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imma-talk-back · 4 years

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Yesterday, I was called a Nigger. Within mere minutes of being in my favorite store, it happened. Without warning, a gentleman bisected my path and seemingly reflexively blurted it out. It was if the word had a life of its own and was pushing forth from his mouth at a full sprint. I say this not to emphasize the innocence of the man, but to shed light on the immense power of that word.

Yeah... I thought that’d get your attention.

Frankly, I’ve always been one to prefer Target to Walmart. I appreciate the structure and organization of the store, and though I am a person who thrives in areas of “organized chaos”, I’m afraid, I find Walmart to be a little too chaotic for my liking. As someone who suffers from The Big Bad Beast that is Anxiety, I experience a visceral uneasiness in certain environments, but generally speaking Target is one of few places I nearly always feel safe in. There are of course the antsy customers who brush past me on occasion or ride my tail too closely in the checkout, but for the most part, to me, Target represents the epitome of comfortable shopping experiences. It’s almost as if the structure demands it’s patrons to be on their best behavior. Unfortunately, not everyone heed these demands...

Please allow me to begin by laying the ground work; let me explain just how much effort I put into a simple trip to the market. You see, one of the many awful things about this lovely condition that is Anxiety is that it has the potential to make even the most mundane tasks feel insurmountable. A quick errand run the average person puts little thought into, can for someone like me, be a delicate tightrope walk; from the moment I leave the safety of my car and began my trek though the aimless herds of self-focused patrons, to the exact position of my body in accordance to yours, while in line. I see you in a straight line, but I take several steps to the right or left, creating a meticulously crafted triangle between you and the person in front of me; all with the intention to grant me just a bit more security. You see, I’ve been socially distancing since before COVID made it cool.

Well, it’s about time I get to the point, isn’t it? So, here goes...

So here I am.. and on top of dealing with my typical feelings of sporadic and unannounced paralyzing panic that may rise at any moment during my routine errand, whilst in the midst of none other than The Zombie Apocalypse that is 2020, I am the victim of an unprovoked physical attack in on of my few “safe” public spaces. Notice, I consider this a physical attack, because of slew of negative bio-mechanical implications it presented me with, after all the word Nigger cannot be compared to that of Bitch, or Asshole. No, when spat with the right amount of hatred, the word surge through your veins like a poison.

Thus, I instinctively stopped dead in my tracks and felt the heat of pain and rage radiate through my body. I shook my head, dropped my gaze, and took several steps forward before stopping. Rather than metaphorically quietly quivering in the corner, I decided to act.

I turned around, sought out an employee, mustered up all the poise I could find, and collectedly said something along the lines of: “Hi, I just walked into the store, and within moments upon entering, a gentleman wearing a white blazer called me a Nigger. I would very much like for him to be escorted out of the store”. It was important that I used the full word to convey the level of discomfort I felt in having it thrown at me. Perhaps that did the trick because the woman responded with a look of genuine shock, without hesitation confirmed the direction the man was walking towards, and urgently called for security. I said my peace and entrusted my safety in the store to the woman’s follow-through.

It wasn’t the first time and I knew it wouldn’t be the last. I tried my best to continue on my journey as if he “hadn’t gotten to me”, but he had, I rush through the store, in search of whatever had prompted me to enter. I can’t for the life of me remember, I imagine because I moved through the store in what can only be likened to a fear-induced haze. I walked through the isles wondering if the gentleman would return and found myself looking at every Black passer-by, wondering if they had, or would soon experience the same.

I power walked through the store with a combination of sorrow, profound fear, inexplicable anger, and incredible gratitude. It instantly pained my heart to hear that a complete stranger could have so much hate in their’s for me, it still does. Although I don’t imagine the N-word is typically equated with fear for non-Black people, for someone like me, it can be terrifying. Despite the ever-so-obvious gravitas of that word, I know it hardly represents the tip of the iceberg of the hatred that lies below the surface. As such, I feared retaliation from the moment I reported the gentleman, throughout the store, to my stop at the gym where I went through my daily workout routine, to the moment I drove home, parked my car, and double-checked the locks to all the doors at my house.

Though this wasn’t the first time I’ve experienced this sort of overt display of hatred in a public setting, it was without a doubt, the first time I have ever felt seen enough to report it. The death of George Floyd exposed just how serious the issue of racial injustice in this country is, and made it unmistakably clear just how prevalent, not to mention perilous it is. After 34 years of just taking it, and doing everything in my power to “not let it get to me” or knowing “it’s just the way it is”, I finally feel seen enough to say; look this just happened, and you have the power to make it so this isn’t just how it is.

You see prior to May 25, 2020, we could all live with a degree of ignorance in the matter; you could deny my life was actually different because of my skin tone and I could feign my perception of equality, but that shield has been lifted. We have awakened from our socio-normative unconsciousness... That was deep, I know, but rather or not we choose to stay woke is up to us. The US needs a reckoning, regardless of if recent demands for equality stemming from the death of Mr. Floyd, Ms. Taylor, and Mr. Arbery can transition this moment into a movement, I am here to remind you of its importance. You see, I was Black before you ever heard of those names and will continue to be such even when they began to fade from your memory. I am here to remind you just how vital that demand for equality is.

The fact of the matter is that the woman who essentially “came to my rescue” by respecting the seriousness of the matter was in shock not only the verbal brutality spewed, but also in part I imagine from simply awakening the reality that such an incident actually happened. This brings me to my anger... you see I am beyond grateful for the fact that I can finally stand up for myself and declare something like this has happened and be taken seriously, but I am equally as enraged that in order to be taken as such, the entire world had to witness a man be crushed to death. It goes without saying that, the level of enlightenment that the entire non POC (people of color) world is having right now is just as appreciated as it is enraging.

On a final note, I want to draw your attention to the fact that I referred to the man who accosted me, as a gentleman. There is certainly two contributing factors to consider in this; one I was simply raised right- with manners and respect for everyone, and I knew this man couldn’t have been in his right mind, and two, I knew the importance of remaining composed in even the most daring of times, to counter the very real likelihood of simply being written off as an Angry Black Woman. Think about that... even in an assault, I must maintain my composure, because society says an emotional Black woman is an Angry Black woman, society doesn’t question her countless motives for said anger; no, it merely writes her off.

Well... let this first blog entry be a testament to my Eloquent Black Rage--sitting posed, with perfect posture, well read, well spoken, highly educated in fact... with well manicured fingernails and an accented middle finger nodding to a less than subtle, “fuck you”.

In close, I hope in writing this I have helped to explain the depth of feelings that stem from such a verbal attack, the long term impact it has, and that I have drawn your attention to just how often injustice occurs even when they are not spoken of or otherwise exposed.

