#ive had this specific image in my head for like three weeks im glad shes real

[tempest-teacups]

2024 YEAR OF THE GOOBER 💥💥💥💥💥

[gis-is-back]

THREE MONTHS

WHAT

HOW

What have I even been doing?????? like I know i log “every day” (in quotes because there was definitely a period when i had to catch up like a solid week in one day) but like what have i even been doing? (Off topic: this is kinda a motivation for like doing good things for yourself e.g. eating healthy, exercising, whatever because god damn the time is going to fly by anyway so like why not set yourself up for success so you can look back and be like woah all I had to do was that????? and now I’m here and I’m healthy and I’ve developed good habits???? It was that easy?? ok i guess we’re gonna keep going in the parentheses because en fait thats what i HAVE been doing!!! Bitch is eating right and counting calories and getting her mf STEPS in BOY) oh wow we’re out of the parentheses finally. Can you tell im like high on endorphins or something? ok so lemme hole up and figure out what I usually write in these month posts ill brb. I know i was not happy during the two month one, ok brb for real this time. 

Aight! So! bitch was definitely feeling bummed. And iirc I felt that way ab france until vic left BORDEAUX so a solid couple weeks. the trip with the girls was AMAZING like seriously exactly what i needed and (oh thats where the time went/what Ive been doing lol problem solved) it went by SO FAST. I’m talking a) I was tripping ab how it was already over and b) I’m still tripping about how its already been two weeks since it ended?? but yeah the time flies when ur having the most fun youve ever had in the last three months saying is real. but yeah I was bummed until vic left and i can definitely say that if she hadn’t have come to bordeaux I would probably still feel that way (to an extent). I had been living under EXTREME self-restriction in terms of spending money and eating out (one and the same lol). But when she came here obvi we had to go out to eat and she like opened up this new aspect of Bordeaux that I had never really gotten to enjoy. I needed to relax and just live, spend the money, eat the food, participate in the city and all it offers. The other aspect she helped me in is not feeling so insecure about language. I would feel a lot of pressure to speak french only and that it was taboo to speak english but while she was here it kinda dawned on me that they didnt know english and they were actually intimidated by ME. Sometimes. idk. but that was another aspect I got to relax about. 

Then suddenly she leaves and im okay! I just do what I want! I’m living a more balanced (ok not RNRN cuz I’m eating out all the damn time but we can pretend (not pretend because its real) that i’m coming out of a deficit of not eating out) life. I’m doing gentle exercises and eating proper amounts and generally doing good things for myself. I do a lot by myself which I love but I’m also doing things with others. I have organized two trips with DAnielle that are coming up, and successfully one by myself! I’m going to Venice!!! I’ve really had a lovely past week because I’ve been doing so much with others, and i’m really beginning to enjoy myself here. I appreciate it when I’m busy (which is usually just me finding things to be busy with instead of actually having things to do) and I appreciate my down-time. I have no complaints about either. 

A couple weeks ago something clicked in me where I saw exactly where and what I wanted my life to look like and the path towards it lit up. I wrote about it in one of my daily posts. But as the days go one some of it seems more certain than others, specifically on a relationship level. Some days I feel like I know exactly what I want and that I should go get it and some days I feel like I have time and it would be interesting to see how i’d do on my own and to see what might happen. I have a lot of choices in life and I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be an active decider in my fate that might bring about regret or if I should be pleasantly surprised with what life brings before me. But either of those could go the other way as well. I suppose the only truth is that I’m only 20 and i have time.

Something I’ve been struggling with is absorbing my experiences. I feel like I’m supposed to have some internal “click” in which I can take a mental image of the sights, sounds, emotions, etc. everything about a moment. Like when I saw Big Ben or when I saw mf STONEHENGE it was like “HELLO THIS IS HAPPENING TO YOU IN REAL TIME RIGHT NOWWWWWWWW”. I guess that comes with high expectations? but even for a moment when I was just hanging out with Vic and Kayla it was just like “this is going to end, are you in the moment? are you fully aware of whats happening?”. I could not get that thought out of the back of my head and I had it until the literal moment vic stepped on the bus to take her to the airport. I even looked back when I walked away to get a last glimpse like “thats the moment you’d been thinking about since you saw her for the first time in 4 months”. Kinda depressing. And then the same thing starts happening with everyday actions. The meal you’re eating will be over, you will walk to school and suddenly you’ll be there, your 9:30-7:30 day will end. Life is just going and I’m not sure how to realize it. But i guess the only response is that this is inherently a PART of life: the watching it go. I can’t keep food in my mouth forever, I can’t walk in place and never reach my destination, I can’t be stuck in a day. it always goes on and that’s part of the experience. The bad days will be over just as quickly as the good ones and you exchange your time for memories. Which is why I’m so glad I’m documenting as much as I can. We are so lucky to exist in an age where we can take pictures and videos, and I can chapter my life with different albums and songs so as to be taken back whenever I listen to a certain song. Like I used to listen to one album on repeat for my first month here and whenever I listen to one of the songs from it I am actually placed back in time. its really quite amazing and a GREAT solution for my dilemma.

But yeah! That’s how I’ve been feeling lately, I guess i’m really liking my time here (is it the city itself or my freedom? Month four Giselle will have to answer that). Hopes for the next 30 days: I dont die (if I do I love you all and I know how much you love me, wow thats morbid is this a bad idea? am I manifesting negative events into my life?????? I hope not!), I get that internship, I get into that mf class, I pass my finals, I eat everywhere I wanted to in BDX, I start seeing my face slim down, I have a good time!!! ok PEACE