#ive only reacted this way to actual verbal teases | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ppersonna · 4 years

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make me - myg | m

strawberries on a summer evenin'. baby, you're the end of June. i want your belly and that summer feelin', getting washed away in you - watermelon sugar, harry styles

↳ summary- an ordinary sleepover with your best friend turns into anything but ordinary, thanks to your ridiculously loud neighbors above you.

↳ rating- explicit / 18+ / nc17

↳ word count- 4.4k

↳ pairing- yoongi x reader

↳ genre- pwp lol, smut, fluff, somehow the dirtiest fluff i have ever written bc there’s some depraved shit in here

↳ warnings- penetrative sex, oral sex (m/f receiving), unprotected sex (dont...pls), dirty talk, rough sex, degrading talk, dom/sub undertones, bratty backtalk

↳ a/n- yooooo dawg this... was fun. i hope you enjoy!! ive been in my yoongi feels lately uwu. feel free to comment, message, dm, whatever u want babes. i love you!

Yoongi thinks if he has to hear your upstairs neighbors fuck for another minute longer he might actually go crazy.

It’s been hours now. The girl is screaming like a feral cat and the man is doing a terrible impression of a porn star, trying his best to talk dirty but really just calling the howling banshee awful names.

If only his dick would be as annoyed as his brain.

He knows you’re awake next to him too. The steady rise and fall of your breathing changed when the bad porn above you began—now it’s faint and too quick to indicate anything but your wakefulness.

“Ohhhhh oppa!” The girl above you screams.

It’s finally what breaks down the silence in your bedroom. At her wanton sound, you and Yoongi are unable to stop yourselves from bursting into laughter.

Yoongi’s stomach hurts from laughing so hard. Tears form at the corners of his eyes as you make the bed rumble from the force of your combined laughter.

“God, do they think that sounds hot?” You finally ask after settling down to mere giggles.

Yoongi shrugs and wipes away his tears. “Apparently. He must like the way she sounds like a dying cat.”

His comment sends you into a spiral of laughter again, and you’re clinging to your chest as it heaves with exertion.

Yoongi is your best friend for a reason. No one makes you laugh as hard as he does. No one understands you the way he seems to be able to—it’s almost intuitive the way he can understand your feelings.

You live for your weekly sleepovers. You drink wine, watch terrible horror films, gossip about your other friend’s love lives, and fall asleep in your bed together. It’s never been anything but blissful.

Until recently…

When your heart decided it would beat too fast around him. When your brain decided to spin and weave stories of romance with your best friend.

Now, you can’t hardly think about anything else around the dirty blonde haired boy. It’s overwhelming to all of your senses when you see him, feel him near you. You want to kiss him, to love him, to tear his clothing off.

Which makes lying in your full size bed while the neighbors above you fuck and attempt to act out their wildest fantasies—badly—so much harder than usual.

“God,” Yoongi sighs and tugs the blanket up to his chin. “Does she even like it or do you think she’s faking it?”

You wrinkle your nose in disgust. “Ugh, I know I wouldn’t be into it.”

“You don’t like dirty talk?” He teases with a poke to your stomach. It makes an eruption of nerves go off in your chest.

“Oh, no I do. But that’s not dirty talk,” you shrug. “He’s just being mean. There’s no sensuality underneath it.”

He hums and lays back down to stare at the ceiling.

“Give me an example,” he asks of you. It makes your cheeks flush red and you’re thankful for the darkness in your room to provide you cover.

“Um, well,” you cough awkwardly. “He’s saying shit like ‘you fuck anything don’t you?’ which, maybe she’s into degradation, but I’m not. Not that extreme.” Your explanation sounds lame, but you continue anyway. “I prefer to hear things like ‘this slutty little pussy belongs to me’. Possessive and hot at the same time without being too...uhh...hurtful.”

Yoongi feels his cock rise with piquing interest. There’s a nagging guilt about thinking of his best friend this way, and a tinge of jealousy thinking someone who isn’t him has said that to you.

He feels his throat dry up, and you wring your hands nervously on the blanket. The moaning above you doesn’t stop, and you can hear the telltale sound of flesh slapping on flesh, indicating they’ve commenced into penetration and it makes your body throb with annoyance, and with want.

There’s moments when a louder slap echoes through the room—it’s clear the man is slapping her somewhere—and she whines desperately. Your core starts building that familiar heat, a slickness gathering you can’t stop. You press your thighs together tight and squirm as subtly as you can. You pray Yoongi doesn’t notice.

Yoongi, however, does notice. He breathes a sigh of relief internally knowing he’s not the only being affected by the commotion above. But he doesn’t understand the meaning behind it. For all he knows, you’re just turned on because—well, because it’s sex and it’s loud and who wouldn’t be a little turned on? You’re likely not at all aroused by him, or the thought of him. Right?

Another slap echoes through the room and you can tell by the way the girl gasps that her partner slapped her in the face.

“Damn,” you shiver. Yoongi turns to peek at you through the darkness.

“You into that?” He asks curiously. “Face slapping?”

It’s hard to swallow for a moment—it feels like you’re trying to down a boulder.

“Uh, yeah,” you whisper. “Yeah, I like pain.”

Yoongi doesn’t reply and it makes you fear you’ve overstepped the line. You’ve gone too far off the ‘best friend’ track and the whole train is about to de-rail.

You’re opening your mouth to apologize for taking it too far when Yoongi finally speaks.

“Fuck it,” he sighs. “You want to fuck louder and establish dominance?”

The world stops turning. You’re sure that gravity doesn’t exist anymore and the theory of relativity has been proven wrong.

Did Min mother fucking Yoongi, your best friend of over twenty years, just offer to have sex with you to...establish dominance over the neighbors above you attempting to make a cheap porn?

He’s looking at you normally, but there’s a glimmer in his eye that says more. It says he wants you. Your stomach twists in on itself. There’s no way, there is no actual plausible way that the man beside you feels the same way about you as you do.

“You want to have sex with me?”

Yoongi’s cheeks turn pink and he looks away for a minute.

“I also want to date you,” he murmurs.

If you thought the world ended before, you’re sure this is the fiery explosion that brings a new earth into life with a bang.

The noises from upstairs interrupt the romantic moment with a scream, a guttural howl from the man, and then muffled whispers and sighs.

“What do you say we keep them up all night too?” His mouth turns to a smirk as he awaits your reply.

“Yeah,” you nod as you throw the blankets off you. “Fuck those guys, lets show them what real kinky sex looks like.”

Yoongi’s eyes turn feral as he works his eyesight down your body. Your normal sleepwear outfit of a tank top and shorts looks like lingerie to him now and he’s salivating at the way he can see the curve of your breasts, and the press of your hard nipples against the fabric.

You’re throwing yourself onto Yoongi’s body in an instant, pinning him down to the bed and pressing your lips to his. You waste no time in waiting for him now that you know—now that you’ve heard with your two ears that Min Yoongi not only wants to fuck you, but date you as well. No use wasting any more time—the time for action is now.

The kiss is hot and Yoongi’s hands falter for a moment in surprise before he’s coming to his senses and tugging at your tank top quickly to pull it off your body. His hands feel hot on the bare skin of your back, rubbing at your spine and up to your shoulders. It makes you shiver, and you slide your tongue into his mouth to explore the heat inside.

His hands navigate forward to cup your breasts, fingers toying with your nipples—pinching and pulling and rolling between the pads of his fingers. It has you keening into his touch and grinding down on his basketball-shorts-covered cock.

Yoongi pulls away from you and pulls at a nipple harshly, which makes you gasp out loud.

