#it's sort of vent-y but whateeeevs

[sega-saturn-arcade]

long post ahead!! eek!!

I miss him. I miss him and I worry for him, but as someone who had lost a friend. Someone who cannot contact them or truly know what they’re doing, only hope based on what they know. I hope he didn’t hate me. I hope me taking the blame for everything makes it better. I hope he’s okay, overall. I hope the damn Blackrock government never caught him.

I miss him like a long gone friend. I don’t know if he knows how much of an impact he made on me. I hope he’s safe. I hope he loves himself more than he did when I knew him.

I only want the best for him. Maybe a part of me blaming myself for everything and saying I was the issue when perhaps it wasn’t even about me is probably me rationalizing everything being better by saying,

“It was never your fault. Please don’t feel bad. I can take those negative emotions and feel them for you. Maybe then you will feel better and it will be okay. Maybe you won’t hate me if I am the one who takes responsibility for everything that happened.”

It does nothing, though. Even if it does make me feel bad it perhaps brings me some kind of peace. Maybe if I find him again he’ll tell me it is okay, it’s neither of our faults. Maybe then I can release that burden I carry myself.

(more under cut)

Is it selfish? Is it? I don’t know. If it is I still feel bad. Because it still was partly my fault, but I’m taking it too in on myself.

After all, he did talk about leaving Blackrock sometimes. Maybe that fight that pushed him over the edge was a good thing. Maybe it made everything worse. I don’t know.

He was my best friend. My only friend, and he did so much for me by just being there. I miss him in passing. Perhaps we will never meet again, or I never saw him again. Maybe I did, and I ignored what Blackrock wanted—bringing him in.

It is a never ending state of no closure.

I couldn’t let myself move on because in my mind moving on meant that all was forgiven. I did not forgive myself and I didn’t think Medkit would forgive me either.

Part of me gets genuinely so shocked at seeing other Medkit's kinfessionals, how these Subspaces hurt him so ruthlessly and held no remorse. Like, wow Gav! It's almost like you kin a guy who in canon and perhaps lots of different universes a really awful and bad person! No shit!!

I just hope maybe there's a Medkit out there that doesn't see me as some monster. I hope maybe he looks back on it with that sort of passing thought of, "It was nice when it lasted. I don't think he was a bad demon, though."

I know some of this is repeated but like, man it repeats in my head over and over and over recently. I'll learn to forgive myself in this life, I know I will. It'll just take a bit of processing the whole ordeal.