#it's my husband preparing to roast weenies for me

[donnerpartyofone]

man i hope this isnt weird and i know its a little weird but ive followed you for a while and feel a deep kindred spirit with you. i know its only parasocial and we arent mutuals so its all good but like some of the things you post resonate with me so deeply and you articulate things abt yourself that i also feel abt my self but you articulate them better than i ever could. also we have very similar hair but i usually weird mine buzzed but when it grows out it looks a lot like yours and you rock it in ways i never feel confident enough to do. idk i just saw your post abt being a bad person but not in the ways ppl think you are and thats like something i think to myself all the time like i wish ppl who think im good knew i was bad and ppl who think im bad knew how wrong they were abt the ways im bad. and things youve posted abt being a stupid person and having ppl be like "youre not" resonate too bcuz its like im painfully PAINfully aware of my own stupidity and bumbling thru like but my loved ones dont want me to think that way or acknowledge it but i think there is something truly liberating in knowing i am inherently dumb in a lot of ways and to a lot of things and i have to work harder to live a good life bcuz of it. idk. im doing a bad job of explaining myself here. but anyways. i just wanna say thanks for putting your thoughts on this website for me to follow and keep doing you, bcuz youre doing it great.

Well I hope it's not weird for me to post this, I suppose it is anonymous after all; it feels kind of private to me but also I am also having a freakishly difficult couple of weeks and it was meaningful to hear someone say "I know what you're talking about." (I think you are speaking very clearly btw) I feel like a lot of the rhetoric society uses to address people who have depression is devised by people who don't suffer from it, like there's a lot of language about how "you're not alone" and a lot of idealizing talk about how great the self-denigrating sufferer appears to others, and that's nice and all but it kind of dismisses the individual's own personal experience of themselves. A person is more complex than their need for extra hugs or attention or something, and a person's perception of themselves/experience of having to be with themselves is not contingent on the perceptions of others even if the external impressions are positive. I don't know, I hate to shit on supportive behaviors but a lot of them are basically dismissive of a person's status as the de facto expert on themselves; I don't really think it's ultimately helpful to make people feel like they don't know what they're talking about, about their own selves. It can be maddening actually, and idealizing talk in particular has a way of suggesting that things have to be great for them to be at all acceptable. Which is really oppressive to tell the truth.

Interlude: In grade school my best friend's class had to do this exercise where they made acronyms of of their first names using various personal qualities, and the teachers gave her shit because for the letter A she used Adequate, and they thought this was, like...bad and had to be corrected.

Anyway I have always written very obsessively and I think it's related to wanting to be understood. Which is not the same thing as wanting to be appreciated, or wanting to feel not-alone. I think I just want someone to say they know what I'm talking about, instead of telling flattering lies or suggesting that something is wrong to say or dismissable just because it seems negative or painful. As if discomfort is automatically invalidating. Someone asked me recently if I journal and I laughed because I've done it all my life, and also because I actually have a SACK of journals under my bed, one regular one, one for dreams, one that's about my dysfunctional relationship with money and materials, etc. And then there's my various blogs of course. I have a couple of semi-pro writing projects going too that I hope I get to announce soon. But it's really all about just the fantasy of articulating something so carefully, preferably in ink (or "ink"), that no one can possibly pretend that they don't know what I'm talking about ever again.

It's funny that we wear our hair the same. I used to wear it half-shaved but my hair grows so fast, it gave me a lot of anxiety. But on that note I must say that whatever pictures of me you see are like 1/1000, I find it very hard to take a picture I'm satisfied with and I often just wind up feeling embarrassed, but ultimately I think I'm just trying to fix some positive mental image of myself even though I know we're all different people at different hours of each day. I dunno. Actually it becomes problematic because a couple of people are always telling me how "photogenic" I am and then I'm like WHY DID IT TAKE ME THREE HOURS TO GET THIS ONE SHOT THEN, and they refuse to believe me when I explain how many pictures I throw out. They think they're doing me a big favor by pretending everything is effortless for me. I have especial problems with my hair, probably every picture you see of me was anxiously snapped at some exact moment when it was behaving! So don't worry, I'm having a really hard time with my appearance basically always. Pictures other people take of me are mortifying, and I'm always like FUCK, that's what they think is a good, representative photo of me? Uh oh. Pictures I take of myself are usually taken in an emergency in fleeting, ephemeral moments where I suddenly look ok to myself.