“It’s real cute how you think you’re in charge right now,” he points out. “Real fucking cute. It’s gonna make me almost feel bad for punishing you.”

You’re sure your soul is going to leave your body at hearing your best friend’s sexy baritone voice verbalize your dirtiest fantasies. If this is how you react now…, may God have mercy on your poor little pussy.

Yoongi thinks he’s possibly never been harder than he is right now. His best friend, best girl, is sitting atop his boner and he’s twisting your pretty nipples so hard they’ll surely turn purple soon. You sound so sweet when you whine, and you’re starting to whine louder as he continues the pressure on your tits.

“You thought you could take control, didn’t you?” He asks, slipping further and further into the dominant act. He loves this, thrives off it. He didn’t think you’d ever be into it—none of the girls he’s dated before have—and he’s thrilled he doesn’t have to hide this depraved part of himself.

You nod and bite your lip, wincing as he tugs once more on a nipple before letting go.

“Cute,” he sighs. “But wrong.”

In an instant, he flips you two over and he feels his heart and cock swell at the sight of your sweet eyes widening at the quick change.

“This feels better, don’t you think?” He asks. You nod and he shakes his head. “Answer me, baby doll. You’re already about to get punished. You wouldn’t want to make me not let you cum, would you?”

The fear in your eyes increases and you clear your throat to talk.

“No sir, I don’t want that.”

Yoongi nearly moans. Hearing you call him sir, being underneath him—it’s his wet dreams come to life.

“Then tell me,” he instructs. “Tell me you need me in charge.”

You’re dying to be a brat, really wanting to pull Yoongi completely out of his shell, show him the full extent of what he can do to you. Plus, you really wanna give your neighbors a show—a taste of their own medicine, don’t you?

“What if I don’t want to?” You tease.

Yoongi’s grin turns wider and his eyes sparkle with knowing. He’s a through and through brat-tamer, and by the end of the night you’ll be crying for forgiveness.

“Little tease,” he growls as he leans down to latch his mouth on your abused nipple.

You gasp out loud, and it turns into desperate mewling as his teeth nibble and pull. You’ll be bruised up for days, surely. He sucks hard, pulls on it roughly and bites with meaning. You just know your panties are completely soaked.

“Talking back to me, huh? You think that’s going to get you where you want to go tonight, little girl?”

He turns his attention to your other nipple, eyes peering into yours as you struggle to answer with the sizzle of pain in your breast.

“What are you gonna do about it?” You send back with a shake of your hips under him.

The growl he delivers around your nipple and the quick bite makes you yelp.

“I think I should shut that loud mouth of yours up.”

You smile in response and his fingers tug down your shorts. You lift your hips and allow him to pull the clothing off and you’re left in your slicked up panties.

“Oh yeah?” You retort. “You gonna shut me up with that fat cock?”

Yoongi visibly shivers. His spine tingles deliciously for minutes after the hair on his neck settles. He’s dreamed of you like this, under him and begging to be put in your place. And now, here you are. And he can’t wait to make it a reality. He’s even forgotten about the loud neighbors. It’s now just all about you.

“I bet you’d like that, wouldn’t you? Dirty little slut so horny to get her mouth on my cock.”

Yoongi allows a finger to trail down your clothed slit, and he outwardly groans at how wet you are. You’re unable to hold back your whimpers of need—he’s so close to where you need him most and where you’ve dreamed of having him.

“You talk a big game for someone who’s drenched before I’ve even done anything,” Yoongi says with a smirk.

Your legs tremble as he pulls your panties to the side to expose your drenched folds. He dips a finger in and touches your clit. You moan in unison—he’s captivated by the heat and slick, you’re feeling air escape your lungs with every swirl of his finger.

“Y-Yoongi,” you whine. He tsks and pulls his finger out.

“That’s not my name right now.” His hands start to slide your panties down and your stomach leaps with excitement.

“Sir, please.”

“Now you want to be my good girl?” He asks with a chuckle. “Where’s my mouthy little brat who wants my cock to shut her up?”

He leans back on his heels and watches you eye him. You’re nearly bursting at the seams. You’re naked while he remains completely clothed and while you’d normally feel exposed and vulnerable, all you feel is white hot heat. You’re burning for Yoongi, for him to do what you’ve dreamt he could do.

“Why don’t you show me what that sweet mouth can do?”

He maneuvers to stand at the side of the bed, dick straining against the mesh of his shorts. He waits for you to sit up, which you wordlessly obey. His cock is now eye level with you, and your mouth feels dry. You’ve dreamt about this dick, about what it looks like and how it would feel in your hand, inside you. The fact that you’re here now, about to find out all your secret fantasies is heady.

Your hand rubs at the straining material, over the thickness of his cock. He feels big, and you give it a squeeze which makes him hiss.

“Still being a tease,” he sighs with faux disappointment. “You’re in a precarious position to be such a little cocktease. Might need to fuck that right out of you.”

It makes you whimper—his direct threats sounding like smooth promises going straight to your core.

“I’d like to see you try.”

Yoongi growls and grabs a bit of your hair, tugging your head back to look at him in the eyes.

“I think you should shut this fucking mouth up.” His voice is dark, and his eyes glow with lust.

A grin pulls over your face as you gaze sweetly up at him—his hand still gripped tight in your hair.

“Make me.”

Yoongi is silent for a moment as he stares at you in wonder—his beautiful girl, so rebellious and yet so willing to comply.

“I fucking love you, you little fucking slut.”

Yoongi forces his shorts down and grips your chin, holding it hard in his hand.

“Now choke on my fucking cock.”

You open your mouth complacently and he wastes no time in shoving his entire length down your throat mercilessly.

It’s hot. It feels like fucking heaven. Your lips wrap around him and suction and he can feel your gag reflex straining against his tip at the back of your throat. Yoongi thinks his entire spine is tingling with desire for you and the way you take his cock so well has his toes curling.

You didn’t even get to have a good look at Yoongi’s cock before it was shoved into your throat, but now that it’s there you don’t even need to see it to knows he is fucking thick and long. It stretches your mouth and you know your pussy will be taken to its limit when he finally buries himself inside you where he rightfully belongs.

“Can’t talk back now, can you?” He teases as he begins to fuck your throat. “Mmmm shit—, you suck my cock so fucking good.”

His words are nothing but encouragement for you and you fight back the growing discomfort in your throat and allow him to use it as he pleases. Tears form in your eyes and slip down your face at the exertion and you soon feel his balls slap at your chin. You’ve only fantasized of being used like this by Yoongi, and now it’s actually fucking happening. You’ll be damned if you don’t give him the suck of a lifetime.

Yoongi thinks he’s staring into heaven as he fucks your tight mouth and watches as your eyes fill with tears. They leak out and he knows you’re loving this just as much as he is by the palpable enthusiasm you accept his cock with.

“Look at my little brat,” he coos mockingly. “Not so big and brave now, are you? Not with daddy’s cock wrecking your hot mouth.”

He picks up the pace and the sounds turn disgustingly lewd. It’s a wet, slurping sound as Yoongi forces his cock in and out of your drooling mouth. Saliva drips onto the bed below you as you take him all, never given a chance to breathe or swallow. Yoongi takes and you selflessly give. You’d allow the man to split you in half—and you’re actively hoping he does just that tonight.

Suddenly, Yoongi is pulling out of your mouth and leaving you panting and keening for more. He grips his cock with a fist. He strokes himself roughly and looks down at you.

“Gonna cum, baby girl. Fucking beg for it.”

