#its 1:47am now and im finally done

[vervielle]

★

☆

sobs

[angrylizardjacket]

and everything that goes with it; i thank you all

A/N: So........ ash v. social media v. borhap cast i guess??? no-one asked for this, but i love them.

[aydtd]

It definitely starts as a joke.

“Hey, Ma Rocket?” Joe’s filming on his phone during a costume trial. With her arms crossed, Ash is partially hidden by Rami who’s spinning, the frills of his shirt fanning out around him. She’s frowning, thoughtful and pensive, but when Joe calls, she turns to him, eyebrows raised and expectant.

“Aye?” She’s not smiling, mind obviously still pondering over the fit of Rami’s costume, but it’s a clear enough acknowledgement that Joe’s response is clearly spoken through a smile.

“You responded; you’re the on-set mom now.” He declares. Ben laughs from somewhere off camera. “No takebacks.” Joe follows it up with, but Ash is already wearing a longsuffering look of resignation. The video cuts off before she can flip him off, but her movements are too deliberate to be misconstrued as anything else. The video is released almost a full year later, once the NDA has been lifted on the movie and Behind the Scenes pictures and videos start flooding out, but at that point the joke had moved beyond being just that.

Ash is not hard won; kindness and respect win her loyalty easily, it’s just that those traits are sometimes hard to come by in this industry, and she’s often dismissed because of her age, especially by younger performers. Bohemian Rhapsody is different, of course in part because they all know who she is by virtue of who they’re playing,

Joe’s not her favourite, not officially, and neither is Ben, much to his quiet disappointment; officially her favourite is Karen, and everyone else is tied second, but each of them holds a very special place in her heart and soon that begins to bleed into her social media, as well as some of theirs. Ash gets Instagram at Joe’s behest, only a month before the world premiere of Bohemian Rhapsody. It’s not as if she’s lived her life in obscurity, but come the turn of the millennium, her time at the edge of the spotlight had mostly come to an end, and she had been able to continue her work behind the curtain of pop culture for almost twenty years. This was all new, and unexpected, but she tried to take it in stride.

So she follows the cast, of course, follows Roger and Brian and the Official Queen page, as well as any of her friends or former clients she can find, and much to their horror, her children. Okay so her son isn’t horrified since he’s a public figure and he doesn’t use it for personal photos, but both her daughters have posted pictures of themselves in bikinis, and they thought they’d be safe since Roger followed them after the photos were posted, and at least he never went back and liked any of their old photos. Ash likes every single photoeach of her children has even posted, and all three are a little horrified.

That’s a cute one of us at Bonfire Night!! Is one of the many comments she leaves across the entire timeline of Astrid’s Instagram history, this particular one being from a 2014 photo, and so Astrid herself posts a screenshot of her mother blowing up her notification on her story.

@joemazzello what have you done

Joe subsequently posts a screenshot of a set of DMs between himself and Astrid on his own story.

Yesterday @ 3:47am

@astro_winnie: then tell him to change his oil

@astro_winnie: what a heathen

Today @ 1:21pm

@astro_winnie has mentioned you in her story

@joemazzello: What exactly are you accusing me of here?

@astro_winnie: mum didn’t have an Instagram yesterday 🤔🤔

@astro_winnie: I don’t know how but this is your fault

@joemazzello: she’s just having fun 😂😂

@astro_winnie: SHE LIKED MY BIKINI PIC FROM 2 YEARS AGO IM DYINg

The whole conversation is captioned ’Well anyways, go follow Ma Rocket @rockettaylor49’. The following picture on his story, posted ten minutes later, is a clarification that he isn’t actually Ash’s son, that it’s just a nickname. Even so, Ash’s actual son gets a photo with him at the premiere and caption it ‘brother from another mother (probably) @joemazzello’ and it goes viral on both Tumblr and Twitter.

Ash’s first official post is a picture of herself and Freddie, a Polaroid of the two of them aged beyond belief, taken in 1969. It’s the only photo she had when she was still in uni, and even she seems surprised to see it. Roger finds her staring at it, expression blank as she looks at where they keep it, pride of place, over the mantle. Without even asking, he understands, and he presses a kiss to her temple.