This morning I went to the church where I've been going since February, a beautiful place full of eccentric older people I have fallen a little in love with. Sometimes I'm tempted to actually convert to Catholicism, like maybe that would be the gothest thing I could do, but I know that I will always believe in abortion and the right to suicide and I'm not too sure about hell or the historical Jesus or papal authority. I just really like it in this specific church. This morning one of the oldest ladies who goes on the weekdays like me introduced herself, she was very sweet and she was wearing hoops that were styled like chains, I don't think she realized they were bad bitch earrings, they just looked nice on her. She said it was nice to see "young people" getting involved with the church, and I wanted to tell her I turned 42 last week, but I might still be the youngest person there! When I met some of the other folks last month they told my husband that he looked like Geraldo Rivera, and then remarked that they thought we were too young to be aware of Geraldo. I told them we're old enough, we're just packed in our own oil. Anyway this is my big excuse to post selfies I was struggling with, I feel more conflicted about them these days, but I guess I'm still compelled. Thanks so much for your understanding, and have a good night!

[ainawgsdoutdoors]

Cubscout Spookoree

We had a great time at Spookoree this weekend! It’s a family camping trip held by the local cub scouts that includes a whole day full of themed activities, two nights of camping, and a trick-or-treat parade! This year our campsite was out at Dovetail, one of the farthest from the activity building/dining hall and a pretty good hike in from the parking lot. But it was very secluded, with no other campsites bordering us and plenty of space for the dozen or so tents we needed for the 37 campers that went this year!

And being one of the more secluded campsites, it was rife with nature! The kids found this little guy Friday night while we were setting up the tents. There were several reports of a large black snake on the path between camp and the latrine, and my Saturday afternoon nap ended with a bunch of curious campers behind our tent because they saw a small (maybe 6 inch) snake just under the tent next to one of the stakes! And we were serenaded by screech owls both nights we were there!

Friday night the camp did not provide food, so the pack had a weenie roast for those who didn’t eat on the way in. My first two hot dogs were cold by the time I got to them, since I had to make buns for both my boys. And then the 7yo dropped his on the ground right as he was taking the first bite! So I had to give one up for him. Ballpark franks, not nearly as good as the UofI hot dogs we usually bring with us for family camping trips, but still pretty good hot and crispy from the fire.

Saturday’s weather couldn’t have been more perfect! Just a touch cool in the shade and pleasantly warm in the sun. And we finally found the fall colors we’ve been missing on our hikes closer to home!

Part of the Spookoree activity program every year is a haunted hike. Since this year’s theme was Magic and Mysteries the hike was less spooky and more magical. At each station the kids were given a new magic trick to tuck into their bag of tricks. They got a disappearing penny, fortune telling fish, pet worm, and a Chinese finger trap, plus a magic wand!

After the magical hike, the kids did the Oz-tacle course while the grown-ups kicked back for a nice rest in the sun.

Then it was on to Magical Games before another short hike back to the front of camp for Crafts and Yard Games, then lunch. 

After lunch was shooting sports (BB guns, slingshots, and archery) then back to the campsite to rest up a bit and prepare for trick-or-treating. I had a headache, so I took a nice little nap in the tent. I’m assuming the boys played various games around the campsite until it was time to put on their costumes.

There’s something surreal about walking through the woods and finding a dinosaur tromping along! There were two inflatable t-rexes, a heaping handful of marvel characters, lots of video game characters (esp. Mario Bros, Minecraft, and Fortnite), and a healthy smattering of monsters and police/soldier/ninja uniforms. Sadly I was feeling quite unwell during trick-or-treating so I didn’t get any pictures. A little sugar and caffiene by way of mountain dew had me feeling much better by dinner time. Which was good because our lone Bear cubscout ran out of camp by himself looking for my husband (who is the cubmaster) in his excitement to work on his whitling chip. Thankfully he came trotting back up the trail just as we were trying to figure out who to send on a search party. But then we all had (another) discussion about sticking with the buddy system and not leaving camp alone.