This is my very first Blog-entry, it originally started out as a wordy Facebook post, but decided I needed a more appropriate venue for my voice. I sincerely thank you for reading and hope you continue to peek into my mind from time to time. Congratulations, you’ve earned 10 Friend Points and good karma!

#blm

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lesboinspace · 5 years

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PKMN Villains Zine Fic: The Aether Foundation

This was written for @pkmnvillainszine !! Digital copies of it may go on sale again if there’s enough interest~ I loved being able to write about Lusamine, she’s one of my favorite characters! Her past is hinted at in the game so I did my best to add to it :D I do feel that this is important to note: no one’s past is an acceptable reason for abusing someone else, and in no way am I saying that!! I just think Lusamine is a really complex character that we didn’t get enough focus on, thus this was born c:

Beautiful Disaster

Word Count: 2,583

Rating: T

Summary: Lusamine is an abusive mother, her heart black and mind rabid with dangerous dreams of destiny. However, she wasn’t always so void of morals; quite the opposite, in fact. It takes quite a traumatic past to corrupt an angel into her sinister counterpart. [A Lusamine-centric overview of her history as well as the Aether Foundation’s]

Lusamine’s heart was, once upon a time, one of overflowing love. Her gentle soul was angelic, admirable, just bursting with kindness as it sought hurt to heal.

She was renowned for her remarkable compassion, it being deemed her most defining and enticing trait. This unparalleled kindness led to swarms of adorers, treasuring her and the calming aura she carried with each soft step against the earth.

She was treated like a saint by strangers; a mere conversation would be enough to fall under her coaxing spell. Of course, Lusamine had also been blessed with a youthful exterior.

Her lithe physique, long locks of golden sunshine, and glowing green eyes may have intrigued passerbys, but it was Lusamine’s pure heart that caused many to revere her. It’s why Mohn married her.

Despite her perceived perfection, too beautiful to be of this world and a compassion rivaled by none, there was yet another factor that made Lusamine beyond mortals’ comprehension.

Lusamine had a brilliant, curious brain. She’d eye a problem, an equation, a mystery, and with ease, the answer would come together like puzzle pieces.

However, her vast Intelligence was often omitted, made irrelevant by her exceptional beauty and caring disposition. Of course, Lusamine’s logic was respected in her work environment, given its scientific purpose.

Even so, as Lusamine contributed to breakthroughs for the good of all Pokemon, compassion was viewed as the main driving force by those around her, all while bearing the form of a gorgeous young lady.

It didn’t matter that her brain functioned like that of a machine. Rather, the attention was, as usual, on the fantastic results of such endeavors: All the time, all the effort, was chalked up to Lusamine’s caring nature instead of her wondrous intellectual mind.

To many, Lusamine wasn’t even human, too above such a dull title and abysmal fate. She was spawned from the sky, an angel among men who’d abandoned the glorious heavens to be marveled at as she aided those in need. A wingless deity with a pure soul, not to mention the IQ surpassing the common genius…

Then her children were born, and everything changed. None of those things that marked Lusamine as heavenly mattered anymore. Only her babies mattered.

Those first moments of existence for Gladion and Lillie, the shallow breaths as their children entered the world and the cries that followed, set the stage for the future. When Lusamine held her perfect children close as Mohn caressed her shoulders, reality froze.

An unforeseen flash captured the family in a still frame. The picture hung in the forefront of Lusamine’s mind, framed and isolated. That day, she sought to claim this bliss for eternity, expanding the feeling of absolute joy across her timeline.

Life was perfect, too perfect to let subside. A certainty cemented itself in Lusamine’s essence: she would enjoy this perfection every day until she dies, still bearing a smile.

After experiencing the utmost level of happiness, Lusamine wasn’t going to let it go so easily.

Perfection was tasted, and she refused to spoil her tongue with anything else. They were a family, so beautiful in their completion. Everything was as it should be. Lusamine didn’t expect it all to be finite.

While studying Ultra Wormholes, Mohn was ripped from his dimension right in front of her. An experiment had erupted into chaos as Lusamine tried with all her strength to pull her husband away, but it was futile. She’d managed to ground herself behind a sturdy column.

Mohn had been less reactive, mesmerized by the wormhole while Lusamine had immediately fled. By the time her husband ran, Lusamine could barely grip his hand before he was sucked into the unknown, forever lost, forever out of reach.

When the wormhole vanished, Lusamine screeched as she fell to her knees, calling for her husband over and over until it sounded like anything but a name. The love of her life was gone in an instant, their children left without a father. They founded the Aether Foundation together, yet the work Mohn had dedicated himself to betrayed him. It wasn’t fair.

This was all that ran through Lusamine’s broken mind when she screamed and pounded on the floor. Wicke and Faba had burst in to find her beating the tile until her hands were bloody. Neither of them could ever erase their boss’s shattered voice from memory.

They’d tried to lift her from the floor so she’d stop harming herself, but Lusamine refused to be moved. Each time Faba and Wicke pulled her up, Lusamine crumbled back down. Eventually, they dropped to either side of Lusamine, stroking her back and waiting for her to explain what had occurred.

The two employees, though very different, met each other’s gaze with the same look of concern as they comforted their sobbing, shaking superior. They were so caught up in Lusamine’s meltdown that they failed to realize that their other boss was nowhere to be found.

The wings of a grounded angel cascaded one by one, abandoning the once seemingly perfect being. Lusamine was crumbling, cracking and crying until her wings were eventually ripped from her back.

She snapped, stripped of all that made her desirable. While her pretty face remained intact, her interior was corrupted. She was still beautiful to the eye but her soul was made ugly, twisted and distorted to the point of obscurity.

Most abandoned her, just as she abandoned kind motives. Ripping it out, taking a bite then stomping on it, Lusamine discarded her broken heart, blackened and useless and slowing her down.

The few who stood by Lusamine were employees, and most feared her. Those with any power within Lusamine’s ranks respected her for the panic she instilled in others, as if she did so by reaching into one’s chest and applying the pressure directly onto their heart.

Faba was one of those who idolized her. The Branch Director had always hungered for authority, and Lusamine was ripe with it from the start. Before, she ruled through inspiration, which is admirable in its own way, but Lusamine’s shift to an iron fist left Faba with no complaints.

How could he mind it? After all, Faba may be sneaky and influential when need be, but such magnificent brute strength was quite a sight to behold. He respected Lusamine before because he had to, given his position underneath her.

Then, like how most had been before her change, Faba was drawn to Lusamine like a marveled moth knowing flying into an unsympathetic flame. Lusamine didn’t simply fall apart when her husband was snatched from her grasp despite how easy it would’ve been.

