#its a miracle ive never sustained issues from any xoncussions
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Engineering and my own capacity for self destruction really gave me ptsd in a way I could've never fathomed
#rant#shdhhd#my health issues#??? i guess?#like. yeah the complex ptsd has to do with parents yeah for sure. id have to do the working thru that#and fixing that work anyway#but the absolutely incredible self destruxtive panic attacks???#the way wjen i panic my body is fully xonditioned to respond to stress#singularly by directing hatred at myself and wanting myself destroyed to 'fix' the cause of strwss and terror?#wild that i trained my fear response somehow to respond to fear by just panicking until im incoherent then trying to kill myself#on a lighter note i think a killer would have a hard time killing me. i can swing with a metal pan incredibly hard#meanwhile my own skull can take brick or metal at pretty much any human strength thats not incredibly unrealistic#its a miracle ive never sustained issues from any xoncussions#long term im looking up emdr therapy or whatever its called. to try abd process memories and see if that helps#cause ive done cbt and dbt which worked WONDERS on all non panic attack mental health#and ive done neurofeedbaxk which LESSENED my anxiety and propensity for panic by like 9/10 pf the time#but when panic attacks do hit theyre still just incredibly extreme. and i just cannot think during them#in engineering i kept teying to kill mhself every time panic hit so idk maybe it became the only imstinct#despite wantjnf to very much stay alive ans safe and comfortable now in my life#anyway maybe emdr would help?#neurofeedback helped significantly tho not to downplay. i was literally having mini seizures constantly. no wonder i panicked 5-20#times a day. like if ur minds short circuiting no fucking wonder#anyway i hate panic attacks i hate lacking control over them since u knowm by definition if i xould breathe and think calm during one it#would be Over
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