After dinner it was back to camp for S’Mores and marshmallows by the campfire until the Firebowl program (campfire skits and sing alongs), which most of the campers attended while I stayed behind and minded the fire. I also did a tiny bit of star gazing, what little could be seen from under the canopy. Then it was bed time! 

I went to bed as soon as more adults came back from the firebowl to keep an eye on the fire pit. About an hour or so later, at lights out, the rest of the camp settled down to a light drizzle. According to husband, it rained briefly at bed time, and again one more time during the night. By morning it was overcast, but not damp. A few of the adults took most of the kids up for breakfast while the rest of us stayed behind to break camp and pack the trailers.

Our tent had broken at some point between our Yellowstone trip and Spookoree. It withstood the weekend, but it was starting to look like it had developed Bell’s Palsy by the end of the camp out. Then we couldn’t get it completely compacted to fit back into the bag! Thankfully we brought our little camping trailer along so that we had battery power for one of the parents with a CPAP machine, so it was no big deal to just shove the whole tent in without bagging it properly. 

Ours probably isn’t the only tent making Spookoree the last event. Because apparently it’s not Spookoree unless somebody eats way too much Halloween candy and pukes in a tent! Thankfully it wasn’t one of my kids this year (that was last year). 

We did manage to loose a kid (sort of) this year though. As we were packing up camp we couldn’t find either of our kids. When a small group returned from the latrine, we still couldn’t find the 7yo. He and another scout had decided to go on up to breakfast after the main group had already left. They didn’t tell anyone they were leaving, but at least they went with a buddy!

It was a relaxed sort of tired that we left Spookoree with. And a sense of uncertainty, as this may or may not have been the last Spookoree ever. Our scouts recently joined up with the Greater St. Louis Area Council (GSLAC) and the current Camp Director and Program Director at the Rhodes-France Scout Reservation (where Spookoree is located) are both stepping down this year. Because of a major scouting event being held next October, there will definitely be no Spookoree next year. Whether or not it comes back in 2021 depends on whether we can get a new Camp Director (we already have a new Program Director lined up) in place before November 1st. IF we can manage that AND maintain a full camp staff through volunteers, then Spookoree can continue much like it has for the past 10 years or so, along with all of the other wonderful scout programs at the Rhodes-France Scout Reservation. Fingers crossed, because the scout program there is absolutely fantastic and it would be a shame if the current programs were no longer available due to a lack of staffing. On the bright side, there are a lot of dedicated scout leaders in our area and there was a lot of discussion this morning about who would be stepping up to take the reigns so there is a good chance that we will be able to make the deadline.

[victorluvsalice]

Of course, things got slightly more dangerous when Marty and Jennifer abruptly quit their workouts to start panting and wiping away sweat -- and I looked at their moodlets and spotted the dreaded “Burning to Death” among them! Yeah, uh, turns out doing lots and lots of exercise during a hot day is probably not the best plan!

Fortunately, there was an easy solution to this -- community lot thermostat! I mean, most gyms in real life have air-conditioning, don’t they? I stuck one on the wall and had Marty cool it down, then let the pair take a break before they hopped back on the treadmills. And while that break was happening, I figured -- might as well try out the voodoo doll again, see if I get a better result! XD Hey, come on, Jennifer HAS the damn thing, she might as well use it. And it’s not like she’s doing anything bad to her husband -- today he got tickles! It’s kinda cute, in a very weird and twisted way. XD

Anyway, once Jennifer was done having her fun, I had them do a bit more running -- coached on for a bit by Alice, because of course she and Victor showed up here for a bit of working out themselves. XD My OTP is always interrupting other family’s updates, don’t you know. . . But they got a good workout in regardless, and once they showed signs of overheating a bit again, I went ahead and sent them home to cool off and shower.

Though, of course, Marty still had a track to release. I poured over that MixMaster station, carefully tweaking a tune until I finally came out with something of at least NORMAL quality. I shined it up and prepared to release it. . .aaand promptly got a message saying his label had dropped him. *grumbles* Well, screw you, then -- Marty’s going to start releasing these CDs on his own, in his own time. He’s got an actual JOB as a musician -- who needs a label?