No, Lusamine toughened up and got to work, doing whatever she could to get him back while crushing those that dared to slow her down. That’s the type of person Faba can proudly state his allegiance to, unlike the soft-hearted pushover Lusamine had once been.

On the other hand, Wicke was one of the few who was neither terrorized or in awe of Lusamine. Wicke attempted to replicate her boss’ once tranquil presence. Sure, the atmosphere she paraded around each floor of the foundation was warm and healing and gentle.

Wicke may have been a descendant of fae at most, her marvelous qualities stemming from mythical origins, but Lusamine was a goddamn angel. At least, she had been an angel, once.

Regardless, Wicke could never compare to the deity among men Lusamine had been, and in a way still is. Her soul was tainted, yes, painted black by bitterness and despair. While no longer a heart of heaven, a demon is still deserving of awe when compared to the mediocrity that is mankind.

All in all, she didn’t let herself latch onto what anyone else thought of her anymore: she didn’t need their opinions to get her husband back. Mohn needed her objective and alert; anything else was unnecessary. Nevertheless, a low growl always toppled out Lusamine’s lips when she spotted Wicke offering someone a hug, advice, or a shoulder to cry on.

Lusamine may’ve left all that behind, but seeing someone essentially replace you isn’t the greatest feeling. Not to mention when that replacement is less than subpar, though it’s not fair to Wicke to say so. After all, there’s no comparison between a queen and a goddess.

Lusamine thought, at the very least, she’d have Gladion and Lillie. Her sweet, obedient children would comfort her, praise and admire her as she spent every waking minute on saving Mohn.

They were supposed to keep her somewhat sane, grounded enough to focus. Instead, they betrayed her as well, tossing Lusamine aside when her halo shattered, the pieces contorting into horns. Thorns sprouted out of her stem, pricking those who once found peace in her embrace.

Fine, Lusamine didn’t need them. She didn’t need anybody! Her studies of the Ultra Beasts and their wormholes were finally bearing fruit after about a decade. One way or another, Lusamine’s quest to locate Mohn would soon come to an end.

Returning to consciousness, the scientist cracks her eyes open. She immediately regrets it. Not only is the sight of anything but blackness agonizing, but the room is drenched in absolute white.

The overbearing amount of it blinds Lusamine, and she groans through the oncoming pain thundering in her skull. Squeezing her eyes shut for half a minute, she tries again, though with more caution. At least she’s prepared for the searing sensation that’s to come.

Lusamine anticipates the unavoidable pain from her brilliant environment, but she’s an intellectual. The throbbing need to know the details of her situation outweighs the desire to fall back into a kinder, oblivious unconsciousness.

Her curiosity burns much as her assaulted irises. She gnaws on her lip through the pain as Lusamine attempts to raise her eyelids further bit by bit.

Fingers claw at the material beneath them. Thin cloth curls under her intense grip, though the odd texture peeks her already raging curiosity. Uncurling her fingers, Lusamine runs her hand over the fabric.

Gritting her teeth, she lowers her gaze away from what’s directly in front of her to the bed. It’s a specific type, one that Lusamine hasn’t experienced since…

Since childbirth. Lusamine manages to open her eyes fully, brow furrowed as she gapes at the hospital bed. She can’t help the immediate disdain that sours her mouth when she spots her hideous paper bag of a gown. Why…is she here? What happened to her?

Lusamine’s unforgiving headache punishes her soon as she tries to recall any recent memories. Using any extra brain power isn’t worth the agony, so she returns to her original quest: analyze her surroundings.

The bed and thin, teal gown give away where she is, but she’s desperate for more information when left with so little outside of that. Peeping from under her eyelashes, Lusamine notes the expected: white sheets, white walls, white furniture.

The room is pure as her angel wings had once been. Although, the white of the room portrays anything but purity. It’s more of a lack of color, devoid of passion, joy, and life itself.

Dull and soul-sucking and somehow so bleak in its blankness. Lusamine’s weakened state has made her even paler, almost ghost like as she blends into the monotonous background.

At the same time it’s bright, scorching Lusamine’s eyes, existing as the opposite of oblivion. It empowers the hammering within her head to stare anywhere and at anything in the room.

The paint gleams as rays of the sun exacerbate its shine, protruding through a window that consists of almost the entire back wall. Lusamine can barely take it any longer, eyes watering as they cry out for her to show them mercy by shutting them, but she doesn’t.

The tears streaming down her face don’t stop her. Her blurred vision manages to pick up the IV embedded in her left arm, and the outlines of contrasting items on the bedside table to her right. The shapes become more clear after Lusamine sets her gaze on the stark objects, willing her mind to settle and focus.

Several more seconds allow her to make out the assortment of flowers, stuffed Pokemon and cards piled atop the small table. Leaning towards them, Lusamine finds that a few have even fallen onto the ivory tiles due to the little space and the sheer amount of trinkets awaiting her upon waking.

Her stare is blank as she reaches for a toy Teddiursa. Lusamine drops it onto her lap, gaze flickering up and down the one of many similar get well gifts.

Get well from what, Lusamine wonders, though a sharp pain in her skull cuts off that thought train. She clutches the soft, eternally smiling bear tighter and tighter like a lifeline. Fingers threaten to strangle it, grip demanding answers that she’s unable to ponder on her own.

Propping it beside her, Lusamine ignores the few other knick knacks on the floor and grabs one of the cards off the countertop. An elementary poem about the strength behind recovery is printed inside, along with the names of several Aether Foundation employees on every inch.

They’re not many in the mess that she recognizes, but there’s enough that she realizes that these are the lowest ranking peoples in the branch. So they couldn’t even bother to buy separate cards…

Lusamine snatches another from the table, finding a similar set of stanzas inside. Although, unlike the previous card, this one is less than twenty signatures. Faba’s cursive and Wicke’s blocky handwriting with a heart instead of a dot on the ‘i’ are found underneath the printed text.

She doesn’t spare it a second glance as she grabs one more card. Her eyes are dull, unsuspecting when Lusamine opens it, doing so just to pass the time and sate her incensed curiosity.

What Lusamine finds wracks her already disheveled mind. A sharp inhale burns her dry throat. Inside is a polaroid picture of Lillie and Gladion smiling shoulder to shoulder, along with sweet messages and their signatures underneath.

It all comes crashing back into her in a single wave. Memories of the Ultra Beasts, being merged with one, Lillie’s distraught expression as she begged her mother to stop. Somehow, what sticks out most of all is her daughter’s defiance, the determination behind her hardened green eyes, her mother’s matching eyes.