’@rockettaylor49: My favourite client helped me with this caption, he said I should remind you all that you can have more than one love of your life, and that that love isn’t necessarily romantic. To me, Freddie was family from the moment I met him, and I love and miss him every day. Freddie & Me. 1969.’

The post is flooded with love and support and more heart emojis than you can shake a stick at, and it’s not long before she’s amassed a large following. The only outlier in the initial comments comes from her second daughter, Cate.

@cate.astrophy: @rogertaylorofficial got upgraded to favourite client. nice.

The entire rest of the family, as well as a few random unknowns, like the comment.

Ash’s aesthetic is surprisingly clean; old photos from back in the day, old initial costume designs in sketchbooks, the paper gold with age and colours faded, but still with her initial notes scribbled neatly around the edges. The only modern things she posts are photos of shopping bags filled with fabric she’s just purchased, and photos of her friends and family.

There’s only one selfie on her page. Its Ash, poorly framed if only to keep Joe in focus behind her where he’s leaning against the door to a trailer and double over with laughter, with Ben glaring through the window at both of them.

’@rockettaylor49: Trixie gave me a selfie stick and Ben tried to confiscate it when he heard me say 'selfie’ so he was locked out. Usually I was with Roger on the other side of the door back when Deaky was locking us out of places… What a terrible influence he was!! But anyways here you all go, my first selfie. Me & Trixie featuring My Disrespectful Boy, Ben. 2018.’

The way the cast call her ‘Ma’ definitely started out as a joke, mostly between Joe, Ben, and Ash, but it slowly spreads to the others.

“Where’s The Golden Boy?” Ash calls on set, holding a cap for Rami, who was warming up. It’s rather endearing, the way he jogs to her wearing a smile.

“Here, Ma, what do you need from me?” 

“Hat.” Is all she says, presenting it to him. They’ve always had a soft spot for each other, having worked together on Night At the Museum and it’s sequels for several years. He was one of the last to pick up the habit of calling her ‘ma’, after spending so long calling her Rocket, but he’s grown into it, they all have. Even some of the crew have taken to using the nickname, or some variation.

And maybe she leans into it, leans into her age and her wisdom, and they know they’re sort of telling her story too, but there’s a disconnect when they look at her, at her greying hair and the deep laugh lines around her mouth, and they forget who exactly she is. Though sometimes, rarely, they’re given sharp reminders.

There’s a video on Gwil’s phone that he later puts on Instagram once he has her permission, and the NDA has come to an end, of Ash on the set of Live Aid. She’s sitting on the edge of the stage, legs hanging over the edge, and Roger’s in front of her, at the perfect height to rest his chin on her knees. 

“Do you think you can still do that impression of yours?” Roger’s voice is barely audible, but he’s grinning, and Ash cards a hand through his short, white hair.

“Which- oh, the Freddie- oh Christ,” she laughs, “this’d be the place for it, aye?” And she starts clearing her throat, about the time that Roger spots Gwil and his curious camera.

“Sorry, was just trying to catch a video of the empty stadium,” Gwil’s voice can be heard, and Roger laughs, which causes Ash to turn. Seeing Gwil, she smiles, and nods at the camera.

“You’re gonna wanna get a video of this,” Roger grins, nudging Ash’s knee, and she turns an amusing shade of pink, struggling to her feet. Gwil rushes forward to help her up, but Ash brushes him off.

“I used to do this with Freds to help him warm up, and whenever I was side of stage,” she says, a strangely fond smile on her face as she reminisces, “I’m no singer, never have been, this is probably as close as I’ll get,” she warned, looking straight at the camera.

Taking a deep breath, she clears her throat, and belts out ‘ay-oh’. As if being summoned by a siren, everyone who can hear her, responds in kind. Smiling, pleased, she continues with the bit, as does everyone else, slowly gathering around her. It sounds uncannily like Freddie, and she holds an arm out to Rami to join her in leading the gathered crowd, which he agrees to with a bright grin, which ends with him yelling ‘hey, hey, hey, Hammer to Fall!’ and Ash, as well as the rest of the crew, bursts out into laughter.

The video’s posted with the caption ‘Ash Mercury in her prime’. All three of Ash and Roger’s kids comment about how they hadn’t heard her do that in so long, and not for the first time, Gwilym finds himself marveling at what it would be like to have Ash and Roger as actual parents.