Your hands grip at his thighs and you’re breathing hard to catch up on the oxygen you were denied. But it doesn’t stop you from doing exactly as he orders.

“Please, daddy. Please cum on my face. Let me taste your cum, I want to know what you taste like. Cum on me. Mark me, daddy.”

Yoongi whines and increases the speed of his pumps. His mouth falls open as he watches you pout so sweetly and wait so eagerly for his seed on your face. He wants to see your entire body covered in his cum and he plans on ensuring that happens sooner rather than later.

“My eager little bitch. Wants her daddy to mark his territory.”

You nod, tongue sticking out and wagging like a dog for his cum.

“Please, daddy. Make me messy.”

It seems to be the secret password to Yoongi’s climax. Your desperation, your eager position, the way you beg so sweetly. It sends him right over the edge and he cries out as his cock pulses white stripes over your pretty face.

He wishes he could take a picture of the way his cum covers your face. He’d make it his background photo so he could see it every day, show everyone around him the gorgeous little whore he gets to cum on every night.

“Shit, babygirl,” he groans as he attempts to catch his breath. “Look at you.”

You smile as your tongue retreats into your mouth and you savor the drops that landed on your tongue. Your eyes close in bliss as you enjoy the flavor, noting it tastes salty and sweet and you can’t wait to reacquaint yourself with the taste over and over again.

“Lay back,” he orders as he pushes his shorts all the way off.

In his haste to fuck your throat, he only pushed them halfway. He slips out of them and pulls his shirt off before he joins you on the bed.

“Let me drink this cunt.”

You whimper in agreement as you press your back in to the pillows and spread open your legs.

“Please, daddy.”

He grins as he lowers himself to lie between your legs. He blows on it, cool air pushing over your folds chilling you.

“Fuck,” he sighs. “Greedy little cunt wants it all, hm?”

“Yes, daddy.”

“So compliant for me now,” he whispers as he kisses your thighs. “I like it when you behave.”

He kisses in further, and soon he’s using his fingers to spread apart the folds and pressing the flat of his tongue to your clit and laving it over the aching nub.

“Holy shit,” he groans as he comes up and sucks his tongue back into his mouth. “Sweetest little pussy.”

You can’t reply, the capability to speak has left you now. He buries his face back into your cunt and gets to work. His tongue starts flicking against the bundle of nerves and then dips down to fuck into your channel. He works his tongue around you and your back arches off the bed and your heels dig into the mattress. You seek purchase in his hair with your hands, digits gripping at the blonde locks between your thighs.

Yoongi groans and moans into your cunt, and soon he slips two fingers in to fuck you roughly.

He pulls his lips away and licks his tongue over them to collect the slick that lingers. His fingers maintain a quick pace and he drinks in the sight of you gasping at the stretch.

“Yeah, look at you take my fucking fingers. Such a wanton little whore for me.”

He slides another finger in to join, then another, and it makes your cries echo loudly around the room. He suddenly remembers the neighbors above you and smirks. He pulls his hands from you, making you keen with desire and desperately beg for more.

“Daddy! Please, I need..” you gasp. “Need you!”

He pulls himself up to join your hips together and rolls his them against each other. His cock rubs against your soaked pussy and he bites his lip at the feel of it getting slicked up.

“I want you to be nice and loud for me, baby girl,” he demands sweetly in your ear as he licks the shell. He notes your shiver and smirks, before kissing your ear lightly. “Tell those mother fuckers upstairs who’s going to take you to Hong Kong.”

“Yes, daddy,” you agree.

It only takes the consent to leave your lips for Yoongi to spear his cock into you. He’s not slow or gentle, he pushes it into the hilt immediately.

Yoongi meant to start a pace, to begin fucking into you mercilessly, but he’s frozen inside your tight heat. You feel so good, so fucking tight and warm and wet for him. It’s better than heaven, and surely better than any pussy he’s been inside before. Maybe it’s because it’s you, and no one else.

“Fuck!” He gasps. “Holy shit I could cum right now.”

You whine and move your hips desperately.

“Fuck me daddy! Fuck me hard, please! Use me like your little cock sleeve.”

Yoongi bites his lip and feels his cock pulse.

“Shit, you’ve got a dirty fucking mouth,” he grits. “Let’s see if you’ve got a dirty little pussy too.”

He sets a pace, desperately wills his cock not to cum yet. He wants to fuck you senseless, until your eyes roll back in your head. He’s gonna make sure you get off on his cock before he comes close to his end.

Yoongi grips your chin again, like he did at the beginning as he fucks into you roughly.

“Look at you take my fucking cock so deep,” he bites out. “Your cunt is so fucking desperate for my fat cock, isn’t it? You need me to fuck some discipline into you.”

You’re nearly screaming now at the force of his thrusts. He’s pushing all the way into you with each push and his balls smack against your ass deliciously. You’re babbling, words unable to make sense as he fucks all the brain cells out of you.

“Dumb little cock slut,” he whispers as he leans down to suck a nipple into his mouth and bite at it before releasing it “Little brat turns into a perfect little fuck hole for me, so fucking good for me.”

“Yes, y-y-yes baby! S-so close!”

Yoongi’s had you near the verge since his oral, and now with his punishing pace and power in his driving hips, you’re hovering over the edge.

His hand drops down to rub at your clit, a circular motion that has you gasping and screaming his name.

“That’s fucking right,” he breathes. “Tell them, baby. Tell them who’s got the best fucking cock. Tell them who fills this pussy up so well.”

You’re eager to comply.

“You, daddy! Fuck! You feel so fucking thick in me. I need your cum, please, please. Cum on me.”

Yoongi feels his balls tighten impossibly--he knows he’s seconds away from an explosive orgasm.

“Cum on my cock, baby girl. Let me feel you cream my fucking cock. Wanna see you all over this fat dick.”

His free hand tugs at a nipple and pulls it punishingly, tugging it so far it pulls the skin around it. Your screams light up the room, echoing and bouncing off the walls and surely traveling up to your neighbors bedroom.

“Yoongi! Fuck! I’m cumming!” You warn, a millisecond before your world crashes around you.

Your cunt squeezes his cock so tightly that it causes his hips to stutter in their pace. It grips him tight, angry like a squeezed fist and Yoongi feels the air get sucked out of his lungs as his climax follows directly after yours. He didn’t even have a chance to pull out--he’s emptying his load into your womb and whining at the feeling of your pulsating walls milking every single drop greedily.

It’s several minutes later that you’re both caught up to normal breathing and resting beside each other on the bed. The room is silent, save for little pants and breaths, and Yoongi reaches over to lace his fingers into yours and hold your hand tightly.

“You wanna date me?” He asks sweetly, as if his cum isn’t dripping out of your cunt as he speaks.

It makes you laugh. It’s so classically Yoongi that you can’t help but to laugh.

“Yes, daddy, I want to date you. I want to date you every single day.”

He pulls you into his embrace and kisses at your forehead.

“Maybe we should send your neighbors some flowers for getting us together,” he teases.

As if on cue, the all too familiar sound of skin slapping against skin and screeching moans comes from upstairs and plays through your apartment like an unwanted jukebox.

“God damn it, our plan backfired.” he grumbles. “I think we turned them on.”

You press your sticky, sweaty body against him and kiss at his lips. Your hand sneaks down to his cock and grips it again, begging it to come back to life.

“Shall we try again, then?”