Lusamine drags a hand across her face, tears forming again. Despite the rivers flowing down her cheeks, Lusamine can’t pinpoint why she’s suddenly so overwhelmed. Grief over what she’d become and the people she pushed away in the process.

Shame from letting herself be blinded by her search for Mohn that she disregarded the legacy they shared as husband and wife, their precious children. Longing to embrace her babies, knowing how much they’ve suffered.

Lusamine lost her husband, but because of her distorted desperation to be reunited with him, Lillie and Gladion lost both their parents.

They seem to have forgiven her last Lusamine can remember. However, being able to forgive herself is a whole other venture.

What wonderful children they’ve become without her. They’re kind enough to give a monster like Lusamine a second chance even when she believes herself beyond redemption.

“When did you both become so beautiful?”

Maybe if Lillie and Gladion see something worth saving in Lusamine, it just might be plausible. With a small smile, she raises the picture to her lips, kissing both of her babies’ static foreheads.

“Maybe I can be beautiful again…”

#pokemon #zine #lillie pokemon #gladion #lusamine #pkmn #pokemon wicke #faba pokemon #aether foundation #zine piece

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pandoralillith · 6 years

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Winter Lily - Birthday Dance

“Every year on your birthday, you get the chance to start anew”

Title: Birthday Dance Series: Winter Lily Characters: Bucky Barnes, OC Type: Fluff, slight angst A/N: I have been toying with the idea of a mutant/halfling character that I wanted to fit into the MCU universe and possibly create a love interest for Bucky with. This scenario had been plaguing my mind for forever so I decided to write this down. I suppose this would make more sense once I have the origin story written out so it’s clear who Lillith/Pandora is and how she exactly fits into the grand scheme of things. At this moment in time, this “drabble” chapter doesn’t fit in any specific moment of the original timeline, it might be rewritten in the future. Hopefully, you’ll still enjoy this story for what it is right now, feel free to leave your comments or tips if you have any.

At this time, Lillith/Pandora’s confirmed powers are Illusion Manipulation and Erebokinesis, but this might change later.

The glass windows were vibrating to the beat of the music blasting out of the stereo systems, surely they would have shattered if they weren’t build to avoid breaking upon impact after the many, many attacks on the Avengers tower in the heart of New York. The only thing louder than the volume of the music had to be the chattering and laughter of the people who entertained themselves at the party that night. One thing was sure, Tony Stark knew how to throw a party.

Lillith couldn’t remember the last time she actually celebrated her birthday. If she ever celebrated her birthday in the first place. She had been in the hands of HYDRA from a very young age, the organization treated happiness and love like it was some sort of plague and would make it their mission to break you down completely and beat out every bit of happiness out of existence. It was forbidden, in the eyes of HYDRA, there could only be pain and torture. And if her birthdate hadn’t been written down in her project file, she probably wouldn’t even have known that today was her twenty-sixth birthday.

She didn’t want to make a fuss about it, she didn’t hold any value to birthdays seeing as she never had the experience and thus held no meaning. But to her dismay, Natasha made it a point to mention her birthday coming up in casual conversation which gave Tony an excellent excuse to host another Stark-worthy bash, and before she could even protest, the invited had already been sent out.

Most of the guests were no strangers to the Avengers hideout in the first place, the entire team was present, including Thor who stuck around after their last mission to retrieve a stolen artifact from the ‘days of yore’, T’Challa and Shuri who had just returned from Wakanda to supply the team with weapons and uniforms made from Vibranium which Shuri had been working on after analysing what each member needed to enhance their abilities, and surprisingly even Bucky who Steve practically had to drag out of hiding stating that relaxing and having some fun would do him some good.

Then there were the people whom she didn’t recognize, some of them were former S.H.I.E.L.D. agents as Natasha had informed her, others were people Tony just knew and had invited because - well, Tony likes to throw big parties with loads of people around so he could boast about anything and everything.

The entire night, Lillith decided to stick around the people she knew and felt comfortable with. Mostly Wanda - who felt as much as a fish out of the water as she did - or Natasha, striking up casual conversations with Shuri and ignoring Tony’s overly excited cheers whenever she was in the neighborhood. As much as she appreciated his attempts at making her feel special on this day, she felt awkward being the center of attention. It didn’t help that Natasha and Pepper had convinced her into a beaded and lace halter top dress, the top snug fitting black with a flowing white and tulle skirt attached to it. If it were up to her she probably would have shown up in comfortable jeans or sweats and a simple shirt. But seeing as this was a party - and she was the center of said party - she had to dress up.

After losing her friends in the crowd, Lillith made her retreat to the side of the room, a familiar figure catching her eye on the balcony. Sliding through the dancing and drinking guests, she made her way to the slide doors and was immediately greeted with the soft, cool evening breeze pushing her curled mahogany locks. Another good thing about those shatter-proof windows was the fact that they contained most of the sound from inside the party, which made the balcony a perfect refuge for people searching a bit of peace and quiet.

“Well, well, well, Mister Barnes,” She spoke as she slowly approached the brooding man with arms crossed, as he slowly turned his head back to glance upon hearing his name. A playful smile danced on her lips. “Who knew you would clean up so nicely.”

A soft, amused chuckle rolled down his throat as he smiled back at her. “Look who’s talking, doll.” He teased back, letting his orbs of blue trace over her appearance for a moment as she looked about as awkward as he felt in her new outfit. “Nice dress.”

“Admittedly not my style, but I guess I pull off the girly look-” A soft giggle danced along her words as she ran one of her hands over the fabric of the skirt. She stopped next to him and leaned forward against the cool metal bars of the balustrade as her gaze traveled to the city lights below.

“So how do you feel, birthday gal?” He turned his gaze back to the view himself, enjoying the silence compared to the craziness from inside. Parties were a lot different nowadays than what he had been used to, both in terms of music, clothes, and activities. It was a lot to take in, not necessarily in a bad way. It was just different.

“Not much different than usual, really...” She grinned thoughtfully before glancing his way with a mischievous look in her eyes. “I couldn’t possibly say I feel old in the presence of two dinosaurs and an ancient God, right?” She couldn’t help but snicker at the reaction the super soldier gave her, his eyebrows raised almost in a sense of surprise as he placed his hand on his chest to feign insult.

“Low blow, doll,” He gasped playfully, though she could tell by the look in his eyes that he was just as much amused as she was. “Has no one ever told you to respect your elders?” She couldn’t suppress the laughter she was holding and broke down in a fit, shaking her head at his comment. Bucky watched her with a widened smile, almost fascinated at how cheerful and amused the young woman was at their playful banter.