Once the camera’s off, Ash  talks quietly about how she and Freddie used to practice it, because he couldn’t teach Ash to sing to save his life, but he’d be damned if he couldn’t teach her this.

“He was like, an actual brother to her,” Ben says quietly when he and the other three boys are gathered together, checking in before they finally started filming.

“Yeah, it’s crazy to think some times; she took his last name for a full fifteen years," Rami muses, and there’s something that warms in his heart whenever he catches Ash’s wistful gaze as she watches them perform, quietly grateful.

There’s a few videos here and there from set from Ash, little moments she finds endearing, usually set to music;

She catches her son, Barney, and his partner dancing to Seaside Rendezvous alone in the makeup truck, joyful and bright, they sway together to the beat as her son sings along, and his partner laughs fondly, pressing their smile against his chest as he tries to make kazoo noises.

When Cate, her middle daughter, comes to set, she takes a seat by the piano and plays the opening for Seven Seas of Rhye.

“That’s the one he wrote for you, isn’t it?” She turns, beaming, and Ash sits beside her. Again, Cate plays the opening, and Ash hums along, out of key, and Cate swallows her own gentle laughter, instead singing along.

Karen Gillan has a perm in order to play Ash, but unlike Joe, she appears to have no trouble in it, actually takes great pride in it. Ash has caught the rest of the cast, on several different occasions, using it to take photos of themselves with a stunning, ginger beard, which amuses her to no end, as it was something Roger was want to do on occasion when he got bored back in the day.

On the night of the Oscars, at the afterparty, Ash uploads two videos in the same post, one from set, and one from that night. They’re simply captioned ‘Me & The Champions. 2018/19′.

The video from on set is from the final day; Ash’s hands are shaking the camera slightly, but her voice is loud and clear, ringing throughout the set; 

“Where are my kids?” And like clockwork, Ben, Gwilym, Rami, and Joe all come out from various places, followed by Lucy and Karen, all giving her fond looks.

“Oh man, I’m gonna miss my set-mom,” Joe looks like the thought genuinely pains his heart, and as the realization dawns on the others, there’s a fond and faintly forlorn expression mirrored on all their faces. Joe’s the first to go in for the hug, despite Ash’s faint ‘oh Jesus Christ, Trixie’, but they all soon join.

The second video is from right after the Oscars awards ceremony, when most of the cast and crew who’d been attending are doing photo opportunities, and while Brian and Roger are already with them, Ash had hung back.

“It’s so good to see all my kids in the one place!” She calls, and Joe’s expression lights up as he hears her voice.

“Ma, we won!” Rami holds up his Oscar with delight, already a little tipsy, as were the rest of them as they crowd Ash, all wrapping her up in a group hug. Someone’s humming We Are The Champions. Ash suspects Joe. But she takes delight in the moment anyways, pride flaring bright in her chest.

[eirosbraindump-blog]

BRAIN DUMP ENTRY #1

November 8, 2018

Thursday: around 10:30 in the morning

Hello, Joe!

It has been a long time since I called you that. Usually I would just slam words and feelings at you and have forgotten the reason why I named you Joe. i wanted to have someone whom I can always rely my stories to, and that is my journal, it is you Joe.

I wanted to have a friend whom I can trust the secrets of my life with, because as of now I don’t think I have one.

Side comment: Fuck, this is very unusual of me to do journaling early in the morning because most of the times I do this at night pero kailangan ko na magreflect. I need to do something productive because I think I’ve been wasting a lot of time.

______________________________________

Around almost 7 in the pm. Lol haha. Whut???

OKAAAAAAY, so it’s basically NOV. 9, I got distracted by movie watching yesterday and left this one hanging. I’m such a fool. I haven’t done anything productive and I’m pissed off with myself because even journaling, di ko matapos tapos. Sooooo yesterday I just watched a couple of movies (not that important) and then drowned myself on the internet, AGAIN.

Thoughts raging, scribbled memories and fucked up mind. That is basically who I am right now. I don’t even know what to write. I got a lot of thoughts going on in here.

