if my discomfort from being female is worth the likely ridicule and stress I would face from being trans. I'm in a pretty liberal area in Canada now, and the idea of coming out as trans terrifies me. Telling my coworkers, my roommates, my family... it's not even like it's like I'm in high school and just claim I'm "experimenting" with gender the same way. I'm a professional with work and meetings and I fear what sort of impact this would have on everything external to me.

I've been seeing more different counselors this year than I have in my life, and telling my parents recently about what I’ve been exploring and dealing with, it was... far from pleasant. It was horrendous, I’d say. They weren’t outright transphobic-- I think they’d be very accepting of other people being trans-- just not me. Not their child. They seemed to act like I was getting a lobotomy or was going to drop out of school and become homeless, saying things like “you have such a gift, don’t throw it away” or “you know you’d never truly be male, you’d just be some weird thing in between, and people would judge you for it”. Weird hurtful statements I think come from a place of fear, but still stay and hurt me.

I come from a STEM background, so I'm infuriated that there isn't some sort of diagnostic test you can conduct to confirm or deny an individual is trans. Like, brain scans, blood test, something measuring a non biased biomarker. Something that doesn't involve asking me a question about how I feel. Because when I'm asked that, it's so easy to convince myself into thinking I feel one way or another. When I answer "yes" to saying I dislike my body, I can think no woman honestly likes their goddamn uterus which causes them more collective pain in their life than any one person. Low self esteem is about as common as the cold. And sure I dislike my chest and female reproductive / sexual organs, but I've lived without worrying over it too much the last 9 years so why is it suddenly something I'm hating now? Am I just trying to justify a childhood fantasy of being male?

I'm not even sure the gain I'd get from being male is "just" enough. While I feel happier looking at a mirror and seeing a masculine me, photoshopping or make believing different features onto my face, did I not live a "good" life up until now presenting as female? Truthfully, the only way I think I'm convinced I feel the desire to be male is sexually. When I have and think of my own female anatomy, I cannot bring myself to get aroused or do sexual things. But when I began to fantasize about having male parts, taking on a male role in a relationship, suddenly I found myself as horny as a teenage boy. If I were to remain a cis female, I don't doubt I'm asexual. But if I were to be a trans male, I'd be bisexual-- especially consider the significantly increased libido associated with testosterone therapy.

I’ve been going to a local transgender support group in my city, and while the majority of the people there are transgender women or on that side of the spectrum, it has been somewhat encouraging to see other people living wholesome lives, or talking about shared experiences-- but I do also feel like I’m entering a voluntary echo chamber in this regard. Of course I’m going to go there and hear voices saying “it’s fine to be trans, you’re valid and accepted”-- and I know that this is coming from a good place in their heart, but it’s not the objectivity I want.

On the flip side, I also find myself visiting and reading post on very anti-trans websites / subreddits / etc as well, to try to expose myself to the opposite opinion-- and, of course, these are echo chambers as well, but this time with people saying the exact opposite. These places are also filled with a lot of rhetorical fallacies-- only looking at the extreme cases of people behaving unacceptably as examples of the greater whole, or applying faulty logic and ignoring scientific experts as being a part of a greater “trans conspiracy”. I think most of it is total nonsense. But there’s a part of me-- a not-so-small part-- that is worried if they are actually right despite their fallacies. What if gender affirming therapy is a fringe idea with high risks that somehow made its way into mainstream culture? What if people presenting potential counterpoints are genuinely getting shut down because anything that is anti-transgender therapy is seen as bigotry, even if the science is saying something to the contrary?

I don’t know, everything is complicated. I find myself dissociated from my identity most days now. I can’t help but wonder if dissociation is a symptom or a cause of the gender identity issues. And that’s a whole new load to unpack.