He had gotten used to her sarcastic comments over the period of time they knew each other and worked together. But he had never seen the young girl genuinely smile or hear her laugh so carelessly as she did at the moment, which was a good thing. The two of them came from similar situations - both ripped out of their own environment, captured, tortured and abused by the hands of HYDRA. Both with just one mission implanted in their brains and both fearing to feel so much as a sliver of positivity or hope since those emotions were punishable by such intense torture, you’d wish you were dead instead. Seeing her genuinely happy was a nice change of pace and actually granted him with the same sense of happiness just by watching her.

“So tell me,” She continued after calming down from her laughing fit, the smile never leaving her lips. “Are you just standing out here by yourself because being mysterious, dark and brooding is your schtick?” Arching a brow curiously, she rested her emerald gaze on his facial features, he still had his scruff which she assumed was just part of his aesthetic at this point, there were a still a couple of faint scars visible on his face, but he seemed a lot less tense than she was used to seeing.

“It’s not my kind of party,” He casually shrugged it off. After all the things he had been through, all the rush and stress and violence and chaos, he had learned to enjoy and admire those precious moments of silence. He also wasn’t exactly a fan of Tony’s ego-fest which this party turned into.

“Mine neither...” She hummed thoughtfully in agreement, a soft sigh escaping her lips as she turned back to the view in front of her. “I always thought birthdays would include cake and balloons and presents-- this is just loud music and alcohol...” Scrunching her nose at her own words, a sad chuckle rolled down her throat at the depressing thought that people her age were living for those kinds of parties, hangover was their middle name. She enjoyed music and a drink from time to time, but she couldn’t imagine herself wasting all her free time living that kind of life. “How obvious is my lack of childhood?”

“Cheer up doll, cake and balloons are overrated, anyway,” Bucky replied, glancing down at the young woman’s facial expression with a melancholy smile. Collectively, both of them had been in captivity for about the same time if you only counted the years he was out of cryo-state and doing their bidding as the Winter Soldier. But he had been in his twenties when the whole deal started, while she had spent her life under their grasp. “But who said anything about no presents?”

As she rested her head on her arms in slight defeat, still leaning against the balustrade, she once more turned her gaze to the taller and muscular man next to her. Her eyebrow quirked up at the constant sound of the way he addressed her as doll, something she knew was a sweet nickname back in the ‘40s and she had to admit it had a fun ring to it. “What? Are you going to tie a bow around your head and sing me a birthday song?”

The man chuckled, shaking his head in reply as he let his left hand slide into his pocket, “You didn’t hear it from me, I overheard Steve talking about a gift they prepared at the end of the night but--” He paused for a moment, pulling out a small little box that was neatly wrapped with a little blue ribbon which he held out towards her. She perked up at the sight of the little box, staring at it with big emerald orbs filled with curiosity. “Maybe this can keep your spirit up for the time being.”

She accepted the box with both arms, still staring down feeling almost speechless. She hadn’t expected any gifts from anyone, but she had to admit that Bucky was one of the last people she would have expected anything from. Not that he seemed like an unkind person, since teaming up with the former assassin and getting to know him personally, as well as listening to Steve’s stories of back in the day, he seemed like a kindhearted man with the typical Brooklyn charm and guts. No doubt he had the personality and the manners to woo any young woman, but something as trivial as a teammate’s birthday was something she didn’t expect him to consider nor would she have been upset if he hadn’t.

“I gave you more than just a box, ya know!” He grinned, tapping his metal index finger onto the top of the box as she continued staring at it, speechless. “Open it.”

She nodded silently, carefully unwrapping the bow and taking off the lid to reveal a stunning and elegantly small silver chain necklace, to which a charm was attached. It was a simple silver crescent moon from which a star-shaped jewel was dangling down, the gem itself had an interesting colorful shine; a gradient of black, blue, pink and purple, it almost looked like a mini-universe. “Wow… Bucky...”

“I read about something called the Pandora’s Cluster and all the telescope pictures showed a pattern of those colors…” He tried to explain the odd colored gem that decorated the charm, he actually did his research on her alias and the first thing he came across was Abell 2744, also known as the Pandora’s Cluster. There were several pictures of the galaxy with an array of colors but the most prominent was the mix of black, blue and pink that came together in almost a shade of purple. He came across a small shop that custom-made jewelry and eventually found a charm that would work well with the theme he was going for, something that truly reminded him for her for as long as he had known her. He didn’t even know why he was putting so much effort and attention into the gift, he just felt like he had to for some reason. “Almost like a natural beauty that shines through all the chaos...”

“It’s beautiful, I don’t know what else to say...” She almost whispered, a strange wave of emotions washing over her as she continued to look at the piece of jewelry in her hands. She had never been gifted anything, much less anything as thoughtful and meaningful as this necklace. Her emerald orbs lifted to meet his gaze, a gentle smile pulling at the corners of her lips. “Will you help me put it on?”

“Sure thing, doll...” He nodded, taking the box back from her and lifting the silver necklace out as she turned around and brushed her hair aside. She caught herself smiling as she felt the cool silver charm touch her skin, waiting for him to clip the necklace before turning around.

Gently touching the charm with her fingers, she looked up at the taller super soldier and flashed him a wide smile. “Thank you, Bucky, I love it.”

“Not a bad pick for a brooding dinosaur, right?” He tossed in with a cheeky grin, giving the smaller female a playful nudge as he did.

“Who knew the Winter Soldier could be so sentimental?” She grinned, playing with the necklace in her hands as she leaned against the balustrade once more and released a long and content sigh. “So what did parties look like in your day?”

“Not that much different,” He shrugged thoughtfully as he tried to reminisce. “Everything that comes to mind when you think of the 1940’s, I suppose.” The way parties were hosted and attended didn’t much differ from the way they were now in the sense that all that was hip and happening would take place. The alcohol was different and not consumed as an activity but rather just added to the sociability. The clothes were more modest and people who wanted to show off wore their army uniforms decorated with medals and other rewards. The term class would definitely come to mind. It would be a cliché to say times were easier and more modest, but they were.

Lillith watched his expression change from amused to rather pensive and hesitated for a moment before daring to ask. “Do you miss it?”

“I mean, of course, I do...” He answered honestly, looking at her with a melancholy smile. As much as he was getting used to the world he woke up in and was basically forced to live in, he did miss home. His Brooklyn, his friends, his life when it was so much simpler, back when he wasn’t known as the Winter Soldier. He was glad that he had Steve by his side at least, his best friend with whom he shared the same experience of feeling lost in a world years beyond his time, his last reminder of the person he used to be. “But it’s useless to stay stuck on the past. I know I can’t go back so I just have to focus on a new life.”