I made iced oreo coffee btw. I’m proud, though i still have to perfect it. but I’m proud. Hehe

So back to my magulong sarili, I watched a movie a while ago. Crazy Rich Asians. It’s a good movie though, while watching that I have a lot going on in my mind. First, I got jealous with the girl because how can she be that lucky! Like oh my gosh Rachel, u got a crazy rich man like that who really loves you and then you only gonna turn him down! She is really a strong woman btw. Nick’s family hates her and she just got along with it. SECOND, arrrgh that movie made me feel how single I am and it made me miss my fckin ex-boyfriend AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH. As much as I wanted to forget that asshole, I can’t. because you know what? He gave me two years of happiness that I can’t just forget, bet nobody can do that to me, even my family. Though I appreciate them, every moment of my life I’ve loved my family especially my parents. But there’s just something with Kiko that really made me who I am today. When I met him it was like I finally knew who I really am. I found myself you know? I learned so much for the past two years that I’ve known him. It taught me so much lesson. Life taught so much. I became to appreciate little things because of him. Although I know that we’re not that lowkey to everyone but our treatment, the way we treat each other is kami lang ang nakakaalam at kami lang ang nakakaramdam. Damn you, kiko. I loved you. I really did love you so much it came to the point that it broke my heart really bad. I still love you up until now though, but I don’t think I’m in the right position to love u like I loved you the way I did before.

Kani-kanina lang, I’ve watched a video about journaling, I forgot the name of the girl but there’s this one thing that she said that I can’t forget (though she just re-quoted it, she’s really not the one who said that, I think.) “Forgiveness is the way/road to Happiness.” I don’t think that I have completely moved on yet, I’d just lie to myself if I said that I already did, but I don’t know if I have completely forgave you, and I know that I have been a bitch at times to you (on social media) and to your girl. But that girl is really being a lowclass obsessive bitch she’s really like nagpaparinig sakin na parang mas affected pa siya kesa sating dalawa. Aarrrghh. I cant just be happy for you yet. You really broke my heart Ching. Anyways, as I was saying, that girl on the video also said to write a letter of forgiveness to someone because it will help yourself to freeload your bothering thoughts. So I decided to do that, not just now because I cant promise myself (yet) that I won’t get affected just by seeing your random jejemon-ish pic with the girl i-was-once-got-jealous-into-but-you-said-to-me-don’t-because-she’s-just-a-friend-who-turned-out-to-be-your-girlfriend-today together with you.

Aside from hating and loving my ex at the same time, I have more randomly important life-related thought still going into my head like: what am I going to be after graduation? because I never saw myself being an employee. I don’t know, whenever I think of what am I gonna be, I just see me walking with confidence together with high-fashioned business clothes with high heels and sunglasses inside a random office building. Maybe I’m gonna be a ceo or something. Haha. And then there’s this purpose chorvaness of me. like, what is really my purpose in life ba? What is my actual calling? Am I gonna be like this forever?

Eiro, you know yourself better than anyone else. I can see who am I on the inside, but theres this one thing that I can’t see that people can see: who am I on the outside. Let me give you an example kung gaano kagulo ang personality ko (idk if personality is the right term but. . .) 1. Before sembreak came, I was like ‘oh I should do something productive on sembreak, like I should re-learn photoshop, read books, learn something new and blablabla.’ Some of that happened syempre kasi I was in the urge of reconstructing and discovering me diba? I re-learned Photoshop but I stopped when I got proud of the first project that I made. I didn’t even bother continuing the second project. And then I read a book naman although–haha, I stopped, I don’t know why pero gabi ko kasi binasa yun tapos kinabukasan I didn’t bother to touch it. I cant say that it’s the same old eiro kasi di naman ako ganito dati. You know what? I’ll be harsh to myself, I became a fucking ningas cugon na!

(break muna nandito na parent ko hehe)

Bello. It’s NOV 13 na and I can’t even get this fucking done. It’s around almost 10:30PM so maybe I’ll be like medj sabaw na hahahaha. But I need to get this done you know?

So many things have had happened this past days. Im afraid that my parents are losing their sparks for each other, and I don’t want to let that just fade, so I always make a way to remind them the reason why they stayed at each other’s side. My mum can be stubborn sometimes and my dad is a big pain in the head. Theyre both a pain in the head.