#bts smut #bts fic #bts yoongi #bts suga #yoongi #yoongi smut #bangtanarmynet #heartsforbts #minthlynet #ficswithluv #ksmutclub #bangtan smut

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rottweilerrr · 6 years

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ROTTWEILER;

+ DOMESTIC ABUSE

I've already talked about this subject on several instances (especially regarding his co-dependent relationship with Mark, gender roles, personal boundaries and helping others, and a drabble describing his upbringing), but was recently reminded that I’ve actually never made a concise post about it, which is what I’m going to do now.

I. Rejection and withdrawal of parental affection

One of the most formative experiences of his early childhood is the lesson that seeking out people’s affection is not only unwelcome, but also punishable – be it emotionally (through intentionally hurting him, such as mocking, name-calling, insulting or humiliating him, and the latter especially and purposely in front of other people, or denying his existence altogether) or physically (such as pushing him away or slapping him, usually accompanied by some sort of verbal degradation as well).

Ultimately, this has lead to largely inhibited social behavior: He finds it difficult to form relationships (and especially friendships) and almost never approaches anyone first to do so, and if so, only very hesitantly. It also means that if he’s rejected once, there is little chance that he’s going to try again since it would mean exposing himself to the same kind of humiliation again. This especially applies to instances where the nature of the rejection resembles the examples above, regardless of whether or not it only happened in jest.

II. Susceptibility to further abuse

Now, exactly because he craves affection but at the same time knows that it is unattainable to him, he is not only incredibly sensitive to rejection (which evokes strong feelings of sadness, shame, despair and powerlessness), but also vulnerable to emotional manipulation and blackmail. In the past, this has lead to him being gaslighted repeatedly, most notably by his ex-girlfriend. She, among other things: used to constantly switch between dismissing and demeaning him and demanding affection, only to deny him said affection as soon as the initiative came from him, accused him of cheating while openly flirting with other men herself, “kept tabs” on him and insisted he let her see his phone, arguing that “if he didn’t have anything to hide, he wouldn’t have anything to worry about either”, spread rumors among his friends and acquaintances that he was either physically abusing her or otherwise involved in serious crimes, thus trying to alienate them from him and rally them against him, and lied about trivial things just to make him question his own perception.

After he finally broke up with her, she started harassing him via text and often called him drunk, insulted him on the phone and even showed up at the pub multiple times specifically to wear him down; he never did anything about it except changing his number.

His mother tends to fall into similar patterns, though less consciously so. Most of her aggression toward him started developing after her husband’s death when she found herself in the situation of having to raise a child all by herself that she was overwhelmed with to begin with.* And without his emotional support – and they were extremely close; the way they treated their children is not at all reflective of how they treated each other – and a child that she was, at this point, almost completely estranged from, things fell apart very quickly. In her own helplessness (and a good portion of denial that she and her husband were, in fact, largely responsible for the current situation), she eventually started shifting the blame of how he turned out on him and Mark, one of his few trusted people at that time, which alienated him even further.

After he moved out and contact ceased almost completely, she began clutching to him instead and often tried to enforce that by guilt-tripping him and generally making him feel bad for cutting ties (i.e. “How could you do this? I’m your mother!” or “I don’t have anyone else but you.”). Besides being highly manipulative, those attempts are not genuine either: She doesn’t want him to “come back” because she’s actually interested in making amends and rekindling their relationship, but to keep face. Additionally, she expects financial advantages from staying in touch: There have been several instances where she called him under the pretense of just wanting to chat, but then subsequently asked for money and immediately turned on him once he turned her down or said that he couldn’t spare anything right now (and mind you, he’s still in debt, too).

The outcome of those events is almost always the same: Either he doesn’t defend himself at all or he simply tries to shuffle himself out of the situation, usually by hanging up or leaving the house. There have only been very few instances where the situation actually escalated into a legitimate fight, which raises the question how and why he reacts to certain things in the way that he does.

III. Fight or flight?

Though previous elaborations might indicate otherwise, his passivity in cases like the above (post-breakup and post-moving out) does not stem from the hope that they will change or maybe still like him back if he only behaves compliant enough, but from the conviction that “there is simply nothing to be done about it” as help outside of his own capabilities virtually does not exist. If you cannot help yourself, it cannot be helped at all. This also means that there is no one you can really trust or rely on but yourself, which most significantly shows in the way that he often does not make the distinction between mocking or teasing someone in jest and doing so in earnest. Due to his experiences, he interprets both as “saying one thing but doing the other” and acts according to it. (Though it needs to be said that this primarily applies to people he doesn’t know well; he has a higher tolerance with those he actually considers his friends or feels comfortable around.) Hence his trust, as easily as it can be won through the right measures, can be lost again just as quickly.

Now, apart from either victory or defeat as a last consequence, his reaction to situations as described above (e.g. attempts at manipulating him, taking advantage of him or degrading him) varies strongly: It can range from silent withdrawal to avoid further hurt to open confrontation and aggression. But as a rule of thumb: The more he feels treated unfairly or attacked/provoked out of the blue (particularly by someone he doesn’t know well), the more likely he is to defend his boundaries and/or demand respect by lashing out. However, this usually happens gradually and follows a very specific pattern:

Verbal confrontation: He reacts to the seeming unfairness or provocation either by mirroring it (= retaliation) or by pointing it out (= defense), whereas it may vary how obviously or directly he does that; however, the more something actually gets to him, the louder or more agitated he tends to be. He’s not very subtle in this regard.

Threat and intimidation: Pretty self-explanatory: If you don’t stop, I’ll show you what happens and I guarantee you you won’t like it.

Physical intimidation: He’s a big guy and he knows it, so purposely overstepping people’s boundaries by physically invading their space (and thus giving them “a taste” of how it’d be to get into a physical fight with him) is one of his go-to tools when all else fails. He resorts to this very obviously here by literally leaning over their table and subsequently waving his hand into Ryan’s face, and here after Eggsy has gotten up from his chair and he makes it a point to not draw back.

Physical violence: The severity of usually depends on the other person’s disposition, on how big or strong they are, whether or not they are a skilled fighter and how much he expects them to fight back. Violence for violence’s sake is rare since his main goal is “to make them stop” – now and in the future, which can, in certain cases, lead to excessive violence should he be under the impression that this is the only way to achieve that goal.

This dichotomy between withdrawal (= avoiding conflict) and confrontation (= seeking out further conflict) is actually exemplary for how he tends to deal with conflict in general: it either does not get solved at all or it gets “solved” through violence, be it verbal or physical. And this is a learned behavior. This is how they used to handle conflict at home and this is how he and the people in his surroundings handled conflict later in life, which, unfortunately, also means that he has barely any conflict resolution skills apart from that. It is incredibly difficult for him to just “talk things out” or even explain what bothers him, particularly so since he’s not used to actually being taken seriously in his needs or concerns.

IV. Passing on the abuse

As I’ve already mentioned in II. and this meme, Rottweiler has a very strong mindset of “If you do not help yourself, no one will”, and combined with the experience that you have to fight for everything lest it will be taken from you,** this can result in situations that are difficult to understand from an outside view.

a) Refusing to help

With the exception of his close friends (Gina, Donald, Poodle) and individuals who cannot properly defend themselves (children, animals), he does come to anyone’s aid despite his own experiences. On the one hand, this has to do with the overall attitude that it is better to not stick your nose into other people’s business or it might fall back on you, but also, and more importantly, with the fact that admitting that you not only need help sometimes but are worthy of receiving it, too, would mean acknowledging the actual extent of his own abuse and the injustices he’s faced.

And considering that he’s built his entire reasoning on those two principles – you are alone and responsible for your own misery – he literally cannot do that without a catastrophic loss of meaning in and of his life. Not to mention that it would increase already existing feelings of helplessness and powerlessness, which would make him feel at other people’s mercy even more.