There was a bittersweet truth about his words. There was no way to go back in time, much less change the past for their own sake. Lillith understood this, the lives they were living today were the result of the past, and for better or for worse they had to deal with the hand they were given. But that didn’t mean they couldn’t reminisce once in a while.

“Bucky… ” She finally spoke up, her gaze fixated on the stars above them. He looked up at her with a curious expression as she continued. “Do you trust me?”

“Do I--?” His darkened eyebrows knitted in a frown, not really understanding why trust suddenly became an issue or a part of their mindless conversation. “What do you mean?”

“Did I stutter?” She couldn’t help but sass him, turning her attention to the frowning man, her lips curling into a coy smile as she waited for his answer. Rolling her eyes slightly impatiently as he hesitated with his answer, she reached out and grabbed his arm, tugging him along. “Just come with me.”

Bucky still wasn’t quite sure what she meant when she questioned his trust, but reluctantly followed after her as she dragged him back inside. But instead of joining the other partygoers, they continued to the elevator and got inside. Without explaining her plans, Lillith told Friday to take them to the roof to which she obediently complied. She was humming a peaceful tune as the elevator took them to the top floor in no time and pulled Bucky with her as she walked out to the quiet and empty rooftop of the building. You could hardly hear the music from a few floors below them, the clearest sound was that of the wind softly pushing past them as it traveled through the clear dark sky.

Lillith let go of his hand and took a few steps forward, taking in a long, deep breath before turning around to look at him. “Don’t think too much… Do you trust me?”

Trust in his line of work - and with his history - was definitely a sensitive subject. He never knew who he could and couldn’t trust, betrayal was lurking behind every corner. The only person he blindly trusted was Steve because they shared the promise to stick by each other until the end of the line. He had grown comfortable around some of Steve’s friends, maybe because he found himself relating to the young woman so his gut feeling answered. “I suppose I have no reason not to, do I?”

“Good enough!” She grinned, somewhat content with that answer as she approached him again. Staring up at the taller male, he could see a playfulness in her eyes. “Close your eyes.”

“Why?”

“You said you trusted me, didn’t you?”

“Technically, I said I had no reason not to trust you… ” He corrected her matter of factly, though his words danced on a teasing tone, watching as her brows knitted in a slightly annoyed frown. “Calm down doll, I’m just playing with you.” She playfully hit his shoulder in as he let out a soft, rumbling chuckle before closing his eyes to comply.

“Now relax…” She hummed softly, raising her hands up as black swirls started to dance around fingers. His expression tensed slightly and she could tell he was ready to open his eyes but she continued. “Think back to the 1940’s, imagine being at a party...” He wanted to ask why but she merely hushed him, closing her own eyes as he channeled her powers into his mind at a slow and careful pace, falling into his memory as she felt his mind drifting away.

Bucky wasn’t sure what she was planning but intended on giving her the benefit of the doubt. He could feel soft stings entering his brain, almost like a tickling sensation which he almost immediately linked to her using her powers, considering how close she stood to him. He was very wary of people messing with his mind or memories after the trauma he went through as HYDRA wiped him after every mission. But again, for some reason, his gut trusted her enough to watch what happened. Thus, as she asked him to think back to one of the parties of his time. The last time he remembered was the celebration of Steve’s heroic deed as Captain America, but it was a good example of a great party and he remembered how elated and relaxed he had felt back then. A sense of nostalgia washed over his senses as he could almost vividly picture the decorations of the venue, the sound of the music ringing through his ears as a familiar scent of perfume and cigars ran through his nostrils. It was almost like he was back.

“Lillith?” He finally spoke up after what felt like a good few minutes in silence, deciding to open his eyes to see what kind of prank he had gotten himself into by blindly following her lead.

He had expected to see her standing in front of him on the rooftop of the Avengers building, but instead, he found himself in the exact venue he had just been imagining. Decorations that were very clearly from the 40’s, the familiar scent of perfume and cigars, the hustle and bustle of the people who came to party, dressed in their best outfits. The sound of jazz trumpets filling the room. It was so vivid, so real, Bucky had no idea what was going on. Glancing down at himself, his outfit was replaced by his own army uniform he remembered wearing at that particular event, complete with medals. The only thing that hadn’t changed was the length of his hair, those it was slicked back into a bun instead.

“Look at you, Mr. Barnes,” A familiar voice mused behind him, his gaze snapping around to the familiar young woman who had approached him with a sly smile on her lips. He had to blink twice to realize it was Lillith, fittingly dressed in a marine blue halter top cocktail dress as most women wore during that period of time, her hair fluffed and curled aside. She looked like she stepped right out of the era. “Looking pretty fly for an old guy.”

“How did you do this?” Bucky genuinely wondered, his eyes once more traveling around the room. It was all so real, too real like nothing had ever happened. “Is this... Is this real?”

“As real as your memory can make it,” She stepped closer to him, almost proud of what she had accomplished. While Wanda was able to alter people’s minds or give them vivid visions, Lillith was able to recreate memories and make them come to life based on how well her target focused on it. It was one of the things that had to be completely voluntarily for it to succeed and even then was a risky task. She only accomplished such a feat a few times, all of which under the influence of her captors. But never had she managed to create a situation so vividly as she had now, maybe because Bucky was almost longing for this memory. “You may not be able to go back permanently, but at least I can help you go back and enjoy yourself for a moment.”

“You are truly amazing, you know that?” His lips parted in the most genuinely happy smile she had ever seen, not a hint of sadness or awkwardness in his eyes. She could truly see how relieved he felt being able to relive a moment in time where he felt at home and she was thankful that she was able to give him that.

“Tell me about it, sugar,” He quirked a brow at her nickname, a playful grin tugging at the sides of his lips as she merely laughed at his reaction. “It was either that or sweet cheeks.”

“Sugar works fine,” Another amused chuckle rolled down his throat, truly enjoying this playfulness between them and the fact that she seemed to fully emerge herself in his era, as he held up his hand in offering. “Care to join me for a dance?”

Lillith glanced down at the hand he held out to her, noting that both of his hands were still made of flesh. It somehow surprised her that he was still able to picture himself in this setting without his hand, but it made sense since his memory took place long before he lost his arm and disappeared.

It wasn’t until he followed her gaze that Bucky figured that the Vibranium arm had disappeared as if he never lost it in the first place. He stared at his left hand, almost admiring it in a sense, before she drew his attention back as she placed her hand in his. The touch of her skin on his felt so surreal, something he had not felt for a very long time and had almost forgotten while her soft touch tickled his own. He met her emerald stare and subconsciously mimicked her soft smile. “I thought you’d never ask.”

