#ive been hyperfixating on both dp and embalming

[sun-spice]

DP Corpse AU where Danny is like fuck it and scares the shit out of an embalmer by popping up out of nowhere in the middle of the night.

Mild body horror and slight dead body nitty-gritty, non-graphic.

"Jesus, fuck! You nearly scared me onto this table, kid. You can't be in here."

"I was wondering if you could embalm me?"

"You're welcome to put my name in your will but you really can't--"

"No I mean like right now. I'll even pay you."

And so Danny (reluctantly) explains his situation how he's Phantom and he's sort of puppeting around his corpse and his family don't even know he's dead. The embalmer gives him a hug. Huh, that's very nice he doesn't realise how touched starved he's been recently.

"Wait, you're a Fenton right, don't your parents hunt you???"

"Yeah."

"That's fucked up."

"Yeah."

He wants to get embalmed because he thinks his body is decomposing because he has rigor mortis, but when he says this the other just squints at him and inhales deeply, looking contemplative.

"How long have you been dead?"

"About 6 months."

"How long has the rigor mortis been going on for?"

"Same time."

The embalmer laughs. "Yeah no, I don't think you're decomposing actually, nor that embalming is going to be a good idea."

Turns out that Danny's body is in some sort stasis where it's not decaying (ectoplasm keeps his cells from dying and killed his gut microbes and is working as the weirdest immune system ever) but it's also not working right. He can sort of willfully turn his cells off and on and make them duplicate to heal but his cells still don't work right.

The embalmer gives him a physical exam to the best of their ability and while his circulatory system is caput (how is he maintaining thermostasis?? He doesn't. How is he moving his muscles?? Ectoplasm mostly. How does he dialate his eyes? Sheer spite.) he still uses his lungs to ventilate and talk. His digestive system is an absolute mess and Danny won't lie he's kind of thought of just ripping it out entirely. He doesn't produce saliva so has to eat with a lot of water. He uses a ridiculous amount of eye drops and his pharmacist is probably extremely concerned.

Embalmer says there might be something they can do to help but they need more info (and a microscope) first. You have more than one microscope at home? Can you nick it? Epic, come back tomorrow.

Turns out Danny can't leave his body for more than a week straight or he starts to actually decompose. That's good to know.

They end up replacing his blood ("not with a formaldehyde mixture! Good luck moving with that in you.") with something that doesn't clot. "Be careful when you get cut." Then they remove most of his digestive system, close the bottom of his stomach, and then replace his organs with implant grade rough duplicates. To get rid of what he eats he has to use his intangibility and a lot of water. He's thankfully osmosed a lot of chemial engineering and can help manufacture some heavier duty lubricants in eye drops and drink form. He's then advised to steal as many topical painkillers and moisturisers as he can get his hands on. "Stick it to big pharma kid, stick it." The embalmer buys him a mortuary makeup kit that doesn't need body heat to set. apparently adding some colour to your hands, ears, neck and face can go a long way to making you appear alive.

"Come back for check ups and if you ever need a place to stay my door's open. And if you ever decide you want to a funeral or a burial you know who to ask."

If Danny could still produce tears he would cry but as it is he just nods with a shaky grateful smile and gets another hug.

And that's how Danny acquires the most unlikely general physician ever. Frostbite is just glad he's not doing his own human sutures anymore.