Eventually, this is why his attitude toward Michelle and Eggsy on the one hand and (canon age) Daisy on the other is so vastly different: he considers them “old enough to take care of themselves” and if they fail to do so, then that’s their own fault. Which is the complete opposite of his stance toward Daisy, who he’d help in a heartbeat if she were to face the same abuse as Michelle and Eggsy.

b) Trauma and abuse

Apart from the matters already discussed, there are other things that “trigger” traumatic events (respectively the memory thereof) and that he often tries to fight in a way that may be considered abusive as well but that he fails to recognize as such:

Avoiding him for no apparent reason (applicable only to people he actually sees more or less regularly): Evokes the same negative feelings as rejection and tends to spill over into aggression quickly if he’s already on difficult terms with the person in concern. His solution usually consists of an attempt to force them into acknowledging his presence and/or telling him why he’s being shunned (i.e. confronting them when they’re alone, chatting them up even though it’s clear they do not want to talk to him, generally seeking out their company), which, at least with other men, is prone to escalate into physical violence.

Not looking at him and/or ignoring him when he’s talking to you: (see above).

Talking over him: (see above, though here the factor “disrespect” plays into it more strongly, so he tends to get angry rather than sad).

Touching him against his will: He doesn’t mind being touched even without his permission – he actually enjoys physical contact a lot, platonic or not –, but he gets incredibly angry when people do it after he’s already told them no.

In regards to the first two, this cycle of abuse is best broken not by telling him off, but by telling him off and why you do not wish to associate with him (even if its not actually the truth, he’s not going to question it anyway): It’s the uncertainty about people’s motives and intentions that makes him bounce off the walls, not the fact that somebody doesn’t like him. So if he knows what’s going on, there is no reason for him to insist on his previous behavior, either. In fact, it is best to be very straightforward with him in general as he tends to struggle with picking up certain social clues.

V. Social isolation and picking up clues

Whereas Rottweiler is good at recognizing people’s moods, he’s significantly less skilled at recognizing the cause of said moods. The reason for this has, again, to do with the environment he grew up in, which demanded being able to see what mood people were in in order to avoid conflict, but at the same time made it difficult to grasp why people were in that mood to begin with – there was simply no one who actually talked about those things, so he was left in the dark about why people did what they did. On top of that, he was, for pretty much the entirety of his childhood and teens, extremely isolated from people outside of his own neglecting family, which impacted the development of proper social skills even further. It is still difficult for him up to this day to identify and distinguish the nuances of interpersonal relationships and interactions. Or put differently: If you want him to understand you, tell him clearly instead of dropping hints.

VI. Last but not least: Displaying affection and other random facts

As inhibited as he may be in the beginning, he’s actually very affectionate and open with his feelings once he’s sure that they are being returned; he loves showing people that he likes them and that they are important to him, regardless of whether or not it’s only platonic. On the flipside, I doubt he’d mesh well with someone who doesn’t like that at all.

He doesn’t smile much, though, let alone laugh, and it takes a lot to make him so. It is therefore a bad index of whether or not he’s having fun or enjoying the current situation, so you might need to read between the lines.

He’s actually not jealous and trying to make him so tends to alienate him instead, as it resembles too much known patterns of emotional manipulation.

Similarly, teasing doesn’t really work, sexual or not. It has so be VERY obvious or with someone he actually expects this kind of behavior from for him to “get it” and maybe play along.

He doesn’t hold grudges. His mother and the two guys who got Sheila killed are the only ones he’ll never forgive. Maybe the kids who bullied him in school, too.

Having grown up in a both emotionally and physically violent environment where violence had exclusively negative connotations, he is very averse to any play-pretend of it, too. He may be kinky otherwise, but BDSM is not up his alley at all.

* Though there was personal selfishness playing into this (i.e. putting their own interests and needs above the ones of their child as the rule and not the exception, generally failing to acknowledge that they are not only responsible for this child existing altogether, but also have the duty to take care of it – or at least make sure someone else is –, hence treating it like a nuisance and very much making this known to him as well), they were also both in a state of lethargy and apathy even before they had children (which, by the way, were both unplanned). At least his mother was/is in serious debt pretty much since her early twenties and his father not only had frequent health issues (mostly due to smoking and drinking excessively for the better part of his life), but probably also got into trouble with the law more than once. On top of that, they generally struggled with getting by and everything that comes with living on the breadline, which made it even more difficult and personally taxing to look after someone who isn’t them.

** Especially during his early childhood, he has made the experience that everything can and will possibly be taken from you: They got seized multiple times due to his parents’ horrendous debt and simply not paying their bills and his mother pawned his Christmas presents and other of his belongings more than once. Additionally, the police showing up at their house was not only a frequent occurrence but also an incredibly invasive and terrifying one, even though he probably doesn’t even fully grasp that himself. Them eventually taking his dog and putting her down was just the final straw.

#❛ criminal record. ⤿ headcanons #very long but very important.#domestic abuse tw #abuse tw #violence tw

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vortexlnfinitum · 4 years

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ramblings about theo yeeee

01. What does your character’s name mean? Did you pick it for the symbolism, or did you just like the way it sounded?

- licherally the only reason i picked the name theodor is because its cartman’s middle name (theodore with an e tho) and i liked how it sounded😔 i just wanted an oc named theo. victor comes from victor frankenstein, another (now horror related!) name ive liked. wolfram is obvs reference to him being a werewolf, and since i had “german names” theme with him and his siblings, i took a lil help from googl to find german surname that had wolf in it lol.

02. What is one of your character’s biggest insecurities? Are they able to hide it easily or can others easily exploit this weakness?

- missing tail. feels “incomplete” as a werewolf, doesnt feel like he fits in with his family. its a bit shallow insecurity of his, but really its more than that to him. obvs not hideable.

03. What would be their favorite physical trait about themselves?

- prolly his arm muscles.

04. What are their favorite traits about their lover? (one psychological and one physical)

- his kindness and his eyes :3c

05. Are they sexually confident or more of the shy type?

- oh definitely more confident type.

06. Do they have any hobbies that their lover finds unusual, odd, or otherwise annoying?

- uhhhhhhh, idk? not rly ig?

07. Is there a catchphrase or sound that they tend to make a lot (likely without being aware of it)?

- does a lil growl when annoyed. awoo habit.

08. What is, perhaps, their biggest flaw? Are they aware of this or oblivious to it?

- used to be more selfish, but things happened, had to take care of his family. is still a bit selfish, but not as much as he used to.

09. Do they have a favorite season? What about a favorite holiday?

- winter, dislikes hot weather. doesnt rly have any favorite holidays.

10. Is your character more feminine or masculine?

- masc.

11. What is something that would make your character fly into a rage?

- hurting his younger siblings, especially robin.

12. Is there some particular talent, skill, or attribute that they simply could not give up?

- uhmmm uuuhhhh, s-sports??? IDK SDHFH.... he likes to be in shape.

13. What are your character’s sleeping habits? Heavy or light sleeper? Blanket stealer? One that always rolls onto the floor? Pushes their lover onto the floor? Sleep talker or walker?

- light sleeper, wakes up easily. peaceful sleeper, but takes a lot of space.