Lillith was surprised how much of - what she assumed was - the real Bucky shone through as he lead her onto the dance floor. The way his blue orbs almost seemed to bury through her own emerald gaze and into her soul, his face carrying a soft yet crooked smile that showcased part of his charm. He seemed confident and at ease, right in his element. She was glad this part of his humanity hadn’t been destroyed by HYDRA’s tight regime, this was exactly the type of person she had imagined after hearing Steve’s stories. She was entranced with his expressions as they moved to the music, a slow song coming on as if on cue. Lillith wasn’t the type to dance, but she naturally let herself go with the flow and back in the day it was more than natural for men to take the lead in any dance.

Bucky was thankful to be able to relive a moment he longed for all this time, though the sense of disappointment still lingered at the thought that this was just temporary, it was exactly what he needed after all he had been through. She seemed to fit right into his world, the style complimenting her features and beauty in a way he had never considered before. Aside from their joint experience as weapons of HYDRA and their fight for redemption while protecting the Earth, all he knew about the young woman was that she was sassy and stubborn and - quite literally - out of this world. But the more he fought with her, spoke to her, spent time with her, the fonder he grew of her in a way he never imagined he was able since waking up out of his time. She had given her a priceless gift, however, and felt at ease being in her presence.

It was interesting how a simple dance could become so intimate, but both former assassins kept eye contact through the entire slow dance. Hands tightly held together, his other hand carefully resting on the small of his back as her hand was placed on his right shoulder. Both expressions peaceful and softened, communicating without words. It could have been an impulse of circumstance, but as they continued swaying to the music, Bucky slowly leaned in closer towards her. He hesitated and unexpectedly felt his heart race at the urge that crossed his mind. She hadn’t flinched or moved or reacted as he inched closer, she merely continued to look at him with that soft smile, her cheeks coloring a soft shade of pink. Making up his mind, he closed the distance between them and carefully pressed his lips against hers. She didn’t seem to fight it, instead, she leaned into the kiss and returned it to both their surprises. She could feel her cheeks flushing, burning as she returned the kiss and almost admired the sensation of his lips against hers, his scruff tickling her sensitive skin but she didn’t seem to mind.

For a brief moment, the two stayed connected in the kiss, her head was reeling with the sensation as their surroundings quickly fading in and out of existence like some sort of glitch in a holograph. Breaking the kiss, Bucky quickly glanced around with his brows knitted in a worried frown as the venue faded in and out of view again in just a brief second before pulling them back to the 1940’s, “What the hell was that?”

Lillith took a deep breath, it was only now that she realized how everything around her felt like it was spinning at a rapid pace, her vision slowly blurring as a soft thud was pounding in the back of her head. Keeping the mirage going took a lot of concentration and energy, but as her attention was drawn to the moment the two were having, she slowly lost her grasp on her creation and hadn’t realized how much it was actually draining her. “Sorry…” the apology almost slurred out of her mouth as it took every drop of energy just to speak. “I think my mind slipped out of it.”

His eyes dropped to her face, still carrying the worried frown. Her face was flushed from color, even the soft shade on her cheeks had disappeared, the paleness even reaching her otherwise warm colored lips with an alarming sight “You don’t have to keep this up, it’s hurting you.” She shook her head stubbornly, not wanting to ruin this moment of happiness she managed to give him, but he insisted. “It was fun while it lasted, baby doll, but I think it’s time to go back.” Carefully brushing a stubborn curled strand of hair behind her ear, he could have sworn he saw her lips curl up into a slight pout.

“N-no, I can still...” Her voice sounded both tired and disappointed as her sentence got caught off, closing her eyes for a moment as she was unable to keep her grasp on the temporary reality she created and collapsed onto the ground.

Bucky felt a shock in place, a jerking sensation like the rude awakening after falling in a dream, and in a blink of an eye the entire venue disappeared, the scent disappeared and the music died out, finding himself back in the darkness on top of the roof. The disappointment he had anticipated earlier washed over him for only a brief moment, releasing a content sigh before his focus was drawn to the young woman slumped in front of him. He immediately kneeled down in front of her, carefully brushing some strands of her hair out of her face. “Are you okay?”

She lied in reply, nodding her head carefully as she tried to ignore the throbbing in her head. The world behind her closed eyelids was still spinning beyond her control, a scary feeling which she hadn’t experienced in a very long time. Her entire body was shaking, aching as though screaming at her for starving herself from energy. She felt her mind grow fuzzy and wander off, longing to give into the fatigue.

“Lillith, stay with me...” His voice subtly cracked with concern as he noticed how her breathing became more shallow and her arms, upon which she had rested the weight of her upper body to try and keep her somewhat upright, were faltering. “Hey. Hey! Look at me!” His voice broke through the haze in her mind as she felt his strong arms supporting her shoulders, the touch of his Vibranium hand cooling against her almost burning skin, shaking her softly to try and regain her attention. “Open your eyes, baby doll. Look at me.”

She continued to fight the urge to give into the screaming fatigue and pounding sensation in the back of her head. Bucky’s commanding voice growing louder and louder as she slowly snapped out of her dizzy spell and peeled her eyes open. He gently placed his fleshed hand underneath her chin and forced her to gaze up to meet with his, finding herself almost drowning in the intensity of his steel blue stare, which only hardened at the alarming sight that her gaze had grown distant. As she focused on him and him alone, the pounding in her head slowly drifted away and the world seemed like it stopped spinning at an abnormal pace, regaining her balance once more as her heartbeat slowly but surely steadied. “There she is...” He offered her a careful smile amidst his worry as he noticed her focus returning, her body stopped shaking in his grip. There was a sense of guilt that continued to grow within him, he never asked her to use her powers to such an extent but neither did he stop her and part of him felt responsible for the state she was in. “You’re with me, right?”

“Yeah...” Her voice sounded weak, almost like a whisper as she felt her energy slowly dripping back, “I’m sorry I ruined the moment...”

“Hey... We don’t need the past to have a moment...” He softly chuckled in an attempt to make her feel at ease once again. The moment they shared was special, it might not have happened ever if she hadn’t sent them back into his memory, he wasn’t even sure what the moment meant in the first place since it all happened so suddenly. Not that he regretted it and it was comforting that she reciprocated. “Are you okay? Think you can stand up?”

She swallowed harshly, mustering up the confidence before nodding, reaching up for his hand to support her as she carefully got back to her feet. The blood in her head rushed down, obscuring her vision as she struggled to keep her balance when a strong hand rested on the small of her back to keep her steady. “Talk about a rush...” She muttered, her eyes traveling up to meet his.