But what about the kids this update, you ask? Well, Marlene and Douglas spent most of the day at school, as kids do (at least in Sims) -- but when they got home, I remembered that they had some school projects in their inventory! I hadn’t gotten a chance to start them the other day, what with the weenie roast, so tonight seemed like the ideal time to get them done! Couldn’t take too long, could it?

[hottytoddynews]

What does Independence Day mean to you? For most of us, the Fourth of July means barbecues, swimming, parades, fireworks and good times with friends and family. It’s also the time of the year when we hear patriotic songs and we have a good feeling about being an American. 

I remember in grade school the joke was “Does Britain have a 4th of July?” The answer was, of course, “Yes! And a 5th of July, and a 6th of July, and so on.”

Long ago my two younger brothers, my mom, dad and I would go down to the creek near our house carrying the makings for a “weenie roast.” That consisted, of course, of hotdogs, buns, both ketchup and mustard for those of us who had a hard time deciding on the right condiment, a jug of kool-aid, and marshmallows.

My dad would find a few small tree limbs, cut them into about 3-foot lengths, then with his pocket knife, he would carefully strip away the outer bark at one end of the stick. That’s where we would slip the hotdog on and hold it over the fire he had made among the rocks. While my dad gathered the limbs for cooking the hot dogs, my brothers and I would skip rocks. We went for distance and more importantly how many “skips” we got. Rarely did we ever get the hot dogs cooked to just the right temperature. They usually got pretty charred or hardly cooked at all. The marshmallows were much the same. 

These outings had little to do with food but rather were our family’s tradition of celebrating the Fourth. These outings were such simple summer holiday celebrations, yet I remember them with such fondness. Afterward, we’d set off some firecrackers and in my mind’s eye, our simple family celebration rivaled the current-day Macy’s Fourth of July fireworks display.

Many years later, my husband Tom and younger son Jeff were on a road trip out west over the Fourth of July and I was home alone thinking it would be a very blah, boring celebration for me. My older son Dennis was newly-married and I was certain that he and his new bride would ignore me opting to spend time together. So I was pleasantly surprised when they invited me to tag along to their friends’ house to enjoy beer and brats. This was such a fun afternoon, playing horseshoes, laughing and joking, and enjoying both beer and brats! 

As it started to get dark, I prepared to go home but was encouraged to stay for the fireworks. I expected some sparklers and a few low-key fireworks. Instead, my son’s friend took the gutter off the short side of his house and proceeded to launch rockets into the dark night sky. What a show! As the senior, mature “adult” of the group, I should have protested about his taking down the gutter, but instead, I enjoyed it more than anyone. I went home and tucked away yet another special Fourth of July memory with family and friends.

I mentioned patriotic songs earlier but have to share with you that there are times other than the Fourth of July when we hear patriotic songs–during war. In the fall of 1990, the United States was involved in Desert Shield/Desert Storm. It was of particular interest to me since our son Dennis was in the Army and had been deployed to Saudia Arabia as part of Desert Shield. Dennis’ specialty was NBC, Nuclear, Biological, and Chemical warfare operations. I tuned into every newscast during that difficult time hoping for good news about our troops. I wanted to know everything I could about the conflict.

My husband and I were in attendance at an early Ole Miss football game that season of 1990 and the entire half-time show was about honoring our troops and the music was all patriotic. Who can remain dry-eyed when hearing the lyrics to Lee Greenwood’s “I’m Proud to be an American?” I found myself sobbing through the entire show thinking of all the young men and women involved in the war, and most especially about my 20-year-old boy. I still tear up when I hear that song.

Lee Greenwood. Wikimedia Commons. (U.S. Air Force photo by Yoland Hunter)

I can’t imagine those days in 1776 following the American Revolution when the new United States of America was finally separated from Great Britain and undertook the task of establishing a government in a new land with a new way of life and difficult challenges. What courage it must have taken for those who were willing to stand up for what they believed!

We are still at war and the brave men and women in the military are to be commended and honored for their service. So this year I’m hopeful that we can put differences aside and take pride in being an American. I hope that we Americans never forget why we celebrate the Fourth of July and I hope that we each take a minute to reflect on what Independence Day means to us individually, and as a nation.

Happy Fourth of July!

By Bonnie Brown 

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