14. Do they live alone or with family? How do they feel about their family/roommates?

- oh boy. during his teenage years he rarely spent any time at home. mostly just slept there, but other than that, his family never really saw him. during college years he was roommates with his friends diego, markus and toby. partied a lot with diego and markus, much to toby’s annoyance. all in all theo loved living with his best friends for few years. after theo’s parents died, he now had to spent more time at home so his siblings would stay together and grow up together in the same houshold. this time was a bit hectic to theo, lots of bad stuff happened all at once, but he did his best for his siblings, since they had no one else to rely on. during this time he started to reconnect with his siblings more and was (and still is) very protective of them. one of his younger siblings started dating a vampire (theo has a...beef with vampires), and he was against it at first. hearing about the vampire’s family situation he, hesitantly, agreeded that he could stay at their house. actually grew up to love the vampire like his own younger siblings. they still bicker time to time. after all of his siblings moved out (when they were old enough), he started living with his husband and their two kids. loves all of them very dearly and wouldnt change his life to anything.

15. Is there a certain person in this world that they cannot stand? The very mention of this person’s name makes them tremble with anger or fear.

- (used to be) mr. dracula, sir. used to fight with the guy during their school years. also theo got dracula’s at-the-time gf to sleep with him. dracula wasnt happy about it. years later tho dracula married one of theo’s closest friends and nowdays they’re in better terms.

16. Is your character the athletic type or more of a couch potato? What are some sports/games that they like?

- athletic! loves sports! any kind really! is especially keen on running and lifting. also likes soccer.

17. Does your character have dreams of getting married and/or having children?

- You betcha! and his dreams got true thanks to one special lizardman.

18. What kind of home would they want to live in? Where would they place this abode?

- ive always pictured he was the one who stayed at his family’s house. it was a place he used to... well, hate is a strong word, dislike? After getting more responsible the place soon became very dear to him tho.

19. Would your character be the kind to get into fights? (physical or verbal) Would they be a good fighter or cave in rather easily?

- Used to get into physical fights during his teen/younger adult years. I’d say he’d be a good fighter, wouldnt give up easily, but has gotten his ass beaten few times too.

20. Does your character like animals? What are some of their favorite animals? Would they want pets? What about mythological creatures?

- well i mean. he /is/ an animal lol. kind of. doesnt really care for animals.

21. What is one of your character’s biggest fears? How would they react when dealing with this fear?

- losing people around him, especially his family/closest ones. actually lost his parents when he was 21, and he didnt take it well. it was hard time for him, didnt really have any time to mourn his parents. it was a touchy subject for him many years, if asked about it, hed avoid the question or try to change the subject.

22. What kind of tattoos, piercings, birthmarks, freckles, and other such unique physical features do they have?

- been thinking about giving him a tattoo, idk just what kind of yet.... other than that, i dont think he has any?? unique physical features.... missing tail lol.

23. What is your character like when it comes to school? What subjects are they good/bad at? Do they get in trouble a lot or are well behaved?

- ah, troublemaker. the only subjects he was good at were sports and home economics. only teacher who he respected was the school’s headmaster, mauno.

24. In their own words, how would your character describe what their lover is like?

- theo talks about him very softly or very hornily. two moods. lots of talking about his body. gsdfg. Talking about how kind and hard working he is! how beautiful he is inside and out and how he could get lost in his eyes forever. and how good he is in bed lool.

25. Is there something traumatic from your character’s past that greatly affects them even to this day?

- parents’ death. affected him for many years, but got over it/accepted it.

26. What is their lover like sexually? How do they feel about their lover’s quirks, needs, etc?

- hehe, inexperienced. theo finds it very cute, and teases him a lot about it.

27. If your character was going to get arrested, what would be the most likely reason for it?

- started a street fight or smthn hfhfs. lil vandalism mby.....

28. If your character became a celebrity, what would they be famous for?

- mmm, pro athlete......

29. What is one of the most courageous things your character has ever done for a loved one?

- litreally few time loops, no big deal.

30. When it comes to the arts (music, film, theater, etc), what does your character like?

- hm.... hes not rly artsy guy.. his sister plays drums tho, hes very encouraging of that!

31. Would your character be the kind capable of killing? Would they enjoy killing or only use it when necessary or, perhaps, refuse to kill no matter what?

- I think he’d be capable of killing. I mean, he’d have the strength for it. Wouldnt kill anyone tho nor would he enjoy it.

32. If your character’s lover offered to take them out on a dream date, what would they want to do?

- dinner date! either going out or make something special together.

33. If your character wanted to be alone, where would they go?

- hmm, younger years, maybe a bar. nowdays, idk! mindlessly going out for a jog mby!

34. Does your character have favorite foods? (breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert, snacks, etc)

- anything his husband makes.

35. Is your character afraid of death? If they got to choose how to die, how would they want to go?

- somewhat. sudden/unexpected deaths especially. if he got to choose, hed choose something peaceful and/or something thats not painful.

36. Does your character have any medical conditions? Are they serious or minor? Do they affect their day to day life?

- nope!

37. What are some of your character’s pet peeves? What are some things that annoy them or disgust them?

- eating mouth open. people interrupting him, but i think he sometimes is quilty of this too.

38. What kind of weather does your character like? Cloudy skies, rainy days, sunshine, etc?

- cloudy and cold. enjoys cold weather more.

39. When people look at your character, is there some assumption they might make about them just by appearance? Is that assumption correct?

- He has somewhat of a mean looking face. And he was this! He was a bit mean, bad boy during his teen years. Family life made him kinder.

40. Does your OC have any guilty pleasures they enjoy? Hobbies, past times, music, etc that they wouldn’t want known by others?

- hmm!!! i need to think of this, i dont think he has any rn, but i defo need to give him some.

41. Does your character’s family affect your character in any way?

- Spent so so many years avoiding them. When his youngest sister was born (when he was ~19) he started to reconnect with his family. And after his parents died, and he was left with five siblings to take care of, they became the most important thing in his life. hed do anything for them and he was super protective of them.

42. Is there anything in your character’s past that they regret, haunts them, or they wish they could change?

- ^ not being the “bad son” he was, and actually got to spent his younger years with his parents/family.

43. Does your character have a switch that changes aspects of their personality whether they are around friends, family, etc. Is there someone who gets to see their true self?

- Around his friends he’s more outgoing and kind of rebellious. playfights with them a lot. Around his siblings hes caring, responsible and kind. around his husband hes all of this.

44. Is there a particular event that would emotionally devastate your character?

- oh yknow. he has gone through it already.

45. Is your character the kind to hide their true emotions or do they wear their heart on their sleeve?

- used to hide them. still kind of does, but is more open with his husband and oldest younger sibling.

46. What is some random affectionate thing that your character always does to their lover?

- nuzzles him in bed. bites him a lot....

47. Is your character outgoing? Would they be the leader of the friend group, or the quiet one that gets dragged along?

- yes! very outgoing! and he is more of a leader type!

48. Is there anything in particular that would ignite your character’s jealousy? Or does your character not get envious?

- his friends lusting after his husband gshdfhd. Used to get very jealous when hearing about happy families.

49. What is something that your character has nightmares about? Are these frequent? Do they heavily affect your character’s mood?

- Maybe something involving his parents... them not being proud of him or smthn... Losing his family members. if these nightmare’s were to affect his mood, he’d be grumpier.

50. If your character confessed love to their crush, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc, what would they say?

- he did. he just. blurted it out, really straightforward. he was panicking and it was the last thing he wanted to say before losing the crush tm, so he did. ended up NOT losing him! yay!

#theo

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midnightluck · 7 years

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ive beenthinking about writing some marcoacesabo, but im struggling to get a feel for the characters or how they interact

You definitely should! If you’re ever thinking about writing something, always do it! The worst that can happen is you hate it and delete it, but even then you learn from it, right? I mean, I do. There’s so much I’ve started and hated, but then I think about why I hate it and try to not do that particular thing again.