His blue orbs moved over the soft features of her face, the color in her cheeks had yet to return but her skin was considerably less pale as it was just a moment ago, hints of the stray tears still lingering on her lashes as her expression still screamed exhaustion. And even in that state, she looked beautiful to him. Like he had described the cluster of stars that shared her name, he found a sense of beauty in chaos. “You keep surprising me, doll.”

“Do I?” Her eyebrow quirked up as her lips curled up into a playful grin. She wasn’t quite sure what exactly he was referring to but he took it with jest anyway. “There’s a lot more where that came from, sugar.” A teasing hum rolled down her throat as she continued to look at him, the sheer happiness that radiated from his expression made her heart leap in a way she never imagined to be capable. Bucky deserved a break, he deserved a piece of happiness and she was glad to be the one that could grant him that much. It surprised her how much she was drawn to him in what seemed to be an innocent exchange, it was a sensation she hadn’t experienced before, and the sudden kiss was just the last piece of the surprisingly amusing and soothing puzzle.

Her posture was alluring, the coy tone of her voice drawing him in once more as their eyes connected as they did before. She had immersed herself into a seductive person that knew exactly how to speak to his instincts. The kiss on the dance floor was an almost careless move he made that reminded him of the heartthrob antics he used to partake in. His senses were overcome with a feeling of enlightenment as he had not a single care in the world, or so it felt. And here she stood - back in their present day, recovering from a gift so precious to him that he forgot it affected her like a curse. Her emerald gaze burning through his own, connecting with him in a way he feared he would never be able to again. There was something about her that fascinated him, drawing out the Brooklyn charmer he thought was long gone. It felt nice not being treated like a weapon or a monster, it was comforting to connect with a person who truly understood him. He wanted to make the first move but she was just one step ahead, already leaning in to press her soft lips against his.

Lillith surprised herself at how quick she gave into the attraction that flooded her senses and took over her better judgment. It felt like a second nature to approach the tall and brooding man whose eyes for once were filled with a sliver of hope. She had never experienced this sensation, it frightened her because it was so unknown, but even more so because it felt so right at the same time. She realized the man before her, whose lips were rough but somehow seemed to comfortably fit onto her own, hadn’t done anything out of the ordinary of how people often treated each other. He was kind to her when he wanted to, curt with her when he needed to, but most importantly he gave her a sense of worth that she so desperately longed for. She had been weaponized, plagued by her past and her destiny. Cursed by her origin and unable to escape no matter how desperate - no hand could end the torture she had to bear every second she was awake. And then there was Bucky, a man with an equally complicated past and an unsure future, who treated her like any other human being and on this very evening - despite the fact that it should have been her special day - made her feel home and at ease in a situation where she felt like nothing more but a fish out of water.

Bucky gently pressed his hand against the small of her back, pushing her closer to his own body as they deepened the kiss, sending a chill down her spine. Parting their lips, their tongues intertwined in a playful dance as she carefully reached her hand up and rested it on his cheek. Again, her head was reeling but in a positive kind of way as he stole her breath away. The rugged, brooding man caressed her with such ease and kindness that one would forget how dangerous and violent he once was. It was a perfectly blissful moment that neither wanted to break, but the need to breathe reminded them that all good things would come to an end.

She slowly pulled back, smiling against his lips before completely breaking away. Eyes closed, she let the feeling linger for another moment before releasing a slow breath she didn’t realize she was holding. Her eyelids fluttered open, meeting with his warm blue gaze which colored her cheeks with another shade of pink. He smiled down on her as the same sensation had filled his heart and rushed through his veins, at this moment it was just the two of them connecting, their longing for a normal life fulfilled by the other. But another feeling lingered in the back of her mind, one that she had encountered before, one she often tried not to give into. It was an ominous feeling that almost slapped her in the face as a sort of reality check, there was a reason why she never experienced true happiness or joy - because that very sensation was often followed by something terrible.

“What’s on your mind, baby doll?” The way her expression changed so suddenly naturally didn’t go unnoticed, a frown now forming above his wondrous blue eyes. He was worried she was going to collapse on him again, dealing with the aftermath of using her powers.

She released a long sigh, stepping away from him with a guilty aftertaste. She wasn’t sure how to explain her troubles since it didn’t make any sense at this point. There was no captor that would tase her, stab her, shoot her, sedate her or torture at any moment if she were to give into the warmth that had trickled into her heart. There was nothing that would stop her from finally experiencing what normal people would, without fearing the outcome. Sure, this mutual attraction was strange, new and very exciting, it was unknown territory for the young woman who believed all her life that she was nothing but a monster.

“Did I do something wrong?” When it came to courting or romance, Bucky was just an innocent soul who meant to harm but to love unconditionally. After all he’d been through, it was something he longed for the most. He wasn’t sure if love was the proper way to describe the events between them, but he was certain that there was chemistry that he was very willing to explore and experiment with. But at least he had some experience, he had fallen in love before - or at least experienced infatuation. “I’m sorry if I--”

She snapped around almost immediately, her eyes widened as she vigorously shook her head at his implications. Bucky had done nothing wrong, there was nothing he could do wrong when all they did was kiss and she had initiated the second one. “No! No, no, no! It’s not you, it’s me!” Her nose scrunched up as the words were ringing in her own mind, realizing the only times she heard those words in movies was when they were uttered nearing a break-up. “Wait! I mean… I-I love this, this- whatever this is,” She nearly stuttered, waving her hands almost frantically, an exasperated sigh rolling off her lips at her own inability to explain herself. She didn’t want to label whatever it was that drew them together, because she honestly had no clue what to label it as. “It’s just... Every time I inch closer to that feeling of happiness, bad things happen… And that scares me...”

Bucky watched the girl wave about her arms in frustration as she tried to explain what was on her mind, an adoring smile creeping up on his lips as he understood her perfectly. “You don’t have to worry,” He assured her with a calm voice, taking careful steps towards her as he took her slowly chilling hands into his own. “I promise you, nothing bad will happen. You’re safe - we’re safe. An as for us...” The playfulness returned to his voice as he gave her hands a soft squeeze, toying with the thought of there being an us to refer to in the first place. “We are in no rush.”

She pressed her lips together, wanting nothing more than to believe his words. She wanted to explore being happy, she wanted to explore what was brewing between the two of them, she just wanted to be sure that nothing was going to happen that could jeopardize this experience - that could hurt him. “James Buchanan Barnes, brooding dinosaur and part-time poet.” She managed to rekindle her sassy demeanor as she took note of the cute little rhyme to his words, it was unrelated but managed to lift the mood.

A loving laugh rolled down his throat at her comment, shaking his head, closing the distance between them once more. “Shut up, birthday gal.”

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