#its my first ever fanart aaaa im nervous

[zeenodeeno]

Haze from Arknights

[tumblunni]

okay.. well.. I may as well actually talk about this

I got the intial news like almost a month ago now, but its only now that I have more details and I’m actually going to the first meeting tomorrow. Also i was just so nervous I didnt know how to talk about it until now. So umm.. yeah! The long version under the cut, but in summary: I may be going somewhere soon, and for potentially 4-6 months. I may or may not have much access to the internet. But this is hopefully gonna help my mental health, I hope. And I have this money in my savings now I wanna keep it as a ‘reward’ of sorts after I finish this, and I’m really hoping to be able to take a holiday to america and visit at least one of my friends, depending on how many states I’m able to cross on this budget. And hopefully I might actually be more prepared for such a big journey, and if its my reward then I’ll be able to not give up!! No matter what!! So yeah more under the cut, umm:

I may be going to an intensive therapy location. Its a communal housing area with therapy support workers and a course that I have to go through. i’ve been repeatedly reassured that it isn’t as bad as some terrifying places I’ve heard of on the internet, its a confirmed NHS-funded health facility and its supposed to be more of a communal house than like.. a prison with electroshock ‘therapy’. I dont really have any info on it yet though, but thats what I’m doing tomorrow- im finally actually having a meeting with them and getting to see the house before I move there, and ask questions and stuff. And my support worker says that if I say no I don’t have to go. But I really want to go if it really is what it says it is! OF COURSE I want to go to a therapy activity camp course that can hopefully help me conquer my anxiety faster! its just that well.. because i have ANXIETY, i cant help but frantically research on the internet and come to the worst conclusions and assume thats what’s gonna happen, and its all a scary scam... Anyway, at the moment all I know is that I won’t be locked up in there with no freedoms, and there will be other patients too and hopefully I can make friends maybe, but also im terrified I’ll make a bad impression and i’ll be the worst person there while everyone else progresses and I don’t.. gah...

But even if this place is wonderful and amazing and has zero scary asylum stuff, its still quite likely that I won’t have internet while I’m there, so i wont be able to keep in touch with you all. I can access limited internet on my phone but the browser cant even handle running youtube so im not gonna be as active. Also I cant afford a huge amount of mobile data and all. But I just hope I can indeed keep phone internet enough to be able to message my friends if I’m having a bad day and stuff. i dunno if any of you would even remember me if I vanished for half a year, lol... But like.. if you do still wanna be friends after not seeing me for ages, I really do wanna try and visit america and meet some of you guys! (and if I could afford it, I’d wanna visit other countries too, I’m just picking america first cos I speak the language and I know the most friends who live there) Oh and umm.. if I’m gonna be gone for a long time I probably will need stuff to help me keep calm and keep going and stuff. I save all the fanarts I get from my best friends, they really fill me with love! But I’d love if also maybe when I leave I might ask you guys if you could leave me a message maybe. like, if I can find some way i can get all the messages without reading them. And then if I’m ever having a big panic attack, i can read them then and hopefully it’ll help me feel better! (tho lol if i opened that up to anybody then that weird recurring anon hater might troll me, so I’d like to just reserve it to close friends maybe) Oh, or maybe I could ask you guys to leave me drawing requests or writing requests or memes and stuff that I can work on while I’m gone? I suck at knowing what to draw, after all. And I also suck at being super slow to finish drawing, so this way it all works out!

But umm yeah basically, I’ll know more tomorrow when i go to meet them and have a tour. And I;m really anxious but also kinda excited, I hope it really helps me! But I’m still anxious and.. aaa... I just had to vent a bit to try and stay calm so I make a good first impression. i bought some new clothes to wear and I’m making sure my hair dye is even, cos I didnt have enough time to un-dye it back to a presentable colour :P

Oh and umm... its VERY UNLIKELY, so please dont worry! I don’t want to spread my worry to my friends! But umm.. just in case of the worst case scenario. I was told this would just be a first meeting, its not an intervention, I wont be taken there immediately. And I will be allowed to choose if I go, and all. BUT UMM If I don’t message anyone by this time tomorrow, I guess I didnt come back. I REALLY think I’m just being paranoid and I’m not gonna be locked up in some terrible illegal false therapy place! BUT IF I AM THEN YEAH JUST IN CASE If I am not dead, I will post tomorrow! Even if I’m too stressed and anxious to talk about what happened, I’ll make a short post just to tell you all I’m okay. if I don’t, then things went wrong. BUT THEY WONT! BUT I’M STILL ANXIOUS ABOUT IT! God I’m such an idiot...

also, of course, like usual, I’m still WAY MORE ANXIOUS about being a social failure than I am about dying or being electroshocked in an asylum XD I’m so terrified I’m gonna mess up and make them hate me aaaa I hope it goes well and I get accepted! And I hope the place isnt scary and the course looks like its actually gonna help me, and stuff. I’m way more scared of it being a social gauntlet than the electroshocks ITS NOT GONNA BE THE ELECTROSHOCKS, STUPID BUNNI but aaaa I’d rather have those than have to meet so many strangers, fuckkkk I’ve vented it out so i feel less scared I ate a big fruit smoothie full of powerful energy so I will be strong enough, and I will make another smaller one tomorrow morninG! Or.. umm.. I might be too scared to sleep and just keep going on this one, lol! and I’ve been stewing on it for a month now so a lot of the stress is out and I wrote down a big long list of questions I wanna ask, and I’m gonna have a notebook to write down anything they say and I’m gonna try on my new clothes tonight and get prepared but AAAA I dont have any formal clothes, and I dont know if i should even try and look formal or if i should look like how im gonna look when I’m there the whole time and i dont know if i should try and look as much like a girl as I can for the next six months, or if I should be honest about being trans, or if thats gonna hurt my chances of being accepted or anything... I dont know if my support worker told them when she was filling out the forms... and I keep washing my face trying to make the acne go away aaaaa why am i cursed with eternity acne, why am i the pimply faced teen even into adulthood why am i such a terrible brain broken adult who needs intensive therapy to begin with how on earth can i make myself look presentable when they already know i’m so trash gahHHHHHHHH