My relationship with kiko is a big blessing in disguise. Yung mga lesson na natutunan ko is naapply ko sa mga magulang ko. And I’m proud of what I did to both of them. I have so many problems in life and I don’t want my family to be one of them. Aside from my friends, sila na lang ang pinagkukunan ko ng lakas at ayoko naman na pati sila ay maging dahilan ng pagsuko ko. Lord please give me strength.

My parents are okay now. I guess the advices that i gave to them works. I love them so much and it hurts me whenever I see them into cold war.

So yesterday, I have this kwento. I dreamt of kiko. I dont want to forget that dream kaya I immediately get my phone and wrote down what happened. Here’s what I wrote:

“11/12/18 4:47am grudgy and sleepy. but idon wanna forget this dream that i had. i meed to write this i had a dream i was with kiko we are on the fx daw and we were standing i know right haha basta fx yun you know dreams are weird sa pagkakaalam ko we were going to sm north edsa and i was hugging him while standing. and he keeps giving me forehead kisses. puta namiss ko yun. pero may isa akong nagawang mali, binitawan ko siya. kumalas ako sa pagkakayakap sa kanya sa kadahilanang majudge ng mundo. were fckin doing pda on that ride. i hate myself for that. binitawan ko siya pota (nakuha tuloy ng iba). then i woke up. Lord, please stop giving me dreams like that. iniisip ko tuloy na sign siya or something. lalo po akong umaasa. please sana yung nangyari po na yun panaginip na lang na habang tumatagal nakakalimutan. i am happy Lord kasi having a relationship with kiko taught me so many lessons that i can say i already applied to some. i see it as a blessing in disguise. pero, how long will i keep hurting Lord?  -your broken daughter,Eiro.“

Yeah, I kinda forgot that ganyan pala yung mga sinulat ko.

Kiko having a girlfriend is a big slap on my face. I think I lowkey gonna accept pa if he broke up with me just to save the relationship, kaso hindi eh. Pinagpalit ako friend. Agad! Alam mo ba yung feeling na parang wala ka ng karapatan na mag selos at mangamusta man lang sa kanya kahit gusto mo kasi alam mong may nagmamayari na sa kanya? Yung parang ang only choice mo na lang is mag move on at parang wala ka na sa lugar masaktan? Though I’m really moving on, may mga times lang na pagdumadating yung mga dates na  ay kinalaman sa kanya is biglang bumabalik lahat ng sakit. All I have to do is wait for that day to be over. And it is so dumb of me because I didn’t even noticed that 4 fucking months have passed and the pain that I am feeling is the same like it just happened yesterday.

Anyways, you know I really need to stop talking about them no? kasi it’s bad for a moving on Eiro.

So It’s almost 11pm and this time is way passed my sleeping time. I just got a lot of brain dump going on that I need to write or else I think I’ll get crazy.

Kinakamusta ko lang naman yung sarili ko and I just really wanted to finsh this entry. And also I am requiring myself to reflect weekly, if not, monthly. Just so I see my improvements and how far I’ve come.

Another side story or cause di ko lang maisingit sa iba hahahah. I am so much thankful for my friends. They really helped me cope up with my problems and helped me get up in my broken situations.

And oh my gosh, nakakainis pala kasi Kiko is using our slangs when we were still a couple sa new gf niya. Like omg ang lame lang at nakakainis kasi. Di ko maexpress through sulat yung nararamdamn ko pero its like a big “PUTANGINA BAKIT?” to my face.

I know bashing them and ranting here are useless, pero kasi it helps me cope up with my problem. Kailangan ko lang mailabas to and to let myself believe that I’m the better one. Friends also said to me that the best revenge is to show them that you are not affected kasi pag pinakita mong apektado ka, ikaw yung talo. And to show kiko that you improved and that youre even happy without him is the best that you can give to him and to yourself.

Girl, I. AM. SERVING!!!

You got served mf a-hole together with your bitch! Jk I still care for you, Ching.

Oh right, shit. With these raging thoughts and feelings, I really need to write a letter to Kiko. Di nga lang yung letter of forgiveness hehe.

So I think that’s it for today, I still have a lot going on though. Hehe

- Confused Rose