#its my fav thing ive ever written actually i wont lie

[fyorina]

Pm reader and Ada dazai☹️☹️☹️😐😐😐

OH MY GODDDDDD YES IM ILL IT'S SO THEM IM WEEPING

[figureinthedistance]

read more bc even more long + self indulgent than my usual stuff

ive been thinking abt my relationship w/ like.... crying recently like as in w/in the past maybe week. i cry so easily tht i just feel like tears dont carry any consistent meaning it can mean so many different things. 

1) last week my dads abusive mother died + i didnt cry i wasnt sad @ all. id sort of figured shed be dying soon + i was so scared id end up crying bc i kno i cry easily + that death makes me cry even if i dont kno the person who died that well. but i didnt cry + i still havent even when i talked to my dad on the phone + cld tell he’d been crying. im so fucking glad. she was so evil i hated her so much but i was still scared id end up crying. especially bc in her later years she was vulnerable + isolated + in a lot of pain. 

2) speaking of, my brothers ex girlfriend who im still on friendly terms w. her childhood best friend committed suicide last weekend + i was crying but i was sort of aware that i was crying exclusively for my brothers ex gf, not for the woman who died. who i knew, who i had met + liked! but i wasnt grieving i was jst heartbroken bc i knew the ex was jst going to feel so so guilty abt it-- she’d been like sort of the woman’s only friend + had moved abroad a few months ago. i felt bad + like, like i was insulting the woman who had died that i was so concerned w/ how her death affected others when her death was abt her, it wasnt supposed to be abt its impact. it was abt her! 

the next 2 Things are less serious

3) the national album made me cry, especially not in kansas.mp3, but also quiet light + a good few other songs. i genuinely dont understand why the nationals lyrics have gotten under my skin as much as they have. idk anyone who is so affected by them. + so much of them i cant relate to!! there are songs i can relate to e.g. rylan but many i cant + i still jst cry. the crying + my general reaction to their music feels like it comes from being overwhelmed. i guess its like the general desperate repressed claustrophobic atmosphere of his music. 

4) i went to see the glass menagerie + it was so fucking good (marty rea was in it + i love him a lot i think hes rlly good). id never seen it before but i was expecting to cry. its my fav tennessee williams play + i love laura so much. this girl i was ‘’’in love’’’’ w/ when i was a teenager made me a tshirt tht says ‘tennessee williams loves me’ on it bc id said that semi-jokingly bc laura is written so tenderly + lovingly + its clear how much love williams had for the sister she was based on + i relate so much to her. i teared up when she was showing jim her glass animals, + started properly crying when she said she was nervous she’d step on his feet + he said sth like ‘dont worry, i wont break’ (after her talking abt how fragile her glass animals were) + then when they were actually dancing i like had to like hold myself back from like sobbing. i mean not that theres any doubt over tennessee williams talent but like on a personal level this rlly showed how important + impactful i found his work bc like even tho i cry easily its usually over pretty Big things things that are obviously very sad or obviously very scary. this scene was so subtle but it still hit me so so hard. 

5) in therapy my therapist identified my inability to explain why i cry whenever we talk abt anything from my childhood even seemingly innocuous stuff, + i think its in part bc in some ways ive stopped myself from processing or feeling emotions abt my childhood @ all ever + never talk abt it w/ anyone (one of my worst habits is tht i often will lie abt my childhood even in relation to pretty basic facts jst bc i bristle @ the idea of sharing anything real w/ anyone) so when ive talked abt it openly + in depth in therapy even again if we’re talking abt an aspect of it which isnt that significant i will like instantly almost instinctively start crying. 

[dreamiesgoup]

Soft Q&A

tagged by @shineekeylover 💌 thank u so much bb! 

Rules: Answer the Q&A and tag 5 of your most recent followers and 3 of your biggest fans/fav blogs! 

What’s the smell of your shampoo?

I just use some color-protecting shampoo and it doesn’t have a specific scent written on it but it does smell sweet! 

What’s your aesthetic?

soft hoodies and sweaters, heart-shaped earrings, cute stuffed animals, long drives listening to your favorite songs, café dates, stickers all over everything

What is your favorite time of a day?

My dorm room faces east so in the mornings, it gets all this sunshine and soft lighting and it’s quiet and slow and honestly so beautiful. 

What do you like most about the beach?

Golden hour! I love when it’s the end of the day and all the excitement of the afternoon has been thoroughly enjoyed and now you’re a little bit tired so you’re just chilling with your best friends on the sand, just talking and having a drink and wishing you could stay in that moment forever. 

What do you worry about constantly?

Ahhhh have to agree here and definitely say the future! And where I’ll end up, and if I’ll have accomplished my goals, and whether or not I’ll be emotionally fulfilled 😔

What is a song you cried to before?

I can’t think of a specific song that I’ve ever cried to, but I’ve definitely just had like, playlists on in the background while I’m sobbing in my room during a core meltdown LOL 

What are some relaxing tips to your followers?

Know that all your negative emotions, all that sadness or pain, is just temporary. You may feel this way now but you won’t feel this way forever, I promise. 

What are some things that make you tear up?

On the sad side, I don’t have the greatest relationship with my family and thinking about some of the worse times I’ve had related to that makes me tear up. 

On the happy side, I honestly cry when I think about my best friends and the people that actually do love me. I’m so grateful to have them in my life, it’s crazy. I don’t know how I got so lucky and I literally wouldn’t be here without them.   

What is your favorite form of each of the five senses?

Touch: lying next to or linking arms with someone you love

Smell: anything freshly baked

Taste: home-cooked food

Hear: talking to your best friend on the phone when you’re apart 

Sight: the ocean

What is one alternate reality you’d want to be in?

Let’s be lighthearted for this LOL an alternate reality where I get to take a selfie with Lee Donghyuck the love of my life and use it as my lockscreen for eternity that’s seriously all I want 

What are most troubles you face daily?

Definitely just feeling inadequate, but I’m getting better at dealing with this. Guys, in this house, we love ourselves, okay!!

What is one scene of a book that made you really sad?

Not gonna lie, I cried at the epilogue of Champion by Marie Lu. 

Say something to all your followers. 

I really do love and appreciate every single one of you. Y’all make my day, every day of my life! I’m super shy and not great at keeping up with interactions all the time but I promise I see y’all in my notifications and I know all your URLs and my heart literally lights up when I see you liking/reblogging things from my blog, messaging me, or tagging me in things. And you guys can always feel free to talk to me! You cheer me up so much in my daily life and I’m so grateful to have y’all. You guys are all so beautiful and kind and talented; never forget that!!! 

My five most recent followers: @ijustwantsomemmilk @winwindexin @velvetnanaa @junguwu-n @haise-r thanks for following! 💕

Technically anyone who follows me automatically becomes a fav but I’ll tag a few moots I love seeing posts from and pls tell me if you don’t want to be tagged in things: @just-our-rainyday @princefullsun @stnomin @winwinprinceofchina @skaterjae @melonmark @jenozen @nctream @joydecoy 💛