But as far as advice goes, lol I’m the worst person to ask. I prefer to start with a plot, personally, because then the character interaction is already pretty determined–if we wanna end up here, he’s gotta talk to her who’s at this place with them, and then work up from there. Helpful, I know. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

As for the characters, well, keep in mind this is all subjective. And it got long, so I sure hope you wanted an essay! More in-depth under the cut, but tl;dr:

Ace is pretty even-tempered most days, hardworking, playful, polite, and likes to laugh. He reacts defensively and emotionally, doesn’t believe he’s worth loving, and cannot take a compliment well.

Sabo is very aware of everything he does, and says what he means and means what he says. He’s focused on duty and justice, reacts offensively and with overkill, and whatever’s going on? He’s probably, in some way, shape or form, the instigator.

Marco is quieter and more chill, and is very balanced. He has the weight of experience and authority behind him, and he’s careful not to abuse it. He reacts quietly and actually listens to things, likes the status quo, is mindful of consequences, and is willing to put himself at risk to fix things.

Ace is pretty easy, I think: his priorities go: his people -> adventure /proving he’s not his father -> his massive anger at everything -> his life -> other people. He is bright, strong, cheerful, polite, and happy with where he is. He used to be a little ball of anger and neurosis and is mildly better these days. Ace likes to joke and laugh and tease other people, and he can handle teasing, even if he might brood about it later, but honest complements are met with scorn or fluster, depending on how much he believes them. An easy way to win any argument with Ace is to compliment him and mean it, because he gets angry and embarrassed and stomps off.

He pays his debts and loves his brothers and is loyal beyond reason.I figure Ace rarely accepts people (he has to attempt a bit of murder, at minimum), but once he does, he accepts them truly and utterly and trusts them on an amazingly deep level for someone so scarred. So, his bros, his crew, Pops–he doesn’t care where they are or who they were or why, they’re his to protect and keeping any single one of them happy is of course worth more than his whole life. He’ll try to actively not die in bad situations, he has lots of stuff to do still! But if he did, well, whatever, that’s life, and if he saves/helps one of his, yeah, negative hesitation there. It’s not that he’s suicidal, he just doesn’t place much value on himself?

Sabo, on the other hand is clever. He is smart and cunning and strong and driven, and has an overdeveloped sense of duty and justice. He overthinks things and gets tangled up in his head when left alone, but for all that, he tends to prefer the simple solution and brute force. He’s reasonable and logical and rational, and is also entirely capable of throwing all that away when someone he loves is in danger.

He likes to tease and banter and poke people to see how they react. Sabo is also the one who will take things too far, because he knows exactly where the border is and either through burning anger or cold logic, he will trample all over it to get what he wants. He has a tendency to like things done correctly the first time. He knows the values and meanings of words and mostly uses them carefully, but in relaxation or happiness he spends them cheaply and easily.

The difference between Sabo and Ace, to keep in mind, is that Sabo reacts offensively while Ace reacts defensively. Verbally, if something hurts Sabo, he attacks back; if something hurts Ace, he retreats because what if it’s true. Ace will generally follow Sabo’s lead unless he’s emotional, and Sabo knows that and will back him up when that happens. They have a history between them, and a bond deeper than friendship, and even ten years of separation isn’t going to change that.

So. Marco. He’s patient and more experienced and the biggest brother of the biggest crew of children. He’s more even-tempered and calm, tries to be fair, and is more prone to trying to see things from other people’s perspectives. He’s known for his strength and his steadfastness, and because of that a lot of the time his family forgets he has weaknesses too. His father is sick and his family relies on him, and he’s operated under a lot of pressure and expectations for a long time. He’s become very practical because of this, and often has to be the voice of reason, no matter how fun or funny the idea would be.

He’s very much got himself into a routine. It’s a crazy routine, but it’s good, and his entire job is keeping that status quo. He’s always looking at the consequences and the bigger picture because the Whitebeard Pirates’ actions have worldwide consequences, and some days it feels like he’s the only one who cares.

Sabo and Marco might get along because they both think ahead. Sabo is more focused on his immediate group and planning to achieve goals, whereas Marco sees more how an action’s consequences will affect others. They can also share the exasperation of dealing with Ace’s unwillingness to do either, and they can share the quiet pain of being in love with someone who family-zoned them both. On the other hand, Sabo shares a history with Ace that Marco can’t touch, but Marco holds a position of respect and authority in Ace’s life that Sabo can’t hope to match.

Ace and Marco are actually really interesting, because we don’t actually see much of them interacting in canon? Marco brings Ace food and answers his questions during his murder spree, and Ace respects Marco for that, and for being open enough to claim a family and strong enough to keep it. Pops gave Ace a family, but Marco gave him a reason to accept it. And Marco sees in Ace a kind of young wonder, someone who got where they are through violence and darkness and can still take joy in the littlest things. So we don’t see much of Ace as part of the Whitebeards, but that’s what fic is for, right?

So, like, I hope this helps, even a bit. I tried to keep it general enough that it’s character based for canon or au, but probably failed. If it doesn’t help or you have specific questions or even just wanna hear more, just let me know! You may get more essays, but I will always ramble about my sunshine favorites if anyone is even remotely willing to listen.

#one piece #i need a better asks tag #sabo the revolutionary #portgas d. ace #marco the phoenix #uhhhhhhh #sorry for the long post #also sorry this took so long #character essays #ml rambles

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jess-oh · 6 years

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Reflection

hey journal!

i had a pretty good day today but it was all ruined so quickly.

i started the day by waking up late and so, i didnt meet linda in time at the fullerton red line stop at 8am this morning and i felt super bad but i chose to just take a lyft instead. i debated on training it up to jenny but by that time. i’d get to church by 10am and i wasnt sure if i would even make it in time so i just decided to take a lyft instead. i made a commitment to come early and although i would be very late, it was better to come a little early than not at all! and i had a good time talking with my lyft driver about church and my busy schedule anyway! and i think i’m getting the hang of finding the balance of listening intently and actually caring for others and sharing my own experiences. as of right now, ive been trying to not share about myself unless prompted to and i think it’s been working so far! im just afraid i’ll end up having a lot of pent up emotions that i never felt comfortable sharing and end up feeling miserable again. but hopefully it doesnt come to that and people just know to ask! but i saw josh, johnathan’s roommate, there again and that was really nice! i got to see amanda and johnathan and josh and p josh and i was glad. and i got to see some familiar faces! like david, austin, rachel, johnny, christine, daniel bang and more! and although, again, i am sad chelsea and angela were missing, im also relieved that they werent there bc i wasnt so afraid of being judged constantly. honestly, jason too. he was also missing and i felt kind of relieved bc although i know he means well when he teases me, it’s slowly spiraling into verbal abuse and i actually do get kind of hurt sometimes. i tend to shrug it off but like when he calls me a “dummy” when i learn about new information, i feel kind of bad. if i knew but forgot, then thats one thing and i know i deserve that. but i literally just found out. why does that warrant or mean im not smart in any way? i’ll probably confront him about it in the near future and as of right now, i do value him as a friend and we have had real, deep conversations with each other, which i do really value and appreciate. and i also dont think i have a real issue in telling him about how i feel. i have been wondering if he’s been wanting to check up on me since i cried when he told me about my flaws. but, he hasnt asked yet so i guess it’s whatever. but then again, we also havent seen each other in a while. it’s been what, two weeks, going on three weeks now? it does feel a bit weird. but then again, even missing just one sunday left me feeling like i’d been gone for such a long time! and though i was a bit stressed at first with the cross conference meeting and meeting so many new freshmen at once, i am really glad and grateful that i got to spend time with everyone today. i didnt pay too much attention to the cross conference meeting as my attention was divided elsewhere but it sounded good for the most part! it sounds like we’ll be selling calligraphy prints, doing a bake sale, and a benefit concert! im excited to see how it all goes! then, johnathan, amanda, p. josh and i went to the college room to prepare and pray over the meeting for the day and it was really nice to just be able to spend that time with them! p josh pitched a game, i couldnt think of anything better and neither could amanda or johnathan, so we just ran with it! johnathan was full of great ideas today, tbh! he had a lot of little afterthoughts that really contributed to the success of the icebreaker today! it was a bit awkward at first but all the freshmen seem to be really close and im excited to see how many of them stay and choose to invest in the community here! oh! i also prayed for the service today pretty on the spot! p josh legit texted me on my way to church and i sheepishly agreed to it. but i was really feeling the music today and my heart feels so much lighter and happier after having gone to vision camp over the weekend with amanda! so when i got up to the front, i tried to go over everything happening today during the service but more importantly, really tried to be real and genuine with the words that i said and i think that i did. and i later asked elsa if it was a good prayer and she said it was so i guess i did pretty well! ^_^ thank you for speaking through me today, God!

Then, i debated on whether or not to go back downtown or stay in Evanston and God made a way! it seemed like Amanda would go home and i felt bad ditching her and choosing to stay in Evanston and possibly spend time with the freshmen but they ended up not coming! haha. but instead, alex cho, austin, briefly d. bang, daniel kwon, yaeji, johnny, johnathan, p. josh, amanda, christine, and esther were there! and im really only “close” with amanda, p. josh, and johnathan but i think through the icebreaker and just studying together today really brought us all closer together! i held a few conversations with christine, i talked to austin about my client work, i joked around with johnny and the others, i gave my opinion to yaeji both while we were waiting at church and while we were studying and overall, i didnt feel very scared or nervous or pressured. i was just there and enjoyed the moment and the opportunity i got to spend with them. and im glad. i do really want to grow closer in my relationship with them all this coming year. and im hoping we can start through the EC retreat this weekend! im stressed beyond belief with all my responsibilities but im also starting to feel better and more optimistic! as i was typing this, jason randomly messaged me and it was just for a test but it meant a lot to me that he would even think of me to do that. i really hope he and angela are doing okay! i cant imagine how hard this must be for him to have his significant other attending a different church when he has been placed by God at lakeview. maybe it wasnt meant to be or maybe angela just needs to grow on her own apart from us. regardless of the reason, i hope shes doing well. but i also want to give her space bc i do feel partly responsible for why she left. at the end of the day, she was just bitter towards everything but i also didnt help the fact either. but i really do hope chelsea and angela are doing okay! i think the best thing i can do now is to just pray for them and lift them up! i want to genuinely care for them and put them first before myself. i know that i’ve been incredibly selfish and prideful in the past but i really do want to do better. i really do. and only by God’s strength may i do that!

But onto why I was so stressed out earlier. I walked back with Amanda to the train and then took that down with her for most of the ride. We got to know each other on a much deeper level and I want her to know that I will be there for her just as much as she has already been there for me! And I do really hope we can grow deeper in out relationship together. I asked her if she didnt mind sharing why she is such a people pleaser and i learned a lot about her through that! i just paid attention and listened intently and didn’t think of myself at all throughout it. i dont always need to give advice or respond. i just need to be there for her. and i was. so i did. i couldnt relate to her situation but i cared more that she could understand her thought process more than i did about sharing my own feelings. and it did really fill me with joy to do that! im glad we got to spend so much time together and can continue to spend more time together in the near future!

but anyways, she got off at monroe, which was fine, bc i was almost home anyway. BUT, i dont remember exactly where. i think around Roosevelt or maybe Sox-35th...these 4 kids got on and started acting pretty crazily. They were ripping the plastic screen protectors off the windows of the train and rolling them up. Presumably to use later but just to have fun, they started whacking each other with the pieces of plastic. and i was kinda shocked at myself for feeling somewhat paralyzed in the moment and scared. it wasnt bc they were black. it was just bc i didnt know what to do! i was afraid of how they would react or what they would do to me if i spoke up and said something! so instead, i just turned a blind eye and did my best to focus my attention elsewhere and simply look out the window! and i did almost get hit when 2 of the kids were hitting each other on opposing sides of the window and i think thats when the kid next to me noticed me. he was probably about 8 or so years old. he was definitely a child while the others were a bit older ranging from 8-16. but as i tried to politely leave, he grazed my butt with his plastic roll and from behind me, i heard him say, “haha, i touched that girl’s booty!” and i did feel a bit violated but i could chalk that up to being an accident if i really wanted to. so then i waited for my stop and it felt like the longest ride in between the two stops. but i waited and just did my best to ignore the kid and look out the window, ready to leave. to which, he definitely purposefully hit my butt again with the plastic, underneath my buttcheeks and said something along the lines of, “see ya, babe.” and i just sheepishly/nervously smiled and quickly left. and my thoughts were running pretty fast. i was in such shock and didnt think it would bother me as much as it did. i think the fact it was a kid and not an older man to which i actually really did feel helpless was nice but the fact that i was just physically sexually harassed at all surprised me. and i have been catcalled before but this was different! i felt so violated. he knew what he was doing and was proud of himself for having touched me. i felt violated. and i still do. i worry about what my first time having sex will be like if this is how i react to getting touched on the train. but anyways, i quickly told amanda and later my group chat with jordan and tykira and i was worried that they would brush it off and tell me it was no big deal. so i was pretty surprised when they were concerned for my safety and wellbeing instead. to which i responded that i was okay, just shocked. but their genuine concern meant a lot to me! i still cant really believe that happened and i had a really hard time concentrating or focusing on the lyrics of praise songs so i just prayed to God instead about how i do trust somewhere that this experience happened to me for a reason and it could have been a lot worse than it was but it wasnt. it happened and im here and i just have to accept it and move on. i dont know what was going on in that kid’s life and the best thing i can do is to just pray for him and wish him the best.

and finally, i slipped on this but the bathroom flooded at church today and idk who did it or when but i was honestly prepared to leave at first, had it not been for an ahjumma that came in and noticed the mess. and idk... something about that triggered something within me and i quickly ran to get a mop from the MPR and clean it up! it wasnt mine to clean and im sure someone else would have done it later. but for the time being, it was there and it was a mess and getting in the way of everyone’s restroom experience so i took initiative and cleaned up the mess. and honestly, a part of me hoped that p josh or yaeji or amanda or someone would see me or wonder why im taking so long and ask what i was doing. to which, i could humble brag and say i cleaned the restrooms faithfully though it was not my responsibility to do so. but no one asked or noticed my leave of absence. so i ended up just telling amanda instead and she didnt respond very enthusiastically which made me realize that i had made an error in my ways. and now im here, reporting it and reflecting upon it!

but yeah! thats where im at now! i was about to post this but then p josh messaged me about meetups and i started talking to him and im just really so blessed to have gotten to know him so much better over the summer and i reall yam excited to work with him this coming school year! i do believe that he has grown, a lot. and i am very proud of him. thank you for blessing and placing me here, God! I know i was weary at first but i really am so much happier here than i could have ever imagined!

#reflection

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